Truth from Above (bit corny title?) - Writers Forum

teej101 · 05-11-2007, 11:41 AM

I want to write a story about a UFO crash landing. But I want to approach it not from the little green men, and the threat to humanity and the cover up stuff. I want it to be an event that all of humanity sees (so no cover up), and it's not so much about the aliens, as it is about the realization that we're not alone, and also the fighting and stuff over the UFO and how our nature takes over.

So the general idea is a pretty large UFO crashes in/on London.

I've come up with a draft (very short) first chapter that I love feedback on. I tend to keep my chapters short because it turns out I'm a bit of a sensationalist author and I like cliffhangers. I've also uploaded it onto portrayl - so comments there too would be good, so I can finalize and go onto chapter 2

Without further ado....
-----------------------

Dr Neil trotted along the pavement leading away from the observatory. A warm breeze caressed her face and the floor lights illuminated her path back to the car park. It was a beautiful night, and although she was tired, she enjoyed the walk. she had spent most of the evening with the telescope as part of her research into extra-galactic supernovae. there was something about working alone in an observatory that appealed to her. She felt a more profound feeling looking at the stars alone, something that amplified humanity's condition. Looking up she held onto the thought. The constellations were as familiar to her as the alphabet.

Tonight she noticed something was slightly different. Could something have been glistening where it shouldn't have been? She wasn't exactly sure about what had piqued her interest. It couldn't have been a plane - this part of Halifax wasn't a route for jets. Cursing herself for her inquisitive nature she took a look back at the observatory. She also considered a nice hot chocolate, and a warm comfy bed, her body disappearing beneath silk sheets. There was only one winner; she hated herself as she trudged back up the pavement to the observatory.

Valzar · 05-12-2007, 12:52 PM

Quote:

although she was tried

Should be "although she was tired"

That's it except for some capitalization issues. I think I like it! I like short chapters. More stopping places. Oh... You don't use semi colons with an "and" after them. So....

Quote:

There was only one winner; and she hated...

Take out the "and."

teej101 · 05-14-2007, 10:01 AM

Hi Valzar

thanks for the corrections - Will get underway with chapter 2 soon

ArcticFox · 05-14-2007, 11:00 AM

I like it so far. Something tells me there should be something between paragraphs one and two, maybe a bit of background information or filler to smooth over the transition of the two.

Azmakna · 05-14-2007, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teej101

I want to write a story about a UFO crash landing. But I want to approach it not from the little green men, and the threat to humanity and the cover up stuff. I want it to be an event that all of humanity sees (so no cover up), and it's not so much about the aliens, as it is about the realization that we're not alone, and also the fighting and stuff over the UFO and how our nature takes over.

So the general idea is a pretty large UFO crashes in/on London.

I've come up with a draft (very short) first chapter that I love feedback on. I tend to keep my chapters short because it turns out I'm a bit of a sensationalist author and I like cliffhangers. I've also uploaded it onto portrayl - so comments there too would be good, so I can finalize and go onto chapter 2

Without further ado....
-----------------------

Dr Neil trotted along the pavement leading away from the observatory. A warm breeze caressed her face and the floor lights illuminated her path back to the car park. It was a beautiful night, and although she was tired, she enjoyed the walk. she had spent most of the evening with the telescope as part of her research into extra-galactic supernovae. there was something about working alone in an observatory that appealed to her. She felt a more profound feeling looking at the stars alone, something that amplified humanity's condition. Looking up she held onto the thought. The constellations were as familiar to her as the alphabet.

when i read 'Dr Neil' and saw 'caressed her hair' i flicked back to check if i read it correctly. is she trotting or walking? i think i know what you mean here, but only 'think' do you mean it makes you realise how small we are in the scheme of things?

Tonight she noticed something was slightly different. Could something have been glistening where it shouldn't have been? She wasn't exactly sure about what had piqued her interest. It couldn't have been a plane - this part of Halifax wasn't a route for jets. Cursing herself for her inquisitive nature she took a look back at the observatory. She also considered a nice hot chocolate, and a warm comfy bed, her body disappearing beneath silk sheets. There was only one winner; she hated herself as she trudged back up the pavement to the observatory.

i do this all the time, but they don't usually make it through to my second draft. is it needed? why so much doubt? surely she would know what was different. so it was something in the sky that was glistening? why did she curse her curiosity, wouldn't that be the very thing that brought her to the stars in the first place? but what has really happened to make her change her mind so dramatically and why is she thinking of comfort when the observatory is clearly the place she loves?

a simple scene that needs a whole lot of story. i wouldn't worry too much about a title yet, but yes, it is corny. wait! this is a whole chapter!? expand it and lead us up to the event and tell us more about Neil.