Immortle Valley - Writers Forum

Level0123 · 05-15-2007, 08:25 AM

Heres the first paragraph of a novel i'm writing.

In the passing of a heartbeat, the world changes. Blended clouds, aluminous red, orange and yellow mark the end to a boreal day. A slow wind creeps in from the East, bringing with it a chill not present before. Pollen dances in the evening air over a small yard, the whirling steps created by the passing bodies beneath.
A scorched fence at the side, a charred reminder of a careless barbecue, which you will sometimes smell if you get too close. Charcoal and fat, watered down by a winters worth of rain and harsh frost.
The last rays of the days sunlight filtered through onto the garden. Down the wooden steps, the low light showing up signs of slight warping in the timbers, onto a gravel pathway winding towards an ivy clad gondola. The gravel rutted and pot marked by the recent heavy footfalls of an energetic game.
The cries of "goal" echoed around the abandoned swing; a year has passed since it was last used, a fleeting reminder of childhood speeding away; and the cries resound around Madeline's head. The triumphant roar and exuberant display from Chris drill deeply into her skull and oil her already slippery emotions. In that heartbeat, from goal scored to egotistical display, Madeline knew that things could never be the same for them.
Letting the thought pass for the moment; though she would dwell on it in her diary later on; she joined in with Chris. Allowing herself a moment of childish joy and hurling abuse light heartedly, Madeline allowed Chris his moment of self importance.

Valzar · 05-15-2007, 09:10 AM

Quote:

A slow wind creeps in from the East, bringing with it a chill not present before.

East isn't capitalized.

Quote:

The last rays of the days sunlight filtered through onto the garden

days should be day's

Quote:

Down the wooden steps, the low light showing up signs of slight warping in the timbers, onto a gravel pathway winding towards an ivy clad gondola.

You just used steps a few sentences ago. Change this to something else like stairs.

Interesting. I don't know whether I like it or not. Maybe I need more?

Mike C · 05-15-2007, 10:42 AM

LAZY LAZY LAZY!!!

If you can't even spell the bloody title right, you need more than a critique. It doesn't take much to check spelling, and you didn't bother. Sorry, but that's lazy, disrespectful and rude. If you put that little effort in, why should anyone put the effort of reading in?

Azmakna · 05-15-2007, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Heres the first paragraph of a novel i'm writing.

In the passing of a heartbeat, the world changes. Blended clouds, aluminous red, orange and yellow mark the end to a boreal day. A slow wind creeps in from the East, bringing with it a chill not present before. Pollen dances in the evening air over a small yard, the whirling steps created by the passing bodies beneath.

simple, concise and evocative. GOOD! do you draw?

A scorched fence at the side, a charred reminder of a careless barbecue, which you will sometimes smell if you get too close. Charcoal and fat, watered down by a winters worth of rain and harsh frost.
The last rays of the days sunlight filtered through onto the garden. Down the wooden steps, the low light showing up signs of slight warping in the timbers, onto a gravel pathway winding towards an ivy clad gondola. The gravel rutted and pot marked by the recent heavy footfalls of an energetic game.

why sometimes? perhaps you could mention about the winds here. not too many adjective, not too many adverbs! are you going to give me something to critique???!!!!!

The cries of "goal" echoed around the abandoned swing; a year has passed since it was last used, a fleeting reminder of childhood speeding away; and the cries resound around Madeline's head. The triumphant roar and exuberant display from Chris drill deeply into her skull and oil her already slippery emotions. In that heartbeat, from goal scored to egotistical display, Madeline knew that things could never be the same for them.
Letting the thought pass for the moment; though she would dwell on it in her diary later on; she joined in with Chris. Allowing herself a moment of childish joy and hurling abuse light heartedly, Madeline allowed Chris his moment of self importance

YEEEEE! something not quite right here, think about it. at last i've got something to do lol. i can almost feel what you wanted from me as a reader but the images get in the way. same above. .

SPELLING!!! SPELLING!!!????? who cares about that! you have a talent and that is certain. some tight prose here and with a little work they could be great! loved it

Rob · 05-15-2007, 05:00 PM

Mike's absolutely right, of course.

As an opening, it's heavy with description, which doesn't do much to hook me. I doubt that you need such heavy description here. You shift tense a couple of times too, between past and present.

You won't get much value out of a critique of your first paragraph (or five) of a novel. By the time your novel is written the first paragraph might have been rewritten a dozen times. Your time is better spent writing at this stage. Our time is better spent commenting on your novel when there's more to read.

Cheers,
Rob

Azmakna · 05-15-2007, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob

Mike's absolutely right, of course.

As an opening, it's heavy with description, which doesn't do much to hook me. I doubt that you need such heavy description here. You shift tense a couple of times too, between past and present.

You won't get much value out of a critique of your first paragraph (or five) of a novel. By the time your novel is written the first paragraph might have been rewritten a dozen times. Your time is better spent writing at this stage. Our time is better spent commenting on your novel when there's more to read.

Cheers,
Rob

3 posts rob... i hope she makes a fourth

Rob · 05-15-2007, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

3 posts rob... i hope she makes a fourth

Two of the three are abusive nonsense. What should the fourth be?

Cheers,
Rob

Azmakna · 05-15-2007, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob

Two of the three are abusive nonsense. What should the fourth be?

Cheers,
Rob

ye i saw it... oh dear. well i tried to encourage

Azmakna · 05-15-2007, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Heres the first paragraph of a novel i'm writing.

In the passing of a heartbeat, the world changes. Blended clouds, aluminous red, orange and yellow mark the end to a boreal day. A slow wind creeps in from the East, bringing with it a chill not present before. Pollen dances in the evening air over a small yard, the whirling steps created by the passing bodies beneath.
A scorched fence at the side, a charred reminder of a careless barbecue, which you will sometimes smell if you get too close. Charcoal and fat, watered down by a winters worth of rain and harsh frost.
The last rays of the days sunlight filtered through onto the garden. Down the wooden steps, the low light showing up signs of slight warping in the timbers, onto a gravel pathway winding towards an ivy clad gondola. The gravel rutted and pot marked by the recent heavy footfalls of an energetic game.
The cries of "goal" echoed around the abandoned swing; a year has passed since it was last used, a fleeting reminder of childhood speeding away; and the cries resound around Madeline's head. The triumphant roar and exuberant display from Chris drill deeply into her skull and oil her already slippery emotions. In that heartbeat, from goal scored to egotistical display, Madeline knew that things could never be the same for them.
Letting the thought pass for the moment; though she would dwell on it in her diary later on; she joined in with Chris. Allowing herself a moment of childish joy and hurling abuse light heartedly, Madeline allowed Chris his moment of self importance.

YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT!!!!! give me abuse fella because i agree with Mike

mashowasho · 05-15-2007, 06:10 PM

Well, wether you wrote this or not. Let's have a go!

In the passing of a heartbeat, the world changes. Blended clouds, aluminous red, orange and yellow mark the end to a boreal day.

WAT WAT? The only time I'd ever describe clouds as blended would be if they were in some sort of hurricane. Also, am I completely idiotic for not knowing what the hell "aluminous" and "boreal" mean? Even if they are real words, stop being so damn pretentious.
Boreal. Ha. Why does that put me in mind of a big bowl of cereal?

A slow wind creeps in from the East, bringing with it a chill not present before. Pollen dances in the evening air over a small yard, the whirling steps created by the passing bodies beneath.

Whirling steps? Dude, where did this magical pollen staircase appear from?

Charcoal and fat, watered down by a winters worth of rain and harsh frost.

Erm, what? you mean there was a stinking lump of fat and charcoal that got washed away somewhere by the rain? Oh, wait, it was watered down. So it's actually still there, just a little diluted. Keep away!

The gravel rutted and pot marked by the recent heavy footfalls of an energetic game.

OMG! BITS OF GRAVEL ARE RUTTING EACH OTHER. Where's the verb?

The cries of "goal" echoed around the abandoned swing; a year has passed since it was last used, a fleeting reminder of childhood speeding away; and the cries resound around Madeline's head.

Where did this person appear from?

The triumphant roar and exuberant display from Chris drill deeply into her skull and oil her already slippery emotions.

And then Martin showed up on his bicycle.
Maybe it's just me, but you're name-dropping without introducing the characters first.

In that heartbeat, from goal scored to egotistical display, Madeline knew that things could never be the same for them.

Oh gods. I give up.
Feel free to flame.

I might have said at one point that this isn't bad. But I do so hate useless spammers.

DavidGil · 05-15-2007, 06:14 PM

Feel free to disagree with me, but having been used to a lot of idiots on certain game forums, I believe the guy is trolling or whatever you want to call it. Might be best to just wait for the locks/deletes and ignore this post and the other?

mashowasho · 05-15-2007, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidGil

Feel free to disagree with me, but having been used to a lot of idiots on certain game forums, I believe the guy is trolling or whatever you want to call it. Might be best to just wait for the locks/deletes and ignore this post and the other?

yeah, you're probably right.

Level0123 · 05-16-2007, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT!!!!! give me abuse fella because i agree with Mike

If you want im not goingf to give it to u.

Well, new leaf. I just read my messages, well I think some of you were out of order abit, gosh im only 15, not 45. I didnt write it but me and a guy worked on it, i wrote a draft and he imroved on it.

Azmakna · 05-16-2007, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

If you want im not goingf to give it to u.

Well, new leaf. I just read my messages, well I think some of you were out of order abit, gosh im only 15, not 45. I didnt write it but me and a guy worked on it, i wrote a draft and he imroved on it.

okay fella

forgiven! now carry on writing and prepare yourself for some icy responses. do not react to these, but rather realize why. every writer gets critiqued on this forum or anywhere else they care to share their work (friends and family don't count) i liked that piece and was a bit angry that, having defended you, it turned out you didn't write it... and the other post (shhhh, perhaps it will be overlooked) carry on writing. there are a few holier than thou members and a few scolded children, but this is only text youngen, not a slap on the chops

GOOD LUCK!

Level0123 · 05-16-2007, 10:50 AM

Second Paragraph

Chris dribbled the ball towards Madeline who was surveying his every move and direction he went with the ball, he dribbled towards the terrace onto the path and back onto the grass and kicked it to the left hand side and chased it still glaring into Madeline’s eyes as she stared back. This carried on for the past five minutes, Madeline was starting to get bored and stated to hang around the goalpost drowsy and not alarmed as she was, Chris was now at the back of the garden he turned around the gondola and ran down the path towards the goal made out of his and Madeline’s school bags and jumpers, ties. Madeline jumped to alarm and started to survey the goal line once more and ran out a bit to get closer as possible without coming out the Goal boundaries. The tension started to build, by now the sun was just a gleam in the sky and the street lamps were starting to flicker on and houses of Barkside Lane, most had there lights on and some must of preferred the dark or the houses must have been deserted.