Charlie_Eleanor

Fantasy novelle I am writing. This is the first part/prologue. I know it is ruff, but I have gone over it too many times to see anything bad. Know what I mean? Anyway, any suggestions would be appreciated!

The land was desolate, spanning for miles in every direction with no hint of civilization. To the east the sun rose above the three planets known as the Ter System. Corro, the largest of the planets, sat on the western horizon. Its purple atmosphere hid the lush terrain. Corro had become a pinnacle of economic success under the five hundred year rule of Emperor Onka. The emperor had unified the tribes of Corro, built the capital city of Medius, and raised an army that stretched as far as the eye could see.

Behind Corro Shaam could see Zilen, a planet covered with blue oceans. Though he could not see them, he knew that there were two small continents in the southern hemisphere, and several islands scattered around the globe, giving a home to a myriad of tribes. The people that lived on Zilen were very spiritual, following the old religious practices and teaching the history of the Elves.

Shaam looked down at his boots. The white soil of Urp clung to the black leather like a parasite. Urp, what some referred to as the desert planet, had been a metropolis of commerce and culture. It was the original home of the elves and other mystical creatures that had long ago been driven away by mankind. Now the only occupants were scapegoats, fugitives, and the reason Shaam had come, dragons. No longer did the great cities of old adorn the now jagged landscape. Sandstorms beat constantly on the surface of the planet and lightening storms echoed of the mountain tops. The few people who lived on Urp found refuge in caves within the canyons scattered throughout the land.

Shaam slowly began to move down the wall of one such canyon now. He placed his feet carefully, softly, on the uneven rocks. Sweat began to bead along the furrow of his brow as he concentrated on each individual step. Not more than ten feet below a ledge jutted out of the canyon wall; the entrance to a large cave that Shaam knew to be an inn of sorts. He was just starting to feel his muscles tense from the exertion necessary in climbing the wall, when he stepped quietly onto the ledge. From within he could hear the clinking of clay cups and occasionally misplaced laughter.

No greetings were offered to him as Shaam made his way into the dark recesses of the cave. People starred hard at him from make-shift tables that lined the walls. It was strange. On Corro Shaam was greeted with cheers when he walked into any establishment, and the cheers were usually more excessive at an inn where people’s spirits and voices were made freer by the ale. The people of his homeland respected and revered him, but on Urp silent loathing filled his ears. Even though he had traveled here multiple times, Shaam had never gotten used to it. And so, he ignored them and continued with his head held high until he reached the bar in the back of the cave.

“The best ale ye have, barkeep, for a tired traveler,” Shaam said cordially to the dark skinned man who stood behind the bar. Wordlessly the man filled a cup and handed it to him. Shaam tossed his head back and chugged the warm liquid. If trickled down his throat and for the first time in several days he began to feel energy in his veins. He sat the empty cup down loudly on the bar and smiled. “Have the sandstorms been bad as of late?” He hated to do it, but he needed information from this man. Shaam had to find a way to be friendly, something he was not used to doing. It took too much time. Usually he would have already slammed the barkeep to the ground, held a dagger to his throat, and demanded all knowledge he had of the area. But, to his dismay, Shaam had spotted several swords hanging from the hips of the men and women that sat watching him. They would not hesitate to kill him, if for nothing more than sport.

“What do you want, Dragon Slayer?” the man growled through his matted black beard. It was obvious to everyone who came in contact with Shaam. He proudly wore the seal of the Emperor that designated him as the enemy of the last fantastic creature in the Ter System. He was, as the barkeep said, a dragon slayer.

“Only some help, friend.”

“I offer no assistance to anyone in allegiance to the emperor. I am not your friend.” Shaam looked into the barkeeps eyes. Behind the rough exterior, could see that the man was scared, hungry, and alone. He did not want to be here. Most likely he had deserted his position in the emperor’s army, and was now forced to seek asylum in this hell hole. Again, Shaam smiled, and tossed a bag onto the counter. The gold within jingled as it settled onto the bar.

“Perhaps, friend, we got off on the wrong foot. I am Shaam.”

The barkeep licked his lips. He was thinking of the food, the women, the freedom that the gold sitting on the bar would buy. It would be enough to clear his name of treason. It would be enough to have a life again. “I am Bafch,” he replied.


Thanks for your time! Have a great day!

__________________

Knocking

Ha, I like the last couple paragraphs. They infer the pasts of the characters which is quite grabbing, I think. As for the rest of it, I think you are giving too much information too soon. While it is interesting and probably important to the story, it could be given later so the story could start sooner...but that's just me.

Overall, though, pretty awesome. Write more!

__________________
Would you care to read these?
Whistler's Children (revised the first part and added a second)
Structured Art
I hope you have a wonderful day.

Paige Turner

Knocking has a point there, Charlie. There is a lot to absorb in the first two paragraphs, a lot of foreign names to think "do I need to remember that name?" (espescially older folks like, well, not me, but you know what i mean )
Also, I have a huge problem with Urp being the name of anything other than urp. Can you please work on that? "The white soil of Urp clung..."
Gross.

(is this the one that's gonna get that poem?)

__________________



i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

Charlie_Eleanor

thanks to both of you, will take those points into account.

__________________