Surreal

Hey guys, I'm not sure if you appreciate word documents but that is what I have written in and I think you guys would find it easier to read through. It is formatted to double spaced lines with indented paragraphs.

I am going to include all four chapters as separate files. Will say the word count, and you don't need to read a chapter or the book all at once. This is what I have written so far (am currently writing the 5th chapter). All together, the five chapters equal 30,000 words so far. (5th chapter not finished.)

Chapter I: Work
The introduction chapter. Learn about the main character(s) etc. This is basically to give you a background into the story and to start it off.
Word Count: 4,332.
Size: 65.5 KB
Link: Removed

Chapter II: Luck
The action just starts to kick off here. We find out about some of the world's situations.
Word Count: 8,470.
Size: 96.5 KB
Link: Removed

Chapter III: As good as dead
More action, more knowledge. Leaves some suspense during the end of the chapter.
Word Count: 7,218.
Size: 88.0 KB
Link: Removed

Chapter IV: Lovesick
Here, I decided to do something different and change to the other main character. Foreshadows the next chapter a bit I guess.
Word Count: 6,032.
Size: 80.0 KB
Link: Removed

So yes, you will find out the plot/ main characters from reading. Take your time as I am in no rush. Would like to hear feed back about mistakes I will possibly make. Point of view is third person omniscient, so I can go into characters minds if I wish. I am hoping at least someone will read the first chapter. I can put it on the forums if you wish, but don't blame me if its not as neat as in Word.

Here is an extra file:
Map of Amélioration
This is the map of the world that my characters are in. As you might read, I am not utilising much of it now, but I will be in the future.
Word Count: N/A.
Size: 957 KB
Link: Removed

rosenthalpiano

By the sheer word count alone, it seems obvious you've done quite a lot of work on this.

To be honest, I didn't get past the first page, and here's why: The sentences are too simple, and too many of them begin (more often then not) with the words Sage, he, she, and it. In other words, not enough variety in the sentence structure, which can sometimes become a little tiresome to read.

Some of the sentences, however, are phrased oddly. In such cases, simplicity WOULD be called for. For example: "Joli let out a giggle at Sage." I would personally say "Joli giggled at Sage."

You might also experiment with sometimes replacing proper names with pronouns. For example: "As long as Sage worked under his Orchard, Sage had to obey." could become "As long as Sage worked under the man's Orchard, he had to obey [the rules?]." or perhaps "As long as Sage continued working under his Orchard, he would be forced to obey the rules." (I would personally opt for something like the latter, but its all a matter of preference).

Skimming through some of the rest of the first chapter, I can see that it does start to pick up a bit, but I also see that there are some places that could use some fixing up gramatically, especially with missing commas. For example at the bottom of the 6th page: "Reaching the far Orchard he found it bustling with activity." should be "Reaching the far Orchard, he found it bustling with activity."


I hope this was not too harsh of a critique. I'm sure you have quite a well-developed story on your hands, but the writing needs quite a bit of polishing in order to capture the attention of your audience.

Surreal

I would rather harsh comments then general comments. I realize that I need a lot of improvement in my writing. Yeah, when I first started writing this I did use a lot of the same vocabulary. I have tried to change, but to what extent I am not sure.
When I finish my book, I will of course go through all the comments left and change them as I see fit. However I tend to skip through my own work, which is possibly why simple sentences are the norm.

Thanks for your comments, I hope to edit my work to be as professional as possible once finished the first draft of the book. Also if you read my introduction post, it would say I have problems with grammar. So you were not harsh, I love constructive criticism on my work because I don't see any mistakes it in personally. When I get pointed to a mistake I realize it is and well fix it.

--Okay, so I dragged on a bit and went off topic with my reply. Thanks for the criticism! Looking forward to reading what others will post.

WriteStuff

I didn't even read anything, I just wanted to say that putting it in word documents threw me off. I just didn't feel like reading it. 30,000 words is a lot so keep going, unless it falls apart.

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Surreal

Aha, I would have thought that putting it in word documents would have made people more inclined to read it, due to the easier to read double spaced lines and the fact that its indented paragraphs. Oh, well I guess not. I'll post some of it in parts on the forum later on. For the moment however, I'm just content finishing the book itself. Editing is what will come next, and I will need a lot of it.
I plan on writing over 100,000 words, so I am at least one third of the way there. If I am writing 2,000 words a day, then in 33 days I should have my 100,000 words. Though the story is not about word count (It would make an interesting story), it is about my character. Note: This is the first novel I have written and planning to complete. The last one failed at around 30,000 words (Something distracted me), so lets hope I get past that point.

Anyway, thanks for the input WriteStuff. I now know why I haven't received many replies (out of the 39 views).

Surreal

I'm just curious, but what do you guys think of made up languages? I am planning to have one in my book and would like to think what your guys opinions on them are.
My one however isn't just a bunch of random words that I make up. I actually have an alphabet for it (With symbols and normal Latin letters). I also have how some of the structure of words are used and sentence structure. It's mainly written for speaking, therefore there are not much grammatical aspects to it as such, just how and when you would pause etc.

No -- it is not in the chapters above. The language I used above was French (ha ha) and from an online translator. But I thought on it and well I can do better and decided to have my own language.

An update on words: 38,000. I am 2,000 words behind so far (a whole day). I am trying to keep a schedule, so that I don't take myself off track and leave the book forever. Need to catch up on those 2,000 words sometime soon.

rosenthalpiano

Don't use an existing language like French unless you know what you're doing. Some people (such as myself) know French reasonably well and would be able to tell that you have no idea.

The same thing can sometimes go for made-up languages. Tolkien did this, but he was a true genius in that he actually made his "languages" with quite an extensive grammar and a reasonable vocabulary.

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If I critique you, please return the favor.

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Chapter Two: A Wooden Box
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Surreal

Yes, well I decided not to use French. Now the language I am developing can be quite complex in a way, but is also simple compared to english because its use of few words to decribe many things.

Anyway, a question I would like to ask, about languages. My language uses symbols and what not that you would not be able to pronounce etc. Would it be better to say sound out the words in enlish or write them in the symbols used by the language.

I'll give an example.
Word - Meaning - Pronounciation
Ψegћtë Greetings Neg-kit-er

Would it be better to say write 'Negkiter' or 'Ψegћtë'?
In my opinion I would probably write Negkiter in speech, but say he was reading a scroll or text, I would use the symbols. Would this be a way to go? I also have the alphabet, with the pronounciation guide and common usage guides. These could be included at the end of the end of the story. I could also possibly add foot notes as to say how to pronounce the words and what they mean.
This is where I am not sure what to do, there are so many ways I could possibly write the language. Any opinions on the matter would be kindly accepted.

killned3

Why you're using "psi" in the place of the letter "n" makes no sense to me. Even if it is made up, odd choice.

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Spice it up.

Surreal

Because I am not following the English language. Anyway, it suited the written form of the language as I have tested sentence structures and words. I also thought that 'n' and 'm' looked quite similar and sounded similar, so I decided to spice things up a bit. Also, the symbols do not represent the Greek/Cyrillic language I took them from, nor Latin (Though most Latin letters I use keep their Latin sounds to them).

The alphabet I created uses 27 symbols/letters from different alphabets. Some letters have specific rules to them, while others don't (like in English). Though I do use odd symbol choices to represent sounds, I think it may be better this way as it makes the language look more interesting then it is.

Just to give you an idea of the language, the above word is a formal but negative way of greeting a person. You would use this for an opposing King or higher rank then you.

Jöψa Greetings Jot-nah
This word is formal, but positive. You would use it for allied kings or higher ranked officials then yourself.

The words sometimes look similar to the way they are meant to be pronounced. If I was reading the above word, I would take the psi symbol as a 'y', therefore pronouncing it as Joy-ya which is very similar to Jot-nah the offficial pronounciation. However, everyone see things in different lights which is why I was interested in your opinions.