Something I wrote a few months ago... - Writers Forum

Mage · 04-30-2007, 09:09 AM

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I thought what better way to introduce myself than to post something I wrote a while back

I'm into both fiction and non-fiction, mainly fantasy and history stuff. Sometimes I get this itch to write something so I had this grand idea of writing a book of some sort. Here is the intro/opening:

An inferno of ash and fire stifled the besieged Dwarven city of Belemos, its massively outnumbered and undersized fighters hopelessly bracing themselves for battle against the frenzied Orcish army. Sweat swiftly trickled down the side of Gildor’s face and onto his beard as he desperately attempted to muster what was left of the troops to form a defence. He looked skywards to ensure that the gunmen were in position, only to catch a glimpse of the last remaining shooter running north towards the mountain sanctuary.
“Stand your ground!” he yelled before pausing for a lungful of air. His eyes darted towards the Orcish horde which had now breached the gates and was butchering its way into the burning city hall. Defiant echoes of clashing steel were shortly replaced by the sickening sound of steel cutting through soft, plump Dwarven flesh. A merciless bloodbath had begun.
“Gods!” Gildor cried out aloud as he witnessed the Orcs slaughtering the young and elderly in cold blood. Hundreds of Orcs along with legions of beastly abominations began to pour in through the gates, hastening the massacre. The level-headed Dwarf had no intention of becoming a martyr. He quickly blew his horn and signalled the retreat fighting off the guilt he felt for not having done it earlier. Just as he was about to take off, Gildor noticed two Orcish grunts madly racing towards him. The first Orc leapt and plunged at him with an enormous double sided axe, its blade plummeting deep into the earth as it barely missed its target. Gildor rushed in to send his retaliatory blow, just before the second Orc stepped in, madly swinging its broad sword as the short Dwarf fenced it away. Gildor waited patiently for his moment as they continued to fence. And then it came. The brawny Orc, infuriated by its opponent’s dexterous fencing skill, slashed sideways before raising its sword in an attempt to crash it down on its foe. Gildor suddenly darted forward and plunged his short sword deep within the Orc’s abdomen, releasing a gush of blood, drenching the Orc’s inadequate kaguri-hide armour. Gildor had no time to savour the kill. The remaining Orc abandoned its attempt at pulling the heavy axe free from the earth, and now charged towards the small Dwarf with a dagger in hand. Gildor took the opportunity to reveal a dagger of his own, only to throw it powerfully fast instead. It flew with speed and precision before cracking right through the grunts cheekbone. The grunt dropped and howled in complete agony. Smiling gently as his defeated opponent convulsed on the stony ground, the Dwarf Captain pulled out his sword from the other Orc’s abdomen, the blade still dripping with blood. The grunt wailed for a quick death as Gildor raised his sword high into the air, before finally hewing it down onto the grunts neck. Slowly disengaging from the scene, Gildor looked up and realised several dozen Orcs were heading his way. Realising he would be the next to die should he loiter around any longer, Gildor turned away from the overwhelmed city and ran towards the mountains.

Hironimus · 04-30-2007, 09:30 AM

Not bad, but it's a little too reminiscent of the battle scene at the end of 'The Two Towers' for me. Dwarfs and Orcs, it all seems the same, i'm not really a fantasy reader.

But it reads well.

Akroma · 04-30-2007, 10:01 AM

Woah! This is AWESOME! The writing flows like molten imagery! Talk about a bombardment of the imagination. It's brilliant. And it gets you right in there as well from the first sentence! Good effort and I have to say this again but you write really well! Keep it up! And who cares if it's like Lord of the Rings, every awesome fantasy novel springs from somewhere and the more you read, the more new ideas you get!

Mage · 04-30-2007, 10:13 AM

Thanks for the compliments Akroma

Sync · 04-30-2007, 11:00 AM

A setting yes for a story, the piece an exerpt I take to an idea forming. The mention of 'gunmen' sort of threw me off. It would be all well to have them but then you switched to fashioned weapons of iron and steel so I wondered if this was intentional. I think the word 'grunts' after Orcs could have been left off after the first one, ground soliders they were, it never changed.

Still this made me want more, so that's indeed what any story should do, space it out to make it easier to read perhaps and add more.

Thanks for the read

Sync

Azmakna · 04-30-2007, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mage

Hi everyone, this is my first post and I thought what better way to introduce myself than to post something I wrote a while back

I'm into both fiction and non-fiction, mainly fantasy and history stuff. Sometimes I get this itch to write something so I had this grand idea of writing a book of some sort. Here is the intro/opening:

An inferno of ash and fire stifled the besieged Dwarven city of Belemos, its massively outnumbered and undersized fighters hopelessly bracing themselves for battle against the frenzied Orcish army. Sweat swiftly trickled down the side of Gildor’s face and onto his beard as he desperately attempted to muster what was left of the troops to form a defence. He looked skywards to ensure that the gunmen were in position, only to catch a glimpse of the last remaining shooter running north towards the mountain sanctuary.

its a fraction over run with adjectives here and can sweat be swift? and perhaps one too many adverbs. i agree it gives it a certain rhythm and to be honest i tend to do this when writing fantasy, but we both need to cut down, its bad for your 'elf' (sooorrrry)

“Stand your ground!” he yelled before pausing for a lungful of air. His eyes darted towards the Orcish horde which had now breached the gates and was butchering its way into the burning city hall. Defiant echoes of clashing steel were shortly replaced by the sickening sound of steel cutting through soft, plump Dwarven flesh. A merciless bloodbath had begun.

i used to get hammered by my tutor if i did this! it suggest the eyes left his head and went off on their own. too many adjectives

“Gods!” Gildor cried out aloud as he witnessed the Orcs slaughtering the young and elderly in cold blood. Hundreds of Orcs along with legions of beastly abominations began to pour in through the gates, hastening the massacre. The level-headed Dwarf had no intention of becoming a martyr. He quickly blew his horn and signalled the retreat fighting off the guilt he felt for not having done it earlier. Just as he was about to take off, Gildor noticed two Orcish grunts madly racing towards him. The first Orc leapt and plunged at him with an enormous double sided axe, its blade plummeting deep into the earth as it barely missed its target. Gildor rushed in to send his retaliatory blow, just before the second Orc stepped in, madly swinging its broad sword as the short Dwarf fenced it away. Gildor waited patiently for his moment as they continued to fence. And then it came. The brawny Orc, infuriated by its opponent’s dexterous fencing skill, slashed sideways before raising its sword in an attempt to crash it down on its foe. Gildor suddenly darted forward and plunged his short sword deep within the Orc’s abdomen, releasing a gush of blood, drenching the Orc’s inadequate kaguri-hide armour. Gildor had no time to savour the kill. The remaining Orc abandoned its attempt at pulling the heavy axe free from the earth, and now charged towards the small Dwarf with a dagger in hand. Gildor took the opportunity to reveal a dagger of his own, only to throw it powerfully fast instead. It flew with speed and precision before cracking right through the grunts cheekbone. The grunt dropped and howled in complete agony. Smiling gently as his defeated opponent convulsed on the stony ground, the Dwarf Captain pulled out his sword from the other Orc’s abdomen, the blade still dripping with blood. The grunt wailed for a quick death as Gildor raised his sword high into the air, before finally hewing it down onto the grunts neck. Slowly disengaging from the scene, Gildor looked up and realised several dozen Orcs were heading his way. Realising he would be the next to die should he loiter around any longer, Gildor turned away from the overwhelmed city and ran towards the mountains.

i like the idea of finding new ways of using words but i'm not sure this works. plummeting means falling. what is incomplete agony?

it was a great read, even with those repetitions and questionable usages of words. i liked it!

Mage · 04-30-2007, 11:25 AM

Thanks for all your suggestions

@ Sync: gunman in the sense of big old, heavy rifles wielded by small dwarves, a bit like you get in the game warcraft

@ Azmakna: You make a lot of helpful points. Thanks