Nefieslab

Alan felt bored as he cruised down the motorway at over eighty miles per hour, his arm draped out of the window as the unlikely music of Duran Duran pumped rhythmically through his car stereo. it wasn't the avaerage listening matieral for a teenager but then again Alan Wylde wasn’t ordinary, in any sense of the word. Alan was the only one of his kind that had a spark of goodness in him. For you see Alan Wylde was not human. Alan Wylde was an angel. His kind had manipulated humankind for… well Alan did not know when it had started exactly but he did know that every evil person, every mass murderer or dictator had had at least one angel guiding him along the path of destruction. Angels were not very nice beings by any stretch of the imagination. They fed off human misery and sorrow and yet the demons, the ones that the humans had tried to kill, had been the nicest beings in all existence. Unlike angels, demons did not feed off humans but rather they fed the humans with their emotions of hope and love. Demons were behind every good emotion a person had. They were the greatest gift the creator had given the earth. Behind every dictator, there is an angel, likewise, behind every democracy or religious guru there was a demon. Alan didn’t know what happened to the demons after the roman senate was replaced by the emperors, but he did know it hadn’t been good. From that day onwards hope seemed to vanish and harems popped up everywhere in the place of love and partnership. That had been what was known as Armageddon, and yet a small glimmer of hope had returned in these last fifty years. Alan was searching for the source of that hope so that he might aid the demon and help him defeat the First Sisterhood, the high council of the angels. Alan had long since evolved past the stage of an angel’s rebellious years and should have done what all angels did once they got past their rebellious years. Accept that you are an angel and that your only purpose in life is to generate suffering, hate and intolerance. Alan was the first angel to resist his “purpose”. Alan had once lived comfortably with his sister and his mother. When the “trouble” years came they knew that it would wear off. It just had too. Even as a young child the angels had found that he was a very gifted fighter and was second in Pyrokinesis only to his sister. Alan had been due for a life as the leader of the angelic armies because of his power. When the rebellious years came he was locked in a room and bound to a chair and was forced to watch the entire history of the angels. Alan was kept in the same room for six years with almost no food or water. During his imprisonment Alan learnt how to control his powers completely and found that he was strong enough to break free from the cell he was kept in, but by this time Alan’s rebellious years were coming to an end and he lacked the willpower to escape. That was until he started paying attention to the screens all around him. He saw his kind killing the demons at the defense of Rome. It sickened him. He saw innocent humans dying needlessly for the angels and saw the heroic demons fighting to save the humans even though the humans now despised them. They fought against the evil of his kind. A blinding rage had consumed Alan the day he had seen the truth. He finally had the willpower and the incentive to escape. He had a new purpose; his purpose was to kill the angelic race.


Burying his foot further into the accelartor pedal of his Alfa 146, Alan suddenly noticed the cresent of red brake lights that lit up the night ahead of him. As he braked softly, the scenery which had been whipping past him now slowed down, became more solid and less blurred. Trees, cows, grass; something visible either side of this black scar that he drove on through the land. Weaving accross the lanes amidst the other cursing motorists, Alan noticed a great plume of organe and black up ahead in the distance, clearly the cause of todays disturbance he thought as he now came to a standstill. Alan was already alert when he saw the flames. It could be an angel he mused to himself.
Let’s go bathe in some angel blood!
Screamed a familiar voice inside the back of his head. It was Gregory, his split personality. Alan forced the thought to the back of his head and began to think. I could just drive on by… Alan thought.
No! Screamed Gregory, You coward! Kill the Angels!
Alan tried to ignore Gregory but Alan also wanted to kill some angels. A short, sharp noise shattered his concentration. Alan came out of his mental argument and saw an angry motorist banging on his car’s horn. Alan turned round again and began to think again. Another burst from the car behind him and Alan snapped. Internally Gregory smiled. Playtime just came early. Alan opened his door and began to walk towards the other car. The horn sounded again. Alan slammed his fist down on the bonnet of the car and his fist went straight through it. The driver shouted swears words at him with every one of his breaths. Alan smiled evilly as he pulled out the car’s horn from under the bonnet and walked over to the driver’s window. He lightly tapped on the window. The shocked driver slowly rolled down the window. Alan smiled his sickening smile again,
“I believe this,” he dropped the horn in the man’s lap, “is yours. Have a nice day.”
Alan walked away as laughed under his breath as the man stared at his car’s horn. Gregory slipped back into Alan’s subconscious with one thought.
Go in there and kill them all.
Alan smiled. There was something he and Gregory agreed on. The fact that all angels must die. Alan reached into the back seat of his car and pulled out his claymore. Everyone that saw the huge sword immediately ran away from Alan and their cars. Alan shook his head, you try to help people and they run. Alan casually rested the claymore’s blade on his right shoulder and began whistling as he walked down towards the flames. A mirror image of Alan appeared next to him and fell into step with him. The only difference was that the copy had a huge grin on its face that radiated something that can only be described as controlled evil,
“Hi Gregory.” Alan said aloud as he began scanning the area for angels or traps. Gregory smiled kindly to Alan,
“You look tired from driving mate. Why don’t you let me kill them?” he had a look of innocence on his face. Alan laughed,
“No Greg I think we might need something more them just a mad charge this time.” Greg smiled his smile again,
“I know but you can’t blame an evil personality for trying!” he was joking; they both knew he wasn’t really a personality. More of a persona. Alan smiled only slightly as he crouched down with the claymore held behind him with one hand. He walked straight towards the flames and when he was about to be burned the flames suddenly leapt away from Alan as if he had burnt the flames themselves. When he was on the other side of the wall of fire his senses sharpened as he cautiously looked around. There were no cars or any sign of an accident. The fire was the work of angels. Alan looked at Greg and they smiled together. Playtime begins in earnest right now.

Alan stood up and walked into the centre of the flames. He smiled again,
“Come on then. Let’s see who is following me this time!” he was laughing slightly as he held his claymore up in a ready position. Two figures stepped out of the fire and came towards him. They were dressed completely in white and they didn’t have a bit of skin exposed. Alan smiled; this was going to be fun. The two white ninjas took out their katanas. Just as they were about to charge forwards another figure came out of the flames. This one was dressed entirely in a black ninja suit with white flame patterns on its suit. Alan smiled again; at least this one was original. The two white ninjas attacked with their katanas raised high above their heads. Alan saw them run towards him in what he thought was slow motion. One of them was pulling ahead of the other, He thought. Alan charged forwards and almost ran past the first ninja by running on his right hand side. Alan dodged the katana and slashed the claymore into the chest of the first ninja. The ninja went silent after a few seconds of burbling. Alan used his trapped claymore to push off from the first ninja and his right foot connected with the second ninja’s face. Hard. Alan saw that the second ninja was falling sideways from the blow so leaned with him and stopped on his head when it hit the floor. A strange black liquid poured out of the angel’s ears and eyes. Alan looked up to see the different angel standing right up close to him with its eyes barely an inch from his. They stared at each other for a while before the angel took off its mask. The first thing to come clear of the mask was long, flowing brown hair, Alan had brown hair. Then came the rest of the face. Her eyes were a clear and sparkling blue (Alan’s were a clear and sparkling blue as well). Her nose was elegantly shaped (just like Alan’s) and her lips were a deep red (no Alan’s lips weren’t deep red). The ninja in front of him was his sister.

“Dite?” asked Alan unsurely as he tried to back away. She nodded,
“Hello Alan.” She said in an emotionless voice. Alan tensed; it had long been known to him that his sister had become a member of the First Sisterhood. She shuffled uneasily,
“Are you here to kill me Dite?” asked Alan while never taking his eyes off her. She frowned,
“Call me Black-Inferno please. It will make it easier for both of us to fight.” She was backing away now and Alan could see the katana at her side. Alan yanked the claymore out of the body of the first ninja. He twirled it around in his left hand. Black-Inferno laughed a little before taking out two katanas. Alan smiled. Slightly. Black-Inferno charged forwards in a blur and Alan could only dodge both lightening attacks by jumping up in the air. He did so and flew straight up into the sky. He saw Black-Inferno looking around in a daze as he flew back down with his claymore pointed downwards. Just when he was about to plunge his claymore into Black-Inferno’s head a sharp pain hit him in the small of the back and he was flung forwards and downwards into the road behind Black-Inferno. He slammed down on the road face first but still managed to roll to the side before jumping up. He looked around and saw Black-Inferno staring right at him. Alan stared past her and saw another woman standing behind his sister. Everything about the woman was beautiful, she had lovely eyes, a perfectly shaped nose and full lips. Alan also couldn’t help but stop and notice that she had a great body and that it was coated in tight black leather. She had large breasts, a tight ass and legs that seemed to go on forever. Alan gulped but managed to get his wit back quickly,
“Hey sis! I didn’t know your taste in friends was improving!” he laughed as his sister flushed red with embarrassment and anger. The woman behind her scowled,
“Fuck you traitor! I am Mistress Fang! I am second in command of the First Sisterhood!” she shouted at him in a voice that radiated hatred. Alan stopped smiling. They were both members of the First Sisterhood. Alan was confused. Gregory took over. Alan smiled Gregory’s smile and bolted forwards. He ran straight up to Black-Inferno and grabbed the ends of her katanas. He then did a flip kick into her chin and she let go of the swords. Alan took the swords by the handles and jumped over to Mistress Fang who stood there with a look of utter shock on her face. Alan side stepped her and slapped the broad side of his katana on her ass. She turned round to slap him (it’s what any woman would do) and saw the katana slice through the air in front of her. Alan brought the blade across Fang’s face and cut into her cheek. Alan smiled Gregory’s smile again and spun round with the blades outstretched. The blades slashed deeply into Black-Inferno’s chest. She looked at Alan in shock. Alan screamed inside himself,
“Gregory you bastard! You killed her!” he screamed this inside his head so that only Gregory could hear him. Gregory was also in shock, he hadn’t meant even to hit her, it had been a reflex. Black-Inferno slid off the end of the blades and Alan caught her,
“You…you…you’ve…changed…” she tried to crawl away from him. Alan let her go. Gregory was still in command but he was gibbering,
“No…no I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…” Gregory was lost for words but he was doing better than Alan who was now contemplating suicide. Fang aimed a magical blast at his back. She pulled her hand back. Just as she was about to fire a wall of ice formed behind Alan. Both Fang and Alan turned to the right to see that the flames were gone and there was a man standing in the middle of the road. He was about six foot tall with short, pure white hair. His eyes were a blue that Alan was sure would glow in the dark. Fang saw something else that Alan didn’t. She saw the enemy of her people but all she could think about was how sexy the demon was. The demon smiled,
“Don’t let me stop you guys. This is like an episode of Eastenders!” his voice was soft but had a crazy sound to it. The demon smiled at each of them in turn but stopped smiling when he saw Alan and Black-Inferno, “Ah…this isn’t a good time is it?”
Alan started laughing. The demon smiled,
“Well at least he has a sense of humor! He must be the rouge angel. No brainwashed angel has a sense of humor.” He was laughing slightly but he was also edging closer to Alan while looking at Fang. He stood between Alan and Fang, “Kid when I give the signal you run. Leave your girlfriend. Fang will bring her back from the dead. Ok?”
Alan nodded. Gregory had subsided. The Demon tapped Alan on the shoulder,
“Pickles!” he shouted before bolting away from Fang. The demon turned round to see Alan staring at him with a blank expression. He sighed, “That was the signal!”
“Oh…right…” said Alan as he started to run after the demon. Fang realized what was going on a bit too late and fired magic blasts at them repeatedly. Alan followed the demon over his car and when he turned round saw his car burst into flames,
“Oh god! Not the car as well!” Alan stood there and the demon had to run back and grab him,
“What are you doing? That’s the wrong way!” he pulled on Alan’s shoulder and they carried on running. He put his hand up to his left ear, “Dowin I need a pick up now!”
“This better not be a chick pick up Dad.” The voice on the other side of the radio sighed. Alan saw “Dad” frown,
“Shut up Dowin. Pick up. Now!” Alan could have sworn he heard laughing coming from the radio. Alan was pulled down behind a car. The demon sighed, Alan shifted uneasily,
“Who are you?” he asked as he put his hand on the handle of his dagger silently. The demon smiled,
“You should know. You’ve been looking for me.” Alan’s hand left the dagger. His quest to find the demon was over. The demon smiled, Alan smiled back. The demon’s hand went up to his left ear, “Err…Dowin? Could you hurry up? This guy is freaking me out!”
Alan laughed crazily and the demon joined in. Their laughs were drowned out by the sound of helicopter blades spinning. They looked up and a small helicopter was beginning to land on the road. Just before it landed on the roofs of the cars it hovered in place. The demon jumped up and held out a hand for Alan. Alan smiled and took the hand. The journey had begun.

writer's note: this story does get better by the way and i'll be posting some more of it soon.

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Foreman1984

I skimmed a bit of your story, and although it appears interesting, i personally think that your writing skills needs slight development. Im not personally attacking you, just look at this for example: You put

'Alan was very, very bored. He was skimming down the motorway at over eighty miles an hour with his arm hanging out of the window. He was head banging as he listened to Duran Duran, not the average listening material for an ordinary teenage boy'

Sometimes less is more, i would have put something like

Alan felt bored as he cruised down the motorway at over eighty miles per hour, his arm draped out of the window as the unlikely music of Duran Duran pumped rhythmically through his car stereo.

Do you see what i mean? Of course its a point of pesonal approach, but even in this quick example, i feel its slightly more appealing than 'stating' whats happening

F84


EDIT: Just read the first too paragraphs - i personally feel you have a lot going on, too much for a reader to grasp and keep interest in the rest. Just my opinion; perhaps someone else on here could clarify?

Nefieslab

the reason i there is a lot going on is because i needed a cause to show you my two other hero characters Gregory and Jorin.

in case you didn't know Gregory is Alan's split persona. Alan Wylde is not the main character though. Jorin Devine is (the demon). the reason why i have done this chapter from his point of view is because i want to save an entire chapter for his point of view. there will be bits of chapters that involve his thoughts but they won't be very long points in the chapters.

i like your comment about the music and i've decided that i will use that introduction instead. it's good and to tell you the truth this has been rushed out i suppose. i see what you mean and thanks for the comment!

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Nefieslab

i hope my unique approch to the beginning of the story isn't too much of an eye sore what with the history and all. but i think that you need a small amount of detail before the story starts in earnest. there will be times in the later chapters when the character's intentions and emotions are not clear. this is the point so try not to look too lost!

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Foreman1984

Its good, just a little confusing. See this part

Anyway back to Alan in his Alfa Romeo 146 speeding down the motorway to find the missing demon. Alan could tell by the slow movement of the traffic in front of him that there was a diversion. When Alan got to the next turning off the motorway he saw that there was a fire raging on the road and that the reason for the diversion was that the fire completely blocked off all of the lanes. Alan was already alert when he saw the flames

Its like your talking to a friend? And hes 'speeding down the motorway' yet there is slow moving traffic ahead - not many sections of motorway have visible areas a mile or so ahead, so this seems somewhat strange.

Just anotehr example, id have put

Burying his foot further into the accelartor pedal of his Alfa 146, Alan suddenly noticed the cresent of red brake lights that lit up the night ahead of him. As he braked softly, the scenery which had been whipping past him now slowed down, became more solid and less blurred. Trees, cows, grass; something visible either side of this black scar that he drove on through the land. Weaving accross the lanes amidst the other cursing motorists, Alan noticed a great plume of organe and black up ahead in the distance, clearly the cause of todays disturbance he thought as he now came to a standstill.

Anyway, hope this gives you some inspiration, keep up the good work though

Nefieslab

that is also good... it must be used!

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Nefieslab

do you want me to pm you chapter two before i post it?

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Foreman1984

that wouldnt be a good idea mate, we all write differently and as such id probably end up adapting your entire work just to the way i write! Iv been writing for 6 years, a hell of a lot more recently, and i still play around with my work - for example i have 2 prologues at current and 3 sets of the first 12 chapters, each intergrating different ideas! Feel free to take a look at my thread if you wanna see the less dramatic prologue iv written for my work!

I know i say to other people you gotta pace on, but im at a stage where all the ideas for the first and second book are totally thought out in my head, i just lose motivation when writing sometimes as i think i may never get published! Silly eh!?

Nefieslab

no. not at all. i get that all the time its like we have a spiritual bond...*Farts* Well that ruined the moment! Let the pming begin!
Nordism!

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