Magus Visum - Writers Forum

Aleatz · 06-02-2007, 11:53 PM

*Goes straight to the point* Here's the current story I'm working on. Please critique if you have the time. I love improving my work, it means a lot to me

So far I have the Intro and Chapter One Part One. Hopefully I'll add more to this when I have more time XD

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2362450/1/

Introduction- Part 1

It was around eight years ago when Uncle Ruy first visited our castle. He wasn’t really a blood relation at all, and yet our mother demanded that we refer to him as an uncle. From what I gathered, both of them used to be childhood friends, and… Perhaps it is for the best that I don’t know all the details. He was tall and slender, possessing short, light, blue hair and often looking far more menacing then he actually was. The armour he wore was padded leather, which was so light that he never saw the need to take it off. With him he brought his pegasus, Alpha; a pure white breed. We’d seen one before, but he asked us whether we’d ever ridden one before. With our heads shaking he lifted each one of us on to Alpha’s back.

“Now, you be careful on him Derek,” Uncle Ruy insisted. “Don’t want you falling off. Who knows what your mother would do to me then!”

Of course, the first time we were on Alpha he was smart enough to keep us on the ground. Basically we may as well have ridden a horse. Both Derek and I whined about it, and after much of that Ruy told us that when we were a bit older he would consider letting us have a solo flight. Now I look back on it I can’t blame Uncle Ruy for being a bit careful with us. Mother was, at the very least, the most protective woman I’ve ever come across.

“You let them ride that thing?!” she yelled forcefully at the table that night. As a torrent of anger flew out from her mouth her usual calm presence was shattered, leaving behind a tyrant clouded with silky golden hair and usually sweet, light eyes distorted.

Derek looked over from the other side and we both cowered in our seats. I didn’t even want to finish my brew. I just wanted to leave and avoid Mother’s roar, which Uncle Ruy would end up receiving the full brunt of.

“Lisbeth, they are not that young. Besides, I was careful not to let Alpha take off.”

Mother kept insisting that Alpha was dangerous and didn’t weaken to any of Uncle Ruy’s excuses. Father just sat there; head of the table, with a strange sort of wisdom in his silence; dark brown hair flipping down as he took another sip of his tea. It was smart not to say a word during an argument with our mother.

“Mum, it’s alright,” Derek insisted. “Nothing happened. We’re fine.”

I was tempted to support Uncle Ruy up also, but one glimpse into my mother’s eyes told me that I would seriously regret it.

“You are fine, but what if it got startled? What if it took off by accident and you fell off?”

Silence came, and we decided that we couldn’t win. Father, in his good judgment asked “So… you work for the military Ruy?”

Uncle Ruy let out a laugh “The military? No, of course not. I work as a mercenary. Much better pay.”

I wondered if father was insulted by this. He had worked for the military for most of his life and had been made a lord because of his services. He did not govern much land (only the forest which surrounded our castle and a small village which stood by it), but the king made sure that when he retired he was rewarded for the victories he had given the kingdom.

“Perhaps it pays better in the short term I guess,” father scoffed. Uncle Ruy looked at him distastefully. “But then I suppose the military wouldn’t pay highly for pegasus knights anyway.”

“No, I believe you’ll find it is the mages who are getting underpaid,” Uncle Ruy shot back. “Hundei’s forces are experiencing a rise in shaman numbers; a poor error on their part. Employing mages to fight against them is foolish tactics. Soldiers who are fast enough to avoid the spells and can discharge swift physical force upon them are preferred. Therefore…” Uncle Ruy took a mouthful of his brew before continuing, “I believe it is us pegasus knights who would receive higher pay. You clearly need to update your knowledge of current military dealings Bryce.”

“My knowledge is fine.”

“Bryce… please,” Mother begged.

“Oh, of course… You prattle and terrorise him for letting the boys ride a silly horse, yet when he insults your husband…”

“He wasn’t insulting you Bryce,” she defended.

“I suppose you’re right,” Father drifted off, before… “No one required for anything physical nowadays requires a brain. I was expecting too much for you to have formulated an insult.”

“Ha. And I’m insulting,” Ruy sneered.

The tension in the air was smothering. This was the first time Derek or I had ever met Uncle Ruy, but we knew now that he and Father did not see eye to eye. Even so, we never usually saw Father behave this way with anyone, despite whether or not the person had the same views as him. What had caused this cold and childish hatred to arise?

“Uncle Ruy?”

His eyes rebounded off Father’s and look straight into mine.

“Where did you get Alpha from?”

The warmth returned, the candles grew stronger and the small dining hall felt the conflict hush. Ruy smiled down on me as he answered.

“An old man who lives to the north. He breeds them on his land with his two children and their families. He told me that Alpha was actually wild, and his son captured him in the forest. Apparently, training him had been somewhat difficult…”

Mother looked bitter as she bit her tongue. You could see her saying inside her head ‘But still he let them ride that thing?’

“But they managed to do it eventually. Even the male conditioning worked in the end. The old man was somewhat proud of his results.” Uncle Ruy smirked. “He probably should have charged me more than he did, but I suppose he was happy to get anything for it.”

“It must be fun, being a pegasus knight,” Derek commented casually.

“You think that?” Uncle Ruy let out a boisterous laugh. “I suppose that’s understandable, considering you haven’t really ridden one yet.”

“But when I get older I will,” Derek said, assuring himself.

“How old are you Derek?” Uncle Ruy inquired.

“Ten.”

“Well… I was a year your younger when I first rode a pegasus,” Ruy stated. “Ten seems like a sound age to start to learn, doesn’t it?”

“Really? You mean that?” Derek beamed, excitement flowing from his voice.

“Ruy.” Mother’s eyes pierced into Ruy’s; a threatening glare was all it took for Ruy to realise he was treading in dangerous territory. “I will not have these two learning how to fly one of those… beasts…” she hissed, focused and enraged.

“Come now, Lisbeth, Alpha’s no beast,” Ruy replied in a relaxed manner. “It is no different to riding a horse…”

Mother’s glare remained.

“…Listen. How about I tie down Alpha’s wings while he’s on him?”

”But Uncle Ruy!” Derek cut in.

“And when he gets more experience…” Uncle Ruy continued, “We will see how he does with flight. Sound good Lisbeth?” Mother hung her head and tried to see a way she could both get her own way and not disappoint her son. There was none.

“Trust me.”

Mother nodded reluctantly, and Derek’s smile widened. Father just sat there, silently; tempted to intervene. But he knew he’d already caused enough problems for one night, and none of them needed anymore stress.

“And how about you Ancas?” I looked up and pulled out of my slump. “You’re nine, aren’t you?”

“Eight,” I corrected.

“Eight,” Uncle Ruy repeated, “So then, when you’re nine or ten you’ll want to learn also?”

I glanced over to Father, who had anger written over his face. I knew saying yes would not help in calming him. And yet, I did not want to lie and say no either.

“I’m not sure,” I said hesitantly. I expected some sort of dissatisfied look from Uncle Ruy, but instead I received a kindly grin.

“That is fine. You’re still young. It may take some time before you decided on what to do in life.”

For a few seconds the table remained quiet. Derek was still content with the thoughts of learning how to ride a pegasus and both Mother and Father sat uneasily in their seats, trying not to seem displeased.

“Well, it’s late,” Uncle Ruy said, breaking the silence. “And the bed, she calls me...” A mischievous smile was printed on his face. He stood from the table and walked around to Mother, giving her a small kiss on the cheek; Father bit his tongue. Ruy left the dining hall and Mother soon demanded us follow suit. Derek left and wandered through the candle-lit hallway, soon gone from sight like Uncle Ruy. I cursed my curiosity, as I hung behind the large entrance door, out of my parent’s sight.

“The nerve…” Father muttered bitterly. “I should have hexed the fool. I was in the right mind to, I assure you.”

“He’s a friend, Bryce,” Mother whispered softly.

“He’s more than a friend. Don’t be so detached as if you can’t see his feelings towards you Lisbeth.” Mother had nothing to say. All she could do was take another sip of tea and hope Father’s anger would subside. “He still loves you. If it’s so blatantly obvious to me it must be obvious to you too.”

She shrugged, pushing the light hair back from her eyes. “I invited him here, Bryce, as a friend and I intend to treat him as such, despite however he may treat me. If you see a problem with him, deal with it yourself. I am not going to steer him away because of some juvenile feud you two seem to have with each other.”

“It’s just…” Father sighed. “The nonsense he’s filling the boy’s heads with… I’m worried that they may get influenced by it.”

She let out a laugh, something which hadn’t happened all night. “You worry too much…” She rose from her seat and walked over till she was behind Father. She placed her arms around his neck and sighed. “They’re just children. Ruy won’t be the heavy influence you think he’ll be.”

“I suppose you’re right, as usual…” He turned his head and gave her a small peck on the cheek.

I soon realised they were about to leave and quickly dashed down the hallway, trying to land my footsteps softly. I clutched the cold banister as I made my way up the stone steps, getting ever closer to my room. The gentle candle-light guided me down the passage and through the ancient archways which towered above me. Soon I was standing within my room; the moonlight glistening through the balcony and adding a sense of enchantment to the usually bland walls. Before tossing myself into bed I walked over onto the balcony and stared out at the old forest bordering our castle.

I still remember that night, and the beauty of it all. The moon bending over the sky and lighting all which lay under it. The white glow was mesmerising, and I stood there for minutes just staring blankly at it. The wind thrust the leaves into a spin, making the trees appear to be dancing under a light-filled spell. Slowly, a dark cloud wandered over the moon, coaxing its light and destroying the haunting atmosphere. I sighed and returned to my bed, where I should have been. My dreams that night were filled with the wonder I’d seen; dancing trees under an enchanted moon. I only wish the next day could have been the same.

Aleatz · 06-02-2007, 11:58 PM

Part 2

The icy crystals began to melt on the grass, leaving fresh morning dew. I sat on the grassy field; book in hand, occasionally glancing at Derek’s first real attempts at riding Alpha. He looked somewhat ridiculous, as he was wearing Uncle Ruy’s leather armour which was way too big for him. Without armour, Uncle Ruy looked even lankier than before, but still had a strong presence to him.

Just as he had promised, Uncle Ruy had tied back Alpha’s wings. The large white wings were now pressed firmly against Alpha’s sides, held only by a few lengths of rope. You could tell just from Alpha’s stance that he was irritated. He was constantly tearing the soil up from where he stood.

While Uncle Ruy was giving directions I heard sodden footsteps approach me from behind. Father sat down next to me, obviously trying to get a good view of Ruy and Derek. I glanced back down and suddenly remembered that the book I was holding was actually his, and I’d ‘borrowed’ it from his study without permission. Thankfully he seemed too interested in Derek to be concerned as to what I was reading.

“You have to approach him carefully,” Uncle Ruy said firmly, his eyes looking into Derek’s. “You don’t want to go too fast or you’ll startle him.” Derek nodded. “He isn’t much different from a horse. He will panic if he hears loud noises or if you aren’t gentle with him...” Ruy continued to prattle on the safety fundamentals to Derek, making sure he was going through every detail before Derek took to the saddle. Realising this would take a while I returned to the book and tried to find my place on the page.

“Is that one of my books?” I looked up suddenly to see Father’s eyes looking over my arm.

“No sir.” I responded abruptly as I pushed the book under my robe.

“Then why did you hide it?” Damn. I was undone by his simple logic yet again. “You are a terrible liar,” he laughed, pulling my robe open and pulling out the book from my arm’s grip. He eyed the book, reading the title and then opening it to where my place had been kept by an old strap of leather. “‘Basics in Anima Sorcery… Chapter Five: Development from Tomes to Staves’… You were reading this?”

There was no more humour in his eyes, and I began to worry. Constantly both Derek and I had been told not to touch anything of Father’s, as most of the things he owned were either dangerous or fragile. The book looked like it was both, as it was an old book which contained some hazardous content. ‘Magic isn’t something you should take lightly… at times it can be stronger than the sword.’ Something else Father never stopped reminding us.

Father was no longer waiting for a response to his question, since the answer was obvious and I clearly was too afraid to speak. The silence was beginning to sting and I had started imagining the possible consequences. Most of them contained some form of yelling which slowly transformed into a lecture.

“I’m… sorry…” I muttered. He looked down at me as I looked to the ground for some comfort, bracing myself for the ‘yelling lecture'. “I went in and you weren’t there and no one knew where you were-”

“And you understand this?”

I looked up in confusion. “Understand what?”

“This book. You know what it’s talking about?”

I nodded and he looked back into the book with his eyes swarming over the pages I’d been reading. Without knowing why, I realised I had gotten out of the ‘yelling lecture’, and like most children I didn’t really care why I’d gotten out of it. I was too relieved to care.

“It explains how they transferred tomes to staves, but I still don’t know why they’d want to…”

“Well, you know how magic first started?”

“Incantations?” I guessed.

“Aye, incantations. People would say magical incantations in order for a spell to be cast. The method didn’t require anything other than human speech and the spell, but soon it was seen as impractical as many of the incantations were long, wordy and simply took too long to cast. That is why tomes were seen as an inferior way of casting magic …” He brought the book down to my level and turned back a few pages. On the new page was a picture of a tome; a large book with a detailed painting of the spell on the front. He then turned forward a few pages to where the leather strap hung out. A picture of a staff dominated the center of the page.

“Myer Millin was an old priest who was also a staff maker. He developed staves for healing purposes, but soon began to acquire an interest in light magic. Staves are light, you see. They’re generally only made of weightless timber with a moderate-sized crystal on the top. Millin was an old man, and when he began exploring light magic he found it hard to carry a large tome full of incantations at the same time as his staff. That is why he started developing a staff which could both heal and use light magic.

“Other people had already begun developing an ‘anima staff’ without success, but Millin researched further back than most, and found that some primitive types of magic were conjured in conjunction with tattoos of ancient symbols on the body. He then carved some of these symbols he found onto his staves and experimented with them. Because the primitive types of magic had also relied on movement in order to trigger the spells, he too used different movements in order to activate the staves.”

“So why did people use tomes in the first place then?” I asked.

Father smiled and sighed. “I am not sure why. The first anima magic was practiced by natives of the land whom probably had a better understanding of it. We new arrivals probably relied on prayers as a part of the incantations to begin with. Most of the incantations in those old tomes have some link to our theology. We were the first to develop ‘light’ and ‘dark’; always seen as religious vessels, whilst the natives had ‘anima’, the magic which harnesses the elements of nature. We probably saw their magic, desired it, and decided to harness it using our methods.” Even though I know it now, it was obvious then by Father’s words that he wasn’t a religious man.

“Why not just use light and dark?” I asked. “The book says that ‘dark magic produces higher energy levels than anima’.”

“It does, but the tomes were far heavier as the incantations were longer. While light magic is the complete opposite; light, yet weak. Even now the movements used in conjuring with staves are the same. Dark magic requires a fair bit of movement as well as heavier crystals and timber. Anima magic is a balance between the two. It combines power and ease and thus becomes more practical. Understand?”

Before I could nod a large crack sounded as Derek’s (which was actually Ruy’s) lance snapped against an oncoming tree. Uncle Ruy cursed, then shouted “No, no, no! Keep it straight boy! Keep it straight!” whilst pulling the broken lance from his hands.

“Sorry sir,” Derek mumbled, pulling Alpha’s reins back and steering him to a halt. Uncle Ruy looked frustrated, but tried to maintain his composure. He took a deep breath while stroking his hand through his light blue hair and brushing it off his face. Father just laughed at the sight. Ruy’s inability to teach seemed to be the only thing Father could laugh at.

“Your poor brother…” he said while placing the book down. “I suppose you’ll want to become a pegasus knight too?”

A pegasus knight. It sounded intriguing; the thought of flight and battles which were yet to come. But then that was all there was to it. The lance and the beast. There was no mystery or fascination with it, but it did look enjoyable. “I wouldn’t mind learning how to ride…” I said, drifting off into thought. Then I glanced back at the book. Anima… It isn’t just a lance. It is nature in its most powerful form. And there is mystery and insight behind it. A lance has no hidden secret; no alluring presence. It is simply what it is and nothing more.

That was when the thought came to my mind, and I wondered why I had never thought of it before.

“Are there pegasus knights who use magic?” I asked. Father looked surprised and almost jumped out of his serene skin.

“It is… unheard of…” I fell silent. But it wasn’t a silence brewed from disappointment or anxiety. It was silence from thought.

“Maybe I was too brash in giving you the lance…” Ruy said, staring off before turning to Derek with a smile. “Weapons are the least of our concerns. We should be developing your riding skills-”

“I have ridden a horse before Uncle Ruy. I know how to ride,” Derek stated, pulling the reins back to move Alpha away from the damaged tree. He sure sounded full of himself, and I was pretty sure Ruy was thinking that too.

“Really? You know how to ride?”

“You said it yourself Uncle; he is just like a horse.” The look on Ruy’s face showed he was regretting those words.

“Very well. Ride off then.”

Father had been watching the scene too, and knew that intervention here was necessary. “Derek stop!” he called out. “Now listen Ruy… Don’t be so quick to dismiss him. Just because he thinks he knows how doesn’t mean he does.”

“Aye, I know that,” Ruy replied calmly. Derek had already steered Alpha off and was leading him further away. The whole clearing looked surprisingly larger when you were at the base of the hill rather than the castle. The forest surrounding the field was too dense to ride through, and Derek had ridden horses in the field before. Ruy obviously saw no problem. “If Derek thinks he can ride then you just let him do what he thinks until he is proven wrong.”

“’Proven wrong’ often ends with him making a severe mistake,” Father shot back before calling to Derek again. “Derek! I don’t want you going any further! Come back now!” Derek ignored him, and tapped Alpha with his leg to get him moving. Alpha started to run.

“Well look at that… The boy can ride!” Ruy laughed with a grin. Father had the same expression on his face as the one he wore last night when Ruy had kissed Mother. Smoldering fury lit his eyes, both of which were glaring at Ruy. Derek had sped up and Alpha’s run had turned into a rapid dash, heading directly for the woods.

“DEREK!” he roared. But Derek was too far away to hear.

That’s when I noticed it… The loosely tightened ropes were dropping and Alpha’s wings were extending. Alpha drifted inches of the grassy soil, and Derek soon noticed as he heard the wings flap on either side of him. Ruy just stood there; his eyes almost as wide as his open mouth. The dense forest before Alpha was no longer an obstacle which proved invincible, since as he moved ever closer to it he also gained more air under his wings.

Derek’s eyes had turned from shock into amazement. He let out a cheer as Alpha’s feet brushed along the tree tops under him. Ruy was no longer stunned, but pleased, with a growing smile crossing his face. “Good work boy!’ he called out as Derek managed to somehow steer Alpha around in mid-air.

“Good work?! Derek, land that thing now!” Father had never been gladder that Lisbeth wasn’t there to see the sight. Her son was now soaring high above the clearing bellow. Alpha crossed the clearing and circled the forest on the other side, filled with luscious pine and oaks. He glided several yards, lowering himself only slightly above the trees. Derek took this as a signal for him to land, but became distressed as he realised he was setting down within dense forest. Somehow Alpha missed all of trees. Unfortunately Derek didn’t.

A high horizontal branch smacked him in the stomach, knocking the wind from him and jerking him from the saddle. He had no time to react or grip onto anything. Before he knew it he had fallen to the forest floor and had dropped onto the soft foliage upon it. He felt pain throb through his right arm which had broken much of his fall. Alpha, however, was now thrashing the loose saddle from his back and acting uncontrollable. Derek clutched his broken arm with his left hand, and moved slowly towards the fierce Alpha, trying hard not to startle him.

“Derek? Where are you boy? Are you alright?”

Uncle Ruy’s voice hovered over the thick trees to where Derek stood, watching the tangled beast. He wanted to respond, but knew any noise would make Alpha even more disorderly. Easy now, he thought, approaching Alpha from behind slowly. He raised his left hand in an attempt to pull the mangled saddle from Alpha, who was being cut into by its buckle. Alpha jolted around abruptly, pulling Derek’s hand and the saddle with his jerk. The jerk was enough to throw Derek off balance, and soon he found himself again on the forest floor, only this time with an enraged Alpha dauntingly close.

Behind the herd of trees Uncle Ruy appeared, clutching another lance. Alpha bucked wildly only feet from Derek’s head and Derek pushed himself further away with his unharmed arm. Ruy approached Alpha swiftly, but the pegasus had already noticed the lance. A huge screech of a nay came from Alpha as he broke into a gallop, running past Ruy at an enormous speed. Ruy ducked and rolled, only just making it out of the way in time for Alpha to run through the narrow pathway within the trees. As soon as Alpha disappeared from his sight, Ruy ran to Derek and helped him onto his feet.

“Aren’t you going to stop him?” Derek asked, trying to hide the pain from his face.

“You’re more important at the moment boy.” Ruy smiled down at him.

Meanwhile, Alpha had dashed through the thick forest, his body breaking against heavy trees in his rage. Blood had stained his white pelt, but he ignored the wounds and continued to thrust forward. Father had moved to the edge of the clearing, peering into the forest to find signs of Derek and Ruy. His usual calm air was clouded with worry, as he didn’t know if Derek had landed well in such a crowded forest.

I’d left the book then, peering from the distance just like Father, trying to see any signs of movement. Suddenly the trees began to rustle and the sound of heavy hooves sounded through the clearing… Growing louder…

Father did something sudden. He pulled his right sleeve up, revealing a tightly wrapped, gold bracelet. It was made of many parts, with strings of fine chain linked in a crossing pattern. He then swished his arm backwards, holding up his sleeve as he did so. The bracelet radiated an intense light, and as the glow receded a long staff was formed in its place. The staff was big in comparison; Father was somewhat small in build. And yet somehow he managed to lift the dark wooden rod high into the air. As he brought it down in an almost throwing action, a huge blast of lightning blazed from its amethyst crystal.

The clearing was lit with the magic’s crackling beam. I squinted my eyes, but reopened them seconds later to see a large mass of trees fried to the ground and an enraged Alpha running through them. The lightning had done little. Even the trees had caused more damage to the wrath-filled beast. Alpha was moving faster now without the trees, and Father, much like Ruy, had to fling himself madly just to get out of the way. As Alpha’s hooves crunched into the soil ever closer to my position Father stood and prepared to throw another blast.

Aleatz · 06-03-2007, 12:05 AM

“Ancas! Move!” But his shouts were almost synchronised with his casting. He had already swung his arm to launch the spell by the time my legs decided to move. Alpha was only several yards in front of me when the beam of hot lightning struck him. The light was so intense that I couldn’t see what it had hit, but the roaring noise of collision told me Alpha was hit. And yet the light grew. The muffled noise of the spell surrounded me, along with an anguished cry from Alpha. The heat became more forceful and the light had become so intense that everything had turned scorching white. The ringing stuck in my ears for a few seconds…

Then darkness came, as well as silence…

Chapter 1- Part 1

Emera Saxby had always felt cursed, yet she did not know why. ‘God bestows bad fortune upon the evilest of men’ was a phrase only the church seemed to believe, and with good reason. The small figured, dark skinned and haired girl squinted around at her surroundings as the sandy wind blew onto her face. Here in the market place you saw people who lived honestly, while trading with those whom were also honest. Then you had those tricksters wandering through the virtuous, stealing from their stalls and pinching from their pockets. Even worse among those were the murderers and the treacherous, although you could not tell who they were. Constantly she questioned why her and other good people suffered, yet God did not smite these wrongdoers. Never was there a reply.

But now her life seemed more formidable. After she had been taken away from her family four years ago to be turned into a slave, she was hired by the most unlikely of buyers. Officer Grindal, a royal guard, had purchased her on behalf of the king. From there the stern yet kind-hearted officer had taken her to the castle. There she was met with unconcerned eyes of the other servants working within the castle, and every night found them ignoring her cries of sorrow. They had confused her pain with selfishness, and because of it none seemed to warm to her.

Yet Emera continued… washing the linen and clothes of the royals, scrubbing the floors of their eighty rooms and cooking the meals in the kitchens which would never be eaten. Her life felt empty and joyless, and all that kept her alive were the memories of her family and the joy she had once shared with them. She wondered about the possibility that if she had worked harder on the farm her family might not have been in debt. Then those which they had borrowed money from would not have taken her away to the slave markets.

Six months after her arrival at the castle, Officer Grindal, the same who had chosen her and thus saved her from the slave markets, came to the servant quarters. “His Majesty requires a word with you.” A combination of emotions struck her, as she thought of what possible reason the king would want to talk to her. The most dominating was fear, as she knew the wrong word, gesture or action in front of the king could mean death for a servant. Still, she went with him to the other end of the castle, with her hands trembling as she walked.

“You have nothing to fear, Emera,” he told her comfortingly. “The king has no reason to be angry with you. I’m certain anything he wishes to talk to you about is nothing grave.”

“Then you know why he has called me?” Grindal shook his head.

“He asked me to recommend a servant around your age who I felt was reliable, so I presume this meeting can only be positive. The king is not a friendly, warm man, but he isn’t as cruel as some may think.” He smiled in an attempt to lift her spirits and led her to a door. It was old and stained with polish, and the sound of his knocking rung through the hallway with a hollow boom. The boom sent a shock down Emera’s spine and rocked her delicate body. Her nerves accumulated.

“Enter.”

Grindal pulled the door back and entered, bowing after his first step. “Your Majesty, I have brought her as you’ve requested.” He then turned to face Emera. “Good luck.” He walked past her and stood next to the door.

“Come in, girl.”

Emera, by instinct, walked in and bowed just as Grindal had. Her nerves prevented her from speaking, as well as the thought that she shouldn’t speak till spoken to. Her hands quivered and she held them together to stop them. As she raised her head from her extremely long bow she saw the room as the colossal spectacle it was. The king, with his lengthy, light coloured hair and sharp features, was sitting behind a large oak desk in the same fashion as the door. On both sides of the desk stood two guards dressed in the same navy uniform as Grindal, their eyes looking straight as if into nothingness.

“Take a seat,” the king ushered, gesturing his hand towards the small chair five paces in front of his desk. She walked forward slowly and lowered herself into it and saw the king was still staring at his scrolls. He looked up and into her eyes, and she tried not to look afraid. Visibly her hands shook, and immediately she knew the king had noticed.

“Your name is…” he asked sternly. Emera swallowed and answered.

“Emera Saxby, Your Majesty.” She sounded more confident than she thought she would.

“Emera…” he trailed off. “Do you know my daughters?” She was jolted by the strange question.

“Daughters? I know of them, Your Majesty, but I do not know them formally.”

“Yes, well, my youngest is around your age. You’re twelve I’m presuming?” She was actually thirteen, but she nodded anyway. “You will be the new personal assistant to my youngest daughter. Do you have any objections?” The request was sudden and it shocked her, but she still tried not to show her nerves.

“No, Your Majesty.”

“Good. That is all.” The king returned to the scrolls on his desk, and Emera took it as her cue to leave. Grindal moved to the side and let her pass, closing the door behind her as she went. He escorted her down the hallway, and neither of them spoke a word for several moments. Once they’d reached the stairway leading to the servant’s quarters Emera had the drive to speak again.

“I’m to serve the princess…” she muttered to herself. Grindal, being right next to her, heard her words and listened intently. “I have never even spoken with her. Of all the servants, why was I chosen?”

“You’re the only servant who is close to the princess’s age. I think the king wanted someone for more… social reasons. Anyway, I think this will be good for you. Change is often a good thing,” the officer put in. “Especially when your current circumstances aren’t favourable.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Emera said, making her way down the stairs. “Thank you, sir.” Grindal smiled and dipped his head before walking off.

“Ten silver! The best money can buy, only for ten silver!”

Emera was woken from her day dream in the past. The warm summer winds had made her drowsy, and had created a dusty scene in front of her. The market place bustled nonetheless, and she soon realised that Melany was nowhere in sight. Melany’s bodyguard, Galeran, was over by a small stall, and had obviously not noticed her absence. She cursed softly and tried hard not to panic. She threw her basket over her shoulder and brashly walked up to Galeran.

“Where is the princess?” she snapped, pulling Galeran’s face inline with hers. Galeran’s large bald head was down at her level, and his beady eyes were somewhat startled. With any other person it wouldn’t have been acceptable for Emera to talk in such a manner, but since Galeran was a bit… well… ‘dense’ in the mannerisms of hierarchy, Emera often found herself talking bluntly to him in such a way.

“The princess?!”

“Yes. The princess. She’s not here.” Galeran, in his usual dim fashion, turned around abruptly, looking left, right, left again, back…

“She’s gone!” Emera wondered why she bothered opening her mouth sometimes. “PRINCESS!” he called with his booming voice. “PRINCESS, WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“Here.”

Emera and Galeran turned to face Melany, who smiled sweetly back at them. Emera was relieved and furious at the same time, but kept her cool. It was better sometimes to pretend that there wasn’t a problem to begin with.

Melany stood, her golden ringlet hair curling down from her ribbons, holding a large basket filled with cherry pink fabrics. The linen’s colour clashed with the dress she was wearing, which was pale brown and lined with gold thread and lace. Although she looked somewhat innocent, Emera could see past the charming face and honey-softened features. She knew Melany was really quite cunning.

“Please… please don’t do that again Your Highness…” Emera found herself stressing. “I was afraid we’d lost you.”

“Nonsense!” Melany smiled. “I was only gone for a few minutes. Besides, I found it…” Melany pulled the fabric out of the basket so Emera could look. “Ugh, I despise pink,” she spat as she recoiled and pushed it back into the basket. “Why did my sister have to change the colour?”

“Obviously she likes pink.”

Melany frowned and handed the basket to Emera. Emera took it reluctantly, and remembered the time when she had hated Melany. In truth she still disliked her attitude from time to time. Everything was handed to her, as if God had created a path for her, carefully laid, in the perilous woods of life. Emera had always had to journey alone; no help, no sympathy, and no birth-given right to be significant. But despite all that, Emera no longer disliked Melany as she when she first met her. She knew that although Melany was given everything on a silver platter, she was a person whom appreciated what she had and usually didn’t complain. Well, at least she didn’t now that she knew Emera.

Since their first meeting Emera had shown her frustration clearly to Melany, and Melany in return had changed significantly. She no longer threw tantrums like her elder sister, and was more responsible and mature. She had become somewhat selfless, to the point where she had even requested to her father to grant Emera her freedom. However, each time it was mentioned her father had turned down the request bluntly, saying that when Melany was old enough she could do as she pleased, but for now Emera was to stay. Emera had never been happier than when Melany had promised to grant her freedom on Melany’s seventeenth birthday. Emera had become even more light-hearted recently since she had turned sixteen.

“I truly hate her! Her and her infuriating wedding!” Emera could understand what Melany was upset about. Riona, Melany’s older sister, was about to be wed to a prince from the east. It was an arranged marriage (the royals always concentrated on the politics of marriage rather than the emotional side), and yet Riona had said it was ‘true love’. It was obvious why. He was attractive, dark and tall, and had enough charm to make even the most faithful wife crawl to his feet. Riona also looked the part of his wife, as she was also stunningly beautiful, with long golden hair and a silky, long figure. When they did wed, which would be in less than a week, Riona would be the next inline for queen, and her prince would be king.

But this was the annoying part. Riona and Melany were similar in many ways. They were both immature at times and rather short fused, but Melany had the ability to see that she wasn’t the only person in existence. Generally Riona felt she was more important than every living creature, and since the wedding was announced she had felt even more so inclined. The dresses and decorations had already been made and organised, but just at the last minute Riona had changed her mind.

“Blue? I didn’t ask for blue!” she had shouted as she’d entered the hall earlier that morning, staring blankly at the soft blue surrounding them.

“What do you mean? Of course you want blue! You asked for it!” Melany snapped back, right after giving a maid directions.

“No. I prefer pink. Pink is such a beautiful colour, don’t you agree?” Riona sighed with the thought. “Just imagine what my love will say when he sees me walking down the aisle in my spectacular pink dress and matching vale…”

“Before or after he falls ill?” Riona shot Melany a menacing glare.

“Very funny. I’d have you know that with comments like that you will always remain undesirable.” Riona stomped out of the hall in anger. “And get the material for the dresses from the markets today! I want them to have enough time to be made.”

Emera laughed at the memory. But she didn’t laugh at the thought of having Riona as a queen. The kingdom will be covered with pink lace, she thought. What a nightmare.

“Oh well,” Melany sighed, “I suppose it must be worse for the poor women who have to remake these dresses.” Emera nodded with agreement. “When I have my wedding, it’s going to be traditional. White and nothing else. No last minute changes.”

“What makes you think you’ll be married?” Emera asked with a smile. Melany raised an eyebrow.

“Even if I don’t find someone…” she said, “…I’m certain Mother will.” The two of them laughed, and Galeran too, once the message had gotten through.

Emera stared down at the basket of fabrics bitterly, trying not to think of the women who would have to rush in making new dresses before the wedding. As she looked up she saw a sudden black blur moving towards her before she was pushed to the ground. The once crowded market lane now had civilians standing on the sides to clear the way. Emera was the only one who had stupidly stayed in the middle of the lane. She was now on the ground and covered in dirt and slight mud. The basket of expensive pink fabric had fallen out of her hands as she’d fallen, and the fabric was now scattered over the dusty market place.

“Oh no…” was all Emera found herself saying as Melany kindly pulled her up. Melany was about to brush the mud off her, but Emera was eager to retrieve the fabric. “I’m sorry Melany…”

“Don’t worry. It was that cloaked idiot’s fault,” she said comfortingly, picking up some of the nearby fabrics. “Good thing he ran away so fast, or otherwise he’d have me to answer to.” Emera smiled weakly and glanced back to the filth-covered fabric. “Dammit, there’s another one of the creeps now!”

Emera looked up again. Another cloaked young man was running down the lane at full pelt. He was hood was off, showing his mangled dark hair flapping as he went. Emera was not so foolish this time, and ran to the side where everyone else was standing. Melany, however, had a face flowing with fury as she walked swiftly to the side, grabbing a long cane from the nearby stall. Without warning she flung it down and lunged forward, pushing the cane out a few inches above the laneway ground.

Aleatz · 06-03-2007, 12:06 AM

The young man took no notice and tripped with his face hitting the mud in a splatter. The crowd laughed with amusement, and Melany pulled the cane up with a smile. “Next time…” she said, the smirk still standing, “I suggest you watch where you’re going shrimp, unless you want to end up with more than a face full of mud.”

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me a shrimp, ma’am,” were his only words before dashing off through the market place.

“Ma’am?!” Emera and Galeran backed away in terror. “Who does he think he is, calling me ‘ma’am’?!”

“Maybe he didn’t know who he was addressing…” Emera put in, trying not to get caught in Melany’s rage.

“Oh, and that would be such a fortunate excuse…” Melany muttered furiously. “You wait here for me.”

“Wait!” Melany had already raced off after him, leaving Emera and Galeran standing dumbfounded in the middle of the market place. As she watched Melany run around a corner and out of sight, she couldn’t help but hope that she’d come back soon. “If she doesn’t come back then I truly am cursed,” Emera whispered to herself before walking back to the mattered fabrics, and leaving a confounded Galeran staring off into the distance.

MiloDaePesdan · 06-03-2007, 01:21 AM

Aleatz,

Despite the infodumps about magic you sneaked in, I liked it. But it could use some work. The opening line of the paragraph especially, since it's not really about Ruy but Alpha you'd want the focus on. (In a way its foreshadowing what happens.)

Quote:

It was around eight years ago when Uncle Ruy first visited our castle.

Around eight years ago Uncle Ruy and his pegasus Alpha visited our castle.

or

It was around eight years ago when Uncle Ruy brought his pegasus Alpha to our castle.
-----
I prefer the first since it's not passive. Grab the reader with something hard right away. Who cares about Ruy? I don't give a damn whether he visits or not. Gimme the pegasus.

In the case of a book I'd probably keep ignoring the punctuation/grammar mistakes and just focus on the story, but sooner or later you'd better clean it up.

Is this in any way influenced--note, not INSPIRED--by the anime Full Metal Alchemist? I can see you have the 'two brothers' element the show uses.

Milo

Aleatz · 06-03-2007, 01:43 AM

In response to the last comment... No, I came up with this before I read the manga or watched any of the anime. It is just a strange coincidence. Maybe it’s stories like these which got me into FMA in the first place XD

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiloDaePesdan

Despite the infodumps about magic you sneaked in, I liked it.

>.> I didn't try to sneak it in, in all honesty... But I probably should have concentrated on that at a later stage, huh?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiloDaePesdan

In the case of a book I'd probably keep ignoring the punctuation/grammar mistakes and just focus on the story, but sooner or later you'd better clean it up.

I'd love it if you pointed those out to me, since I have trouble spotting them myself. My grammar/punctuation is horrid, so in future don't be afraid to tell me where I'm wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiloDaePesdan

I prefer the first since it's not passive. Grab the reader with something hard right away. Who cares about Ruy? I don't give a damn whether he visits or not. Gimme the pegasus.

Alrighty. I'll keep that in mind

MiloDaePesdan · 06-03-2007, 02:21 AM

Quote:

In response to the last comment... No, I came up with this before I read the manga or watched any of the anime. It is just a strange coincidence. Maybe it’s stories like these which got me into FMA in the first place XD

Oooh. Yeah, I get those too.

Personally, I find it eerie. (There's a story there, I know there is. Just have to figure out how to shape it.)

And it's not that I'm afraid, it's just that there's a lot. It's easier to critique a shorter piece than a book. And about the info-dumps. You could cut out the history of Millin and mention it at a later point when the reader needs to know. Need-to-know being, "do I have to care about this stuff now?"

I'll give a short bit of it a detailed nitpicking later.

Milo

sternum · 06-03-2007, 07:11 AM

i thoroughly enjoyed that, i agree with milo on the magic part, i have a habit of perhaps, over explaining something, by digressing a bit too much, just introducing small parts of it at a time on a need to know basis. That was the only thing i noticed, that didnt sit well though it managed to fit in with the story though.

ps sorry milo your name was too long for me to write

keep up the good work, i want to read more