Ocean Soul ^_^ - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Azmakna · 07-05-2007, 06:15 PM

just a quick observatio. the first part looks a hell of a lot tighter. GREAT! sometimes i get confused with all these stories. have i gone through that before?

~Kouryuu~ · 07-05-2007, 06:18 PM

No you havent. This was the first thing I ever posted on here. Thanks.

Azmakna · 07-05-2007, 06:22 PM

perhaps you are trying too hard with some of the other stuff then

~Kouryuu~ · 07-05-2007, 06:26 PM

Nah, just the same. i've only posted 3 stories on here. This one (my latest), An Egyptian Romance (historical romance/thriller) and Gathering of Darkness (fantasy/early teens story) ...

Dunno... Lol

Azmakna · 07-05-2007, 06:48 PM

that is the weirdest thing ever!! lol. i'll have to have a quick breeze through this when i can

~Kouryuu~ · 07-05-2007, 06:54 PM

Lol! Okay. I've gotta post some more up tomorrow.
Maybe cos I write in three different styles for three different novels. Dunno.

liv_ashe · 07-06-2007, 02:10 PM

not bad not bad, i usually dont read this kinda stuff but its not bad!! CONGRATS!

~Kouryuu~ · 07-06-2007, 05:43 PM

Thanks Liv. (lmao at your avatar!)

~Kouryuu~ · 07-06-2007, 07:31 PM

***

A boat had just laid anchor in the harbour on the west side of the island. A merchant clipper, with sails stained from the long night of rain, but it shone on the water like a diamond ring on a lady's finger.

There were twenty-six men aboard, but only one came ashore for the time being. He was a tall man, trim and in good shape, and he was wearing a thick woollen cloak that swept along the floor as he walked.

He moved silently and smoothly, almost as though his feet did not connect with the ground. And once he was standing on the quayside, he stood still, a fond but feint smile arching his lips, and carefully adjusted the patch over his right eye.

The man stared back across the harbour, the sun striking his face as he turned, and looked at the men assembled on the deck of the clipper. Despite the long jagged scar etched into his face, he was handsome, middle-aged, with dark wind-tamed hair that was rough and streaked in places with silver. He held himself well in the stance.

The captain saluted him, and the man countered him with a single nod.

And then he spun on the heels of his thick-soled boots, striding towards the town with the easy grace of a well-established hero.

Beside him, a sheathed sword softly tinkled.

***

Lieutenant Gray waited outside the commodore's office, leaning back against the wall with his head tilted onto his shoulder. He yawned sleepily, and rubbed his face. It wasn't every day one was to converse with pirates, although, secretly, he was thankful of that. Right now his nerves were a little jittery, because he was tired perhaps, or maybe it was due to the fact that he still could not entirely rid himself of the presence of those men.

For a moment, he let his eyes slide shut, and gently calmed his spirit. The coldness of the hours just before dawn had crept inside his clothes, sunk into his skin, and even now it seemed he could not shake the shivers.

'Lieutenant?'

He flinched, surprised at the company, and snapped open his eyes. He saw a clerk standing in the corridor with him, smart little gold rimmed spectacles perched on his nose. Embarrassed, Gray straightened himself and absently rubbed his face.

'My apologies, sir, for disturbing you.'

'No matter, Mister Hobb,' he said, blinking a little.

Letting people sneak up on him was beginning to become quite a habit.

The man nodded and bowed a little in acknowledgement. 'The commodore will see you now, sir,' he said. 'This way, if you please.'

Gray thanked him and nodded himself, and then slipped through the door that Hobb had opened for him.

Commodore Conway was at his desk, standing not sitting, a second clerk beside him, providing him with the correct papers when he asked for them. He looked up at Gray briefly, and then flicked his wrist to the other man, who put the papers onto the desk and left the room.

Gray concealed a yawn behind a hand.

'Not falling asleep on duty, I hope, Lieutenant,' Conway said, without lifting his eyes.

He flushed just a little, but said admittedly, 'My apologies, sir. I have had rather an early start this morning.'

Conway was a harsh looking man, with quick and clever eyes set in deep hollows of a severly chiselled face. His hair was brown, of a plain shade, same for his moustache, and trimmed neatly. His appearance, however, was deceptive, for he did not at all look tall until he stood beside a person of average build. He was older than the lieutenant, his senior of at least ten years, but he looked better for it, for Conway had probably been an unsightly gangly youth.

The commodore nodded, accepting Gray's explanation with a small smile. 'And how was our dear friend Mister Steele?'

'He ... wasn't what I expected, sir.'

'Oh?'

Gray shook his head. 'The stories - the things people say about him - it's not - they're not -' He stopped and exhaled, collecting himself. 'I was surprised, sir.'

Conway signed another document and put it into the pile with the rest, straightening his posture afterwards and looked up at him.

'I wouldn't be so easily fooled if I were you,' he said simply. 'Any man who sails under black colours is not to be trusted. A beast, no matter how lovely its fleece may be, can still bite. And a man without a home can be a very savage thing indeed.'

Gray nodded stiffly. 'Yes, sir.'

'Nevertheless, the man does provide superiour ammunition for the cannons of almost our entire fleet. I'm sure you are aware of that, of course. Consequently, it is a bond I'd rather like to maintain.'

'Yes, sir.'

'You did well on your mission today.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'But to hear your report wasn't why I called you here.'

Gray looked at the officer inquiringly. 'Sir?'

Conway moved around the room to a red furnished armchair and sat in it, gesturing the other to the lieutenant. Gray accepted it politely, but thankfully as he was still very tired. For a moment the man said nothing, merely sat there instead twisting the tip of one side of his dark moustache.

'I am going to marry your sister,' he said, after some time.

Gray nodded, already aware of the arrangement.

'I proposed to her several weeks ago and she has accepted my offer.'

'It is a good match, sir,' he said, with dutiful tones. 'Safirre will be most content.'

The man nodded, and then pushed himself out of the chair.

'Yes,' he said. 'And with that out of the way I wish to discuss the possibility of your new command.'

Gray was surprised, genuine in the look. 'My-my new command, sir?'

'Well, we are to be brothers soon enough, are we not? Do brothers not help one another out when the occasion calls for it?'

'Well, yes, sir, but -'

'Tobias, I think it wouldn't be entirely inappropriate for you to address me with a little less formality in situations such as these, don't you agree?'

Gray nodded, dumbstruck, and then jumped out of his own chair, sudden exhilaration distorting his mouth into an open smile. 'But, Quinn, are you serious? My own command?'

The man smiled also. 'Well, of course. Do you think you are ready for such a commitment?'

Gray wasn't sure. But it was something that he had only ever dreamed of. His own ship. His own crew. Nothing but the waves beneath his own feet.

'It will be only a small ship, you understand,' Conway said. 'I'm going to give you Torrent. She's a fairly good vessel with a seemly crew. You should do fine with her, I think, to start. She only carries twenty-four guns, but it will be a long time before I allow you to fire any of those.'

'But I haven't long since passed my exam for lieutenant,' Gray questioned.

The commodore slipped back behind the desk. 'Well, if you think you are unfit for the charge, I can assign you to something else on shore.'

'No!' Gray blushed, ashamed of his outburst. 'No, sir. Thank you, sir. I'll do my best, as always, sir.'

'Good to hear it.' Conway sat down into the chair and rested his hands on the table, linking together flamboyantly. 'It is merely conjecture at this present stage, however,' he said.

'Conjecture?'

'I can hardly just give you a ship without warranty, can I? Even to a revered viscount like you. I must tell the admiralty something, don't you agree?'

To be honest, Gray hadn't even thought about it, but he agreed anyway.

'It just so happens that I have just the task that will accredit you.'

'Sir?'

The commodore paused for a moment, eyeing him carefully, for what reason Gray wasn't sure, but the stare wasn't anywhere near as unnerving as the harsh eyes he had fallen under earlier, so he did not allow himself to baulk at it.

'You are aware of the crimes committed by Captain Kiefer Shield, I believe?'

Lieutenant Gray betrayed himself and started back, swallowing hard, a sickness rising fast in his stomach and encouraged a sweat to prick its way through his skin. He dropped his eyes.

'Sir, I am not to be involved in the issues of that case due to my relationship with -'

'Tobias,' Conway said, stopping his edgy explanation mid sentence, and leaned forward in his chair. 'It is because of that relationship that I need you most of all.'

'I won't do anything to hurt -'

Conway cut him short again. 'I wouldn't ask you to,' he said. 'Now, can we talk rationally?'

Tobias Gray hesitated, but then he nodded slowly.

'What - what is it you want me to do?'

***

Azmakna · 07-06-2007, 08:19 PM

Quote:

A boat had just laid anchor in the harbour on the west side of the island. A merchant clipper, with sails stained from the long night of rain, but it shone on the water like a diamond ring on a lady's finger.

perhaps 'soaked' stained suggests colour. not entirely convinced by this metaphor. as soon as you write 'ladies finger' it throws th eimage off for me, because i see a finger and not the ocean.

There were twenty-six men aboard, but only one came ashore for the time being. He was a tall man, trim and in good shape, and he was wearing a thick woollen cloak that swept along the floor as he walked.

He moved silently and smoothly, almost as though his feet did not connect with the ground. And once he was standing on the quayside, he stood still, a fond but feint smile arching his lips, and carefully adjusted the patch over his right eye.

lose this. use endashes to seperate this subclause. endash once removed/brackets twice removed/square brackets almost entirely removed. see it as stepping back from the piece and inserting information that is not meant to flow straight across, but rather in and out. hope that makes sense.

The man stared back across the harbour, the sun striking his face as he turned, and looked at the men assembled on the deck of the clipper. Despite the long jagged scar etched into his face, he was handsome, middle-aged, with dark wind-tamed hair that was rough and streaked in places with silver. He held himself well in the stance.

i would lose this.

The captain saluted him, and the man countered him with a single nod.

And then he spun on the heels of his thick-soled boots, striding towards the town with the easy grace of a well-established hero.

does this really add anything or does it just create a pause in the flow?

Beside him, a sheathed sword softly tinkled.

a bell tinkles. think of some other word.
***

Lieutenant Gray waited outside the commodore's office, leaning back against the wall with his head tilted onto his shoulder. He yawned sleepily, and rubbed his face. It wasn't every day one was to converse with pirates, although, secretly, he was thankful of that. Right now his nerves were a little jittery, because he was tired perhaps, or maybe it was due to the fact that he still could not entirely rid himself of the presence of those men.

For a moment, he let his eyes slide shut, and gently calmed his spirit. The coldness of the hours just before dawn had crept inside his clothes, sunk into his skin, and even now it seemed he could not shake the shivers.

'Lieutenant?'

He flinched, surprised at the company, and snapped open his eyes. He saw a clerk standing in the corridor with him, smart little gold rimmed spectacles perched on his nose. Embarrassed, Gray straightened himself and absently rubbed his face.

lose this. place this after the verb phrase.

'My apologies, sir, for disturbing you.'

'No matter, Mister Hobb,' he said, blinking a little.

Letting people sneak up on him was beginning to become quite a habit.

The man nodded and bowed a little in acknowledgement. 'The commodore will see you now, sir,' he said. 'This way, if you please.'

Gray thanked him and nodded himself, and then slipped through the door that Hobb had opened for him.

Commodore Conway was at his desk, standing not sitting, a second clerk beside him, providing him with the correct papers when he asked for them. He looked up at Gray briefly, and then flicked his wrist to the other man, who put the papers onto the desk and left the room.

Gray concealed a yawn behind a hand.

'Not falling asleep on duty, I hope, Lieutenant,' Conway said, without lifting his eyes.

just a little critique. hope that helps. it's a nice scene, but you know i like more meat than this so i won't mention that... er... wooooops i just did lol

Azmakna · 07-06-2007, 08:19 PM

Quote:

A boat had just laid anchor in the harbour on the west side of the island. A merchant clipper, with sails stained from the long night of rain, but it shone on the water like a diamond ring on a lady's finger.

perhaps 'soaked' stained suggests colour. not entirely convinced by this metaphor. as soon as you write 'ladies finger' it throws th eimage off for me, because i see a finger and not the ocean.

There were twenty-six men aboard, but only one came ashore for the time being. He was a tall man, trim and in good shape, and he was wearing a thick woollen cloak that swept along the floor as he walked.

He moved silently and smoothly, almost as though his feet did not connect with the ground. And once he was standing on the quayside, he stood still, a fond but feint smile arching his lips, and carefully adjusted the patch over his right eye.

lose this. use endashes to seperate this subclause. endash once removed/brackets twice removed/square brackets almost entirely removed. see it as stepping back from the piece and inserting information that is not meant to flow straight across, but rather in and out. hope that makes sense.

The man stared back across the harbour, the sun striking his face as he turned, and looked at the men assembled on the deck of the clipper. Despite the long jagged scar etched into his face, he was handsome, middle-aged, with dark wind-tamed hair that was rough and streaked in places with silver. He held himself well in the stance.

i would lose this.

The captain saluted him, and the man countered him with a single nod.

And then he spun on the heels of his thick-soled boots, striding towards the town with the easy grace of a well-established hero.

does this really add anything or does it just create a pause in the flow?

Beside him, a sheathed sword softly tinkled.

a bell tinkles. think of some other word.
***

Lieutenant Gray waited outside the commodore's office, leaning back against the wall with his head tilted onto his shoulder. He yawned sleepily, and rubbed his face. It wasn't every day one was to converse with pirates, although, secretly, he was thankful of that. Right now his nerves were a little jittery, because he was tired perhaps, or maybe it was due to the fact that he still could not entirely rid himself of the presence of those men.

For a moment, he let his eyes slide shut, and gently calmed his spirit. The coldness of the hours just before dawn had crept inside his clothes, sunk into his skin, and even now it seemed he could not shake the shivers.

'Lieutenant?'

He flinched, surprised at the company, and snapped open his eyes. He saw a clerk standing in the corridor with him, smart little gold rimmed spectacles perched on his nose. Embarrassed, Gray straightened himself and absently rubbed his face.

lose this. place this after the verb phrase.

'My apologies, sir, for disturbing you.'

'No matter, Mister Hobb,' he said, blinking a little.

Letting people sneak up on him was beginning to become quite a habit.

The man nodded and bowed a little in acknowledgement. 'The commodore will see you now, sir,' he said. 'This way, if you please.'

Gray thanked him and nodded himself, and then slipped through the door that Hobb had opened for him.

Commodore Conway was at his desk, standing not sitting, a second clerk beside him, providing him with the correct papers when he asked for them. He looked up at Gray briefly, and then flicked his wrist to the other man, who put the papers onto the desk and left the room.

Gray concealed a yawn behind a hand.

'Not falling asleep on duty, I hope, Lieutenant,' Conway said, without lifting his eyes.

just a little critique. hope that helps. it's a nice scene, but you know i like more meat than this so i won't mention that... er... whooooops i just did lol

~Kouryuu~ · 07-06-2007, 08:29 PM

Quote:

A boat had just laid anchor in the harbour on the west side of the island. A merchant clipper, with sails stained from the long night of rain, but it shone on the water like a diamond ring on a lady's finger.

perhaps 'soaked' stained suggests colour. not entirely convinced by this metaphor. as soon as you write 'ladies finger' it throws th eimage off for me, because i see a finger and not the ocean.

Stained is supposed to suggest colour. Sails are not white!
I just imagined how beautiful a tall ship looked atop a sparkling ocean and that's what popped up for me.

Thanks for the critique!

As for meat... it's coming. Novel's are paced.

Azmakna · 07-06-2007, 08:35 PM

lol... okay i'll keep reading

~Kouryuu~ · 07-06-2007, 08:47 PM

Lol! xD Sure, okay!

Griff · 07-07-2007, 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Kouryuu~

He tripped and banged his knee on the stone. He felt the flesh split open and the warmth of blood. Don’t stop. Can’t stop. Groping the walls, Kiefer pulled himself to his feet. He cut his hand. He swore, but did not stop to rip the obsidian slither (sliver?) from the gash. He was running again. Fast. Strained.

That's the only thing I noticed. Would love to see more.