the siren, inspired by a song -- fun piece - Writers Forum

sternum · 06-20-2007, 08:31 AM

The Siren

Inspired by one of my favourite songs by nightwish, just curious to see what you all think, constructive criticism appreciated. Im not a good writer and dont pretend to be, this is just a fun piece, let me know what you think.

The salty air blew calmly against her face. She stepped cautiously over the rocks as she made her way towards the ocean. It was a serene day. Seagulls could be heard off in the distance feasting upon the fish that were unlucky enough to be left behind on the beach with the departure of the tide.
In her hand she held a violin. She stood on the edge of the rocks. Waves lapped against the base of the rock formation upon which she stood. Off in the distance she spied a merchant vessel.
She closed her eyes and placed the violin under her chin and began to play. Cheerful and pleasant, the world went quiet as if to listen to her music. Clouds gathered, with the wind yet she took no notice of the sudden change. She struck a note, clouds darkened and lightning thundered. Another and the winds picked up and rain poured. Another and the ocean grew angry, hungry. Waves crashed against her feet.
Her once pleasant song now grew angrier, violent, and sorrowful. Wind whipped against her face, blowing her matted hair back. Torrents of rain bucketed down upon her yet she continued to play. Never once did she open her eyes and see the vessel off in the distance struggle against the wind. The wind roared and deafened her so she was unable to hear the cries of strain of the helpless sailors, struggling against the fury of the elements.
Her playing grew more furious, more merciless with the whether. Waves crashed against the hapless ship as it was tossed this way and that. The fight was soon over, the proud vessel bowing down to the fury of the ocean.
Her music slowed to a stop and the weather once again returned to normal. The lady took the violin from under her chin, turned around and walked off, retreating to the depths of the island.

Azmakna · 06-20-2007, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sternum

The Siren

do you really need two fiddlers? lose one

Inspired by one of my favourite songs by nightwish, just curious to see what you all think, constructive criticism appreciated. Im not a good writer and dont pretend to be, this is just a fun piece, let me know what you think.

The salty air blew calmly against her face. She stepped cautiously over the rocks as she made her way towards the ocean. It was a serene day. Seagulls could be heard off in the distance feasting upon the fish that were unlucky enough to be left behind on the beach with the departure of the tide.

this is a human discipline and so should not be applied to wind. this feels like you just threw this in. lose this too clinical.

In her hand she held a violin. She stood on the edge of the rocks. Waves lapped against the base of the rock formation upon which she stood. Off in the distance she spied a merchant vessel.

lol... it may repeat the word in the following sentence, but because you have tried to avoid it, you have made this sentence passive. why say the same thing twice?

She closed her eyes and placed the violin under her chin and began to play. Cheerful and pleasant, the world went quiet as if to listen to her music. Clouds gathered, with the wind(,) yet she took no notice of the sudden change. She struck a note, clouds darkened and lightning thundered. Another and the winds picked up and rain poured. Another and the ocean grew angry, hungry. Waves crashed against her feet.

switch.

Her once pleasant song now grew angrier, violent, and sorrowful. Wind whipped against her face, blowing her matted hair back. Torrents of rain bucketed down upon her yet she continued to play. Never once did she open her eyes and see the vessel off in the distance struggle against the wind. The wind roared and deafened her so she was unable to hear the cries of strain of the helpless sailors, struggling against the fury of the elements.

sorrowful feels out of place here. anger and violence are emotions that mask sorrow. it's what wrong with the world today. don't put words in for the sake of it.

Her playing grew more furious, more merciless with the whether. Waves crashed against the hapless ship as it was tossed this way and that. The fight was soon over, the proud vessel bowing down to the fury of the ocean.

this is something you would use if the reader had an idea of the ship's history or the crew members. lose it.

Her music slowed to a stop and the weather once again returned to normal. The lady took the violin from under her chin, turned around and walked off, retreating to the depths of the island.

this need to be a lot longer. take us to the ship. let us feel the rocks and the waves. let us know something about the player, perhaps something that could offset nicely with the catastrophe she's caused. it's called 'mirroring' by the way. good luck.

sternum · 06-20-2007, 05:29 PM

I suppose i did throw a few discriptions in there for the sake of them, im just not that great at articulating my thoughts onto paper but hey what are these forums for.
Could you give an example of mirroring please, im not sure what you mean, also thanks for input, i guess i need a lot more practice lol... Thanks again i like the way you have

ps, i spose i did go over the top with the fiddler smilies, i was just suprised that there was one lol.

thanks again

sternum · 06-21-2007, 05:34 AM

post got rid of the fiddlers, will work on the story a bit later, a tad busy atm

Azmakna · 06-21-2007, 09:34 AM

MIrroring: take a trait/emotion and give us the opposite. in your story she causes a catastrophy because she plays (which she loves) that is in fact Mirroring and was obviously a left over from the song. but you have now made it into a story, so you could take that mirroring further. perhaps in her capacity as a nurse she has saved lives. bad example but that should tell you what you need to know. when people talk of conflict this is one of the things they mean. a conflict isn't just two enemies fighting, it can be a conflict of interests or a contradiction of choice.

sternum · 06-22-2007, 01:04 AM

what about something that caused her to be this way like a lost love or something like that, also i dont see how calm cant be used to describe the wind. You can use to describe the ocean ie "the ocean was calm," or "the calm ocean..."
But yes i will go into a bit more depth, and hopefully do it better