'You Got A Lighter?' :Part One: - Writers Forum

Diverse · 06-10-2007, 07:46 PM

His blinks were rapid, his eyes burning from the bright light that shun over his head. He motioned to lift his arm- his hands tied behind him. Looking around him he noticed he was strapped into a wooden chair, his feet even taped together. Barely he saw a man moving towards him, the black shadow surrounding the outline of the figure. He moved into the light, smiling down at him, staring at him for what seemed like forever...

“Pssh... you don't belong in this world, and you don't quite understand me.. do you? I ain't your creator, ain't even the bastard who raised you. No, none of that bullshit. I ain't the one who took you in, so why bother taking you out of this shitty world? As the story goes, I saw what you did, boy, and I saw what you did with the remains. I captured you, kind of took you in... I got you with my camera, too, and it can say words I can‘t even begin to put together. What were you thinking? What were you trying to prove? What? That the rules stop being, just for you? You didn't think you'd be seen, did you? Ha, been down that road, and it wasn't pretty. Didn't seem to stop you from doing what you did. Eh? Say that again? You don't know what you did wrong? You've got to be kidding me...

“Boy, do I even look dumbfounded to you about your case? Ha! Police is all over it, so you can bet your ass you musta done somethin' wrong!”

“Who are you!? What do you want from me, what-?” He groaned, twisting his body in a failed attempt to get free.

“What do I want from you? Alls I want is for you to tell me what in the hell you were thinking. Ha, ha, ha, you still don't understand me? Listen to me, boy, and you listen to me good.. Don't mistake me as a stalker, no, because I've got better things to do. I'm not a serial killer, unlike yourself, kind of obvious, so don't pitch this. I wouldn't even imagine doing what you did three Januaries ago.. Never, not in a million years."

The man began to walk away, "Where-. Hey, where the- where are you going?" The figure in the chair nearly screamed.

"Getting a chair," He sighed. "Right about now, I suppose- right now, your mind is made of fog, huh? Do you even know your name, son?"
"No.. no. I don't, but-."
“Yeah, well, it's Dmirti; and it's plastered all over the news. Welcome to Hollywood, the Hall of Fame, the limelight that burns your skin. You're not a father, and you're not poor. And it makes me wonder, 'Why in the hell would you do what you did?'. You had the perfect job, and a beautiful wife. Drop dead gorgeous.

"You had everything you ever needed, or would ever need, and wanted combined! Money granted at your whim, every word obeyed. I guess wealth isn't what Mr. Microsoft made it to be, huh? No. He answers himself. You came from a rich family, everything you ever spoke about was globally announced. Nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to what you had. You had it bad... And in this case, 'bad' does mean 'good'... You didn't rob a bank, and you didn't kill your boss and blame it on Bob over there. Much worse than that... What I am about to say may hunt you, even when you die. This won't go away, so be all ears....”

He pushed himself up from his chair, turning it around, facing it towards him. He sat- straddling the chair, once again, smiling at him..

Voodoo · 06-24-2007, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Diverse

Pssh... you don't belong in this world... And you don't quiet should be quite understand me... do ya? I ain't your creator, and I didn't help raise you. No, none of that bullshit. Sentences are choppy. I suggest : You don't quite understand me, I ain't your creator, ain't the bastard who raised you. None of that bullshit, no, I ain't the one who took you in, so i ain't gonna tgake you out of this shitty world, but I saw what you did, boy, that shit... I saw what you did with the remains. And I captured you, kind of took you in... I didn't take you in, and I sure 'nough ain't going to try and pull you out of this one. You're on your own.... I seen what you did, boy, and I saw what you did with the remains. I captured you. And you know just as well as I do that pictures can say many things. I got you with my camera, too, and it can say words I can't. With just one glance. take this last sentence out for the one before it. What were you trying to prove? What? That the rules stop being, just for you? You didn't think you'd be seen, did you? Ha, Been down that road. connect these sentences And it wasn't pretty. You're sitting in this dark room, scared. Terrified. Half way pale. half way? So was that all-aloner. ?? Didn't seem to stop you from doing what you did. Eh? Say that again? You don't know what you did wrong?

You've got to be kidding me... Boy, do I even look dumbfounded to you about your case? Ha! Police is all over it, so you can bet your ass you musta done somethin' wrong! What do I want from you? Consider putting in the other character's diaalogue. Alls I want is for you to tell me what in the hell you were thinking.. Mere as that.. ?? Ha, ha, ha, you still don't understand me? Come on. Walk...- well, never mind, can't do that in your situation now can you!? This is lacking in emotion. Listen to me, boy, and you listen to me good.. Don't mistake me as a stalker, no, because I've got better things to do. I'm not a serial killer, unlike yourself, Kind of obvious, so don't pitch this. and I wouldn't even imagine doing what you did three Januaries ago.. Never, not in a million years.. Where am I going? Gee, can't I get a chair? Where am i going? Getting a chair. Its time, i suppose- right now, your mind is made of fog, huh? Di you even know your name? Now, let's get this out of the way... Right now, your mind isn't functioning well is it? Didn't think so. Also, your probably forgot your own name, and everything about you?

Yeah, well, it's Dmirti; and it's plastered all over the news, Dmirti. Dmitri? Welcome to Hollywood. Welcome to the Hall of Fame, if I must. Welcome to hollywood, the Hall of Fame, the limelight that burns your skin. Your're not a father, and your're not poor. Rich fellow. Poverty isn't implied here, Erika, so its not necessary to emphasize this so much. And it makes me wonder, 'Why in the hell would you do what you did?'. You had a wealthy job, A job is not wealthy. and a beautiful wife. Drop ?dead? gorgeous. You had everything you ever needed, or would ever need. and wanted combined! Ready for you to say the word, and it was yours. Money granted at your whim, every word obeyed. I guess wealth isn't what Mr. Microsoft made it to be, huh? No. He answers himself. You came from a rich family, everything you ever spoke about was globalized , or globally announced. Nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to what you had. You had it bad... And in this case, 'bad' does mean 'good'... Didn't stop you there... you felt you needed everything. What? You didn't rob a bank, and you didn't kill your boss and blame it on Bob over there... You need not name someone else, rhetorical or not. Much worse than that... What I am about to say may hunt hurt you, even when you die. This won't go away, so be all ears....

Diverse, this needs a lot of work. Consider breaking it up, and adding quotes. The villain is quite annoying without some counterbanter, love.

Diverse · 06-25-2007, 10:09 PM

Alright, Voodoo.. tell me what you think now..

Voodoo · 06-25-2007, 10:11 PM

Give me fine minutes, in a heated debate, love.