Knocking

Hamrah hobbled along the riverbank in search of the rock. He grinned when he found it and sat down with a sigh of finality. In his pocket sat a handful of power given to him by Bernas the sky king. He reminisced about the gifting of the power, when the sky king also gave him his daughter, Princess Azalea, to marry. Such things were customary when one saved a kingdom.

Plucking that last bit of power out of his cloak pocket, he tossed it into the air and watched it drift towards the river. “Water claves, emerge! Before I die, come and dance on the river’s surface,” Hamrah commanded. To the old man’s delight, the specks hit the water and out jumped thousands of water droplets leaping and colliding. The water droplets formed transparent creatures, able to retain a human-like shape. With insufficient wings on the lower part of their backs, they could only hover off the surface for a brief time before they fell again.

They pranced over the river and around the man who clapped out a beat for them. Amidst the excitement, he noticed a single speck of power jump out of the same pocket into his hand. “Have I forgotten one? Very well,” he said as he flung it onto a tree nearby. “Fire clave, emerge!” It did and spread over the tree consuming it in flames. Flickering and staring back at him, a few dozen fire claves stretched and flew about in their new bodies. “Come and dance with your kind!” Hamrah’s face lit up as they joined the water claves that circled him.

They played in perfect harmony, giggling and joining hands in a circle. Then too many fire claves surrounded a water clave and it quickly boiled and evaporated out of sight with a scream. All motion stopped. The first fire clave laughed brutally. The rest of them soon followed, causing the water claves to seethe. A dozen water claves sprung on the fire clave, extinguishing him. A bloodless battle ensued in which the fire claves jumped onto trees to increase their number and the evaporated water claves later dropped back down as rain to put them out again. The old man fled from the scene, then shouted back to them, “Curse you, claves, unable to live in harmony! My grandson will lead one kind and the seven will destroy the other because have I passed my power on to them.” With that, he hobbled back along the river’s shore.

Hamrah spotted Azalea coming out to meet him. Her golden hair swayed in time with her long skirt as she took his arm and guided him into the small house. A boy ran over and closed the red door before watching his grandfather die amongst his family.

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This is the revised version. The next part is on page 2. Does anyone know how to edit a title? I shouldn't have put the word count. All criticism is welcome. Thanks. Oh, and Hamrah isn't the main character, this is kind of an introduction/back story to the rest.

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Voodoo

I don't understand the background of the story, love. But the inability to work together is certainly understood. For a moral story, you don't really have to prove the background, but it is best if the reader isn't bewildered. I muast admit, I do no know what a clave is. The definition of power is ambiguous... I also didn't get the ending, where he said the power is passed on... can you enlighten me, knocking?

Knocking

Well, it's just the beginning, so most of the end will be explained later. The claves and his grandson and the seven are the main characters, this is what started it all. I should post the rest sometime... Anyway, a clave is just a made up creature. There was a description, but apparently not very detailed..? Power is just magic, but different because it's not wizardish, but from the "weatherman" (sky king). But I get sick of using magic so I thought I'd rename it, yet keep it similar...bad idea?

Thanks for replying!

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Voodoo

GOOD IDEA. i get so bloody sick of hearing, "Its magic harry..." But power is a bit vague- forgive me, i thought this was a short story, as you posted the word count. I do look forward to seeing this progress, as i've subscribed to the thread.

I also liked the tad of myth- make a pantheon, it makes everything so much more interesting. Read A Scattering Of Jades, by Alexander irving.

Knocking

Thanks so much! I will revise it with more description of what the power is. That's very heartening. I'll look that book up as well.

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Voodoo

Perhaps you can help me with my writing. It seems as though all my characters are rather shallow... i tell, not show. Its a keen flaw that will only hold me back... and yes, if anyone every says anything that is not heartening aboout your writing, quite simply, ignore it.

Knocking

Certainly, I'll help however I can. I've heard that some writers base characters off people they know, which would deepen personality a bit. Is there a certain piece posted? Criticism isn't heartening, but it still improves it.

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Voodoo

Everything i've posted as of yet is already in my signature, love. And if i based my characters off someone I know, this world would very likely be hell by now. I think I tend to base them off bipolar emotion. I don't know, beats me.

Knocking

Alrighty, I'll have look.

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Baron

Hi, Knocking. I've enjoyed reading this and really can't add to what Voodoo has said. I also look forward to seeing more. I haven't posted anything of my own on this forum yet but I'm adding a link to an extract that's posted elsewhere if you're interested in taking a look

http://wwwartandsole.smfforfree2.com...pic,289.0.html

I have to compliment Voodoo on always working to project a balanced view whenever I see his posts.

Rob

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Knocking

Thanks so much! I will probably edit it, expand it, and post it again today. I'll take a look.

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Azmakna

i like this little scene a lot. perhaps the voice isn't quite right for this, but it has promise. i get the sense that i'm in and out of this scene too quickly. be sure to make a scene like this long enough for the reader to feel they have been there for the duration, other wise you run the risk of just creating a list of things that happened instead of a natural flow of events

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

Knocking

Thanks for the edits and comments, Azmakna. I appreciate the specifics!

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Krim

Nothing to add that the other person didn't mention, but the line of dialogue about the claves was very long-winded and I can't imagine anyone actually saying all that in one sentence. Break it up into a bunch of separate sentences, preferably with an important part in each line. I would give you a recommendation but it's confusing and I'm not sure what you mean by 'other' when you say my grandson will lead one kind and the seven will destroy the other. Are there seven types of claves or what? I'm guessing that by 'the other' you mean the son will rule, say, the fire, and he will destroy the water. But who are the seven?

__________________
"A terrible energy and strength began to grow in him. It grabbed his emotions and forged them into a solid bar of anger with one word stamped on it: revenge." - Eragon by Christopher Paolini, an international bestseller

Knocking

The seven are the grandson's seven children. They will destroy the other kind (for example the water claves). It will be explained more later on, the line is merely so show that Hamrah planned it. Thanks for the comments, I will look at that again...

__________________
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society