What You've All Been Waiting For! - Page 2 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

atmyexpense · 07-21-2007, 11:55 PM

your punctuation around dialogue needs to be corrected.

Xtlk 1 · 07-22-2007, 01:01 AM

Lol, thanks for the random comment......
Can you give an example of what I'm doing wrong?

..I say random because this hasn't been posted on for a while.

atmyexpense · 07-22-2007, 02:00 AM

---He leaned toward Drathar and said “Damn’d cold...”

There needs to be a comma after said.

I found the story by clicking on the link in your signature after I read one of your replies.

Xtlk 1 · 07-22-2007, 12:06 PM

Oh ok, that's probably everywhere. Well at least its fixable.

Almost forget I had it in my sig.

kittenlover · 07-22-2007, 08:02 PM

yeah I found this by the link in your sig. I'm not much of a fan of this genre normally, but you've done a really good job and its been able to keep my attention. It's really good, I can't find all too much to say what's wrong, I just agree with what people have said before. I'll be waiting for more!

Xtlk 1 · 07-22-2007, 09:12 PM

I haven't really written anything for this in a while....been on vacation and such.

But if you want me to I'll get on it.

kittenlover · 07-22-2007, 11:59 PM

yes please. I'd love to read more. soo start writing! *cracks a whip* ... lol j/k about the whip

Xtlk 1 · 07-23-2007, 12:24 AM

Lol. I'm not sure whether to be amused or disturbed..........

Writing right now.

Xtlk 1 · 07-23-2007, 02:39 PM

Ok chapter 4. This has been edited but less so than the others.

IV

Drathar took a deep breath. A mixture smells from leaves and grass floated on the air. He sat on a bench in the agricultural section of the city. Something about being surrounded by nature enticed him. The orchards of apple trees behind him and the field dispersed with oak trees in front of him awoke something in Drathar.
Though even the trees and the grass couldn’t quell the feeling of uneasiness. He pulled a hand watch out of his pocket to look at the time. 10:30....the Governor was not one to be late. And the fact that the he called to meet with Drathar at all was odd.
After a while he pulled out his hand watch again and heard the words “You never really were the patient type.” Drathar looked up to see the Governor standing with a big grin on his face.
“Governor.” Drathar took a kneel and when he stood again the governor gave him a look.
“You know you didn’t have to do that, Drathar.” The governor’s frown turned back to a smile, “If anything I should hail you for the way that you handled the incursion yesterday.”
Drathar’s breathing quickened slightly as he remembered all that had happened the day before. He had told a commander about the loose Klaye but he hadn’t told anyone, even Talagon, about the crystal. He figured it wasn’t anything important anyway.
“I do what I must to protect the citizens.”
“Yes, yes. The Citizens of Falagar.” The governor mumbled, “Well Falagar’s citizens have another task for you, Drathar.”
Drathar knew that it was the governor who had a task for him but said nothing.
“What kind of task?”
“Well, as you know, we have been using the Crystal to power our city.”
“Of course.” Drathar said.
“And you also can plainly see that the city population grows every day. We are beginning to flourish here. The only thing holding us back is the lack of housing and space.”
Drathar began wondering what any of this had to do with him. It seemed like the governor was talking about a building project.
“And I’m sure you also remember the ideas I had when I was first elected.”
Drathar was about to ask how any of this was important until realized what the governor was hinting at. His eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped slightly. “Expansion.” He breathed the word more than he said it. The idea was overwhelming. The city had never expanded outside the shields. It continued to grow inside but never out. And yet the more Drathar thought of it the more it seemed necessary.
“Yes, expansion. I plan to create a second perimeter of force shields a few miles out. After the shields are complete and a second barrier is secure then building within the two barriers will be possible. The only thing holding us back is energy output.”
“The Crystal doesn’t give off enough energy?”
“Well yes, but if we want to have the Crystal here forever we can’t risk pulling more energy out of it.”
How else could they get energy? Drathar thought. He filed through the ways they could create almost double the amount of power. Regular generators wouldn’t power the shields let alone an entire new section of the city. And they couldn’t take more energy from the Crystal so what else was there? All the old systems such as the wind turbines and water mills wouldn’t have worked either.
“Then how will we create enough energy-” The idea hit him as he was talking, “More crystals?” The governor gave a nod in response.
“Is that possible though? There aren’t very many deposits...and the common crystals are too small to power a city.
“It’s very possible. Right now our engineers are working on a generator that pulls energy from a common crystal. And after a few years, when it has died, we can insert a new one. The same process again and again can power the shields and the city.”
“That only leaves gathering enough crystals to last a few centuries.” Drathar started to see his role come into play.
“Exactly. Drathar I want you to lead a mining operation. You know the surrounding area better than anyone. Choose a destination and I will summon all the units needed to assist you.” The governor nodded and turned toward the military head quarters.
Drathar did know the area better than anyone. And though he had knowledge of the local environment he couldn’t think of a single deposit he could safely lead a team to. All the crystals worth mining were in the center of Raine territory, or in the Klaye caverns, or at the center of the Furrower den. Leading such a large team wasn’t going to be easy so he had to at least make sure it would be safe.
Drathar took a seat at the bench figuring that this would take a while. And he continued to sit there for hours while at the same time the governor was talking to other city officials. Drathar would have to lead the first force to ever leave the plateau. And drafts would be necessary if they were going to keep the area safe while engineers and architects worked on building the shields. If everything went right Drathar would be back with the crystals just in time. The plan was almost perfect.
...Almost.

Xtlk 1 · 07-25-2007, 12:48 AM

Ok chapter 5!

V

A small breeze passed by Drathar. If it wasn’t in the middle of the Cold then it might have been refreshing. But as it was it only made him shiver. It didn’t help that he was standing at the top of a rock column, either. Being twenty feet above the ground just made every breeze feel like it held needles of ice. But he stood still, surveying the military force that camped before him.
It was noon but they wouldn’t leave for a few days so he had the men set up their camps. Most of the veterans camped to the left while the drafted soldiers made sure to stay as far to the right as they could. Apparently the veterans liked to pick on the younger and inexperienced soldiers. The only problem with that is the younger soldiers stayed inexperienced because they had no one around who knew what they were doing.
“I need you to create companies of three rags and five stiffs.” Drathar said to a nearby officer. Hopefully melding the two sides would help.
Drathar sighed. This was the most unorganized platoon he had ever seen. He wasn’t used to having anyone follow him as he scouted the countryside. And now he had to lead almost one hundred soldiers. He looked at the soldiers that started to line up. Many had bored or scared looks on their faces. The morale was obviously low; the only citizens that ever left the plateau were the hunters. They knew this and it pulled at them. They had no idea what to expect when leaving, or coming back.
It scared Drathar a little too. What if he came back to find that there were raids into the city, or the project was canceled, or governor had died. Drathar knew he had to speak up. If not for the soldiers then at least for himself.
He raised his hand in a fist high above his head, which made many of the soldiers quiet down, and spoke.
“I know that none of you have ever left this place, your home. That many of you have fought with a Raine only on rare occasions and that even more of you have never even seen battle. I know that you are scared of leaving. Scared that you might never come back. But we are going to leave this place. And we are going to come back. And when we do this city will be twice its height. Twice its strength. Twice its glory. Your father’s will be wealthy from new work, your mother’s will be busy with cooking three meals a day, your brother’s and sister’s happy in new homes. We will leave this place a city...and come back to find it a star.”
Drathar heard a few cheers here and there but nothing special. He wasn’t disappointed though because he did notice a change. A new vigor in their step. A slight quickness that he hadn’t seen before. Their spirits were raised and hearts were pumping. He just hoped that that’s what they needed to stay alive. A little quickness when raising their weapons, when dodging a charge, when jumping in to save a friend.
Drathar took a deep breath and hopped down the rocks to level ground. “Hey, nice speech there, they should name you general if not for your skill then for your words.” He heard from behind him. Talagon stood there with a mocking smile.
“You managed to get everyone ready to leave but you don’t even know where we are going, do you?”
“I’ve got an idea. Follow me.” Drathar led Talagon into his tent, which the governor insisted should be twice as large. He stood by a makeshift desk and took out a map he had made while journeying. It wasn’t anything beautiful but it was as accurate as Drathar could get it.
“I had no idea where we could go and not have to fight back raids on a daily basis. Everything was deep in one territory or another.” Drathar said as he unfolded the map, “But then I remembered something, just at the back of my mind. I got this map as quick as I could and found it.” Talagon looked at the dot that Drathar was pointing at. It was directly south of the plateau.
“It’s a large deposit to the south. We can head there along the border into the Raine and Furrower territories.” Drathar said calmly.
Talagon had to interrupt him there. “Along the border of both territories? Are you mad?! Those Furrowers will look at us like a holiday pig. And then the Raine will come at us like bunch of vultures to pick at our bones. We would be attacked on more than a daily basis.”
Drathar heard this but just smiled and said, “You would think so wouldn’t you? But that’s just it. Raine fear the Furrowers and the Furrowers hate the Raine. There’s nothing at the border but grass and the occasional Crietan.” Drathar finished with a big smile. It was obvious that he was proud of finding what was possibly the only safe route.
“You’re a genius.” Talagon said quietly as he absorbed everything, “If we get real lucky we might actually get there and back.”
“Doubtful.” Drathar and Talagon turned to the source of a new voice. A man stood in the door way not caring that he was intruding. A tall, lanky man with black hair and black clothing. He obviously wasn’t a soldier by the way he held himself and the way he talked. He looked young but seemed knowledgeable beyond his years.
Talagon faced this man and tried to seem intimidating. “Yeah, well who are you?”
“Derryl, an astrologist, the council sent me to make sure none of you screw up.” Derryl sighed, “I’ve already failed though by the look of your soldiers. Untrained, unclean, and unwanted.”
At the word astrologist Talagon began making faces. After the landing the word ‘astrologist’ became more of a title for a certain class of scientists than the name of someone who studied astronomy. All astrologists did study under astronomy but they also studied under many other fields of science. That being what earned them the title almost all astrologists were snobby and rude. This one, though, just seemed pessimistic and negative.
“Astrologist? What fields of science do you study? And why the hell won’t you go away.” Drathar said the last phrase under his breath but meant the rest.
Derryl sighed. “Astronomy, Astrometry, Geography, Mineralogy, Petrology, Anatomy, Biology, many theories of mathematics, and really...the list goes on. Must I name every single one?”
“Fine, just stay out of the way and everything will be fine-“
Derryl, unsurprisingly, cut him off. “Out of the way? You may rank above me, hunter, but I am under orders by the council to make sure that this little mission doesn’t go to hell. I’m hoping you have some sort of idea on how to ready these soldiers.”
“We will train on our way. We still have a day to cross the plateau, and then a week before we should even be worried about attacks. I have many veteran commanders who will teach these soldiers how to shoot, set up camp, take care of their equipment, be wary on active sentry duty, and everything necessary to keep these men alive. And I do outrank you. Don’t forget that, astrologist.” Drathar retorted and then turned to leave.
He sighed as Derryl turned to follow him. He never did like astrologists.

Now does anyone know the military term for one hundred men? I don't exactly know how big a platoon is but I know its bigger than a company. Is that right or is there another term?

Silversleeve · 07-25-2007, 08:28 PM

I only read the first chapter, but it seemed pretty good, I don't usually like the sci-fi/war genre, but you did it quite well. I did find a few things, nothing major though:

"It was a tree-like animal (its existence baffled scientists) that grew to its full height in only hours then crumbled to the ground, its leafeless limbs outstretched to the sky."

"(its existence baffled scientists)" seems to split the sentence and the focus of the statement. I think that it should probably be put like this:

It was a tree-like animal that grew to its full height in only hours then crumbled to the ground, its leafeless limbs outstretched to the sky. Its existence baffled scientists.

Also, just three little grammer things I saw:

"Drathar’s thoughts were interrupted by the gate Warden who said “I.D.?” with bored look."

I think it's supposed to be: with "a" bored look. And:

"...detail of his face from the scar right above his eyebrow to dip in his chin..."

I'm guessing it's supposed to be: to "the" dip in his chin... And, finally:

"Talagon was shocked. These two words were more of a blow to him than any physical punch or curse or jeer that has ever reached his ears."

You seemed to switch to present tense in the second sentence.

That was all I saw, I'm guessing that's not exactly what you were looking for, but I'm more of an editor than a critic. However, from the critic inside me, I have good news: I liked the story and the writing was good. You've convinced me to read further, which is exactly what you need to do in the first chapter. I'll read chapter two when I get more time.

Xtlk 1 · 07-25-2007, 08:36 PM

No problem at all. I've been over that chapter about five times now. You seem to have found what even my vivid searching hasn't.

I did change the "baffled scientists" thing a little bit ago. I've actually changed a good amount for all the chapters.

I guess I should update everything.

Thanks for commenting.

Xtlk 1 · 07-25-2007, 10:35 PM

Okay, all chapters on here have been updated with the edited version.

ClancyBoy · 07-25-2007, 10:53 PM

It's very good, but the cheesy fantasy character names put my teeth on edge.

Then again I'm really not really the target demographic for this kind of fiction.

Xtlk 1 · 07-25-2007, 11:07 PM

Yes, yes I know..

I never am good at making names. Its really my biggest flaw in writing. By now though they just feel normal when writing.

Lol. Well thanks for reading.