Gloaming - Writers Forum

TheNextOne · 05-20-2007, 09:39 PM

First of all, I'd just like to say: I wish I knew what this story was about and where it's going. If I write more I'll post again with some answers. Perhaps some of you out there have ideas or theories. Better still I'm sure you'll have your critiques and I can't wait to see what other comments you may have.

Either way, enjoy.
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“I thought you said it was done,” Barry said.

“It is,” Rick repeated.

“You’re a fucking liar, Rick!”

“Nope. You’re just untrusting. It’s done. I said it would be done, and it’s done. Got it?”

“You know I don’t believe you,” Barry said. He swore again and spat into the shaded field of wheat that surrounded them. A barn red house loomed behind them. It always reminded Rick of the home Clark Kent’s character lived in before he became Superman.

“I don’t care what you believe, Barry. It’s done. I’m leaving.”

“The hell you are,” Barry said. He grabbed Rick by the arm forcefully, feeling the light denim jacket tear a little under his grip. He wished it would rip Rick’s arm off or at least tear the sleeve a little more but Rick’s jacket held tight and Rick’s arm with it.

“Move your hand before you lose it, Bare,” Rick said. Barry hated being called Bare as much as he hated being threatened.

“So help me if I find out it wasn’t done, I’m coming after you, Rick. It better be fucking done!”

“Oh it’s done all right,” Rick said. He gazed into Barry’s eyes with his own steel gray ones. Barry seemed to get the message and loosened his grip on Rick’s arm. Rick tore free of Barry all together with a swift tug and started moving towards his truck without another word, some of the still frozen wheat crunched with each of his steps. The steadily growing evening was silent enough to allow the smallest sounds into the ears of the living.

“Hey fuck you Rick! If it’s not done…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rick said. He opened the door to his truck, hopped in and slammed it shut. Barry kicked some dirt on the ground like a child that lost a game of checkers and didn’t know how else to vent his frustration. He cursed and spat again, wondering why his mouth was so full of saliva.

He stared at Rick’s truck as it pulled away, grumbling loudly as it went and disappeared down the loose gravel driveway. “It better be done, or we’re both dead anyway,” Rick muttered.

killned3 · 05-20-2007, 11:56 PM

"A barn red house loomed behind them."

^^Should be "barn-red". Don't know what it's called . . . I just know that's how you do it when it's an adjective.

"Rick tore free of Barry all together with a swift tug and started moving towards his truck without another word, some of the still frozen wheat crunched with each of his steps."

^^"Towards" is more British (as opposed to "toward") but that's not the focus of this comment; what you have here is a run-on because you've put two independent clauses together without a correct conjunction. Try making it two separate sentences or join them with a semicolon or something. Also, "still frozen" should be "still-frozen", otherwise, we may think of the wheat as still and frozen.

Those are all the mistakes that I spotted. Otherwise, it was pretty good. Strong dialogue. Keep writing. :]

Colt

TheNextOne · 05-21-2007, 12:09 AM

Thanks, Colt. I appreciate the help with the technical errors. I'm glad you liked the dialogue. That's usually where my strength in writing is, dialogue. I'll always write, whether I make a profit or not--it's my life job.

Thanks for caring enough to critique!

killned3 · 05-21-2007, 12:20 AM

It was no problem. :]

By chance, is that book in your avatar one you've published?

BoyWithBayonet · 05-21-2007, 07:50 AM

The only errors I spotted were the ones killned pointed out, so I'll leave that alone.

The writing was good; I like your style. The story seems like an interesting one, and I like that you didn't tell us what exactly it was that needed to be done. It makes me anticipate reading the rest.

The only thing I didn't really like is how much you used 'fuck' in your dialogue. It's not necessarily a bad thing; I just think it was a bit too much. But, it could be that that's the personality or dialect (is that the right word?) of your characters.

Good writing. Keep it up!
-BoyWithBayonet

Edit: Oh, I forgot something.

The steadily growing evening was silent enough to allow the smallest sounds into the ears of the living.

To me, this seemed a bit too...technical, I believe is the right term. It just seemed out of place with the rest of your writing; mainly the "into the ears of the living" part.

TheNextOne · 05-21-2007, 09:18 AM

Colt: yes, the book icon in my avatar is a book I wrote and published. Check out my profile to visit my website if you're interested to learn more.

Boy: I appreciate your honest opinion. Yep, these guys are back-woods hicks, and the word 'fuck' is kind of like the word 'and' to most normal people, it's part of the way they are. I see what you're saying about the night passage--I don't think it's too technical per say, but it's a little awkward.

Thanks for your comments and questions!

BoyWithBayonet · 05-21-2007, 01:24 PM

No problem, TheNextOne. Keep it up!

fjf1329 · 05-21-2007, 02:18 PM

I enjoyed the post. It interested me and I wanted to read more of the story. I agree with the previous criticisms in regard to the "barn red house." For a second I wasn't sure if you were talking about a house or a barn. The frozen wheat also stood out. However these are things that are easily edited out. IMO the story is the object of writing and you began what appeared to be an interesting story.
Thanks for the peek...