Originally Posted by Heather_18

Okay. I'm new and have been posting around a little, but this is my first actual piece of writing I'm posting. I'll be honest, my biggest weakness as a writer is actually showing people my personal pieces. But, I've to force myself to get over it. I hope you like it...




For the first time since she moved in two years ago she discovered that none of the tiles on her ceiling were perfectly aligned with each other. It took her two years to notice it, but now she couldn’t take her eyes off the uneven lines between the rows of squares. She couldn’t help but find it ironic because in this world, nothing adds up.

redundant. the metaphore was of straight lines

Forcing herself to get out of bed for the first time in days, her feet danced across the linoleum floor with the grace of a ballerina but the lethargy of an old dog. After she turned her 13’’ television set onto the news and muted it, she began playing the most beautiful opera music. Humming to herself she fixed breakfast for the first time in a week; pancakes that were burnt on one side but undercooked on the other, scrambled eggs with way too much cheese and crisp microwave bacon. All of which she hated, but he loved. He loved watching her cook and he loved eating what she made for him. She loved the simple fact he loved it.

these two images contradict each other. is there a point in knowig the size of the TV? Humming to herself, she fixed breakfast for the first time in weeks: pancakes that were burnt on one side, scrambled eggs with too much cheese, and crisp microwaved bacon. fragment.

She visualized them sitting across from each other in the table for two(,) him eating his oddly cooked food while she drank her first cup of coffee. He would watch the muted television over her shoulder while she would hum the tune of the opera songs to him. They were both completely in love with each other and as she continued to hum, teardrops fell into her bowl of pancake batter and her eggs began to burn.

She set the table as she did days before, only this time she sat the phone in his seat and angled herself towards the television. Patiently she sipped her sweetened coffee and let the food across the table turn cold and stale. She wanted to be ready for him to call, be ready for him to come back. She wanted him to know that his absence wouldn’t change the way her life worked because her life only worked one way, and that was with him.

As the news turned to afternoon soap operas her shoulders sank and her eyes filled up with tears. Taking as much time as she could she cleared off the table for two, one item at a time. After rinsing the last unused utensil her tears were stopped by the rattle of the phone. She picked it up and recognized the familiar breathing. Without her saying a word, he began speaking in the same soft, loving tone he had spoken to her with a week ago.

“I’ll be home in ten minutes” he said.

Originally Posted by Heather_18

1st...I don't quite understand how you're saying the line "nothing adds up" is incorrect. It's ironic that the lines don't align because nothing in this world adds up.
2nd...The images are supposed to contradict each other. That's the point.
3rd... The size of the TV is relevant. For a lot of reasons, reasons which I don't elaborate on because the reasons aren't quite relevant. Leave it to your imagination.
4th... The use of the fragment was for emphasis on that line, is there a better way to structure that and still have the same emphasis?

Thanks for the feedback, but can you possibly let me know how you liked the actual story?

Originally Posted by Heather_18

2nd...The images are supposed to contradict each other. That's the point.

Originally Posted by Heather_18

the story is a based off of some personal situations and so yes, the size of the television is relevant. I don't need to explain why it is there and my reason to why it's relevant. It's not incorrect to be there, so why question it? And no, it has nothing to do with 13 being an "unlucky" number.
And I don't understand how what I said on my "to kill a loved one's" thread is something to bring up about that line. I talked about description and education. Not metaphors. The lines on her ceiling didn't line up. She had been laying in bed [looking at the ceiling] upset because the one she loved left her, and it didn't make sense. Her whole world just exploded, and it didn't make sense. And she sees the lines, not lining up. And she finds it funny because to her, "nothing in this world adds up".

heather you are not seeing it clearly here. you can't start with lines and then say it doesn't add up. lines/add up one is symetrical, the other is mathamatics.

Rob, the point is the woman was graceful, she is a beautiful woman, and she walks with grace..... but she's been in bed for days, and is lethargic because she is sad. A depressed/sad person can still be beautiful and graceful. A huge example in my mind is the movie girl, interrupted. Susanna was sad, she was depressed, she needed a "rest" they said, but she was beautiful.

Quote:

her feet danced across the linoleum floor with the grace of a ballerina but the lethargy of an old dog.

this is an impossibility. we are the READER here, you are the writer. if it pulled us up it will pull all readers up... unless your ambition is not to get into print? how can you dance with the grace of a ballerina, but with the lethergy of an old dog? not only that but the metaphors throw images up too, think about it

Why must it be so black and white. Right and wrong? It's writing. It's art. There are grey areas.

because that's how to write good stories. forget the ART mumbo jumbo lol, it's a skill first and an art later.

Originally Posted by MiloDaePesdan

I don't get it.

I'm confused between two things. This one is a more personal than technical one. I get this implication when she switches from the news to afternoon operas that something bad happened to her husband. That, and the fact it's morning--I suddenly get this image of 9/11. The 'I'll be home in ten minutes' fixed that image on me--because the planes just kept coming right after the other into the tower.

Sorry. Just morning + ten minutes + news + missing husband = a whole world of bad.

The second thing I'm confused over is whether her husband is dead already or not, and the person speaking on the phone is a ghost conjured from her head.

0.02 c

Milo

Originally Posted by Heather_18

And azmakna. Yes I'm talking about lines. But I'm talking about the ceiling tiles (tiles, create lines, when done correctly) but, if a tile is out of align, the lines won't be straight...they won't "add up".

she wasn't dancing. she got up and her feet "danced with the grace of a ballerina". She was walking, that's all. Just to say "She walked" is pretty boring. But she was tired. Lethargic. Like I said to Rob. She is sad, she's been depressed and in bed, depression can cause one to be tired and that she is...but, she's still a graceful person. Just because you're tired (lethargic) doesn't mean you aren't graceful.

I feel so redundant in how I'm explaining it but this story has been shown to so many teachers and authors and my editor and nothing has been mentioned how those things don't make sense.

I know how to take advice and feedback, I love getting it, especially from other writers. I just have never had people, including my professors and other writers and english majors I look up to, say the contridiction is wrong. And I feel attacked. I've had you throw out in one post what was wrong, but nothing to come back with a positive note.