snapjiggyfluff

hey, just wrote this rough draft in about 30 minutes, I'd like to see what you think. First time I've done anything like this so any comments appreciated.

Decisions.


PROLOGUE:

27th June 2008


Darkness. Nothing else, just darkness. How did it come to this, to his impending death? How many split second decisions, how many “hellos”, “goodbyes”, “good days”, “turn left at the next junction, take a right turn off the roundabout, straight ahead for several years, and take a sudden left. Here we are, death, please make sure you have all belongings on your person before you depart your life, I hope you have had a pleasant ride.” All of that, for this, for misery and pain. Joe curled himself into a ball and prepared to die.

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1st June 2008



Joe barged through the crowds, glancing at his watch while dodging the skinny latte bearing women, 09.34. Late, again. 3rd time this week. The prof wasn’t going to be happy, again. The lion flanked double doors came into view as Joe began to apply the brakes. He stopped outside the door, straightening his collar and brushing the faint sheen of perspiration off his forehead. He took a deep breath and stepped in.

“Late. Again” Smiles began to appear on some student’s faces, another episode of their favourite daily soap opera. “Sorry sir, I was just” “Just nothing! Sit down! And I even hear a squeak out of you…” Straightening his tie. “Let’s just say I will not be held accountable for my actions” Joe nodded and moved on down the row, looking for seat. He saw room beside Mike and Caragh bit he knew he wouldn’t be able to resist a wisecrack. He kept his head down and kept moving. He saw a seat beside a guy he’d never seen before. He slumped in beside mystery guy and, much to the profs desires, quelled the desire to squeak.

At the end of the lecture Joe jumped up and began to make his way eagerly towards Mike and Caragh. “Hey.” Joe turned around. “I’ve got those notes from the beginning of the lecture if you want.” Joe nodded his approval. “Thanks, that’d be great.” Joe stretched out his hand. “My names Joe.” A broad smile broke out across mystery guys face. “Nice to meet you. My names Joe too”

rosenthalpiano

Umm... what happened in between? And why do you have your June 27th events come BEFORE the June 1st events? What is the "misery" and "pain"? You can really expand on this and turn it into more of a story. Right now there's not much going on.

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If you add a little to a little, and then do it again, soon that little shall be much. - Hesiod

If I critique you, please return the favor.

Prologue: In The Tower
Chapter One: Feathers in a Hat
Chapter Two: A Wooden Box
Chapter Three: Her Majesty

snapjiggyfluff

I probably should have been clearer. The first part is a prologue, and then the next part is the beginning of the story, and your right, I don't really know where I'm going with this story!!!

UNDEAD

You should try to write longer parts. With a longer first chapter (is that even a chapter?), you would be able to clear alot of things up. Also, if this was to indeed become a story, you might want to fill in a little more details. Even for the small part of the lecture, you could describe sopmething like the topic of the prof's discussion. You also might want to try separating the speaches. When a new person talks, start a new paragraph. The easiest way to do it is to simple start a new paragraph everytime someone talks, unless it is a continuation of what a character just said.

EG- “My names Joe.” A broad smile broke out across mystery guys face. “Nice to meet you. My names Joe too”

This should be written as:

"My name's Joe."
A broad smile broke out across the mystery guy's face. "Nice to meet you. My name's Joe too."

-/
Just something to watch for when you write

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