What You've All Been Waiting For! - Writers Forum

Xtlk 1 · 06-05-2007, 11:33 PM

Yes, its true! I finally submit my feeble attempt at writing anything worth writing. Soooo go ahead and criticize like you never have before!
My writing career is in the palm of your hand!
(Oh and don't worry about telling me if its bad...I need some excuse to hit my head against the wall.

)

I

Talagon felt a cold breeze flow by. A nice draft that sent shivers down his spine. He leaned toward Drathar and said “Damn’d cold...”
Not expecting more than a grunt in reply he was surprised when Drathar said “Sure is. It always is these days.” Talagon scanned the horizon and then said “Yep, two more years till it clears.”
“Well,” Drathar said, “little longer this time I think. Said something about a couple extra months.”
Talagon laughed “It’s the global warming crap all over again.”
“I should hope not. We got lucky this time...” Drathar didn’t bother saying what everyone already knew. They did get lucky this time but, as those astrologists always loved to say, they wouldn’t again. Talagon looked back towards the skyline before he said “Can’t believe it’s already been 248 years since the landing.”
“249 actually...”
“Yep that’s right; keep forgetting it just became 249 A.O.” Talagon sighed “Hey, you remember what year was it when they left?”
“It was 3025 give or take a year, I think.” Drathar said, “I can just imagine what all those lift offs would look like.” He finished with a sigh. Talagon got up from the boulder where they sat constantly perusing the outlaying lands and said “Yep, pretty damn’d brave of them if you ask me.” Before Drathar could reply the conversation was ended with slow footsteps from behind. Talagon went for his gun but stopped midway when he heard a familiar voice. “Eh, who’s there?!” Talagon shouted.
“Sergeant Laet.” Talagon and Drathar lowered their guns as they saw their sergeant step out from behind some cracked boulders.
“Sir,” Drathar said, “Are we off watch? We had a couple more hours left I thought?”
“Yeah you did...Captain’s decided to let this division off for a while.”
“So we can head into town you mean?” Drathar said over Talagon’s whoops.
“That’s exactly what I mean. Two more infantry units are setting up for watch quarter mile south along these cliffs so head in.” Laet finished sardonically, “Enjoy your leave, go to town and have some fun. Don’t worry about me, I get to sit in my small office doing paperwork all day and night...”
While Laet rambled on Drathar and Talagon packed up their stuff, clipped their weapons to their belts, and started to head to level ground. As Talagon started to dodge back between the forest of elongated boulders Drathar stopped. Talagon was happy to go home, but for him this was home. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted ready to be in the city again. Drathar sighed and looked back across the plains.
Blue short-cropped grass as far as the eye could see. No note of any rise or fall in the land. In fact, the only thing coming out of the ground was the 60 mile wide plateau they lived upon. That and one single Crietan newly sprouting from the ground. It was a tree-like animal, its existence baffled scientists, which grew to its full height in only hours then crumbled to the ground, its leafeless limbs outstretched to the sky. Drathar watched as it split from its seed, its rooted legs dug into the ground, its trunk shaped spine quickly, fluidly shot up and expanded, its branched arms formed and twirled and split into masses. Drathar gave one last glance and then turned as Talagon called after him.

The city of Falagar bloomed ahead as a bright star in the expanse of darkness. Newly adorned in their fresh civilian clothing Drathar and Talagon walked down the main road. “I get why there can’t be any cars no more but it’s a damn’d long walk...” Talagon complained like always but Drathar said nothing. Truthfully Talagon’s words didn’t even reach his ears for his eyes were the sense that lived in the moment. Fixated upon the lively star. “I think I understand why the survivors of Ariel were so excited when they saw Falagar.” Drathar’s statement turned to a whisper, “Just one glance brings all of it back.... happiness, hope, love...” Surprised by Drathar’s contemplation Talagon tried to change the subject “Yeah, they also didn’t have to freeze their asses off on their way.” He said between shivers.
“Well if you’re so cold why didn’t you bring a jacket?”
“Didn’t have one; last time I came from the city was before the Cold set in.”
“There’s a station coming up. They have jackets and bikes I think.”
Wanting to leave the frigid air they bought a couple a bikes and rode on to their star.

The din of the city blistered in their ears. The tumultuous crowd that stood before could only yelp and prance around to keep from freezing. They waited in line for entrance to the great city with guards on both sides and a fortified entrance gate ahead.
“Get moving! Its damn’d cold out here!” Again came Talagon’s minutely bellows to the gate warden who apparently felt he had to make sure that ever single person wasn’t a Klaye in disguise. Drathar never did take to cursing but if he did right now would be a good moment for using it. He leaned toward a sentry and said “Why is this taking so long? Last time I entered we had just as big a crowd and it took only half an hour.”
The sentry raised an eyebrow “Didn’t ya hear? There’s been a spotting in the east. Watchman said he’s seen some of ‘em Raine, like a pack or something. Said they looked like they were scouting.”
Talagon overheard and decided to include himself “Yeah but this is the West Gate, doesn’t matter if they‘re on the east side. We should be able to walk in just like always.” “If they were going to stage an attack they could just as easily pop up from the west as the east.”
Drathar began ignoring the conversation as it turned into an argument between Talagon and the sentry. He looked up to the sky instead. During the Cold you never could really see any stars. There were a few white dots in the sky but nothing too bright. Then his vision moved to the city itself. The orange colored outer force shields truly gave the city more of a star look than anything else in the sky. Being almost circular the city had a diameter of 35 miles with support columns that rivaled the Eiffel Tower. At least they say, no one really knows anymore. This monolithic city was their pride-
Drathar’s thoughts were interrupted by the gate Warden who said “I.D.?” with a bored look. He flipped out a trapezoid of a card with his picture, name, birth date, district number, and branch under which was the title Hunter. The Warden looked at him in surprise and said, “Welcome back, sir! Been a long time.” And after that comment he gave Drathar a stone-like stare that made him seem like the gate Warden had to inspect every detail of his face from the scar right above his eyebrow to the dip in his chin before sliding the card through a keypad. He put in his own personal code to verify that a warden was present and watched as the glass door slid open. Drathar stepped inside and heard the giant door quickly close behind him. He walked down a dark and slightly damp corridor, a medium between the cold planet and the warm city. He made sure to note the panels in the walls. If necessary those panels could separate to reveal a few very large and powerful turrets. He quickened his step as he noticed the second giant glass door across the hallway. Six inches of glass made these doors all but impossible to break while being lighter and allowing the passage of light unlike steel. Drathar felt the ground shake as the first door opened and could hear Talagon call for him to wait. But once again Talagon’s words landed on deaf ears. Drathar’s walk was now deliberate, every step a struggle. He could slowly feel himself break free from the shadows and enter the light; he could almost taste the joy this city radiated. He struggled harder and harder to break through. His paced slowed until he came to a complete stop. In the midst of the shadows yet on the verge of light. Talagon was finally catching up to him. “Hey, we’re here huh? It’s been a long while.”
“Yeah, it has.” Talagon waited for Drathar to continue but when he realized nothing more would be said he urged Drathar on, “Come on mate, I know you’ve been waiting longer than I have.”
Drathar sighed and said, “I...I’m scared” Talagon looked surprised. These two words were more of a blow to him than any physical punch or curse or jeer that has ever reached him. Never in the long time they’ve worked together had Talagon ever seen Drathar scared, much less here him admit it. “What have you to be scared of? Beyond that big door is life.”
“I guess that’s it, life. It’s a pretty big change from being on the edge of a cliff, scaling hillsides, or just plain sitting on a boulder with nothing to do other than think and look and feel.”
“Some changes are for the better you know.” Talagon said sincerely.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
And with that Drathar took the last steps into life.

Xtlk 1 · 06-06-2007, 06:55 PM

Nothing? Really?!
How disappointing...
Well, wait.
Is that 'cause its really really bad?
Or is there no reason to criticize?

twitch · 06-06-2007, 08:41 PM

i didnt post at first because i can't think of a way you could fix it... with your next chapter i promise ill find one.

keep up the great work.

Xtlk 1 · 06-06-2007, 10:10 PM

Hah ok if you really think so
Thanks for commenting!

Mallignamius · 06-06-2007, 10:11 PM

Indeed, this is very good. And I'm picky like you wouldn't believe.

If I were going to be brutally picky, and swallowing my writing inexperience, I'd only address the force shields. I know they are used in science fiction as part of the standard repertoire, but they would make a poor defense. Were a target to develop and adopt shields of any transparency, the military response would be with lasers. And contrary to what you see in the movies, if it's transparent, a laser can get through. Maybe you could develop some interesting aspect to address that? Or rethink for a new defense technology?

Otherwise, I really like how you start this. And the pace is very comfortable. I hope you continue because so far I'd buy.

Xtlk 1 · 06-06-2007, 10:23 PM

I see your point. Luckily the only enemies that this city has are purely biological and though they have the intelligence to create something to surpass a force feild they lack the thumbs to create it. I might make a few adjustments but for now I'm just gonna work on writing it all before I go nuts.

Once again thanks for the comment.

Mallignamius · 06-06-2007, 10:35 PM

Ah, that'll work fine, then. Don't mind me, though. Only the occasional physicist would notice related errors, and it's nearly impossible to shut out science errors in fiction.

Any idea how long you've got to go? A year or two?

Xtlk 1 · 06-06-2007, 10:59 PM

Well seeing as how I'm still in school I probably have a long while before the entire thing is finished, let alone edited.

But if I keep at this pace then I should be able to finish in a couple years.

Who knows...I might even get it published (if I'm real lucky).

Xtlk 1 · 06-07-2007, 07:55 PM

Ok here it is. Second chapter as promised, maybe this time you'll find something to criticize me for.

Drathar awoke, his senses revived. And the first thing he noticed was the sound. The sound of a thousand little flapping wings. He slowly realized that it was the bird keeper opening the cage doors. Drathar was happy that the firsts brought a few animals with them, especially since all that lived outside the city shields were mostly enemies. Having birds flying about and dogs and cats walking the streets helped make the city feel like home. But by now there really were thousands. And every morning they all took flight to their favorite corner of the city or next to a good bird feeder or many times along the colossal platforms that stuck out every now and then along support columns.
Then the light hit him. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. He slept on a sofa bed while Talagon occupied the one on the other side of the room. In between them stood a low set table where a few shot glasses and an empty bottle of Falagar Liquor sat. There were a few plants in the corners, a desk to the side, and a mirror here or there. But what caught Drathar’s attention were the glass doors leading to the balcony. Streams of orange blue light revealed the dust in the air. Long lengths of patterns that twirled and flowed together. For a moment he was captivated by them...until something else distracted him.
A very loud snore sounding like something between a Raine’s growl and a Furrower’s snort. Drathar looked across the room to Talagon who let out a couple more beastly snores and then rolled over. Knowing there would be no way he could go back to sleep he slowly stood to his feet. The slight pounding in his head didn’t help his sluggish movements but he stood anyways. Drathar continued his slow walk to the bathroom where he splashed some cold water over his face and reached for the bottle of “Anti-Hangover!” and took a sip. The effects were almost immediate but he knew his hand-eye coordination was still on the down side for the moment.
After feeling almost back to normal Drathar stumbled through the living room and to the glass doors. There was a slight screech when he slid them open but he paid no mind to that. He sat himself down in a ragged metal chair, took a deep breath, and a long look at the shining star before him. A few tall buildings stood in front of the hotel and behind these buildings was a real star still lucent even though the shields blocked most of the light out. He watched as the force shields slowly grew brighter. A decade back it was decreed that the force shields would be toned down at night to save energy and sleep even though it risked intrusion. It didn’t matter much though since most of the enemies that attacked the city only did so during the day.
Drathar was still looking at the star until an elevator attached to a support beam moved through his vision. Naturally his curious eyes followed the elevator up to its balcony. Drathar knew this balcony well; it was the Balcon du France. Being the only French restaurant in the entire city it was high-class and only the rich and powerful were let in. Truthfully he could probably get in himself but he never really fancied anything high-class. They required too many manners and people always looked at him funny as if he didn’t belong, which was probably because he didn’t.
Then once again Drathar’s eyes felt themselves nudge in a new direction, this one being the crystal that stood to the right. It always fascinated him; he once even sat on a balcony for half a day just staring at that crystal. After that he tried to keep himself from looking in its direction. Yet in the end he always found himself gazing at it...or perhaps just the opposite. The reason he really stared was because he could almost feel life in this crystal.
Being that the crystal was half a mile wide, was the center of the city, and that its reach was so high no one has ever seen the tip he was pretty sure plenty of people stared at it. There were even rumors floating around saying that its tip goes past the shields and that the first governor was laid to rest at the top. Of course these were just rumors.
Once again came that beastly snore from behind him in the hotel room. This time though it was followed by a yawn and the words, “Oh! ...My head hurts like I was hitting it with a hammer.”
“You just might have been; I barely remember anything from last night.” Drathar called out to Talagon without bothering to get up.
“If there was a hammer involved it was probably you hitting me with it...” Talagon muttered.
“Don’t I wish! Just take a few sips and let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah, yeah...alright.” Talagon moaned a little as he walked towards the bathroom.
After a while Drathar stood and walked back into their hotel room. “Hey, where do you think we should go today?”
“Well a bar, of course!” Talagon said as he splashed cold water on his face a couple times, though it didn’t help much.
“You do realize that you can barely walk let alone lift a pint. Besides we were at a bar the last two days.”
Talagon laughed. “Well that’s kinda the best part about coming to the city.” Then after a moments thought, “That and the women!”
Drathar laughed back at him. “What women? I haven’t seen you talking to any.”
“Oh we’ve just been to the wrong places, tha’s all.”
“Yes well those wrong places happen to be named Nibley’s Pub .”
“Fine, I see your point. Let’s just take a walk then. Maybe near the crystal which I’ve noticed you keep staring at.”

Drathar and Talagon walked down a slightly narrow road towards the city center. They bobbed through carts and open shops until Talagon’s eyes met the sign that said Nibley’s Pub with the picture of a pig drinking beer below it. That wonderful picture completely described the pub and the people in it. They were supposed to head towards the center where it was more open but Drathar could easily see that Talagon’s eyes slowly move towards the pub. “Fine go in!” Drathar growled a little.
“Thanks!” Talagon said as he half ran, half walked into the pub.
“Yeah, be quick about it! I’ll be right out here.” Drathar began pacing around outside. He took a few glimpses at the shops but nothing there really interested him, at least yet. Until he saw it, there in a shop right outside the pub.
Hanging on the side of an open shop was a band of leather with a few insignias. But the band wasn’t important, what hung on the end was. Drathar had heard that there were people who hopped the high fences and entered the grassy area that separated the city from the giant crystal. He had heard that they brought light picks with them and walked the crystal searching for a good, safe location. He had heard that these people had chipped pieces off of the giant crystal and took them back and sold them on the market. But now was his first time seeing one.
There on the end of the leather band was a shard of crystal with a hole on the end that would of taken months to dig out. The crystal that the city centered was also the power source of the city. The ones who had landed here had found that the crystals here could be chipped away and melted to generate power. Then later they found they could drain the crystal of power generating more energy without destroying it.
All this rushed through Drathar’s head within a single moment and then he remembered the feeling he got whenever he stared at the crystal. He immediately walked over to the shop and grabbed necklace not even to buy but just to stare.
“If the crystal can power a city just imagine what a shard can do for a man!” Drathar said under his breath.
“You like, eh?” Came a voice from behind the table that held a few more bands and necklaces but none as worthy as the one he held.
“Yes, it must of taken years to fashion it this way.” He didn’t even bother to look up.
“It took 56 years and 398 days in fact.” The voice replied.
“It must of taken your whole life then.” This time Drathar did take a short glance at the shopkeeper who was stout and a little darker than most of the residents.
“My life? No it was in the making for long before me....It was meant for you Hunter.”
Drathar was caught completely off guard with this remark. He looked towards the shopkeeper with wide eyes and an open mouth. Then for the first time since their meeting he took a good look at the shopkeeper.
As before he noticed that he was stout and dark. He had a little goatee and long sideburns with a few scratches around his face. But what truly caught
Drathar’s attention were his eyes. Eyes that held evil in their vertical slants and green tinted whites.
“Klaye!” Drathar’s mind screamed but his mouth didn’t open. He immediately went for the large hunting knife in his boot but it was too late. The ‘shopkeeper’ caught him and held him in place with inhuman strength.
He spoke again but this time he didn’t bother disguising his voice and a serpentine hiss came forth. “Do not worry Hunter. I mean no harm to your people....I am here only to give you this crystal. It just may save your life–”
His unnerving words were cut off by a loud explosion near the gate south of them. The Klaye looked in the direction but not with surprise.
“They are early...” Drathar heard the it whisper. He let go of Drathar and grabbed the crystal which had fallen to the floor in their struggles. “Take it!” He hissed, “Take it and fight for your city.”
Talagon came running out of the pub and looked towards Drathar. “What the hell was that?!” He shouted between the now arising screams that came from the crowd around them. The mood of the city slowly maneuvered itself into chaos.
“I don’t know!” Drathar looked back to the Klaye but found only the pile of human skin the Klaye used to hide its true form.
Once again came a loud explosion from the entrance gate. This time though they watched as the southwestern shield slowly faded away until it had completely turned off.
Talagon looked towards the blue sky that now shone through. Never being real articulate with the English language he still manages to say a single word that described the entire situation.
“Shit!”

Ok I did feel this one was slightly akward at times so tell where you think it can be better.

Mallignamius · 06-10-2007, 10:30 PM

I'm impressed with the pace. I'm struggling with that myself. So when I see someone carry it this comfortably, eyes turn green.

The only things I find in need of improvement are very superficial, like grammar and style. So if you get it edited, I think it could compete in its market.

Okay. So as I read this, I want more. I want to know more about what's happened, and that's going to come up in context, of course. We don't need a textbook chapter on the circumstances. But maybe it could use a little explanation; a paragraph or two describing some history. Maybe. Just a taste. And that's all I have... I feel like that belongs at the start of chapter two. Just to give the impression that the reader doesn't have to fill in all the gaps, like we're not left in the cold.

But I don't know. It does seem to stand just fine as it is. I think there's an equilibrium that's hard to key when it comes to sci-fi. And that's tough to accomplish. I don't want to feel too much like an alien, but a friendly foreigner is okay. But I also want a sense of discovery in sci-fi.

Now, I'm just digging. It does feel like something is missing. The significance of which I can't estimate. Maybe the story is too two-dimensional? I mean, I don't feel a strong connection with any of the characters yet. Second chapter is early for that, but it needs to happen for a pay off. I think.

Back to the first chapter, I was a little confused about what happened to who: Talagon or Drathar. "He never had a chance to see it fall..." Having thought one of them died, this raised my interest. It was a peaceful moment, and to end the lead-in with a tragedy like what I thought it was is a powerful technique. In any case, I think that part could use some tweaking, if just for clarity.

Leaving similar parts unclear is also a tactic for keeping the reader interested, I think for obvious reasons.

But bear in mind that I'm a complete know-nothing.

Xtlk 1 · 06-10-2007, 11:18 PM

Hmmm...I guess I can see what you mean.

As about introducing history I'm trying to do just that. I want to give hints here and there but not to lead in too quickly. Of course my view is biased seeing as how I know what happened...

I could hint more and give some pure information but idk about putting a couple paragraphs...just doesn't seem right...

And I can rewrite the last part of the first chapter. It does have a deeper meaning but that isn't revealed at the moment.

As for an error in my grammar and style could you give me an example?
That way I don't go on forever screwing up and then have to go back and fix everything...

Mallignamius · 06-11-2007, 12:16 AM

One immediate example:

Original:
“It must of taken your whole life then.”
Corrected:
"It must have taken your whole life then."

But my grammar skills aren't too sharp, so you'll want some editing done via Word or a professional.

Xtlk 1 · 06-11-2007, 04:22 PM

Hah ok I see what you mean.
I make many dialogue mistakes on purpose but that isn't obvious enough to need to be there so yeah.
And anyways, like you said, It will be edited eventually and should come out fine.

Xtlk 1 · 06-11-2007, 10:36 PM

My third chapter if any one wants to read it.
This is the action scene I was having trouble with and posted asking help for on Critique and Advice.

III

Drathar and Talagon both ran in the direction of the damaged shield. The Klaye’s words pounded through Drathar’s head in rhythm with the pounding of his boots on the cobble stone streets. He said I needed the crystal for something....what something? He thought.
Though, as they neared his thoughts were drowned out by yells of civilians and soldiers alike. Talagon and Drathar stopped as they reached the gate. To their left was the generator to the still working shield and crowded buildings. But to their right was a park an acre wide with the generator that used to power the other shield. There were men and beasts scattered throughout the park which was surround by buildings on all sides but theirs.
Drathar’s mind clicked as he saw the current battlefield and he usual easy-going nature was swept away by the deeper side of him that acquired Drathar his title. He looked towards the generator which had a large black spike in it and a dazed technician trying to fix it.
“They have to get that shield up.” Drathar yelled to Talagon, “Protect him....I will stop the intrusion.”
His last words carried him over the fence with his knife in hand. The smell of rotting flesh entered his nostrils. Half of a Raine lay beside the body of a soldier. In war everyone one lost no matter which side had won.
The sight would have been overpowering but once again it was swept away. A passion for battle had taken Drathar’s emotions from him for in battle emotions only held you back. He trotted towards the middle of the park dodging between trunks of giant oak trees and the blockades of human remains that lay all around.
As he neared the center he could hear the calls of soldiers. It was apparent that the battle had momentarily ceased. He stopped as he reached the edge of a clearing where a group of three soldiers knelt by a tree.
He knelt down near them and said “What happened?”
Without bothering looking back one replied “Defeated ‘em, for now. Don’t worry though...they’ll be sending another wave any minute.”
“How many dead?”
“Including the cap’n here that’ll be twelve.”
Drathar realized what they knelt around was a body.
“Every five minutes or so ten of them jump over the wall from the outside. They land in this clearing and we try to take them out before they get us.” A second soldier said.
“Yeah there’s us and another little group on the other side.” The first soldier said, “Hey Tidus! Numbers?”
“Five!” A call came back from across the clearing.
“Not good odds.” The first admitted.
Drathar looked around the battle field, thinking about the tactics of his enemy. He decided to take control “Don’t worry, you don’t need good odds. You three spread out and hide behind these trees. Make your shots count....don’t want to be hit when I’m out there.”
All three soldiers raised their eyebrows but followed his orders anyways. They watched questioningly as Drathar grabbed his hunting knife and walked towards the middle of the clearing. “He’s a nut, ain’t he?” the third soldier said.
Drathar heard the soldier’s words but didn’t care. He knew that in a couple minutes that the soldier would be very happy that Drathar was a nut.
“Tidus, get your men to spread out. Use the trees as cover.” He shouted towards his right as he faced the tall wall surrounding the city.
Then Drathar knelt in the center of the clearing, stuck his knife into the ground, and waited. He slowly began to recall his last encounter with a Raine. They had the appearance of a hyena yet the speed and dexterity of a house cat. Their short thin hair revealed their purple flesh. The tight and almost transparent skin made the Raine look almost like pure muscle, which wasn’t too far off since it was just as tall as the average man but weighed a thousand pounds. But what really made them unique was their funnel like mouth lined with teeth giving them the unique ability to completely encompass a man’s head...and then rip it out.
Drathar shuddered slightly at the thought. The array of limbless, and sometimes headless, bodies didn’t help his efforts to keep breakfast down. He breathed deeply and calmed himself.
All became still. It was as if the wind itself had stopped in awe of what was coming. He watched as a single oak leaf fell to the ground. Brilliant hues of orange and brown, such insignificance immersed in such meaning. For it signaled their approach.
Drathar placed his hand around the earth encased knife as one by one Raine leaped over the wall into the clearing. After the entire wave was present they stood, eyes shifting through the scene as if it were the page of a book. And after reading all that they needed to assess the plot they rushed.
One ran head-on towards Drathar who, being directly center, looked like an easy target. Such a powerful rush would frighten any man, except Drathar. He didn’t make a single movement, not even a blink, keeping his eyes directly on the opposing beast. And once it was only a yard away Drathar launched his feet into the air kicking the animal in the head with such power that its half ton of muscle was lifted a few feet off the ground. Completing the move with a full circle, hands on the ground to keep his balance, Drathar pulled his knife out of the ground and stood low to the earth before the Raine with his jaw crushed into his brain. The others gave only a glimpse towards their fallen ally before madly running in all directions. Drathar rushed with the speed of a falcon towards a still Raine that was watching its surroundings and not paying any attention to his insane sprint. As he ran past another Raine, who was directing its attention to the group of soldiers to the right, Drathar stuck his knife deep in its flank. He didn’t bother watching as it toppled headfirst into the ground. As soon as he felt the blade come free he leaped into the air towards the still distracted Raine. His legs coming up a full six feet above the ground he landed on its back snapping its spine and plunging the knife into the Raine’s head. As was obvious Drathar went for quick kills.
Before the Raine’s body fell he leaped again towards the group of three he had been talking with. Drathar paid no mind to their looks of awe as he slammed a Raine in the side with his shoulder while, at the same time, plunging his knife into the artery near its front leg.
Its plummeting body revealed the last Raine across the clearing with its mouth completely enveloping the head of flailing soldier. As it viciously twisted in an attempt to break the spine and rip through the neck Drathar flipped his knife in his hand and threw it with all his strength at the fiend. The knife penetrated its neck artery but it was too late. Though blood gushed from the Raine’s neck the ferocity of its movements had snapped the man’s neck and the newly decapitated body fell to the ground. Breathing heavily the Raine gave a last look at Drathar before its life left with its last gasp.
What pulled at Drathar was the look in its eyes as it died. The always present ferocity mixed with a hatred for men and something strange. Something he hadn’t quite seen before. Intelligence. Drathar realized he saw intelligence in its eyes.
“Hey, Drathar!” He heard Talagon’s familiar voice call from behind him.
“Hey, Drathar! Kick ass job, mate.” His voice came again followed by pounding footsteps.
Drathar turned to see him jogging over. But all he could really see were the Raine’s eyes.

They watched as a spaceship the size of New York landed in the center of a plateau. It was obvious that it was a cargo ship but four times the size of most. Made for long distance it seemed.
It hovered for many moments as if the controllers were unsure whether to land. After finally touching down a long ramp extend from beneath the ship to the ground. The pack of Raine came running to see what this amazing device held. They had seen another like it circling the planet and knew that something existed inside.
They hoped that they could speak with these creatures who might teach them about the universe. The Raine culture had always been obsessed with the stars...unlike Klaye who were more intertwined with the earth.
They watched carefully as these creatures emerged. They had hind and forelegs but only used their hind legs to walk on. Their faces were flat, they had slender builds but were muscular, they had eyes close together, an odd nose that came down from between the eyes, and the appendages from their hands were longer than those of the Raine. But what caught the Raine mostly by surprise was that they were generally hairless except a mat of fur atop their heads. That and their thumbs were not at the back of the hand but lying along with the fingers.
The first creature ran down to the ground and kissed it. The second surveyed the land until he saw the pack of Raine a little ways away.
“Land! It’s been so long since I’ve felt real dirt.” The first said.
“What are those?” The Raine heard the second say.
“What?” The first one stood and looked towards their pack, “Wow....it’s like some giant dog or something.”
“You think they’re dangerous? Wait a second...look at its mouth!” He shouted to his friend as he pulled out a long rectangular object. He raised it to his shoulder and aimed the other end to the nearest Raine. There was a little blast of light and a splatter of blood from the Raine’s skull.
As soon as they saw their comrade fall they completely forgot their hopes for these new creatures. They snapped into a different sort of thinking and lifted off like missiles flying towards their target. Before the creatures had time to fire again the Raine were on them, ripping flesh and biting limbs. These two animals were down but more came. They had the same weapons as the others and they fired again. Slowly the Raine fell. One by one they took a life until they had their own taken away from them. As the last Raine was shot he let out a loud howl that seemed echo across the planet. The look in his eyes full of something more than just pain.
Drathar woke drenched in sweat. He shook as he heard again and again the painful howl. He began to calm but couldn’t shake the feeling the dream gave him. He didn’t understand what it meant...what he had seen.
After a little while he noticed a warmth on his chest. He pulled at the crystal from underneath his shirt which shown bright white and was hot to the touch.
He looked at it and all he heard was the cry filled with pain...pain and a growing hatred.

Mallignamius · 06-14-2007, 09:22 PM

I don't have any input for this. All I have left is saying that I like it. Maybe you'll have to invest in a professional critic/editor to go beyond what you'll get here?