Fantasy Story - Writers Forum

scottm72 · 05-06-2007, 12:07 PM

Hi, this is my fantasy story that i have started. Please read and give your opinion. Thanks

1

Captain Artimus Mack was proud to say he was the perfect pirate. He had buried treasures on every island on the south Malinic oceans and robbed every town from Mullin to Portbridge. It was once said that his ship, the Iris Manta was built by the gods and is rumoured to be unbreakable against any of mankind's creations.

Captain Mack served with a crew of wild criminals, all of whom considered themselves kings of the sea, and by reputation, they were. There was first mate Tocklyn, a seven foot giant with fists the size of cannonballs that could tear a man in half. He had long black hair and a permanent stubble, like black sandpaper, only longer. Next to him was the ships doctor', Sethin, who never had a lazy moment working on the Iris Manta. He was an older man with parted greying hair and half moon glasses that were cracked from his years at sea. Sword wounds and bullet holes seemed to be his speciality.

Although the ship itself was a legend, there were also some legends among the crew. Like Anchor, a water creature with the ability to hold its breathe for hours on end, the perfect diver for the perfect ship. Anchor had all the human qualities to be passed off as a man but had never actually stepped foot on dry land. It was his attraction to cruelty and piracy that earned him his place among the crew of the Iris Manta when he was young and naïve. Now he had no choice but to serve his captain. He had sold his soul to get on that ship, a contract signed in blood.

Although the captain had all the treasures a man could ever ask for, he felt an emptiness, as though something was missing. For years he would wake up with a hunger for jewels, diamonds and treasures but before long, his fortune became worthless as rumours of a new magic flooded his interest, making the captain quiver with excitement. The Iris Manta had travelled far and wide, hearing new stories in new bars but never a sign of the magic he so craved.

C.C.Benjamin · 05-06-2007, 12:49 PM

Okay, I had a quick read, and I'd like to give you my opinions. Please don't be offended, I might sound a little blunt, but I mean them in good faith.

I don't like your names. Artemus was a greek goddess, and Mack is something you call someone who you don't know or particularly care for.

Why is the ship legendary? A ship is only as legendary as it's crew. I don't think people are going to suspect Gods spend their time building ships for notorious pirates. Maybe that's just me.

Also, I thought your method of putting the story across was a bit .. old. People signing contracts in blood, selling souls etc, bit old hat, IMO. And even if that is what you really want, that's fine. A cheesy fantasy concept, well done and thought out, is probably as good as a cutting edge concept.

If you want a creature aboard that sold its soul for a position on the ship, don't tell us this in the first 5 paragraphs. Let the story appear to unwind, and let the reader find out in due coarse.

As I said, I don't want to sound offensive, but to impress me these are a few points you need to address.

Akroma · 05-07-2007, 08:02 AM

It's a good start. I can see this becoming very Pirates of the Carribbeanish. Which is no bad thing. You've made a good effort describing the crew and you've introduced us nicely to where the story's going - looking for new magic! I think maybe you should describe more what the actual ship looks like - does it look old and barnacled or new and shiney, what colour sails, what figure has it got on the front of the ship? Stuff like that. Like I said it's a good start.

Rob · 05-07-2007, 08:29 AM

It's all narrative summary, not much for the reader to get involved in. I think you need to write more, bring your characters to life, and post again. Not really enough here to comment on.

Cheers,
Rob

Azmakna · 05-07-2007, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scottm72

Hi, this is my fantasy story that i have started. Please read and give your opinion. Thanks

1

Captain Artimus Mack was proud to say he was the perfect pirate. He had buried treasures on every island on the south Malinic oceans and robbed every town from Mullin to Portbridge. It was once said that his ship, the Iris Manta was built by the gods and is rumoured to be unbreakable against any of mankind's creations.

whenever i read Mack i think Big Mac. how do you define the perfect pirate? i found myself stopping here and trying to list those attributes. i have no problem with the idea of a 'legendary' ship, but i feel cheated by this passing remark

Captain Mack served with a crew of wild criminals, all of whom considered themselves kings of the sea, and by reputation, they were. There was first mate Tocklyn, a seven foot giant with fists the size of cannonballs that could tear a man in half. He had long black hair and a permanent stubble, like black sandpaper, only longer. Next to him was the ships doctor', Sethin, who never had a lazy moment working on the Iris Manta. He was an older man with parted greying hair and half moon glasses that were cracked from his years at sea. Sword wounds and bullet holes seemed to be his speciality.

too vague. whilst i would also suggest here that you avoid a stereotypical character, i feel this is conflicting with the 'sandpaper metaphor. either it was or it wasn't

Although the ship itself was a legend, there were also some legends among the crew. Like Anchor, a water creature with the ability to hold its breathe for hours on end, the perfect diver for the perfect ship. Anchor had all the human qualities to be passed off as a man but had never actually stepped foot on dry land. It was his attraction to cruelty and piracy that earned him his place among the crew of the Iris Manta when he was young and naïve. Now he had no choice but to serve his captain. He had sold his soul to get on that ship, a contract signed in blood.

by pinning your characters down so quickly you are missing huge opportunities for 'showing' i've underlined things to be avoided at all cost

Although the captain had all the treasures a man could ever ask for, he felt an emptiness, as though something was missing. For years he would wake up with a hunger for jewels, diamonds and treasures but before long, his fortune became worthless as rumours of a new magic flooded his interest, making the captain quiver with excitement. The Iris Manta had travelled far and wide, hearing new stories in new bars but never a sign of the magic he so craved.

end the sentence here, it already tells us something is missing.

although there are many things i would change here, i can see that you really enjoyed writing this and that is a good place to start. please don 't take my curt responses as anything but that. i don't want to lead here, i want to help you see for yourself. good luck and keep going!

mashowasho · 05-07-2007, 05:11 PM

Reminds me of Pirates of the Caribbean. Yarr!