I'll Be Home In 10 Min - 450 words - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Azmakna · 06-02-2007, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather_18

Ok then tell me how he got the idea her husband was dead? That was implication on the reader's part, never on the writer. It's all in how he saw it, and he was confused... Sometimes certain things don't click in a reader's mind. I've had stories, great best selling novels, that I've had to stop and go "wait...what?" or ask questions. Doesn't mean the story is bad or written incorrectly.

okay heather, all i'll say is that these are really basic errors and if you hope to ever get published you need to listen. get yourself any book on writing and they will all tell you the same. the mixed metaphor is scorned upon more than a cliche.

Heather_18 · 06-02-2007, 06:02 PM

A line can break. A line can bend. A line can stop. And then start. A straight line is a straight line with no room to be uneven. A line on the other hand, is simply a line until someone changes it.

And maybe my tutors just understood that she was tired because of her situation, but she was graceful at heart. And that's why her grace showed through while she walked, even though, she was tired.

Azmakna · 06-02-2007, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather_18

A line can break. A line can bend. A line can stop. And then start. A straight line is a straight line with no room to be uneven. A line on the other hand, is simply a line until someone changes it.

And maybe my tutors just understood that she was tired because of her situation, but she was graceful at heart. And that's why her grace showed through while she walked, even though, she was tired.

okay you are right. well i guess i'll just let others give you what you need because clearly you don't want to listen to me lol

now here's a test for you. look at some of my stories and critique them for me. it will be a test of your honesty. you are wrong, fullstop, when you realise that you will improve... i promise

Heather_18 · 06-02-2007, 06:15 PM

It's not that I don't want to listen. I don't want you to think that what you say I'm disregarding. If I really didn't care or want to listen I would have said "Fuck You" and not sat here response after response talking, discussing, etc with you. I didn't post something and expect everyone to be all oohhhs and ahhhs and "you're so amazing". I know damn well that my stuff is not perfect and I have very few places to get constructive critisim, I was happy to find this. But I got nothing constructive. It turned into an argument or something.

All my point is, not everything has to be blunt and dry. I don't write things to just write, I like reading things that make me think, therefore thats what I like to write. Maybe that's fault to my last english professor who spent 99% of the year reading, and breaking down stories and "thinking" about what means what. But, I've dealt with a lot of disturbed, hurting, and sad people that were so beautiful, so maybe that's why it just makes sense to me.

And I'd love to read your stories...where can I find them? Are there just on here, or what.
And question...how will it test my honesty, because, I've done nothing here to show me to be an honest or dishonest person?

Azmakna · 06-02-2007, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather_18

It's not that I don't want to listen. I don't want you to think that what you say I'm disregarding. If I really didn't care or want to listen I would have said "Fuck You" and not sat here response after response talking, discussing, etc with you. I didn't post something and expect everyone to be all oohhhs and ahhhs and "you're so amazing". I know damn well that my stuff is not perfect and I have very few places to get constructive critisim, I was happy to find this. But I got nothing constructive. It turned into an argument or something.

All my point is, not everything has to be blunt and dry. I don't write things to just write, I like reading things that make me think, therefore thats what I like to write. Maybe that's fault to my last english professor who spent 99% of the year reading, and breaking down stories and "thinking" about what means what. But, I've dealt with a lot of disturbed, hurting, and sad people that were so beautiful, so maybe that's why it just makes sense to me.

And I'd love to read your stories...where can I find them? Are there just on here, or what.
And question...how will it test my honesty, because, I've done nothing here to show me to be an honest or dishonest person?

lol... i just had visions of you careening through my stories and knocking over the furniture (so to speak) read through this thread again, heather. all i'm trying to do here is point you in the right direction, just like more experienced writers than me point me in the right diredtion.

if you want i'll post some links to my stuff... okay?

Heather_18 · 06-02-2007, 06:35 PM

I appreciate any help and advice. I truly do. We all have to get it from somewhere.

All I'm trying to do is explain that just because she's tired doesn't mean she can't be graceful.

And that constructive critisim usually contains something positive. You could have atleast complimented me on my spelling. (joke. laugh.)

And, question. I know I've read books that contain fragments. And not necessarily in regards to my story, just for knowledge. I've seen a fragment used to say, emphasize something (which is the only time I've ever used them...and I have, more than once). I guess I've seen them in a lot of books. So where is the line drawn between an incorrect fragment, and a justifiable fragment?

And post links, or something of your works...And I hope you don't think when I said "And I'd love to read your stories...where can I find them?" that I meant it with a nasty snarl and vindictive tone. Really. I'm not a bitch. I'm actually insanely bad at it.

DavidGil · 06-02-2007, 06:37 PM

I could be wrong in this Heather but my thoughts after reading the posts here.

Maybe the best bet is to try not to over-complicate things with word useage etc. as I assume that's what has happened with people being thrown off.

Myself, I do try to use words and find they give the wrong meaning, as I'm still trying to work on my vocablury so my skills aren't up to par to write long flowing pieces of excellent writing. Far from it honestly. It annoys me as well, because I dislike keeping it very simple and using the same words over and over.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to try not to leave any room for a reader to be confused, unless it's maybe the ending and you intend to leave the reader with something to think over.

Lastly, I understand you wanting to defend yourself but really, you need to take criticism on the chin. I can have writings of mine not responded to, called lazy etc. and not be offended. It is after all, the readers that you want to interest. Honestly, when you get this sort of stuff back, it should make you want to improve and not just argue.

That's my two cents anyways. Whether it was any help or not and whether I was right or wrong on what the faults are with the writing.

Edit: I don't mean to say you don't wish to improve. I just mean instead of actually posting here, I'd be working on improving my writing itself.

Heather_18 · 06-02-2007, 06:51 PM

David...which wording would you say I should change or what not. Can you give me an example? Or maybe just further explain...Because, well the one that posted the questions hasn't replied, but I don't understand how he got the confusion that the guy was dead. It says she was waiting for him to call, or to come back. Can you point out places of confusion?

And the argument is kind of ridiculous. I tried explaining how the contridiction is used as the point (grace/lethargy) and I wasn't grasping how they weren't understanding how she can still be graceful when lethargic. It was never about improvement on that part, it was simply how the story was supposed to come off, and I've never had anyone say anything about it being wrong or confusing, and this is a story I've showed to many people and used in many things. And, nothing decent was said about the story. It's criticisim, right? Not tearing it to shreds.

Rob · 06-02-2007, 06:52 PM

I wouldn't worry about it, Heather. It's not unusual to receive conflicting comments. It's up to you to decide which to take into account and which not to, but don't tie yourself up in knots trying to please or answer everyone. You know what you're trying to achieve with this story, and if some people get that and some don't, the story may still have satisfied your intended audience.

If you choose to put aside the comments about the contradiction, that's fine, really it is. All I can tell you is the effect the line had on me. If you're satisfied that it works and that most people won't have a problem with it, go with that. It's nothing personal. I'm sure we all respect your right as the author to decide which comments to address and which not to.

Cheers,
Rob

MiloDaePesdan · 06-02-2007, 07:48 PM

Heather,

About lethargic. I think it's too strong a word to convey the image you're trying to show, and I get the feel you're trying too hard. (I do that sometimes too.) It's just too contradictory to merge with 'her feet danced across the linoleum floor with the grace of a ballerina'. Too purple-prosy.

Look. An old dog and a ballerina is like...apples and fish. Gravy and peanut butter with raisins and steak. Very jarring. It just doesn't work.

IMO you could focus on the ballerina part and emphasize on that to show she is tired, i.e. describe the ballerina as old or retired somehow.

About my confusion. It cleared when you told me outside the story he walked out. Lol.

If he supposedly walked out of her life, well, it's not really evident to me. I think the word 'absence' was the trigger that implied to me he went ka-put. Or it just might be my fancy that a person she loved so much cannot walk out of her life--because he was so important that he'd better be off dead than leaving her this way.

I admit the scene is...poignant. (Not pungent!)

Milo
The simplest style is often the best. Writing that doesn't call attention to itself is IMO the best, that snares the reader into the story, not the fancy turns of phrase.

Fancy phrases are the equivalent of salt and pepper. Use sparingly.

DavidGil · 06-02-2007, 07:53 PM

Okay. Pre-warning I'm not the brightest person and actually can be quite slow, so maybe I'm not the best audience/critique for this but I'll try.

Two things I want to say first though: It is criticism yes but the harsh reality is when you send things off for publication, the editors etc. will be harsh. (not that I've actually had experience in the field.) So I guess it's a nice prep course, if you could call it that.

Also what Rob said, I agree with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather_18

Okay. I'm new and have been posting around a little, but this is my first actual piece of writing I'm posting. I'll be honest, my biggest weakness as a writer is actually showing people my personal pieces. But, I've to force myself to get over it. I hope you like it...

“I’ll be Home In 10 Minutes”

For the first time since she moved in two years ago she discovered that none of the tiles on her ceiling were perfectly aligned with each other. It took her two years to notice it, but now she couldn’t take her eyes off the uneven lines between the rows of squares. She couldn’t help but find it ironic because in this world, nothing adds up.

As Azmakna said, you could most likely do without it as it doesn't add much. I have that problem myself and ask myself how can I have good padding often, by keeping to the bare minimum. Often leads to taking words out. (not saying it is padding however) I'd maybe lose this.

Forcing herself to get out of bed for the first time in days, her feet danced across the linoleum floor with the grace of a ballerina but the lethargy of an old dog. After she turned her 13’’ television set onto the news and muted it, she began playing the most beautiful opera music. Humming to herself she fixed breakfast for the first time in a week; pancakes that were burnt on one side but undercooked on the other, scrambled eggs with way too much cheese and crisp microwave bacon. All of which she hated, but he loved. He loved watching her cook and he loved eating what she made for him. She loved the simple fact he loved it.

What I'd do personally, is try to make up your mind as to which phrase you want in, then take the other out or maybe reword it entirely. I think what could have threw others, is the fact you maybe tried too hard to make it quality writing. Thus, ending up in the result not being what you wanted in other people's minds. (That said, I could be wrong. Just mainly trying to touch on what others have said in their posts.) Anyways, my view of the phrase. It is a bit odd as she's dancing gracefully but lethargic at the same time.

A suggestion maybe if I may:

She moved with the the gracefulness of a ballerina across the linoleum floor yet there was also a hint of weariness about her. (Maybe make a comment about her eyes or something.)

Maybe re-word it something like that, so that the focus isn't entirely on her feet dancing via the wording?

She visualized them sitting across from each other in the table for two; him eating his oddly cooked food while she drank her first cup of coffee. He would watch the muted television over her shoulder while she would hum the tune of the opera songs to him. They were both completely in love with each other and as she continued to hum, teardrops fell into her bowl of pancake batter and her eggs began to burn.

She set the table as she did days before, only this time she sat the phone in his seat and angled herself towards the television. Patiently she sipped her sweetened coffee and let the food across the table turn cold and stale. She wanted to be ready for him to call, be ready for him to come back. She wanted him to know that his absence wouldn’t change the way her life worked because her life only worked one way, and that was with him.

As the news turned to afternoon soap operas her shoulders sank and her eyes filled up with tears. Taking as much time as she could she cleared off the table for two, one item at a time. After rinsing the last unused utensil her tears were stopped by the rattle of the phone. She picked it up and recognized the familiar breathing. Without her saying a word, he began speaking in the same soft, loving tone he had spoken to her with a week ago.

“I’ll be home in ten minutes” he said.

This for me was the only definate clue that he was alive. You could assume either way until there, in my view.

I hope you take what I've said in good faith. Mainly just tried to help by explaining what could have made others confused.

What I thought of the piece personally, can be taken with a pinch of salt as quite frankly, I read fantasy and that's all really as you can probably tell by my pieces of writing.

I think if you re-word some of it though, maybe throw in one or two hints as to the fact her lover is alive before the end, it could work.

Probably taken me the best part of an hour-an hour and a half to write this, hence why I don't do much critiquing, especially of experienced folk. Doesn't help with the fact when I want to critique something, I'm not sure whether it's right or not.

Hope it helps anyways, might try to find more I can comment on. Had this reply open at the same time as the thread itself, so two windows were open.

MiloDaePesdan · 06-02-2007, 08:10 PM

David,

I've encountered editors. (I have seen the elephant, and boy is it HAIRY.)

Very nice people to meet, but very harsh to stories. (Moi rejected. Boo-hoo. Heh.) Which is exactly what a writer needs to develop thick skin.

I guess after you've read a ga-jillion slush pieces you become the ultimate critic.

Milo

DavidGil · 06-02-2007, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiloDaePesdan

David,

I've encountered editors. (I have seen the elephant, and boy is it HAIRY.)

Very nice people to meet, but very harsh to stories. (Moi rejected. Boo-hoo. Heh.) Which is exactly what a writer needs to develop thick skin.

I guess after you've read a ga-jillion slush pieces you become the ultimate critic.

Milo

I hope I get that opportunity soon even if it is to be rejected and be told what I send off is absolute crap. In all likelihood that will be the case, though the people encouraging me on are living in a dream world in that respect I think.

Of course, first I need to get past the stopping and starting phase. Think I'll do it this time though, easier being out of work currently. Thought i'd try to write the first three chapters to start with then send off, but I think that's getting ahead of myself. So the whole book finished or nothing at all. So err, I'm 6 pages in or so, so a long way to go if I even make it to the end. *grins*

PS: Sorry for the derail.

Azmakna · 06-03-2007, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidGil

I hope I get that opportunity soon even if it is to be rejected and be told what I send off is absolute crap. In all likelihood that will be the case, though the people encouraging me on are living in a dream world in that respect I think.

Of course, first I need to get past the stopping and starting phase. Think I'll do it this time though, easier being out of work currently. Thought i'd try to write the first three chapters to start with then send off, but I think that's getting ahead of myself. So the whole book finished or nothing at all. So err, I'm 6 pages in or so, so a long way to go if I even make it to the end. *grins*

PS: Sorry for the derail.

will you stop knocking yourself! you are 21... can you imagine how good you will be in 15 years? that's why it's important to keep your old stuff. by looking back you can see you have moved forward and that is all you need to know.

DavidGil · 06-03-2007, 11:46 AM

I prefer to call it being optimistic or realistic, but I'll take your advice.