Wryte

Ann felt her crystal eyes burn in the sunlight above her. She had been lying on the beach , hungover , and soaken by the salty waves that landed on her , which suprised her because she thought she probably would have been pulled into the ocean , the deep unknown.

She could barely get up for her clothes felt like a ton since the water had absorbed into her thick sweater and leather pants. Her boots would push water in between her toes every time she stepped , the pressure pushing it out , sending a cold chill in her legs.

She sneezed , huffed , puffed , and snorted like a pig. She had built up a nasty sickness from the blue water drenching her. She wasn't happy , which was pretty rare. When she was dry , her brown hair would tickle her neck. She would be talking to her friends , family , so on. She was always happy. Nothing she had done before haunted her. Nothing she had done before was bad.

The weather was cold by the ocean as usual , which made her soggy clothes even colder , like she was walking in a suit of ice. She needed to get home. She knew her mother would explode in anger. Her mother's voice running through her head made her scared.

She was on her street. She just needed to get home. Lugging her heavy , wet body around made her very tired. She looked down at the sidewalk. She didn't notice what she passed by.

"I see an aura coming from you. You are specail. You are..." she heard coming from the blind curve she had passed. She looked behind her to see a man with white skin , a frosted grey beard , and a skinny body. "You're an angel..."

"Shut up , you crazy old man."

"You are an angel... an ang-" she cut his voice off as he trailed behind her.

"What the hell do you want with me?" she shouted. The birds on the nearby houses scattered like it meant their lives.

"You're an angelyc warrior. You're a source!"

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More to come soon.

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Whatever you accuse me of , I didn't do it...

Especially the noodle incident , NO-ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!

heatherlouise

an interesting peice, some good description on bits. however i do think that you use the word "she" way too many times. the idea seems good but it makes it so boring to read she did this and she did that. try and reffer to her by her name some of the time, it might help.

i think that you should read through it again and see if you can tighten it up a bit. i ldo ook forward to reading the next part though.
hope any fo this helps,
Heather

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~ HεαтнεяLøυιѕε

Azmakna

comma straight after the word - no space. you know i'm not sure if 'soaken' is correct grammer here (that's one for Mama) but it still sounds clumsy to me. wouldn't 'soaked' work just as well?

ouch! rework... 'ton' seems an exaggeration. 'sending a cold chill through her legs'?

never use: 'so on' or 'etc...' it immediately takes the reader from the text trying to figure out exactly what 'so on' is. if nothing she had done before was bad, then it goes without question that nothing she had done before would haunt her.

phrases like: 'explode in anger' or 'made her scared' will always sound cumbersome. 'her mother would be fuming' 'her mother's voice running in her head scared her' sounds better, but i would still rethink.

is her body wet or her clothes?

pace. pace. pace. make me see and feel this scene, its a big one

nice piece though with lots of potential
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More to come soon.[/quote]

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Akroma

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A story that's having a go at being epic fantasy...but with the modern world, vampires and werewolves mixed into the cocktail as well...

killned3

"Soaken" should be "soaked", to answer the aforementioned question.

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Spice it up.