credgar20

This is the first story I've written in awhile. I came up with the idea in a dream I had last summer. I've been working on this since last October, and I haven't come very far, although I know in my head what I want to happen, my writing and story advancement skills aren't too great. My great interest in life is politics, so there's a lot of political undertones in this. I'm really interested in getting feedback from someone who doesn't know the ending (like myself), just to make sure everything makes sense. Keep in mind this is my first writing attempt in awhile, so it may be a little rusty, but don't go easy on me.

I'll post the first few chapters now (they are short), and post the rest later. Thank you everyone!





800 miles south of the southern tip of India, two American frontiersman explored the vast openess of the Indian Ocean. It was doubtful that any other human being had been to this particular piece of ocean before. One could call this “the middle of nowhere,” which is exactly why no human would expect to find anything significant out here.
But that’s not why our two sailors came to this piece of ocean. No, they were here for the experience of sailing and the fresh ocean air. Far away from their high-rise familiarities in Los Angeles, Maynard and Robert were here for a change of scenery. Night had fallen by the time Robert came up to the deck.
“Well, Mr. Trent, what do you say we catch our dinner?”
“’Bout time you woke up, I’m starving. What’s on the menu tonight?” Robert grabbed his fishing reel and sat down over the side of the boat. “I’m thinking a big ole swordfish would really hit the spot, how about you pull one of those babies out?” Maynard said. Robert laughed and threw in his reel. For 20 minutes he fished without any luck.
“Where’s my dinner, Bob? I don’t want to go another night on your Kroger-brand tuna,” Maynard said jokingly.
“Maynard… where’s the map?”
“Why?”
“I need it. We are in the middle of the ocean, right? With nothing around us?” Maynard emerged from the refrigerator and looked out past Robert, into the seemingly endless ocean, except this piece of ocean stopped about a mile in front of them, into what could unmistakably be described as land.



As the boat sailed closer, Maynard and Robert caught first glimpse of the forested island. The beachfront was covered in palm trees, short ones. Maynard and Robert jumped out and pulled the boat to shore and roped it to a nearby tree. This section of the beach was only about 150 feet long. The end of the sand was about ten steps from the water’s edge. Each of them stared into the forest, then back over the ocean for a few minutes before Robert spoke.
“Wow. This definitely isn’t on the map.”
“Do you think there are people here?”
“I doubt it… Maynard, I think we just discovered a new island.”
“Well, we don’t know that.”
“Think about it, Maynard. It’s not on the map, and besides, it’s out in the middle of nowhere. Who would be out here?”
“True. But we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Besides, it could be some kind of secret government station that they don’t want anyone to know about.”
“Well, theirs one way to find out.”
“We should wait until morning, Bob. It’s pretty dark out.”
“Alright, I can wait. Island’s not going anywhere.” Robert smiled and sat down on the beach. He observed the sunset over the endless ocean, as the sun dropped farther and farther under the blue. Maynard started toward the boat and stopped. “You’re staying here?”
“On the beach? Yea, why not? Come on, Maynard, you’re not gonna get eaten or anything.”
“Well, alright. If you insist, I’ll stay too.” Both frontiersman fell asleep looking at the stars, from a spot no human had ever seen them before.




The sunrise on the open ocean was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, thought Robert. He woke up at the first sign of light to observe his new surroundings. He gazed as far as he could see into the thick forest brush. Robert was eager to explore this newfound plot of land, but didn’t want to leave Maynard behind. Robert started pacing the beach, anxiously, almost irritably waiting for his friend to wake up.
The island was quiet, no birds or animals disrupted the peaceful morning air. The wind blew briskly inland, sometimes briskly enough to make Robert lose his balance in the tumultous sand. Robert’s hat blew off towards the forest, landing right on the divide between dirt and sand. As he bent over to pick it up, the wind picked up again. The trees swayed gently in the wind; the leaves swirled gracefully along the island floor. The soft sounds of leaves rustling sounded so beautiful to Robert, so perfect. Robert felt he was being beckoned into the forest by the wind. He listened again for a moment, just as Maynard woke up.
“See something?”
“No, just checking out our discovery. There’s no one here, Maynard.”
“How do you know?”
“It’s a feeling. This island hasn’t been touched by the outside world. It’s too perfect.” They both stared into the forest for a few minutes, as if they were piercing the trees and examining the interior of the island for activity.
“So are we going in or not?”
“Heh, I was waiting for you.”
As they entered the forest, the sounds of the ocean were quickly swallowed up by the surrounding trees. Maynard was quick to point out how bright the forest was. The canopy only blocked out splotches of sunlight, leaving most of the forest bathed in light. It was hard to provide cover when the only trees growing were palm trees. The smell of ocean air lingered in the forest, mixed with the scent of earth and plants to make a pine-like smell that reminded Robert of his shampoo.
They walked on, they walked for ten minutes without stopping, only slowing their pace to look at a particular plant that caught their eye. They were approaching a slight dip in the ground level when Maynard spotted something. He held out his arm to stop Robert, and they both stared as they approached it. What they found was a small blue plastic bag that Robert recognized all too well.
“Well I’ll be damned! They got a Walmart here!? I like this place already.” As they looked closer, they saw that there was something inside it. Maynard and Robert exchanged glances, each thinking boyishly about what could be inside the plastic bag they just found on a seemingly deserted island. Unfortunately, their hopes were shattered as Maynard pulled out a styrofoam cup, several food wrappers and a pocket knife. As they looked around, they found more debris strewn across the forest floor. They found a small ditch with a box full of rubber stamps. There was no ink, and the stamps were so worn it was hard to tell what was inscribed on them. And at last, half buried in the ground, they saw a large black steel drum that unmistakenly smelled of oil.
“Do you think…”
“I seriously doubt there is anyone else on the island, this stuff could have washed onto shore.” Maynard said.
“All the way into the middle of the jungle?”
“It’s possible. If someone was living on this island, they would likely be primitive or living without modern amenities. So why would they need rubber stamps and all of this other junk? If you’re still not convinced, where did the Walmart bag come from? Albeit Walmart is all over the U.S,, doesn’t mean they’ve expanded to the deserted island market yet.” Robert knew he had a point, and changed the subject.
“I think we should keep going.”
“We don’t know how big the island is. Let’s go back for now.”
“Maybe that stuff did wash up from the ocean, but if there is civilized life on this island, we should meet them.”
“Why? For what reason?”
“Because, Maynard, they could be stranded here. What if they need our help?” Maynard scratched his chin and grinned widely.
“I’ve got an idea.”

Rahvin

intriguing...

Well written, and a good plot, if a little underexplained, but that may come with the next part.

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credgar20

Thanks for the review! Once they leave the island to return to the mainland, another important character gets introduced, and you can start to get a feel for the main plot. I've already written about 17 pages, so I'll post a few more once another review or two comes in.

killned3

All right... the plot is interesting enough so far, and the writing was fine in the beginning, but as the piece drew on, I spotted more and more mistakes.

To begin with, numbers in fiction are generally written out. This is pretty standard, unless you're referring to a machine's model number or something numeral-specific along those lines, but as far as numbers in quantities and days go, "5 to five" is best.

“Well, theirs one way to find out.”

^ One of the things that really gets old is the common misspellings of "there, their, and they're". In that case, you needed to actually use "there's", and I would suggest committing all of the variations of the homonym to memory.

“Alright, I can wait.

^ This one's a little more forgiving. "All right" and "alright" are often used at the writer's preference, but it's more standard to use "all right". Perhaps you could get away with "alright", but for the sake of perfection, I'd recommend "all right". With that one, at least you know you can't go wrong.

The sunrise on the open ocean was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, thought Robert.

^ The way you write that one out, it appears to be one of Robert's direct thoughts, in which he would be referring to himself in third-person. You could change it to say, "Rober thought the sunrise on the open ocean was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen." That sounds much better and is much clearer to the reader.

The island was quiet, no birds or animals disrupted the peaceful morning air.

^ Run-on. Switch a semicolon in with the comma and you'll be fine.

The wind blew briskly inland, sometimes briskly enough to make Robert lose his balance in the tumultous sand.

^ Tumultous ---> "tumultuous".

They walked on, they walked for ten minutes without stopping, only slowing their pace to look at a particular plant that caught their eye.

^ I think you put an extra "they walked on" in that sentence. I'm sure of it, actually.

They got a Walmart here!?

^ Walmart --> "Wal-Mart"

“I seriously doubt there is anyone else on the island, this stuff could have washed onto shore.” Maynard said.

^ That's another thing that bugs after you've seen it enough times. Replace that first period with a comma. You wouldn't take a complete sentence pause when reading those two aloud, so why would you place a period there when writing it? Also, the quote itself is another run-on. A semicolon would work in place of that comma, or you could edit it in whatever way you'd like.

Albeit Walmart is all over the U.S,, doesn’t mean they’ve expanded to the deserted island market yet.”

^ I'm sure those two commas after "U.S" are typos. The way you start that sentence, however, is just a bit strange. Last time I checked, "albeit" is basically like saying "although" . . . so your sentence would thus read:

Though Walmart is all over the U.S,, doesn’t mean they’ve expanded to the deserted island market yet.”

Does not make logical sense whatsoever. :]

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you finish your piece.

Colt

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Spice it up.

credgar20

Thanks for all the great feedback. I'm no English major, so my grammar is a bit spotty. Thanks again.

Neidermeyer

Interesting plot for sure. I like endings that hook the reader, making them wonder what is next.

credgar20

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad my story is getting a good reception here. I'll post the next clump of chapters tomorrow.