Hey again, firstly I wanted to say that I appreciated everyone's critique and feedback. I took everything on board as best I could and decided to rewrite the prologue which I know some of you may not like with going to the trouble of providing feedback. However I spotted inconsistencies with quite a lot along with errors etc. when I re-read the piece of writing, especially after I'd posted it here and read the comments. It's kinda hard for me to get everything right having no background, never taking classes and basically not doing very well at school but I think this is better now and I'm definately improving.
I read through the re-write with someone else so the mistakes should be minimal. I guess you know how it is, what sounds right to you might not sound correct to others.
Anyways I'm rambling. I'm aware that the scene where he meets up with his wife could maybe have some more added to it and possibly the fight scene needs re-working. Fights I actually find quite hard at the moment to write or difficult you could say. About not giving information on things such as races, its done on purpose. I kinda prefer to let people find out about things as they go. Anyway I'm working on the first chapter now and here's the re-write of the prologue in it's entirety:
A smile crept onto his face. Standing atop one of the many rolling and lush green hills of the area, Illandris found his eyes settling on a familiar sight. At first, with the soft breeze of the wind blowing gently across his face, he had to remind himself this was no dream. This was reality, no longer a figment of his imagination created so vividly in his sleep.
He remembered one occasion on the road in The Deadlands. One of the people he’d travelled with had questioned him as to why a smile was permanently etched upon his face during his slumbers. He had answered that he thought of his family and home often while asleep. Home, no longer a dream.
Finally I am here. How I’ve missed these sights, he thought.
A vast expanse of tall trees spread out before him for many miles, their boughs rich with lovely green leafs. They seemed to call to him, enticing him to hurry home. It was almost as though the limbs of the trees reached out to grab him and take him inside the forest. Above the canopy of the trees and below the clear blue sky, rose a hazy pillar of smoke. His thoughts reeled to that location helplessly to the exclusion of others. As beautiful as the forest seemed, he knew there was something else that made the prospect of being home ever more tantalising and richer.
My family, it has been much too long.
Smiling, he took his first steps down the hill. He had often pictured the scene when he finally returned home during his time away. The cabin stood isolated alone within a clearing, with his wife waiting there. Her looks not affected by the cruel passage of time, as beautiful as the first time he had laid eyes upon her when she had enchanted him so. In fact, he knew that conjuring an image in his mind would be no substitute for seeing her in the flesh.
No dream could ever live up to reality.
His thoughts drifted from his wife, as he entered the forest.
How I’ve missed the opportunity to hold my children in my arms and to watch them grow. He smiled.
Arisil, I hope I haven’t missed you taking your first steps. Beyond anything else, that was what he hoped the most for. Seeing Karn, his other son take his first steps had been one of the most monumental occasions in his life.
Passing through the forest, he came across a deer grazing peacefully, it’s wet and small black nose nestled within the foliage. The deer raised its head sensing his presence, watching him for a moment with its large dark eyes before returning to foraging.
Such a welcome sight. It has been ages since a creature has felt no urge to attack me, he thought to himself before proceeding onwards. His time in The Deadlands had been fraught with danger, with hardly a friendly denizen living there.
After leaving the forest trail that he’d took for a while, he found himself away from where people normally walked. Trees tall and imposing around him, the smell of smoke mixing with the scent of meat cooking entered his nostrils. Heading in the direction of the source, he entered a clearing with a solitary cabin situated in the middle yet it wasn’t the cabin that dominated the scene.
Beside a cooking pot in front of the cabin, presiding over the meal stood a woman. Her dress light blue with a white apron wrapped around her waist. Her figure was neither thin nor fat. Instead, her figure lay somewhere comfortably in the middle. Her lovely golden blonde hair flowing gracefully down her back made Illandris catch his breath.
Ever so much more beautiful than I remembered… “Kiresa!” he yelled after finally finding the words.
Turning, his wife looked at him. She seemed frozen for a moment studying him, though that soon changed. Her long slender face unmarred by the passage of time seeming at first shocked then fragmented instead into a vision of sheer joy. “Illandris!” she yelled rushing over to embrace him with open arms. Wrapping her arms around him in a rush of happiness, she nearly knocked him from his feet. “We missed you. I feared…”
He put a finger to her lips in mid sentence, to silence her. “I’m here now,” he said softly before also wrapping his arms around her tightly. Her hair felt so good, so lovely and soft running through his fingers and warmth swelled throughout his entire body taking his mind away completely from everything else in the embrace.
How could I have ever left my love and children? He asked himself this question oblivious to his surroundings.
The madness that is duty to king and country, which drives men to do what they do not wish, he concluded sighing softly still enveloped deeply in the embrace.
“How I’ve missed you my love,” he said quietly. He removed one hand from around her, to cup her chin. Raising her head gently to look at him for the first time since the embrace, he stared. Eyes fixed on her beautiful face; he saw tears streaming down her cheeks. With the same hand, he wiped the tears away. “Tears do not befit you, my love. Even if they are tears of joy,” he continued still wiping the tears away as she smiled.
Eyes closing, his lips touched against hers in a tender kiss. Tasting the sweetness of her lips against his own with tongues entwined, he concluded then and there he would fight duty’s call whenever he was called on again until the very last moment before leaving.
Pulling away after a long moment, Kiresa put her arms around his neck and looked him directly in the eyes. “I hope you will be with us for quite some time befo…”
Why has she stopped? Why does she have that look? Her face had quickly drifted from one of happiness to one of fright. Feeling her body quiver as her eyes settled on something behind him, he found his unspoken question answered. “Behind you…” she said answering his unspoken question regardless as he turned around.
Taking her hand protectively, he saw what her eyes had seen.
Damn it, how in the abyss did I not notice them? Cursing, he forced Kiresa backwards as he retreated slowly towards the cabin.
In front of him, stood six Morgat mounted on horseback. Their armour as black as night itself, mainly comprised of chain mail. They had the usual characteristics of their race with pale skin and looked like humans with the exception of this detail.
One stood out amongst them. Dismounting, keeping a firm grip of his horse’s reins, this one stepped forward with his plate armour clanking. “Didn’t want to disturb your little reunion ranger,” he said with his voice muffled by the horned helmet covering his features. His shoulder plates were spiked, as were his arm guards. They were sharp enough to be used as a weapon effectively in combat. The armour itself was also scaled, in a decorative manner while appearing battered due to the rigors of fighting. A red cloak also hung at his back running the full length from his shoulders down to just above his feet.
“What do you want?” asked Illandris with his thoughts reeling.
“You…” said the leader pausing and moving his hands in the air to order the other Morgat to surround the cabin while keeping two behind him. “And now that we’ve discovered your lovely little companion here, her too.”
Bastard, he swore.
I won’t let anything happen to my family. “Don’t you dare touch her you bastard. You have no quarrel with her.”
“Never stopped you from butchering our people ranger. Anyone you hold dear to your heart I have a quarrel with,” continued the leader stepping forwards. “It’s not as though you can stop me taking what I want either.”
How could I have been so careless? I led them straight to my family! What should be a moment of happiness that he and his family rightly deserved, he instead found himself filled with dread and hate. “Go to the children Kiresa. Keep them safe,” he said with his voice barely above a whisper. The tone of his voice was a mix of concern laced with a hint of anger. The anger aimed at the Morgat and himself for having been careless in leading them here.
“No…” she said with her voice distraught with emotion laying a hand on his shoulder. “I can’t leave you.”
“Go now!” he barked and watched over his shoulder as she left his side crying. He waited until the cabin door shut loudly behind her before turning his gaze to the Morgat leader again.
“How touching,” taunted the leader. As those muffled words left his helmet, he drew a great sword from the scabbard strapped to his back. The sword’s hilt was golden and held a red ruby embedded within the centre. “Draw your weapon ranger, unless you don’t wish to defend yourself,” continued the leader as he methodically stalked forwards slowly.
Illandris growled. He removed the burden of the bow hanging over his left shoulder, letting it drop to the floor. With the sound of metal scraping against metal, he reached under his cloak unsheathing his sword. “I have never killed any innocents!” he said loudly in a futile effort to end this without fighting. “Leave now and you walk away free, with your lives!”
A muffled laugh escaped the leader’s helmet, one that was both wicked and mocking sounding. “You scare me not ranger. We’ll soon be done here with you and your pretty companion, then back home before the authorities realise what has happened here.”
Their swords met tentatively. Swords touching, they tested each other preparing to enter the dance of death. He found his thoughts weren’t fully devoted to his opponent and were instead split between the leader and his family holed up within the cabin fearing for his safety.
He didn’t notice the Morgat leader’s plated boot come up to kick him in the gut, with their swords still touching. Falling, he landed on the ground hard though he bounded back up to his feet quickly picking his sword up.
Not again, he told himself keeping his eyes fixed on the leader and trying to keep his thoughts on the fight.
Winded and struggling to breathe, he found himself ducking an over reaching swipe of the Morgat’s sword threatening to cut him in two. Barely he made it, as he felt the blade cut through the air just above him. Illandris thrust his sword out in front connecting on his opponent yet not as he he’d hoped. Instead of piercing the armour and finding flesh underneath, his weapon caught in between one of the scales of the Morgat’s armour and was deflected aside harmlessly.
Damn it, he cursed having failed to find the Morgat’s underbelly.
He found himself crashing to the floor again, dazed and spat blood. The Morgat’s gauntlet had slammed into his face just after he had cursed himself. Shaking his head furiously, he tried desperately to get up to his feet. He succeeded yet only barely, as he found himself rolling away from the leader’s sword as it cut downwards in a viscious arc. Instead only finding air, the sword slammed into the ground beside Illandris’s own weapon.
Breathing heavily, still dazed Illandris found himself feeling helpless without his sword. Backing up, he afforded himself one quick glance at the cabin.
Please be safe if I don’t make it.
“You disappoint me ranger,” said the Morgat leader coming forwards stalking Illandris. “At least you didn’t fall with the first cut of my sword though. You’ve lasted longer than most.”
He feels my desperation. He eyed the Morgat, ever retreating in the vain hope he’d avoid being cut to ribbons.
“I never cared about you butchering my people in truth at The Deadlands. It was just an excuse I provided myself to make you suffer as that is what I enjoy ranger. You were right that I have no quarrel with your friend, but I can use her to hurt you.”
“Then end it if you can!” he growled through his teeth with his hands clenched at his side.
My sword, I need it if I’m to win. He made a move of sheer desperation. Running forwards as quickly as he could, he dived ahead and ducked a swipe from the Morgat as he came into a roll. Picking his sword up as he emerged from the roll, he started to pick himself up to his feet though that was short lived.
He felt an intense pain cripple the whole right hand side of his upper body, as he fell to the floor again with a scream. Looking to the pain, he saw the Morgat’s sword had pierced him completely from behind and gone completely through his shoulder. Blood pouring freely and his breathing laboured, he could feel his vision fading.
No… my family. He reached out his left hand to the cabin. A surge of pain came again as the Morgat pulled his sword free of Illandris’s mangled flesh, forcing his left hand to hold the gaping wound.
“Now I take your woman,” said the leader letting the words hang in the air for effect. “Keep watch over him!” he ordered the other Morgat as he stormed off to the cabin.
As his consciousness slipped, he heard the sound of the cabin door being broken down and the screams of his wife as she fought.
No! He Struggled futilely to try and fight his way back to his feet yet the other Morgat ensured he remained helpless by beating him down
. I failed you… he repeated over and over not feeling the beating anymore that the Morgat continued to lay upon him. Numbness began to take control due to the loss of blood.
His senses dulled and the screams of his wife subsided. The crying of a child came into earshot, as his eyes began to close and he lost consciousness. “Leave him here. I’ve got everything I wanted.” Those were the last words Illandris heard and the last sight he saw was one of his children huddled in the Morgat leader’s arms as he mounted.
