an Untitled something - Writers Forum

A Glass Thought · 05-10-2007, 02:02 AM

A glimpse at the beginning of something that I'm excited to be working on. For some reason I got nervous about it's quality so I'm putting it here to get some honest feedback. anything you say helps.

Chapter 1.

A small speckled frog sunbathed on the rock closest to the lake.
Its tan skin and dotted back blended with the algae riddled stone on which he sat. Rey watched with slight curiosity at how this small creature could do what he could never do: blend in and disappear, invisible to all that might cause him harm.

Rey himself was a dull brown eyesore against the green grass on which he sat. His legs were streaked with mud and lined with fine red scratches from walking through brambles. His shorts were equally dirty and frayed at the ends. Near his crotch there was a small rip which could only get worse as time went by. His chest and back were bare; Dirt was streaked with sweat and his skin was tan and burnt at the shoulders. His shirt was instead tied around his forehead to keep both hair and sweat from his eyes. Hands, rough and his fingernails chewed down. The only thing soft about him was his eyes; cool green with golden flecks that caught the sunlight.

He moved closer to the bank, dipping his right foot(the one with no sandal) into the water. It was cold and he could sense the frog on the rock nearby tense up. Neither of them moved for a full minute. Then the frog, believing that he had pushed his luck next to this unknown creature, hopped amongst the gravel and grass at the lake's feet, disappearing in speckle and sand.

Rey removed his one sandal and dipped his other leg into the water, sliding across the grass until both legs were submerged at the knee. The small cuts burned at the touch. Beneath the water the dark outlines of fish darted about. occasionally coming close enough to the surface so that the sun reflects off their scales. Eyeing the fish, he pulled his small knife from it's casing that was hooked onto his belt loop. he placed the knife next to him on the ground. there was a long thin chain attached to the hilt of the blade that ended in a small lead weight that rested at the bottom of the knife's casing.

From his one good pocket he pulled out a harmonica and began to play.

Low notes softly crawled out and crescendo'd. Music slowly crawled across the water as he let his right foot slowly sway. Green/gold eyes stayed fixed on the water just past his dancing foot. As anticipated a few small fish came closer to examine him, drawn by the music and motion. Rey continued to sway and continued to play, his lips began to tingle, pausing for breathe, he licked them between notes. Fish began to nibble but he didn't kick them off. To the callused bottom of his foot they felt like tiny infant fingers trying to pinch stone. He was so interested in the little one sucking on his small toe that he almost didn’t see the much larger fish coming closer and closer. His left hand dropped to his knife which sat on the grass and he played and danced and waited until the big one was just above his left foot, which had spent it's time settled in the lake bed, hidden like the frog. Then with one swift motion foot and fish rocketed out of the water. The fish, with a great blue streak on its belly, cleared the surface by maybe two feet, which was enough. Rey threw the blade and it caught the blue fish close to the tail. Confused and injured it thrashed about, scaring all other marine life away. Even the frog (which had been hidden till now) began to hop further away.

Rey pulled in his catch, his stomach cheered as hunger set in. Leaving his catch by the lake, he walked to what was one of maybe twelve trees in this clearing. It was large and old, maybe four hundred years. Hi ripped off bark and branches for fire. Then, he started climbing. Thirty feet up, about three fourths to the top of the old oak, he stared westward. The city of Canon sat on the horizon. It wasn't his destination but it was apparently where he would stop. Questions needed answering.

His right hand was tingling all over and then sharp needles stabbed his fingers. He looked to see that it was covered in ants. Without thinking, Rey let go of the branch and started brushing off his hand. He fell, four branches slowing his descent until he landed hard on his back and feet. He was too sore to do anything but laugh. He gathered his wood and prepared his catch for dinner.

Chapter 2.

Morning came unreasonably fast. The sunlight tingled across burnt skin as he rolled over in the grass. His right hand had been in the lake itself and at some point in the night he had urinated because his pants were damp and warm between his legs. He took them off and did his best to wash away whatever foul smells the fabric held in the lake. He laid them down on the grass next to his harmonica and knife as he jumped in and scrubbed as much dirt off his naked body as possible.

How long have I been in these woods, living from moment to moment, tracking shadows across dry leaves and dirt. Beyond Canon, beyond the desert...I'll find her there.

The wind shifted and Rey heard footsteps on the gravel and sand at the waters edge. Instinctively he thought about his knife before remembering it on the grass next to his clothes. If this person wanted to kill me they could have done so by now. He thought taking a deep breath, and then turned.

Next to his damp shorts stood a dark thin man. His round head was shaved bald and his body had no hair save the sparse black beard at his chin. There was a cold stare in his eyes(all dark like black glass) and a smile on his lips. They both stood there, not because they were frightened or at a loss for words. Rey, caught in the less dominant end of the encounter knew it was best to pick his words wisely or let the other speak. The stranger was just staring and smiling, surveying him the way a person would examine a creature in a cage; watching to see what it would do next. For a moment Rey thought he could feel him in his mind.

"Who are you and what is it you want?" Rey spoke at last. His tone showed no hint of fear or doubt, but the man's smile only increased exposing two rows of small white teeth. He sat down and picked up the knife, it's chain dragged across the
grass. Rey opened his mouth to speak again but he was cut off.

"Why don't you ask yourself that question? Tell me Rey, who are you and what do you want" He pointed towards him with the knife, then tossed it to the ground.

"What do you mean? And how do you know my name? Have you been following me?"

"Following you? Well yes, for a few days now. But that still doesn't answer any of these questions we have floating around now does it. Who are you Rey, and what do you want?" He picked up the harmonica now and held it up to eye level, staring through the holes. Then started playing. The notes were off key and without any rhythm.

"You've been following me just so you could catch me off guard and ask riddles? who are you? I know who I am, I'm Rey Allam-"

Are you sure? Came a reply.

"Yes I'm-" Rey stopped realizing that the music hand never broken. That the man had spoken without using sound.
"You can hear my thoughts can't you?”

Oh good, you're learning. Now I can see you want to ask me who I am again but let me interject for a moment, because as I've been saying for quite some time now is that who I am isn't important, it's who you are?

I'm Rey Allam. From Kolhari, in the west. He thought.

Are you sure? What tells you that this is who you are and where you are from?

My memories. I remember My mother. Her face, her smell, the way she scolded us for playing with our food. I remember my father, who taught me how to use a knife and who I helped in the fields whenever the harvest came. I remember the smell of the ocean when the wind came from the north.

Do you remember the face of your brother?

I have no brother.

Are you sure, before you said your mother scolded "us" which implies someone other than yourself.

I... that was a mistake. I have no brother. A sensation of falling tried to overtake him. Rey could feel the stranger in his mind, changing things.... You're altering my memories!

I am. I can continue doing so. I could erase the world you know and give you a new life. Or, I could find you in the woods one day and make it so that when you woke you believed you were on some journey to a far off destination and follow you as you spent weeks traveling the woods. He stopped playing the harmonica, his smile gone.
"Tell me, man who calls himself Rey, who are you?"

In his head he heard laughter. No, how could this...why? Are these memories really false? a slight panic crawls into his gut. Who am I? Why?

"Because, I need you to do something for me. The destination you've been traveling to is real and so is the woman at the end." he placed the harmonica besides the knife and his clothes then stood.

"Why tell me all this when I was heading there already."

Because whether you believe me or not you should know that I don't take pleasure in robbing a human of their life.

Liar.

Okay fine, it’s fun, it is. You're all so simple minded that I could turn that whole city into a population of psychotics who believed themselves to be cats. I've made men walk off of cliffs or into the depths of the ocean, and I can do the same for you. I could always begin again with another but you've come this far that I'm rewarding you with a small piece of honesty. Because some plans have changed. You are not to pass through Canon. There is a boy there, about 15, I need him too. You will know him from his eyes. One green, one blue.

"So that's it, get the kid? Then what?" Asked Rey, the man chuckled a little, and then walked away.

Then do as you've been doing, follow your memories.....

Rey ran, grabbed his knife, and threw it hard and straight, towards the back of the mans bald head. At the last second, he tilted his neck a few degrees to the left, the blade went whizzing past his ear. He turned and looked back, black eyes all fire.

And remember, man called Rey, you cannot hope to surprise someone who knows your every thought, no matter how hard you try.

He disappeared amongst the trees.

For a few minutes Rey just stood there. He dressed himself, picked up his harmonica and knife. Are these things even really mine? where did I get them? he tried to remember, but couldn't. where did I learn to play? Again, nothing. He sat near the lake maybe another ten minutes and then headed towards the city.

Chapter 3

Coral awoke slowly, shaking off the nightmare of the previous night. Visions of a past no one could fathom danced slowly down to the bottom of his consciousness; A waltz that was all bloodshed and hate and love.

“Kid-boy, dreaming again? Wake up!” Came Spider’s voice through the wire meshed roof above him. The hatch swung open and sunlight poured in. He could make out just the shaggy silhouette at first, then Spider’s squinty eyes; his hand stretched out to him, helping him up.

Shaking the dream away, he locked grips and hoisted himself up and out of his cell.

They stood on the roof of what was an old butcher’s shop. Sleeping quarters with rooftop access? Spider’s idea. Given his appearance it was understandable.

“So kid-boy, these dreams like the other ones? The strange ones?” His voice was gritty and dry like the sandpaper woodworkers used to smooth down rough edges.

“Yeah.” Coral replied, recalling the images again and trying to sort them out and file them into some sort of order. He watched Spider light a hand-rolled cigarette, holding the match between the two good fingers of his left hand. His hair was coarse and long, most of it pulled back and held by a faded strip of denim. The nails on his right hand(the good hand) were chewed down to nubs. Unlike his malformed left(which was rough and callused like the rest of him), his right hand was smooth and nimble. His dark eyes were spaced just a hair to far apart and crowned with two dominating eyebrows.

Anyone looking at Spider would assume he him to be like all the other abnormals: dumb down to the core and fit for only the most basic grunt labor. And like other abnormal people, it is what he grew up doing. When he was thirteen Spider escaped from his camp and lived on the streets: eating garbage and sleeping on rooftops. Somewhere around then he learned how to read and write, becoming a poet whose work is widely accepted even while Spider himself remains a social outcast.

This was Spider’s past, and Coral could see it all in an instant.

“Hey Coral, you listening?” Spider’s tone slightly irritated. “What did you see? The dreams?”

“First there was a room full of men in suits. And women. They were talking about advances in propulsion systems and traveling between stars.” Coral spoke softly. “Then there were wars in the desert. Men killing each other, lots of heat and pain. Lots of confusion… Killin for someone they called God. No one was really winning. Spider, who is God?”

“Was that all?”

“No there was more. A man in a room full of glass and light and odd machines. Him and a woman were arguing and then she….”

“She what? She killed him?”

“She blinded him, but out of love. Why would she? I don’t like thinking about it.”

Neither of them spoke for a while.

“Whose memories are these that you’re seeing? Some of these things seem like they’ve happened a very long time ago. Wars in the desert… there hasn’t been a war in any desert in, well, longer than I can remember. Even longer than history tells us.”

“Spider, who is God?”

A pause.

“God is a word nobody uses anymore. I heard it once from a very old man when I was a little younger than yourself. God is a word for the creator of all things, what we call Divine.”

“Do you think it could be her? Showing me her memories? How else could they be so old and so strange?”

“Maybe. I’ll tell you what kid-boy, nothing has been normal since you’ve come under my care. I both love you and hate you for that. You’re my muse Coral, and an astonishing one at that.” Spider put out his cigarette and made his way towards the ladder at the rooftops edge. Coral followed.

They climbed down some twenty feet(half the building’s height) and into an open window. Spider flipped on the lights in the kitchen and began searching through cabinets until he pulled out two glass cups. He halted.

“The man, the one who was blinded, what did he look like?”

“He was dark and bald with a black beard. She did something to his eyes, turned them black like pits. Why would she do that? And the love she felt was horrible.”

“Try not to think about it. Today you’ll be busy, we’re out of food. Also, see what news you can pick up while you’re out.”

After filling both glasses with water he handed one to Coral and drank the other. Then Spider reached into another cabinet and pulled out a piece of paper. It was heavy with wrinkles and yellowing with age. He jotted down a list and handed it off to Coral who waited patiently.

“Be careful Coral, if you see that man, with the black eyes, you run.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know much about him, or even who he is. But I’ve heard a few stories, none of them good. And whoever sent you these dreams, whether it be some old widow on the north side of town or Divine herself. Whoever, they sent them for a reason.”

“Okay.”

“And try not to waste all day with that girl. Think I don’t know!” Spider called after, but Coral had already taken the list and was heading down the rope ladder at the window that descends into the alley.

ghent96 · 05-11-2007, 10:51 AM

Your mission:

Step 1: Go to a pool or pond or river, preferrably one of the latter two, stand knee-deep, waggling or whatever one foot around, and see if fish actually come up to you while you're moving.

Step 2: Play music for the fish, and see if it attracts them

Step 3: fish or not, try to switch your balance from right waggling foot to left stationary foot now buried in an inch or two of nice soft mud from your waggling and natural body sway, and kick your left foot up and out of the water as fast as you can.

Hate to break it to you, but all 3 will utterly fail. I don't think you know the reality of things outdoors, or have spent enough time fishing or outdoors.

Fish like quiet. Fish like stillness. Fish are designed specifically to move through water fast. Humans are not. Human feet are not. Water has many times more resistance to movement than air, thus all your movements are slower, much slower. Toes do not look like worms, nor anything else that a fish eats. If you stand perfectly still, yes, fish may eventually come up. They like the chemicals, salt, etc, taste on your skin. Chemical "scents" travel much faster and at smaller concentrations through water than air, same with sound. Harmonica, talking, even footsteps walking along a bank = loud sounds to fish.

Please give a little more thought and research here, before writing. If you argue that this part of the story really isn't that crucial or big enough to warrant such research and worry... then cut out this part of the story ;p

A Glass Thought · 05-11-2007, 03:09 PM

You bring up a good point, how water resistance makes actually catching a fish while swimming damn near impossible. And to think of trying something like kicking a fish out of water while standing knee deep in it, alternating balance in some ackward "dance of the fish."
Yeah, it borders on ridiculous.
Either I left out a detail or you read wrong, but he isn't standing in the water, he's sitting at the bank, feet in. So his balance is all on his ass.
Granted this doesn't count much against water resistance. His kick would be much more graceful and slice a little faster, but he'd be lucky to make any sort of contact with an aquatic animal. But if I was writing for sitting, and you translated standing, then something needs to be re-worked.
and unless I'm willing to throw in "super-human reflexes" into Rey's bag of tricks then I'll have to come back to the fish scene and either have him catch a fish a more mundane way or have him hunt something else entirely.
Thanks for letting me know that that particular scene was an odd read.

But enough about the damn fish. anyone going to say anything about all that's written so far?

TheNextOne · 05-11-2007, 06:19 PM

I got that the character was standing, not sitting as well.

Over all I feel your prose have numerous redundancies from sentence to sentence, as though you expect the reader can't remember--or just that you yourself can't remember--what they just read.

" Low notes softly crawled out and crescendo'd. Music slowly crawled across the water as he let his right foot slowly sway."

You use crawled twice and slowly twice in two side by side sentences. It's technically fine, however a little more spice to your verbiage might be helpful.

It detracts from getting lost in the imagery of your prose so much that the reader is practically forced to move along. And by move along I mean to other books or posts on the forum.

Okay, how would I have done those two sentences any better? I don't think I can do something better, but I know I can do it more effeciently. My version (and feel free to use this or an amalgamation of it) goes like this:

"Low keyed notes softly crawled from the harmonica, rising to crescendo. The music slowly spread over the water as his right foot swayed lazily in the cold water."

See, you can mix it up a little, get creative.

Those are my only suggestions and comments. Hope this helps.

A Glass Thought · 05-12-2007, 04:46 AM

I'm glad you brought that to my attention. I hate using the same descriptive words or phrases in the same sentence, or back to back like that. Usually I feel odd using something like that twice or more in the same paragraph. So I know what you mean by it affecting how a reader sees it. You drop the story and you see the words "crawled" and "slowly" over and over and the whole thing comes to a halt.
So seeing that in my own writing makes me wonder what the hell happened there. Either my mind didn't want to give me another way to write that or I figured one or two odd sentences wouldn't hurt the overall piece.

I know nobody likes to hear bad news but I wouldn't of posted this if I didn't think that it needed some sort of work, so really all it's doing is giving me more confidence that I can turn this into something really worthwhile.

So the more feedback the better.

Also, it's been about 6 months since I've been on these forums and I'm not intending to pop on just to get what I need then jet. We're all here to get feedback on our numerous projects, so I'll be making the rounds and giving my opinions too.