[Sci-Fi] Scarlett Descent - Writers Forum

Hironimus · 04-25-2007, 05:59 PM

This is very much a work in progress. I have the outline, which i'm happy with.
Sci-fi story revolving around a Bounty hunter. This is the first section of the prologue that introduces the protagonist. This part of the story is not linked to the main story of the novel, but it will help to show what the character is about and what he's capable of before you get to the main story.

Any thoughts, or advice are much appreciated. I'm happy with it, but I could be way off. I need an objective opinion before I continue.

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A faint glow could be seen on the hull of the 'Rebellion's end', as it began it's entry through the atmosphere, towards Boada III. Punching it's way through the cloud base, the sun was beginning to set on the lush green world, a thin vale of mist was starting to form.

Below, the city of Rynul was a busy tourist centre, people of all races came here in their millions to take in the regions spectacular landscapes.
Originally, the ancient city had stood for a thousand years, popular throughout the centuries for its temperate climate, and unique species of wildlife. Rynul however, suffered a catastrophic earthquake that ended the lives of thousands, and brought an end to the city as it once was.

Like a giant phoenix, rising from the ashes of the old city, New Rynul was a mixture of old world traditional stone buildings and modern metalite construction. The city was reborn and took its place as a haven for the wealthy, popular for its majectic structures and exotic nightlife.

The ship began its glide for final approach, sweeping across the cityscape at speed. Sleek in its design, this ship was built for speed. Originally a patrol vessel, it had been heavily modified with a powerful engines, and an array of weaponry, more suited to the extreme needs of a Bounty Hunter.

Negotiating the city airway, the pilot skillfully weaved through the dense air traffic. Passing many of the magnificent structures of the new city, to find the landing bay, high up in the city's central zone. With an increasing whine of the landing thrusters, the ship came to a controlled hover in the centre of Upper district, bay 12.

A heavy thump could be heard as the landing gear extended and made contact with the floor, and the engines became silent. Moments later, with a hiss, the forward ramp began to drop, and from the darkness of the interior, the dark robed figure of Kaldar Vaul emerged. Dressed entirely in crimson armour, a helmet of military design, hid his facial features. He halted at the foot of the ramp to assess the area, the landing bay was a circular concrete bunker construction, across the way, someone was lurking in the shadows across near the entrance. It looked like this would be his contact, on time as always.

Vaul made his way over to the darkened entrance tunnel, there waiting anxiously was his contact, Onos Tol, a frail old humanoid, dressed in a hooded cloak. Onos had dealt with Vaul on many occasions, to supply valuable intelligence.

Removing his hood, he spoke quietly "Greetings master Vaul. "
"You have some important information for me?", Vaul declared.
"Do you think I would bring you half way across the sector if this wasn't important?"
Vaul leaned forward, his artificially enhanced voice was imposing "I hope for your sake that you didn't"
Onos looked uneasy "This information did not come easy Kaldar, It was gained at extreme risk to myself. I want an extra fifty percent on top of my usual fee"
"You will take the three thousand, as per our agreement" replied Vaul, rising to his full height.
A pained look came across, the mans face.
"Very well, i'm sure there will be plenty of other bounty hunters in the region that would be glad of this information" Onos turned and made his way towards the exit.

Vaul spoke up, "I see your bargaining skills have improved"
"Four thousand, and you know as well as I do, there are no other Bounty Hunters that could get here in time, it took me nearly two days."

Onos stopped,and turned to look at Vaul. "Verog Vorn is here on Boada."
Although his face was conceiled, the bounty hunter found it hard to hide his surprise, "Vorn is here?" there was a large bounty on Verog Vorn, dangerous and very influencial, he was the head of a underground crime syndicate.
"Yes" the man moved closer "I thought this might get your attention. He is attending a gambling tournament at the Casino, under the name of Lekir"

Vorn was rarely seen in public. He was as powerful as he was wealthy, heavily connected, his influence spanned the entire region. He had law enforcement agencies in his pocket, no one would dare to cross him. Not if they wanted to live.

"Is he alone?"
"No, Vorn rarely travels, but when he does he has a personal bodyguard with him at all times ". Onos' voice changed to intrigue "I believe you know him, Dretor Kessel, you served with him in the Royal guard?"
Vaul allowed his mind to drift to his days as Elite guard to the throne of King Milas. He had a position of great power, Captain of the kings guard, a highly skilled warrior. Before the dark days of civil war, and the eventual destruction of his entire kingdom. Vaul watched and was powerless to stop everything that he knew and fought so hard to protect, destroyed.
This became the catalyst, for the eventual transformation from Captain Vaul of the elite guard, into the legendary and much feared bounty hunter, Kaldar Vaul.

"So Dretor works for a crime lord now, interesting."
Onos removed the data card from his pocket."You will find the necessary information here. As always, a pleasure doing business" he handed the card to Vaul "Good hunting.", Onos Tol conceiled himself under his cloak, and returned to the shadows through the exit tunnel.

Vaul quickly scanned through the infromation on the card, The Casino Grand Stratos, according to the city guide it was at the edge of the city. It was also the tallest structure in the city. Dretor Kessel was no fool. If he was going to pull this off, it was going to require a combination of stealth, and good timing.

Luckily, these were attributes that Kaldar Vaul had aplenty.

Behind him, Vaul's associate was exiting the ship. ASP-16, as his name suggested, was an Armed Sentry Patrol unit. A robot of ancient design, built by a small robot works. He was used for many years as a very effective sentry, capable of tracking and retrieving escaped prisoners. The model was highly sought after in its day, good in a combat situation , highly adapted sensors, AI and piloting skills. Vaul made the discovery whilst finding parts for his ship, at an old junk dealer near the mines of Thelos. It seems that over time he became obscelete, used as a labour droid for several years. He was eventually neglected by his owner and left to rust in the corner of a junkyard, half assembled. Vaul had seen the bot, recognised the design, and the potential. He bought ASP-16 for a small sum, and patiently restored him, adding in a few enhancements of his own.

The sentry bot was built to mimic the movements of humanoid form, but had a very mechanical look in its posture. A black metallic chassis housed a number of interesting features. Vaul's partner was a great asset, and good company on the longer journeys.

"The ship is secure sir, will we be staying long?" ASP enquired, his robotic voice was low and crisp.
"Verog Vorn is here, at that Casino we saw on the way in." Vaul looked up at the gradually fading daylight. "I'm going to wait until nightfall, then I'll move in"
"I see sir" ASP replied "Vorn will not be easy to capture, would you like me to assist?"
Vaul thought for a few seconds.
"No.Not this time, I need you to stand by here." Vaul looked across at the 'Rebellion's End' "Get her fueled up, we may need to move quickly"
"As you wish Sir." ASP replied, as he moved across the bay to find the re-fuelling bot.

Vaul entered the ship. If he was going to come up against Dretor, he would need to have an edge. Surprise was on his side, but it never harmed to have a few tricks up his sleeve.

The 'Rebellion's End' was not a huge ship. Internally there was just enough room to accomodate a detention cell, and meagre living quarters. The cockpit had seating for two people, a panoramic screen allowed the pilots an extensive view across all angles.
Activating a switch at the back of the cockpit, a panel unfolded, giving access to an array of weapons and items. Vaul took what he needed and headed outside.

Darkness was now upon them, a clear night sky and the planets twin moons, lit the landing bay with a unique aura. Activating an access panel on the outer hull, a lever dropped down. Vaul gave a sharp pull and with a loud start, a door slid away under the port side wing and a grav bike roared to life. Dropping out of the wing structure like a bat out of a cave, the bike unfolded itself and came to hovver a few feet off the ground. Resembling a missile with a seat and handle controls, the bike was relitavely silent.

Getting prepared to set off, Vaul looked over at his partner.
"Stay alert ASP, this one may get a little tricky."
"Understood Sir. the ship will be ready shortly, I will await your signal."

Mounting the bike, and with a twist of the controls, Vaul activated the ion drive and gracefully lifted off and away, to clear the bay and head across the city skyline.

rosenthalpiano · 04-25-2007, 06:31 PM

Right off the bat: This is my opinion, but if a prologue is "not linked to the main story of the novel" as you said, if it doesn't at some point fit into the plotline you establish from the first chapter (after the prologue) until the end, then it's virtually useless. That being said, I will begin my critique:

The first paragraph confuses me. I really don't know what's going on or where I am, and it doesn't seem to have much to do with the main setting that is being focused on in this excerpt. Try to create the local scene first (the city), before you even get to the big picture (the planet). If I were you (and this is only my opinion, of course) I would open the story right away:

The city of Rynul was a busy tourist center. People of all races came here by the millions, taking in the regions spectacular landscapes.

This is just a start. Now, if you want to start your story off right away describing the city (which seems to be what you're doing anyways), I would not go into the historical aspects of the city just yet. Instead, focus on the physical aspects. Let the reader SEE the city before they learn about how it came to be. Of course, you could do it the other way around, but if you do that I would not jump from the past (the history of the city) to the present (the current protagonist). If you start in the past, stay in the past, and show us how the city began, who was involved in building it, and that could be your story. Read the first few pages of "One Hundred Years of Solitude" for an example of this. Does this make sense to you?

The main problem with this is that it takes about 5 or 6 paragraphs before I get even the faintest picture in my mind about what's going on. I think a good story should start developing from the very first sentence. As Kurt Vonnegut said: "Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action." (of course, description is sometimes needed as well, otherwise the reader would never have any picture of the setting that the action is taking place in).

Hironimus · 04-25-2007, 07:13 PM

Good advice, thank you. I'll take a look at the opening paragraphs and see if I can make improvements.

The idea of this prologue, although it's not connected to the main story, was to give the reader an idea of what the protagonist is about. In a similar way to how a Bond movie generally starts with 007's last mission, but is generally unconnected from the plot.

I could ditch it altogether and go straight to the main story. I will have to give it some thought.

Azmakna · 04-25-2007, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Like a giant phoenix, rising from the ashes of the old city, New Rynul was a mixture of old world traditional stone buildings and modern metalite construction.

these images are of earth as is the metaphor?!