Test of Flesh and Soul, ch 2 - Looking for comments - Writers Forum

jcald47 · 05-07-2007, 09:30 AM

Chapter 2

Planetary Coalition Date: 7248.950

Location unknown

Come on!… Need air!… Can barely hold on… my lungs! They hurt so much! … There! Now… looks like this will fit…
“Gaassssp … gaassssp … gaassssp!”
“Yes! Thank God! … I think it’s… working… My lungs … throat … a bit better. Plus I don’t seem to be dead yet… good sign… But why is it so hard to… move … cough, cough… This is not oxygen … cough … Don’t know what it is, so it can’t be too bad. But it’s making me groggy… … No, can’t pass out. Strap it… on tight… Why is it so hot here? My skin…
“Octahobak non mib sixyaem catpeart, bib sixbin bam ceteha!”
Uh oh, that didn’t sound good…
“Octahobak!”
And the way he is pointing that rifle at me made that one even worse! … Avoid suffocating long enough to get shot… Where is it? I know I saw this guy on the floor holding a weapon. I can’t see with all this smoke…
“Bib sixbin nepaynpex!”
There! … Boy, this thing is heavy… What the hell is it? Where’s the trigger? … Guess this is it…
“Rramo’o mapuse!”
Crap, here comes a different one… without a mask?… Good, he just distracted the big one coming this way. What the hell am I going to do?! … Damn the stereotypes, the ones with the red masks look meaner… And seems to be aiming at me… Point the dangerous looking end at him and pull… … Hope I just blasted the right one, because the other one looks shocked and angry…

Planetary Coalition Date: 7249.417

2nd Regiment OpCenter, City of Nizeca on Narigan Prime

“Everything is going as planned, Brigadier. Our inside associates have been elevated to the senior staff of the temporary government, our field agents have infiltrated the local citizen militia and our latest delivery of heavy shells was delivered without incident. Rest assured that the transfer channels have been properly… closed. All and all, the situation is proceeding in line with our predictions.”
“Excellent work, Major. With a bit of luck, our stay in this miserable planet will be at an end in the not too distant future... You are dismissed. On your way out, inform Sub-Captain Sremmus that I will see him now.”
“As you command, Brigadier.”
Yes, the less time I have to stay here the better. I am sick of wearing these vision-goggles. The only thing worse than them is the light from that blasted red star. How these locals can stand it is beyond me…
“Brigadier Vonali, Sub-Captain Sremmus reporting as summoned.”
“Come in Sub-Captain… When will you be ready to begin your mission?”
“In one heptec. My fireteam is in place and going over their final preparations, while the Tiaosean and Khazian infantry troops are amassing on the eastern mountain range. Once we start, the Narigans will not know what hit them.”
“Very well, Sremmus. The Narigans have proven a tough people to crack in the past. I hope your optimism is well placed.”
“Of course, Brigadier. Failure is not option.”
“See that it is not… If you are successful, there just might be an opening in my staff for an accomplished individual like yourself. Along with the accompanying promotion and financial benefits.”
“I will not let you down, sir.”
“I am certain you will not… Dismissed.”
I am certain indeed. I could use more on my staff as devoted and resolute as you are, Sremmus. That would make things go such much easier. Too bad you won’t live to see it all finalized… All the pieces are moving into place. Once Narigan falls, there will be no stopping it…
“Sergeant Ackm, bring my transport speeder. We have an appointment to keep.”
“At once, Brigadier.”
It will take at least two delmics to reach Janba Kalu, so we better leave now. If Lewxam gets there first, he will be even more insufferable than usual. I have to continue to assert that he works for me and not the other way around, even if he is supplying four battalions. Battalions that will help seal our victory. I would love to see the Narigans’ faces once those shock-tanks begin rolling into the battle theatre. It will be hard to tell the difference of whether they are frozen in place because they just realized they are about to be vaporized or because their neighbors have joined the fray in support of the Provincial Government. Or what passes for it now… Ah, here is Ackm. It’s about time.
“Took you long enough to return, Ackm. If we are late it will be your head… What are you waiting for? I am inside, you know where we are going, so… aackk!”
“Nice to you too, Brigadier. I sincerely wish I did not shoot anything vital, as I have a few things I want to pass along first.”
“Ss…Ss… Sremmus?”
“Yes, but don’t try to talk. You’ll need to preserve what little energy you have left.”
“W… why?”
“That is simple. Because my actual superiors want it that way… Yes, I did say actual. You see, just like you have been manipulating the local militia and government figures to suit our purposes, so has a select group been manipulating you to make sure it all happens. They are the ones who have truly set events in motion and have been directing the action from behind the scenes. Granted, with the help of some in-place personnel.”
“Like… you.”
“Correct. Your large-scale planning and strategy skills are almost unparalleled, so you were brought in to make sure everything went off correctly. Now that everything is in place, you are no longer needed. Our leadership will take it from here and assure that the true goal of this war is accomplished.”
“Enjoy while… you can, you mis… miserable scum! You think you know… everything that I have… worked on?! There is more, much more… than only I … cough… know!”
“Like your rendezvous at Janba Kalu?”
“What?! But… How did you…?”
“Know? I’ll answer with a question of my own. Did you know Sergeant Ackm is part Chikos?”
“Chikos? That would mean he…”
“Is a psychic. And he has provided us with a very extensive collection of information. You are indeed a brilliant strategist. Although I must admit I found your eventual plans for me a bit disconcerting.”
“But I see that my… cough… intentions were … well founded.”
“They were. I hope that provides a small measure of satisfaction… But now, I must be going. As you said, we must not keep Minister Lewxam waiting.”
“And… how do you propose dealing… with him without… cough… me?”
“That is nothing for you to concern yourself with as you head to the netherworld. And don’t worry. The next shot is going in a place that guarantees you will take the first step there now…Goodbye Brigadier.”
“Srem…ack!”
Shame to lose someone of such talent, but a necessity nonetheless. The only thing that matched his wits was his lust for power, and I don’t imagined he would have stepped aside when the time came…
“Good work, Sub-Captain. I had started to worry a bit that Vonali would eventually become aware of our deceit.”
“He likely would have, Major. But there is no need for us to worry about that now. How is the rest of the operation going?”
“As planned. Our TAC-Team is ready to depart for Janba Kalu and I will contact Field Marshall Dilenka shortly. He will officially take control of local military operations before the heptec is over.”
“TAC? So that is how we intended to engage Lewxam. Very clever, if I am assuming their intentions correctly.”
“That may be so, but try not to. Some things are on a need to know basis for a reason.”
No need to add to that sentence that it is because I may then end up like Vonali. I better sweeten Ackm’s deal to make sure I’m not added to the list of unpleasantly deceived… or deceased.

NFZA Research Center on Narigani, within the Narigan-Tau system

“It is still alive, but barely.”
“Its vital signs seemed steadier when the oxygen content inside the enclosure was reduced to 25%. Bring it back to that level.”
“Done.”
“What were the results of the physiological examinations?”
“They were quite interesting. Appearances aside, it has the same general characteristics as several of the sentient beings of this quadrant. As you see, it has two arms, two legs and one head. Here you have its vision organs. Our preliminary scans shows them to at least be able to detect colors and shapes. The protuberance just below them is used for respiration, as is the cavity below it. The row of teeth inside confirms it as the mouth. Inside we were able to confirm the presence of vocal folds.”
“Will it be able to communicate with us?”
“It is too early to tell. Although its reported actions on the battlefield indicate that it is capable of rational thought.”
“So are some of our animals.”
“Yes, but none of them are capable of properly arming, aiming and firing a rifle in self-defense.”
“Point taken. Please continue.”
“There is really not that much to add, unless you want a detailed report. In short, its body is composed of a collection of circulatory, digestive, endocrine, immune, integumentary, muscular, nervous system, reproductive, respiratory, skeletal and urinary systems. Just like us.”
“Have you been able to determine its sex?”
“I believe it to be a male. Its organs are somewhat similar to those of our jungle pan’olotydes.”

“I thought its appearance looked a bit familiar. A lot less hair though. The skin looks too soft as well.”
“Agreed. I would venture that he has not had long term exposure to the atmospheric rigors of any of the planets of this system.”
“Which then begs the questions, where did he come from and how did he get here? … You said he was found with no possessions?”
“None whatsoever. He was as you see him now.”
“Interesting does not begin to describe this… What is the extent of his injuries?”
“His respiratory channels suffered damage due to the high temperature nature of the atmosphere as well as its high nitrogen content. Furthermore, his skin and visual organs were injured due to unprotected exposure to our primary’s ultraviolet radiation.”
“Are his conditions repairable?”
“They are. In fact, his body is already doing so.”
“Good. We wouldn’t want to lose him. We may finally have a suitable subject to try our work on. If all goes well, we will achieve a vast scientific breakthrough. In the end, he might even end up being most appreciative.”
“And if his body cannot withstand the procedures? It looks very delicate.”
“That would be unfortunate. But if he dies, he dies. We can always dissect him later.”

10th Division Command Encampment, City of Tar’mos on Narigan Prime

“It is done, Field Marshall.”
“Thank you, Major Regors. Where there any… complications?”
“None. Brigadier Vonali had no prior knowledge of our actions. He was eliminated quite efficiently.”
“Glad to hear it. Contact me with an updated timetable for deployment as soon as the situation with Minister Lewxam is concluded.”
“As you command... Regors out.”
Finally we can get this effort truly moving forward and start making some real progress. Vonali was a great strategist, but he lacked the forcefulness to drive home his plans in an expedited manner. Plus I do not think the folks back at his planet will properly appreciate what we have planned for them. But now, once we secure Lewxam’s troops, we’ll roll right over any resistance that may be in our way here. Then we can get down to the real business at hand…
“Captain Emures, come in.”
“Captain Emures here, Field Marshall.”
“You can begin your offensive.”
“I will at once, sir.”
“Very well… Vinlogo out.”
This will give them something to think about. And make things a lot more interesting…

1st Battalion Headquarters, City of Zardego on Narigan Prime

“Captain Reci, are you sure about this intel?”
“I am certain of it, Colonel. The Government troops were being reinforced by outside forces. Their attire and insignias did not correspond to any from the Narigani military.”
“Blast it… That can help explain how they have been able to hold out on so many fronts at once, even though are reports showed them to be outnumbered.”
“That is not all. Some scouts that we have sent out to explore some of the more remote access trails to the Capital have not reported in. And our planetary defense grid has been showing intermittent flashes. I have a feeling something big is going to get sprung on us soon.”
“Who can it be though? Our reports have not shown anything of significant magnitude coming in-planet before or after the assassination.”
“I don’t know, Colonel. It has been quite some time since anything made any sense. Perhaps we have not reviewed records from far back enough.”
“Which may also mean they were expecting this to happen and had been preparing for it… Blast it! Captain, hail the senior staff. We need to change our tactics. Then contact the Prime Minister so that we can…”
“Colonel Radlac, Com. Incoming message on priority channel three.”
“Read it, Lieutenant.”
“Colonel, the southwestern supply depot has been lost! And the main southern spaceport is under bombardment!”
“Captain, scramble Sunne Wing and have them find and neutralize that battery fire. Then reposition their support Company to prevent any further enemy incursions… And get the senior staff on the line!
Curses! Did they know we were staging our next offensive from there? … What’s our support in that area? This is going to be a long septec…

Unknown Location within the Narigan-Tau system

Chaos, confusion, betrayal, victory, defeat, shock, ecstasy, teamwork, greed, opportunity… If anyone were to stand back and take a look at what is happening on this planet, they would surely call it one thing. Madness. Everything is going as planned. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier…

The remaining chapters that I've written are in my ebook site: Out of this World

Thanks in advance.

Alex44 · 05-07-2007, 10:21 AM

One real problem I had was to keep up with who was talking. In fact it made it almost unreadable to me. I know he said/she said/characters name said can be annoying but there is a reason it is in every book. Unless of course this were to be in comic/graphic novel form then it would be fine.

I do see you used titles of positions or names in some of the dialog, however that didn't really make it much if any easier to read.

jcald47 · 05-07-2007, 11:39 AM

Thanks for critique. Everything is still a work in progress, so I will take this into account.

rosenthalpiano · 05-07-2007, 12:21 PM

I agree with Alex's comment to an extent. I believe that long streams of dialogue without tags can sometimes work, but only after the personalties of the characters are well established. Once the reader has gotten to know the characters so well that they can figure out who's speaking just by the way they talk, then dialogue tags can sometimes be ommitted. Usually this works best when it's only two or three characters having a conversation at a time. More than that, it will likely become confusing, so you would need to use tags.

The main problem with this piece right now is from what I can tell, it's all dialogue. If that's the route you want to go, you might be better off setting this to a play. If not, you need a lot more prose with description, character development, plot movement (action) etc.

Mystery · 05-07-2007, 02:37 PM

Write in a slightly bigger font.

Put spaces between third person, first person, dialogue, thought.
Paragraph = leave a line inbetween.

It's a pain to read how it is with a headache.