Speech Addressing Jotunheim - 700 Words - Writers Forum

Krim · 06-16-2007, 01:28 PM

A speech from my novel, during the inaguration of a new king of the Jotun (giants). The character, Wintermule, is attempting to rally them into giving up their farmer's ways and march to Ragnarok when the time comes, as long as going to war with the dryads of Alfheimr.

feral gods - the gods the dryads worship. The Feral God of the Ice is a creation set to place restrictions on Jotunheim the Jotun wouldn't accept from any mortal.

Land of the Mist - Niflheim

Midgard-Earth - modern Earth

Perpetual Glaciers are where Wintermule went to carve his arms and legs---majicks!!!!11!.

Pilgrimage to complete your body- when a half-Jotun goes to find the material which will complete his body (starlight, ice, flames, thunder, clouds, etc.)

The speech is meant to be Martin Luther King Jr. and ended up as Hitler. In fact, it's almost blatantly Hitler, now that I think of it. Blaming one set of people on all your problems (though in this case the things Wintermule are saying ARE true)...but Wintermule is one of the major villians.

Review me and I'll return the review.
___

When Wintermule spoke, his voice was clear and halting; seemingly random breaks were as natural as obstacles in a current's path.

"It is unfortunate that I see, in your eyes, not joy for the return of a self-imposed exile, but discontent. Discontent for a new ruler. Discontent at the cycle of strangers who come to chip another sheet of ice from the rich heritage of Jotunheim. They impose their strange customs on us; and I say us, because I come not from the Land of the Mists but from the Land of the Jotun."

"I was born in a womb of ice, crippled and squalling. So it has been with most, until they went to their pilgrimage to complete their bodies. I am not some stranger who came to steal from the Perpetual Glaciers. I say, you have forgotten the ways of your lands, so far you do not recognize one of your own beyond superficial understanding. When you look around you, you find an unfamiliar country with unfamiliar habits. There was a time when the bucking of the islands and the currents of the cold waters was a mandatory study, a common understanding. Now you believe it to be the legerdemain of your new, feral gods, instead of the destiny of the ice."

Wintermule set his hand on the podium, fingers splayed. He scanned the room, all of its strange, civilized ways reflected in the lenses of his glasses: the walnut-paneled walls and the podium before him, the banquet tables laden with foreign foods, the wooden floorboards.

"You complain over the coming of strangers but you still adopt their mannerisms. I was told upon my inauguration---my inauguration, a word from Midgard-Earth stolen by the dryads, and in turn stolen by the Jotun to please their masters---I would swear fealty to the Most High of the Alfheimr. I would become their vassal. I see half of you do not even understand me, because I speak the language of your bards and your shamans. We as a collective people have diminished."

He paused and took a deep breath. Water began to seep from his fingers, covering the top of the podium and solidifying into a patina of frost. More poured down the sides and quested along the floor.

"I see the taint of Midgard-Earth in our bard language, as old as we say it is. We adopt their classifications: years and decades and centuries and millennia. We simpered and accepted so quickly they have completely usurped our own ways of counting. How old are the families of Jotunheim? Very few know the exact date, because much was lost in the changing times. You have become farmers, using your little implements to steal away the land and sell it to your dryad masters. And they accept what you have excavated, and so, many of the dryads have adopted the ways of humans and separated themselves from nature. They are abominations. And you bow before them."

"If my words anger you, it is because you know that there is a reason to be angry at me. You know I am correct and, contrary to the ways of Jotunheim, you feel affronted. Another word and emotion of Midgard-Earth. You look up at the few stars as if somehow you could divine from them what you cannot comprehend from the ice. The same happened to those who knew the truth on Midgard-Earth, when they adopted the religion of their victims. We will not bow before the self-proclaimed gods in Asgard. We will not bow before the dryads of Alfheimr or the weak peoples of Midgard-Earth.

"Nature, my family, dictates the strong live on and the weak die out. I will not let my heritage turn from a fire into glowing coals, to be dispersed by the wind. And the winds of Nature will be the ones to end us, not the whims and fancy of our 'superiors'. This decline shall never happen again. I have lived as long as the elders and the eldest of the elders and I will live until Ragnarok comes and makes our fire roar again. I will see to it those who disagree with me are killed. I have no tolerance for exiling.

"They will see our army on the horizon of the Ragnarok and they will scream."

Knocking · 06-16-2007, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krim

When Wintermule spoke, his voice was clear and halting; seemingly random breaks were as natural as obstacles in a current's path. (I like this description, it explains it very well)

"It is unfortunate that I see, in your eyes, not joy for the return of a self-imposed exile, but discontent. Discontent for a new ruler. Discontent at the cycle of strangers who come to chip another sheet of ice from the rich heritage of Jotunheim. They impose their strange customs on us; and I say us, because I come not from the Land of the Mists but from the Land of the Jotun."

"I was born in a womb of ice, crippled and squalling. So it has been with most, until they went to their pilgrimage to complete their bodies. I am not some stranger who came(comes? I'm not sure, but it sounds better...) to steal from the Perpetual Glaciers. I say, you have forgotten the ways of your lands, so far you do not recognize one of your own beyond superficial understanding. When you look around you, you find an unfamiliar country with unfamiliar habits. There was a time when the bucking of the islands and the currents of the cold waters was a mandatory study, a common understanding. Now you believe it to be the legerdemain of your new, feral gods, instead of the destiny of the ice."

Wintermule set his hand on the podium, fingers splayed. He scanned the room, all of its strange, civilized ways reflected in the lenses of his glasses: the walnut-paneled walls and the podium before him, the banquet tables laden with foreign foods, the wooden floorboards.

"You complain over the coming of strangers but you still adopt their mannerisms. I was told upon my inauguration---my inauguration, a word from Midgard-Earth stolen by the dryads, and in turn stolen by the Jotun to please their masters---I would swear fealty to the Most High of the Alfheimr. I would become their vassal. I see half of you do not even understand me, because I speak the language of your bards and your shamans. We as a collective people have diminished."

He paused and took a deep breath. Water began to seep from his fingers, covering the top of the podium and solidifying into a patina of frost. More poured down the sides and quested along the floor.

"I see the taint of Midgard-Earth in our bard language, as old as we say it is. We adopt their classifications: years and decades and centuries and millennia. We simpered and accepted so quickly they have completely usurped our own ways of counting. How old are the families of Jotunheim? Very few know the exact date, because much was lost in the changing times. You have become farmers, using your little implements to steal away the land and sell it to your dryad masters. And they accept what you have excavated, and so, many of the dryads have adopted the ways of humans and separated themselves from nature. They are abominations. And you bow before them."

"If my words anger you, it is because you know that there is a reason to be angry at me. You know I am correct and, contrary to the ways of Jotunheim, you feel affronted. Another word and emotion of Midgard-Earth. You look up at the few stars as if somehow you could divine from them what you cannot comprehend from the ice. The same happened to those who knew the truth on Midgard-Earth, when they adopted the religion of their victims. We will not bow before the self-proclaimed gods in Asgard. We will not bow before the dryads of Alfheimr or the weak peoples of Midgard-Earth.

"Nature, my family, dictates the strong live on and the weak die out. I will not let my heritage turn from a fire into glowing coals, to be dispersed by the wind. And the winds of Nature will be the ones to end us, not the whims and fancy of our 'superiors'. This decline shall never happen again. I have lived as long as the elders and the eldest of the elders and I will live until Ragnarok comes and makes our fire roar again. I will see to it those who disagree with me are killed. I have no tolerance for exiling.

"They will see our army on the horizon of the Ragnarok and they will scream."

That is powerful stuff. One thing I think you could include some of is the reactions of his audience to what he's saying. It's very interesting, I hope you'll post more of your story. Keep writing!

Azmakna · 06-16-2007, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krim

A speech from my novel, during the inaguration of a new king of the Jotun (giants). The character, Wintermule, is attempting to rally them into giving up their farmer's ways and march to Ragnarok when the time comes, as long as going to war with the dryads of Alfheimr.

feral gods - the gods the dryads worship. The Feral God of the Ice is a creation set to place restrictions on Jotunheim the Jotun wouldn't accept from any mortal.

Land of the Mist - Niflheim

Midgard-Earth - modern Earth

Perpetual Glaciers are where Wintermule went to carve his arms and legs---majicks!!!!11!.

Pilgrimage to complete your body- when a half-Jotun goes to find the material which will complete his body (starlight, ice, flames, thunder, clouds, etc.)

The speech is meant to be Martin Luther King Jr. and ended up as Hitler. In fact, it's almost blatantly Hitler, now that I think of it. Blaming one set of people on all your problems (though in this case the things Wintermule are saying ARE true)...but Wintermule is one of the major villians.

Review me and I'll return the review.
___

When Wintermule spoke, his voice was clear and halting; seemingly random breaks were as natural as obstacles in a current's path.

why seemingly? why are 'breaks' natural to a currents path? if you'd have said as natural as pebbles in a brook, i would get a clearer picture.

"It is unfortunate that I see, in your eyes, not joy for the return of a self-imposed exile, but discontent. Discontent for a new ruler. Discontent at the cycle of strangers who come to chip another sheet of ice from the rich heritage of Jotunheim. They impose their strange customs on us; and I say us, because I come not from the Land of the Mists but from the Land of the Jotun."

this metaphor doesn't seem to have any real connection with what you are saying here. this whole paragraph feels like narrative

"I was born in a womb of ice, crippled and squalling. So it has been with most, until they went to their pilgrimage to complete their bodies. I am not some stranger who came to steal from the Perpetual Glaciers. I say, you have forgotten the ways of your lands, so far you do not recognize one of your own beyond superficial understanding. When you look around you, you find an unfamiliar country with unfamiliar habits. There was a time when the bucking of the islands and the currents of the cold waters was a mandatory study, a common understanding. Now you believe it to be the legerdemain of your new, feral gods, instead of the destiny of the ice."

Wintermule set his hand on the podium, fingers splayed. He scanned the room, all of its strange, civilized ways reflected in the lenses of his glasses: the walnut-paneled walls and the podium before him, the banquet tables laden with foreign foods, the wooden floorboards.

you can lose these. 'foreign' feels superfluous and what else are floorboards made of?

"You complain over the coming of strangers but you still adopt their mannerisms. I was told upon my inauguration---my inauguration, a word from Midgard-Earth stolen by the dryads, and in turn stolen by the Jotun to please their masters---I would swear fealty to the Most High of the Alfheimr. I would become their vassal. I see half of you do not even understand me, because I speak the language of your bards and your shamans. We as a collective people have diminished."

He paused and took a deep breath. Water began to seep from his fingers, covering the top of the podium and solidifying into a patina of frost. More poured down the sides and quested along the floor.

i don't think this word is right here. i associate patina with far more flimsy surfaces, such as the patina of a water droplet. if it's pouring then the patina is definitely wrong. terrible choice of word here, sorry.

"I see the taint of Midgard-Earth in our bard language, as old as we say it is. We adopt their classifications: years and decades and centuries and millennia. We simpered and accepted so quickly they have completely usurped our own ways of counting. How old are the families of Jotunheim? Very few know the exact date, because much was lost in the changing times. You have become farmers, using your little implements to steal away the land and sell it to your dryad masters. And they accept what you have excavated, and so, many of the dryads have adopted the ways of humans and separated themselves from nature. They are abominations. And you bow before them."

"If my words anger you, it is because you know that there is a reason to be angry at me. You know I am correct and, contrary to the ways of Jotunheim, you feel affronted. Another word and emotion of Midgard-Earth. You look up at the few stars as if somehow you could divine from them what you cannot comprehend from the ice. The same happened to those who knew the truth on Midgard-Earth, when they adopted the religion of their victims. We will not bow before the self-proclaimed gods in Asgard. We will not bow before the dryads of Alfheimr or the weak peoples of Midgard-Earth.

"Nature, my family, dictates the strong live on and the weak die out. I will not let my heritage turn from a fire into glowing coals, to be dispersed by the wind. And the winds of Nature will be the ones to end us, not the whims and fancy of our 'superiors'. This decline shall never happen again. I have lived as long as the elders and the eldest of the elders and I will live until Ragnarok comes and makes our fire roar again. I will see to it those who disagree with me are killed. I have no tolerance for exiling.

"They will see our army on the horizon of the Ragnarok and they will scream."

not too keen on the lengthy dialogue here. i found myself skipping though it

Krim · 06-16-2007, 05:59 PM

Knocking: Thank you. I think your suggestion does make it flow better.

Azmakna: Er. It does happen to be a speech, so I would think it was a lengthy dialogue with action in the middle. I'm just going to roll with it, though I guess it's not for everyone. At least it's not as long as a real inauguration, right?

I do plan on putting in reactions of people (in fact, I plan on having people planted in the audience to nod and whatnot and get the other people to think others have been convinced) when I get around to it, and I'm also going to have to put in a description of someone hiding under the floor and watching. Rather complicated how that works, but it's the reason for the whole patina of frost covering the ground --- Wintermule is searching out the place.

Patina of a water droplet? A water droplet doesn't really...have a patina. A patina is a crust over something, like the verdigris on the the Statue of Liberty that covers the copper and makes it green. And the water is pouring, not the patina. Though I'm not quite sure what you think a patina is. Of course this could also be one of those little points of symbolism that, if published, English professors who find symbolism in everything would think over, making connections to things like the ambiguity of the characters of my novel---'I say, there is a patina upon this podium from which Wintermule makes his speech, and there is a patina on the Statue of Liberty, thusly perhaps this means that Wintermule is truly a benevolent man because he is trying to free his people from oppression even if their ways are barbaric, such as the Americans freeing themselves from the British in the Revolution'. You know, whatever floats their Viking longship.

And it is questing along the floor. That's the correct word to use in this situation because it's literally searching. I don't want to seem like I can't take a bad review, because I can, but I do have to disagree with you on a few point. Thank you for pointing out the superfluousness of wooden, but it's not superfluous to say the food is foreign, because it is. The natural food of Jotunheim is mainly meat because the land, being pretty much a sheet of ice, isn't good at all for farming. Wintermule's upbringing of he and his brother wandering throughout Jotunheim as kids would have them killing animals for meat, even though they could survive off snow and his brother survived off starlight. He would notice it was foreign because it's rich, things grown from the very arable and agriculturally-rich Alfheim. Of course I wouldn't want to add all this information to the beginning because, well, it'd be rather longer than 700 words and I'd be cheating when I said what the length is.

Jotunheim is the land of ice..so yes, the metaphor has meaning there. The land is dwindling as people come along. (Hence Wintermaul saying he comes from Jotunheim (The Land of Ice) instead of Niflheim (The Land of Mists), because that is where he came to them from.

They're seemingly random because they're seemingly random. I might revise it, but it doesn't look like all that confusing to me. The first reviewer didn't seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps another opinion?

There are things in a current's path...mainly, since the land is of ice and of course there are icebergs and ice sheets in the water, the current of the rivers would eddy around them.

Like I said, I don't really want to seem like an asshole who can't take criticism, but I didn't really want to put a paragraph of backstory in the original post for every adjective. I'll get to returning the review on you two.

Azmakna · 06-16-2007, 06:35 PM

the word 'foreign' is irrelevant. 'i went to a cafe the other day, think it was friday, and had a cup of some sort of tea, then as a treat i ate some foreign food.

i agree with you on the patina thing though. don't know why i was thinking of a very thin layer.

Quote:

chip another sheet of ice

this metaphor feels shoe horned in.

unless you are going to justify 'questing' with some suggestion of the supernatural, it's the wrong word

Krim · 06-16-2007, 07:50 PM

The word foreign isn't irrelevant, and the example you provided has nothing to do with anything. You're using a completely different context than what I gave. In fact, I have no idea what you were trying to accomplish with that sentence. If you're saying it's irrelevant because I already mention that it's 'civilized', the placement of the food has two meanings: the people of Jotunheim do not share their food like most civilized societies, and the food itself is foreign. Civilized, in this case, would refer to the collection of food to be shared, whereas foreign refers to the type of food it is... I really just don't understand what you're saying. Foreign foods is more specific than just 'foods', plus it simply works into the flow better and takes about a quarter of a second longer to read to sentence.

Doesn't seem shoe horned in to me. We'll have to get another opinion.

And I'm pretty sure when water pours out of someone's hand, when the character has been proven throughout the novel to have supernatural control of water and all its variants, and freezes, and then falls to the ground and quests out, there is something rather supernatural about that water. I t's the right word (at least in relation to the rest of the novel, though there is little on this excerpt to show the character is supernatural); so I might understand where you're coming from, but I'm not going to change it. Plus later on the use of the 'questing' ice is shown through a scene where Wintermule confronts the intruder.

Azmakna · 06-17-2007, 05:08 PM

so what is foreign food? Italian? Chinese? what i'm saying is that describing it as foreign is not enough. every word needs to work. foreign is just a device to show that it is not what is normally eaten. 'Exotic' would be just as good, but has stronger connotations

quests is wrong because it isn't clear whether it is demonstrating a supernatural force, or just the writer trying to be clever with words.

the reason i'm being so picky here is that the writer is clearly very good, but i want to see him tighten it further... and once he's done that, it's down to posters like Mama and Mike and Rob to take him to the next level.

Shawn · 06-17-2007, 06:38 PM

You're right, this is Hitler style... but the only reason had any power as an orator is because he spoke German. As an English speech, this is missing a few important characteristics.

1) No repetition... people don't remember things unless you beat it into their heads.

2) The speaker does not play on the audiences emotions... This does use emotion to an extent, but it never takes it to the next level. For example, in Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar, Antony shows the audience Caesar's corpse and soon bares the stab wounds to them. This sets up an emotional response and then severely increases it.

3) You don't use rhythmic patterns... great speeches have a set rhythm.

So, a critique about the speech itself and not the content... that good enough?

Krim · 06-18-2007, 08:08 PM

Azmaka: Oh, I see. Well, the food is described beforehand when some people are eating it, so I didn't want to repeat the description in the middle of the speech. I wouldn't call it exotic because that has an almost positive connotation---to me. It's just an ambiguous word in this case because it can be both positive and negative, and I want to add more emphasis into the 'negative' connotation because Wintermule, obviously, finds that food is 'foreign' in a xenophobic manner.

Mhm. Maybe we could compromise. Using a metaphor likening it to snakes or something might give it more of a feel of the ice being alive. If it does get published and the editor finds it superfluous, I'll have to actually put some brainpower into it.

Thanks for the compliment.

Shawn:

1. As in, the repetition of MLKJ's 'I have a dream'? And I also recall him having a lot more in there, such as multiple metaphors and repetition on important things. I do this to a small extent in the first paragraph where Wintermule is repeating 'discontent'.

2. I'm not quite certain how I could do this. I have a rough idea---destroying the food and mentioning how the people of Jotunheim live off what they hunt. At the moment I can't think of anything as dramatic as in The Tragedy of Julius Caesar...

3. Mhm. Do you mind providing an example of the rhythmic patterns? I'll look into it, and if I find what you're talking about I'll see what I can do and post a revised version.

Thanks.

I'll get to returning the review. Still need to get to Azmaka. I'll do that now. After that, off to seeing if I can find some sites on how to tighten up speeches.

Shawn · 06-18-2007, 10:04 PM

Probably the best of the last three hundred years:

"We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal."

Check out the syllable stresses.

Krim · 06-18-2007, 10:42 PM

Ah. It's going to be complicated, since Wintermaul isn't speaking in English. I'm going to have to take some artistic license here...

I was never good at reviewing poetry, though I write it. Do you have any stories you would prefer me to review, because I don't think I could do your poems justice.

Shawn · 06-18-2007, 10:49 PM

Ah... I don't do much but poetry these days.

Krim · 06-18-2007, 10:50 PM

I'll review two. Do you have any in mind?

Shawn · 06-18-2007, 10:55 PM

Pick them randomly, I'm not a good judge of my own work.

.zyriax · 06-21-2007, 09:02 AM

Quote:

When Wintermule spoke, his voice was clear and halting; seemingly random breaks were as natural as obstacles in a current's path.

clear + haltingly = not the same thing

Quote:

"It is unfortunate that I see, in your eyes, not joy for the return of a self-imposed exile, but discontent.

Try:

"It is unfortunate that I do not see joy for the return or a self-imposed exile in your eyes, but discontent."

Quote:

I was told upon my inauguration---my inauguration, a word from Midgard-Earth stolen by the dryads, and in turn stolen by the Jotun to please their masters---I would swear fealty to the Most High of the Alfheimr.

This is a really long sentence with hyphens at places that make it difficult to read. Change it to something similar to:

"I was told upon my inauguration that I would swear fealty to the Most High of the Alfheimr. And yes - inauguration is a word from Midgard-Earth stolen by the dryads, and in turn stolen by the Jotun to please their masters."

Of course, you don't have to change it to exactly what I said. Just make the sentence easier to read, which can be done by splitting it into two sentences and/or changing the hyphens.

Quote:

I will not let my heritage turn from a fire into glowing coals, to be dispersed by the wind.

Add more description here. Say just how powerful that fire is, and its contrast against the [smoldering embers], which would probably be better word choice.

Quote:

"They will see our army on the horizon of the Ragnarok and they will scream."

Powerful way to end a speech. But I'm not sure "scream" is the right word. I would do something like this:

"They will see our army on the horizon of the Ragnarok, and damn - they will feel fear."

~

Great speech. It makes the novel itself sound very original and creative and well planned out.

And remember - you don't have to apply my critique if you feel it is unnecessary. I'm just giving you ideas that I personally think are important.

Good job dood.