Immortle Valley - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Azmakna · 05-16-2007, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Second Paragraph

Chris dribbled the ball towards Madeline who was surveying his every move and direction he went with the ball, he dribbled towards the terrace onto the path and back onto the grass and kicked it to the left hand side and chased it still glaring into Madeline’s eyes as she stared back. This carried on for the past five minutes, Madeline was starting to get bored and stated to hang around the goalpost drowsy and not alarmed as she was, Chris was now at the back of the garden he turned around the gondola and ran down the path towards the goal made out of his and Madeline’s school bags and jumpers, ties. Madeline jumped to alarm and started to survey the goal line once more and ran out a bit to get closer as possible without coming out the Goal boundaries. The tension started to build, by now the sun was just a gleam in the sky and the street lamps were starting to flicker on and houses of Barkside Lane, most had there lights on and some must of preferred the dark or the houses must have been deserted.

this is what they call a 'run on sentence' it needs breaking up. this is also a 'run on sentence' and there are 'tense' issues too. again 'tense' there are mistakes here too.

i don't think it will do you any good if i actually edited this for you, so i've been deliberately vague here. just read up on 'run on sentenses' and 'tense' for now. things like 'must of' instead of the correct 'must have' are common problems amongst younger people. i'm going to be honest with you here. you have a long way to go. ask whoever helped you before, to help you with this and ask them about the two main issues i have highlighted. whatever happens: do not be put off by negativity. feed off it and think to yourself: 'one day i'm going to make you all eat your words' and when you get there think: 'i'm going to help younger writers because i was there myself once'

Rob · 05-16-2007, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Second Paragraph

You're going to post your entire novel one paragraph at a time for critique? Why don't you just write? This is a pointless exercise. Even at 15 years old surely you understand that.

Cheers,
Rob

Level0123 · 05-16-2007, 01:55 PM

Well considering the fisrt chapter is 5 A4 Pages long, i thought i would post it paragraph by paragraph. Plus this anit an exercise (Nt going to rant at you, but i will via PM) Plus give me advice, thats whats the sites about.

Rob · 05-16-2007, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Well considering the fisrt chapter is 5 A4 Pages long, i thought i would post it paragraph by paragraph.

Don't bother. You won't learn anything and you'd be wasting people's time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Plus this anit an exercise (Nt going to rant at you, but i will via PM)

Again, don't bother. You've posted enough childish abusive nonsense already. I have no interest in your PM and won't even read it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

Plus give me advice, thats whats the sites about.

No. You've acted like a three-year-old in your brief time here. You don't deserve my help. I imagine there are others who feel the same way, since you unloaded your abuse. You're not entitled to the advice by some right, you only get it if people like you. I don't.

Cheers,
Rob

Mike C · 05-16-2007, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Level0123

i wrote a draft and he imroved on it.

Jesus Christ Almighty how bad was it before your friend improved on it?

Level0123 · 05-17-2007, 10:45 AM

Trust me, seeing your work, i doubt it was that bad.

DavidGil · 05-17-2007, 12:06 PM

You're 15 right? And you want some advice on writing?

On the off-chance that you're not just trolling and trying to get a rise out of people here, who are from all walks of life and stages of writing. Some maybe published, others just starting and anywhere in between. All of whom you insulted. Now I'm not even going to bother critiquing your writing on here and quite frankly, I would be poor at doing that anyways as I'm still trying to learn the ropes. Now you're still reading?

My advice:

1) Don't flunk high school like me and get a grasp of the bare bones of the english language. Referencing the run along sentences here that Azmakna mentioned.

(If you flunk you'll probably find it hard to get the writing education you need. Actually you don't need it but it helps a damned lot.)

2) Remember that you're not better than anyone here and you have no right to insult them.

3) They're more experienced than you.

4) Learn to take criticism even if you don't agree with what's said.

5) Once you leave school, what's on your pieces of paper (otherwise known as certificates) count a lot. So keep that in mind if you want something better than a retail job or worse.

6) On the final point, friends and contacts mean a lot. You lost quite a lot here with your insults. People who could have helped you.

(I was going to write a long piece but decided it wasn't worth it.)

Azmakna · 05-17-2007, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidGil

You're 15 right? And you want some advice on writing?

On the off-chance that you're not just trolling and trying to get a rise out of people here, who are from all walks of life and stages of writing. Some maybe published, others just starting and anywhere in between. All of whom you insulted. Now I'm not even going to bother critiquing your writing on here and quite frankly, I would be poor at doing that anyways as I'm still trying to learn the ropes. Now you're still reading?

My advice:

1) Don't flunk high school like me and get a grasp of the bare bones of the english language. Referencing the run along sentences here that Azmakna mentioned.

(If you flunk you'll probably find it hard to get the writing education you need. Actually you don't need it but it helps a damned lot.)

2) Remember that you're not better than anyone here and you have no right to insult them.

3) They're more experienced than you.

4) Learn to take criticism even if you don't agree with what's said.

5) Once you leave school, what's on your pieces of paper (otherwise known as certificates) count a lot. So keep that in mind if you want something better than a retail job or worse.

6) On the final point, friends and contacts mean a lot. You lost quite a lot here with your insults. People who could have helped you.

(I was going to write a long piece but decided it wasn't worth it.)

leve0123 please listen to this advice! i will not attack you if you attack me because that makes me look as bad, but what i will do is try my hardest to point you in the right direction. like i said above, consentrate on run on sentences and tense. once you have these sorted, we'll move on to other details... okay? keep posting, don't bite. it's taken me the best part of thirty years to get as good as some of the very young posters on this forum, but that hasn't put me off. writing is a life not a hobby

UNDEAD · 05-17-2007, 01:32 PM

First of all, would someone be so kind as to direct me to the posts where he attacked people and such, I dont spend alot of time on these forums right now.

Seeing as you havn't done anything to me yet, Ill review your story.

When I read it I can actually picture the scene in my mind, which is usually hard to get me to do. Unfortunately the posts feel as if they were snatched out of something larger. You might have more success if you post the whole chapter, because the paragraphs that you have here don't seem to be consecutive. I read the paragraphs as if you have grabbed them out of the air as the were slipping away and only caught parts of a story. Anyway, you have very good imagery, ahve you thought of writing poetry?

DavidGil · 05-17-2007, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UNDEAD

First of all, would someone be so kind as to direct me to the posts where he attacked people and such, I dont spend alot of time on these forums right now.

Seeing as you havn't done anything to me yet, Ill review your story.

When I read it I can actually picture the scene in my mind, which is usually hard to get me to do. Unfortunately the posts feel as if they were snatched out of something larger. You might have more success if you post the whole chapter, because the paragraphs that you have here don't seem to be consecutive. I read the paragraphs as if you have grabbed them out of the air as the were slipping away and only caught parts of a story. Anyway, you have very good imagery, ahve you thought of writing poetry?

To find the insults, would be kinda hard as the posts and the thread made solely to insult have dissapeared.

My post Level0123, I tried to aim at someone that at high school thinks he's better than everyone else and likes to pick on others. So with that in mind even if I'm wrong, I tried to give help to you not relating to writing though it is also linked. Believe me also, if you are the type I think you are, then I know what happens after you leave school or tends to.

That said, I will take it back and I apologise if I'm wrong.

Edit: It is valid advice whether I'm right or wrong about you also and for anyone at high school I guess in my mind.

Jolly McJollyson · 05-18-2007, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

SPELLING!!! SPELLING!!!????? who cares about that!

Great writers.

Azmakna · 05-18-2007, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jolly McJollyson

Great writers.

context

i listened to a piano player the other day and he just blew me away with the sound of his style, but when he told me he couldn't read music, i thought: 'call yourself a musician!'

sierra alpha · 05-18-2007, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mashowasho

In the passing of a heartbeat, the world changes. Blended clouds, aluminous red, orange and yellow mark the end to a boreal day.

WAT WAT? The only time I'd ever describe clouds as blended would be if they were in some sort of hurricane. Also, am I completely idiotic for not knowing what the hell "aluminous" and "boreal" mean? Even if they are real words, stop being so damn pretentious.
Boreal. Ha. Why does that put me in mind of a big bowl of cereal?

Just for future reference, "aluminous" and "boreal" are both perfectly legitimate words. "Aluminous" basically refers to anything containing or made up of aluminium or any of its variants (science stuff - I won't pretend to understand). "Boreal" refers to the north wind, or northerly elements, or something along those lines. From the Latin borealis, and relating to some kind of Greek god chap called Boreas, who controlled northerly winds (fun job).

Of course, whether or not these words are used correctly is another matter entirely.

Jolly McJollyson · 05-18-2007, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

context

i listened to a piano player the other day and he just blew me away with the sound of his style, but when he told me he couldn't read music, i thought: 'call yourself a musician!'

I'd say that's different. If he told you he couldn't tell a bad note from a good one, then you'd be paralleling the spelling issue.

Azmakna · 05-18-2007, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jolly McJollyson

I'd say that's different. If he told you he couldn't tell a bad note from a good one, then you'd be paralleling the spelling issue.

lol... okay, stalemate