For Hope prologue - Writers Forum

red beard · 06-01-2007, 11:17 AM

this is my first attempt at writing. be brutal, i need all the help i can get.

Prologue

“Rain.” Snarled the general as the first drop rolled down his ancient dwarven armor. “Prepare the men ,Captain. The Gods seem to have it in for us.”
Thunder shook the mountain as the army made ready. Officers were shouting orders, weapons were being inspected, and formations were starting to come together. General Dorin was proud.
He had trained and led this army for more than a century. They had fought off a massive troll invasion, taken back the steel mines lost centuries ago to the Xionian clan, helped the humans fend off a ogre assault at the tower of Isner to the north, and defended their underground kingdom against the Minotaurs in the Relic Wars. Many of his clansmen were lost, but never had the Orthanian army been defeated. Today would be no different.
Once again the thunder shook the Orthan mountain. All at once the rain came down, so heavy it almost dropped the dwarf to his knees.
“That’ll slow them down.” He mused with a smile. “No army is makin’ it up MY mountain in this weather.”
The rain came down in sheets so thick, they lost sight of the approaching army that was slowly climbing the mountain.
“Get hold of the lookout. See if he can make out the devil army.” Dorin shouted through the torrent of rain.
The soldier gave Dorin a salute and made his way toward the lookout post as quickly as he could without slipping on the slick battlements.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A goblin soldier dressed in new looking black armor trotted down the line of marching monsters. He passed ranks of goblin, dark elf, cyclops, ogre, and huge rhinoceros beasts carrying mystics. The size of the army was aw inspiring. Even after a month of marching with them, the goblin could not believe the numbers. It had taken him nearly twenty minuets to walk from his place at the front of the army, to where his commander sat at the back.
“I’m here to deliver the report, sir.” The goblin said, head bowed.
“How are the preparations coming, worm?”
“The head of the army is in position, and waiting on your command. The rest of the troops should fall in soon, my lord.”
The goblin waited for a response. Water began to fill his metal boots and cause him to sink a little into the mud.
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?” The commanders voice screeching in the goblins ears.
“No, my lord.”
“Move back to your position or I’ll have an ogre hang you by your entrails!”
“Yes, my lord.” The goblin moved away from the commander at a much faster pace than he had arrived, catching a growl and a smile from a ogre on his way.
“Kena’al.” The commander shouted.
A dark elf in black robes strode quickly to the commander’s side. “Yes, my lord?” His voice smooth and slick as oil.
“Send the order to begin the assault.” What Kena’al guessed must have been a smile crept onto the commanders face. “ Let the dwarves see us.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
The Dwarven soldier finally reached the lookout post. The wind had picked up and was blowing the rain into the front of the mountain, stinging the eyes of the Orthanian clan as they stood trying to see the oncoming hoard.
“Have you been able to spot the black army in this?” The soldier asked, shouting over the wind and rain.
“No. They must have turned back. Half the mountain has washed away, I don’t see why they would be any different.”
“Alright. You keep trying. I’ll report back in a little while.”
The soldier turned back to the battlement with a jump in his stride. He was hoping that this would happen. With the weather being so bad, they could have a better chance to prepare before the battle. He couldn’t wait to tell General Dorin.
Lightning flashed, and the dwarf missed a step. He fell down the short staircase landing on his back. Standing quickly, and cursing himself for not paying attention, he caught a glimpse of something from the corner of his eye. He squinted into the rain and wind trying to get a second look. It couldn’t have been what he thought.
A second flash of lightning lit the mountain and he got his second look. There was going to be a fight tonight, and he wasn’t sure they would survive.
* * * * * * * * * * *
“General!” The soldier screamed as he approached the officer’s balcony. “General Dorin!”
The exhausted and frightened soldier fell to his knees at Dorin’s feet. The general bent down to help the young dwarf to his feet.
“What is it? Did the lookout get a view of the black army?” The terrified look on the soldiers face gave Dorin a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach. “ What did you see?”
The soldier took a deep breath. “Dragons, General. They brought dragons.”

red beard · 06-01-2007, 11:23 AM

sorry in advance for not having my paragraphs indented. i had some problems when i posted it.

Charlie_Eleanor · 06-01-2007, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by red beard

this is my first attempt at writing. be brutal, i need all the help i can get.

Prologue

“Rain.” Snarled the general as the first drop rolled down his ancient dwarven armor. “Prepare the men ,Captain. The Gods seem to have it in for us.”
Thunder shook the mountain as the army made ready. Officers were shouting orders, weapons were being inspected, and formations were starting to come together. General Dorin was proud.
He had trained and led this army for more than a century. They had fought off a massive troll invasion, taken back the steel mines lost centuries ago to the Xionian clan, helped the humans fend off a ogre assault at the tower of Isner to the north, and defended their underground kingdom against the Minotaurs in the Relic Wars. Many of his clansmen were lost, but never had the Orthanian army been defeated. Today would be no different.
Once again the thunder shook the Orthan mountain. All at once the rain came down, so heavy it almost dropped the dwarf to his knees.
“That’ll slow them down.” He mused with a smile. “No army is makin’ it up MY mountain in this weather.”
The rain came down in sheets so thick, they lost sight of the approaching army that was slowly climbing the mountain.
“Get hold of the lookout. See if he can make out the devil army.” Dorin shouted through the torrent of rain.
The soldier gave Dorin a salute and made his way toward the lookout post as quickly as he could without slipping on the slick battlements.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A goblin soldier dressed in new looking black (Just say new black armor, new looking seems unprofessional) armor trotted down the line of marching monsters. He passed ranks of goblin, dark elf, cyclops, ogre, and huge rhinoceros beasts carrying mystics. The size of the army was aw inspiring. Even after a month of marching with them, the goblin could not believe the numbers. It had taken him nearly twenty minuets to walk from his place at the front of the army, to where his commander sat at the back.
“I’m here to deliver the report, sir.” The goblin said, head bowed.
“How are the preparations coming, worm?”
“The head of the army is in position, and waiting on your command. The rest of the troops should fall in soon, my lord.”
The goblin waited for a response. Water began to fill his metal boots and cause him to sink a little (Personally I would say: and caused him to begin sinking into the mud. A little is so simplistic, i guess is the best way to say it.) into the mud.
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?” The commanders voice screeching in the goblins ears.
“No, my lord.”
“Move back to your position or I’ll have an ogre hang you by your entrails!”
“Yes, my lord.” The goblin moved away from the commander at a much faster pace than he had arrived, catching a growl and a smile from a ogre on his way.
“Kena’al.” The commander shouted.
A dark elf in black robes strode quickly to the commander’s side. “Yes, my lord?” His voice smooth and slick as oil.
“Send the order to begin the assault.” What Kena’al guessed must have been a smile crept onto the commanders face. “ Let the dwarves see us.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
The Dwarven soldier finally reached the lookout post. The wind had picked up and was blowing the rain into the front of the mountain, stinging the eyes of the Orthanian clan as they stood trying to see the oncoming hoard.
“Have you been able to spot the black army in this?” The soldier asked, shouting over the wind and rain.
“No. They must have turned back. Half the mountain has washed away, I don’t see why they would be any different.”
“Alright. You keep trying. I’ll report back in a little while.”
The soldier turned back to the battlement with a jump in his stride. He was hoping that this would happen. With the weather being so bad, they could have a better chance to prepare before the battle. He couldn’t wait to tell General Dorin.
Lightning flashed, and the dwarf missed a step. He fell down the short staircase landing on his back. Standing quickly, and cursing himself for not paying attention, he caught a glimpse of something from the corner of his eye. He squinted into the rain and wind trying to get a second look. It couldn’t have been what he thought.
A second flash of lightning lit the mountain and he got his second look. There was going to be a fight tonight, and he wasn’t sure they would survive (<<<I don't know if I would include this last sentence. It seems like more of a cliff hanger if you just leave it at "and hew wasn't sure they would survive...) .
* * * * * * * * * * *
“General!” The soldier screamed as he approached the officer’s balcony. “General Dorin!”
The exhausted and frightened soldier fell to his knees at Dorin’s feet. The general bent down to help the young dwarf to his feet.
“What is it? Did the lookout get a view of the black army?” The terrified look on the soldiers face gave Dorin a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach. “ What did you see?”
The soldier took a deep breath. “Dragons, General. They brought dragons.(<<<This gave me chills

)”

So, I really liked this! Yeah, indenting, or at least spacing the paragraphs will really make it cleaner. I think this could be a lot of fun. He have an organized approach that is so refreshing. Keep up the good work. Excited to see where this goes! If you can, let me know when you have more written. I am very interested.

red beard · 06-01-2007, 05:52 PM

thanx for the crits. i'm really thrilled that you liked it. i should have the rest of the prologue up by morning.

red beard · 06-07-2007, 11:15 PM

so i guess that after all this time with no crits or comments that this must not be very good. If there is anyone who is willing to read this and give me an opinion, that would be great. I just want to know if i should continue this story or not.

Knocking · 06-08-2007, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by red beard

“Rain.” Snarled the general as the first drop rolled down his ancient dwarven armor. “Prepare the men ,Captain. The Gods seem to have it in for us.”

The rain came down in sheets so thick, they lost sight of the approaching army that was slowly climbing the mountain.

“Kena’al.” The commander shouted.
A dark elf in black robes strode quickly to the commander’s side. “Yes, my lord?” His voice smooth and slick as oil.
“Send the order to begin the assault.” What Kena’al guessed must have been a smile crept onto the commanders face. “ Let the dwarves see us.”

The soldier took a deep breath. “Dragons, General. They brought dragons.”

The first thing that jumped out at me was dwaves should be dwarfs. Tolkien made up dwaves... Unless you knew that an wanted to use that anyway. Whatever! LOL

If you are referring to more than one god than it should be lowercased. In the "second" paragraph, I don't think you need the word "slowly" as you already said they were approaching.

I especially like that third paragraph I set off...I have no idea why.

And I totally agree with Charlie, the end is excellent!

Overall, awesomeness! You write with just the speed that it needs in the scene. Write more please!

red beard · 06-08-2007, 11:04 AM

thanks, i'm glad you like it. I'm working on the second half of the prologue. I just wanted a few more opinions before i decided to continue.