Orimono

This is an paper I had to do for my English 101 class last week. The assignment was to take a well known fairy tale or nursury and re-write it with a twist. I got an A on it, but I decided to post it here to see what your opinions on it are. Keep in mind I only had little over a hour to write this.

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Jeff and the Three Rednecks

One spring morning there was a young offender named Jeff. He went on his usual stroll through the countryside, but this time was different. After a few hours of walking he noticed a trailer home nestled near a strange cluster of maple trees. He looked through the windows to see if anyone was home, and when he didn’t see anybody he decided it was safe to trespass then went into the backyard to see how other people lived.

Sitting on the fence there were three empty soup cans. Jeff loved the sound of pellets hitting empty cans. He took out his pellet gun and shot the first can.

“That sound was too dull!” he said. So, he went ahead and shot the second can.

“That sound was too loud!” he proclaimed. So, he went ahead and shot the last can.

“Yee-haw! That sounds like a can of Mama’s famous homemade tomato soup,” he said excitedly, as he shot at it again and again.

After he finished destroying the three stranger’s cans he figured he became bored, so he thought he would go see what was inside the trailer. The door was unlocked, so he walked into the house. Upon entering he saw three hats made of straw. Jeff put on the hat farthest to the left.

“This hat cuts off the circulation to my brain!” he cried. So he took it off and tried on the second hat to the right of that one.

“This hat is too big! It hangs down over my ears,” he sighed. So he put on the very last hat.

“This hat fits just like my daddy’s does back home,” he said with glee. But just as he got up to walk away, he fell and the hat got snagged on a crooked nail and ripped open.

Jeff began to feel dirty so he went into the bathroom to wash up. He got into the first tub, but it was made of stone and was too tough. Then he got in the second tub, but it was made of marble and was too slippery. Then he got in the third tub and it fit him just right. So he started to bathe.

As he was bathing, the three rednecks came home.

“Someone gone an’ shot my can,” mumbled the papa redneck.

“Someone gone an’ shot my can,” cried the mama redneck.

“S-someone gone an’ shot m-my can three times!” shouted the adopted son redneck, Billy Bob.

“Someone’s been wearing my hat,” mumbled the papa redneck.

“Someone’s been wearing my hat,” cried the mama redneck.

“S-someone’s been w-wearing my hat an’ they ripped it apart,” shouted the adopted son redneck, Billy Bob.

They all started looking around every corner of the house to find the culprit and when they got in the bathroom, the papa redneck mumbled, “Someone’s been washing in my tub.”

“Someone’s been washing in my tub, too” cried the mama redneck.

“S-s-someone’s been w-w-washing in my tub, too. An’ they still in it!” shouted the adopted son redneck Billy Bob.

At that exact moment, the young Jeff saw the three rednecks and screamed, “I’m butt naked!” then jumped out of the tub and ran out of the bathroom as fast as his little legs could take him. Jeff ran into the living room, grabbed his clothes and pellet gun then ran out onto the countryside. He never returned to the house of the three rednecks ever again.

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Now I know it isn't shakespeare or anything, but it was ment to be cute. Let me know what you guys think. =D

valeca

It was cute, but I didn't really find it 'funny'. And there are a few things that need work, like:

'figured' doens't fit here, especially coupled with 'thought' a few words later. He was either bored or he wasn't.

I didn't really like the tub bit. It feels like you struggled to come up with that third thing for Jeff to do. Having three tubs just didn't work.

Keep writing and good luck.

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ProudestMonkey

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