Angst! A high school drama - Page 3 - Writers Forum

kaytea111 · 06-08-2007, 09:05 PM

i relly like it. I think this is the best chapter so far. Just one thing tho, Kat and Isaac go from being in a huge fight with Trevor and knives and stuff right into almost having sex and cuddling. Kinda weird, but i like it.

~*Occulence*~ · 06-08-2007, 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaytea111

i relly like it. I think this is the best chapter so far. Just one thing tho, Kat and Isaac go from being in a huge fight with Trevor and knives and stuff right into almost having sex and cuddling. Kinda weird, but i like it.

yeah. I guess the main thing that I wanted to emphasize was that there are definitely feelings between them, and that they both needed someong to hold on to. (sorta like what kat said).

sternum · 06-09-2007, 08:57 AM

In my honest opinion i dont find it all that realistic, with what happenened in the last chapter, i also found like mentioned i think before that it was laking in description. However that being said i probably couldn't write much better and i am enjoying reading the story and looking forward to your next installment keep up the good work

~*Occulence*~ · 06-12-2007, 09:27 PM

Welp, just dropping in for a quick update;

I am going to work on rehashing what I have written so far, mainly combining and expanding chapters so that there is less, because I am planning on writing alot.

Also, I am going to definitely work on the slight unrealisticness of last chapter.

Nillani · 06-12-2007, 11:04 PM

I am really enjoying your story - it's good! But a word of advice - I went to a writing thing once, and this professional writer was there (james moloney - have you heard of him?) and he told us a really important thing - when you're writing a story, show not tell. But you're doing pretty good! I like it!

BabyFresh_06 · 06-18-2007, 07:39 PM

Hey sorry I haven't been up here in a min. but I was in chicago but now now I'm back and ready to finish reading

MusicSoundsBetterWithYou · 06-21-2007, 01:27 AM

very well written except abit to descriptive in some parts. I enjoy reading this

~*Occulence*~ · 06-21-2007, 05:38 PM

glad u guys are liking it. IDK if you read it, but a few posts ago, I said that I am reworking it, and I am now in the process of writing my first new chapter (which well be ch 1).

ClancyBoy · 06-22-2007, 05:33 AM

I haven't read the whole thing, and it's been a long time since I was in high school, but I want to say I really like your writing. It's descriptive, not too flowery, it flows very naturally and you have a natural ear for dialog.

ClancyBoy · 06-22-2007, 06:04 AM

I don't think any of this is bad, there are just a few parts that I personally would have done differently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~*Occulence*~

As his headlights flashed on the porch, Katherine and Trevor were illuminated.

"As?"

What about "Katherine and Trevor were illuminated in the flash (glare?) of his headlights" ?

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“What are you going to do about it?” he said, holding Katharine by the stomach.

"Gonna" sounds better to me here. I can't imagine anyone saying "goung to" unless they were enunciating.

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As Isaac got closer, Trevor forcefully shoved Katharine to the side. Reacting quickly, Isaac dove to catch her. She landed in his arms.

Don't think "forcefully" is needed here. "Shoved" is forceful enough.

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Isaac turned to face Trevor, but instead, faced the bottom of a boot coming down on his face. Pain shot through his head and blood began to flow out of his nose. He was groggy and had trouble getting to his feet.

The boot was coming down? Trevor is flexible!

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“You know what happened?” Trevor yelled at Isaac, “Apparently, your little girlfriend can talk about it, but can’t actually do it. She slapped me when I made a move on her. Imagine that. Do you do that when a guy makes a move on you, queer?”

Haha nice.

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“Leave him alone!” Katherine yelled. Trevor barely moved. He grabbed her by the neck.

Grabbing someone by the neck is more than barely moving. I think I know what you mean, that he was frozen, then grabbed her by the neck. If so, you need to transition these.

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“Who do you mean, Isaac, this little whore?” He turned to her, “real girls put out, bitch!” angrily, he held her out and back handed her across her left cheek. She hit the ground hard.

I like.

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“Now,” Trevor said, pulling something out of his back pocket, “it’s time to finish this,” Trevor revealed a switchblade. He smiled as he walked to an angry Isaac.

Aw, c'mon, something more dramatic than "revealed." He whipped it out, he grabbed for it, he clutched it, he tore it from his pocket...

Quote:

As Trevor moved to attack him, Isaac summoned enough energy to spear Trevor in the stomach and get him to the ground. Both blood and rain made it hard for Isaac to see Trevor’s face and the blade, but he pushed his right wrist to the ground, while driving his fist into Trevor’s face. Isaac did his best to try and knock Trevor out, but was stopped by another knee to the groin. This time, the attacker and defender were switched, as Trevor turned Isaac onto his back and got on top of him.

What happened to Trevor when he got stabbed? He was speared with a knife in the gut, right? And got punched at the same time? Did that do anything to him? If not, shouldn't Isaac be really surprised?

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The rain turned to a mere drizzle as Trevor punched Isaac, “Really think that I would play nice?” Trevor smirked again as he began to strangle Isaac with his left hand. “See you in Hell!” he yelled as he raised the knife above his head.

Who yelled? Who has the knife? I don't know who "he" is.

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A driving force in the form of Katharine hit him in the back and sent him falling to the side.

Again, him who?

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Isaac lay on his back as the light weight of her bosom pushed against his chest. He slowly moved his right hand down her virtually bare back to rest just above her rear. Passion traveled through both their bodies in this compromising position.

light weight?

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Her palms were tickled by the grass as they lay near his head, and her heart fluttered.

Uh oh, passive voice. Make that "the grass tickled her palms"

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“Shh,” he tried to calm her, nuzzling the back of her neck, “I’m going to be fine,” he said.

Nuzzling with what? His head? You mean the side of her neck?

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When he turned, he was horrified. Dried blood adorned the area below Trevor’s left shoulder. The knife was held bloodily in his hand.

bloody in his hand. I'm not sure bloodily is a word.

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Isaac limped over to his fallen enemy. “He has a pulse,” Isaac said out loud, “But it is very erratic,”

Erratic pulses are something you can detect with an ECG. Fingers would only be able to tell weak, strong, or no pulse.

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Trevor fell on the knife. The paramedics didn’t ask any more questions, and just said that Isaac and Katharine had better get some rest.

No, the paramedics are required to call the police, if the police didn't show up with them. It's a stabbing! You need to find a more believable way out of this.

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His eyes fell on her rear.

Is that the word you usually use for ass? I don't know anyone who says this.

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heart-shaped behind.

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“I always say, flaunt it if ya got it,”

You said "flaunt" twice.

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He gulped again.

Gulping sounds cartoony. Does anyone really do this?

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She faced the back of the couch as she took his hand in hers and closed her eyes, “good night,”

Aw man, just when it was getting good

Just my thoughts. Like I said before, I really enjoyed this.

GunslingersRequiem · 06-22-2007, 06:16 AM

This story is not very believeable--the paramedics wouldn't be asking them any questions at all, for they'd be too busy rushing Trevor to the ER. Also, Isaac and Katharine wouldn't be doing much of anything because they'd be in handcuffs getting questioned. Three kids screwing around and one "falls" on the knife, stabbing himself below the shoulder? I don't know--I require a story to be plausible at best. Even fantasy characters have relevant weaknesses.

BecauseYoureWorthIt · 06-24-2007, 01:48 PM

I agree with Gunslingers, it's very melodramatic. It seems like the kind of thing you'd see on 'The OC', which, as funny as it is to watch, is not realistic.

~*Occulence*~ · 06-24-2007, 08:32 PM

yeah im working on rewriting it, but i have writer's block at the moment

and yes. I loved the OC.

ClancyBoy · 06-24-2007, 09:58 PM

I'm thinking getting Isaac in trouble with the police is a good opportunity to ratchet up the drama. How would Katherine react to that?
What if Trevor said Isaac assaulted him? Isaac's fingerprints are on the knife now, right? Plus he's already got the black eye Isaac gave him during their fight.