The Spiraling: Power Wars - Writers Forum

Jericho's Downfall · 04-19-2007, 09:25 AM

I figure that I need a precursor to Wars of Jericho so I have begun to write about the War that the Walls spawned...it is about 15 years before Wars of Jericho

The Spiraling: Power Wars

It had been only three hours in this damn camp and new recruit, James Richardson, wanted to escape. He was only 17. He hadn’t yet graduated high school and now he had to learn to use a gun. He wasn’t alone. His best friend, 19-year-old Mason Raven, had also been recruited. Mason had a much more military look with his rugged, serious face and unshaven beard. He was slightly over six feet and was very muscular. He had tried to weight train Richardson when the pair was recruited. Richardson could bench 120 lbs. Raven put up 215 lbs. easily. He wasn’t bulging out of his clothes but he was intimidating.

Richardson was a complete opposite of Raven with a youthful look and a clean-shaven face that never knew the feeling of facial hair. Richardson was barely 5’11” and had as much muscle as he had as a freshman three years earlier. He wasn’t powerful but he figured he could rely on his speed.

This morning was a “special” morning as the staff sergeant said. It was training test day for the older recruits and beginning of training for newer ones. Richardson was not looking forward to the training. He sat on his bed staring at a picture of the girlfriend he was leaving behind. He glanced over to Raven who was doing pushups next to his bunk. The staff sergeant entered.

“Welcome to boot camp. I am not here to babysit you bastards. I am not here to make sure you have a good time. You will feel sore everywhere on your body. If there is a place that isn't sore and you complain about your pain, I will personally make sure that you feel even more discomfort than you are feeling. Do I make myself clear? Honestly I don't care for you answer so don't bother speaking unless I personally address you. This war is not fun, so training for it won't be fun either. If you have a problem, go join that damn resistance...Toxin or whatever the fuck they call themselves.” The sergeant didn’t yell. Nonetheless, his voice was like venom. Richardson shivered at the pain that was in store for him. “Today for the new recruits, you will be running 15 miles. Be ready in 10 minutes. After you run you will report to the mess to eat. Afterwards you will learn to use the weaponry and tomorrow, at 0500 hours, we will have a little war game. Welcome to the big leagues.”

The sergeant slammed the door and left the 12 inhabitants within the bunk to discuss the days to come.

Kai Dante · 04-19-2007, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jericho's Downfall

He was only 17. He hadn’t yet graduated high school and now he had to learn to use a gun. He wasn’t alone.

for this part, you could possibly change the sentence structure. the sentences seem to short for this scene. short sentences are better for fast moving, action scenes, and longer sentences are for when you are explaining things.

for examle,

He was only 17, and had not yet graduated from high school. Now he had to learn to use a gun, but he wasn't alone...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jericho's Downfall

Welcome to boot camp. This is not going to be fun.”

and this. it doesn't seem typical of a seargent. a seargent would probably say something along the lines of " get your asses out of bed. this is boot camp. you all are gonna hate the shit out of me by the time we are done today, but i don't give a damn." and then go on to explain what they are gonna do. you can try and fit " this is not gonna be fun" in there somewhere if you want.

remember, these are only suggestions.

apart from that, i would really like to read on. hurry up and finish the next bit and pm me with it when you are done!!!

Great story.

twitch · 04-19-2007, 08:34 PM

same thing as kai dante, i loved it.

Jericho's Downfall · 04-20-2007, 08:33 AM

by semi popular demand...here's the new part

“Fuck.” This simple word was uttered by a recruit sitting on the corner of a bunk in the back of the room. Richardson recognized him as Ryan Ellsworth. He was varsity on the airsoft gun fighting/military tactics team from the rival school to Richardson’s. Richardson knew him from a party where Ellsworth had gotten into three fights and nearly picked a fight with Richardson. Ellsworth wasn’t monstrous but he could have easily reconfigured Richardson. When Richardson looked over to Ellsworth he saw the same shaved head as everyone else above a face that was plastered with an eternal hate that could be unleashed on anyone at anytime. On the left side of the face, next to one of Ellsworth’s empty grey eyes, was a scar the stretched from the middle of the left side of the forehead to just above the bottom of the left ear.

“You said it.” Raven spoke with a hint of laughter in his voice.

Ellsworth turned to look at Raven and didn’t change his expression. He didn’t say anything. This was the end of the conversation in the bunk.

It had been five minutes and no one moved. The sergeant had come back in to reprimand the recruits for lack of discipline and said they now had only one minute to meet outside in full army uniform. This seemed ridiculous with the heaviness of the auto armor. It was nearly as bulky as football shoulder pads, only it was heavier due to the steel plating. Richardson tried it on and it weighed him down. The worst part was that it became smaller to fit tightly on his body so it wouldn’t move around. This snug fit made it nearly impossible to run. And the armored, steel-plated cargo pants didn’t make running much more fun either. Either way, the 12 recruits met outside.

“Okay you little fuckers. Welcome to the fifteen mile run. We will be running up the mountains. You will be running through mud, water, pure rock, and possibly some decaying dead soldiers. Last place will have to do it again tomorrow at 0100 hours. Let’s get started ladies.”

The sergeant began to run with the recruits trailing behind. Once they reached the mountain, many of the soldiers were already panting heavily. Raven, Richardson, and Ellsworth stayed up along with one other recruit whom Richardson didn’t know. They had only gone half a mile.

Time elapsed and the sun had gone down. Several times the group had passed a corpse. One soldier had thrown up because of the sighting and also because of the run. The sergeant yelled out that they had two miles to go.

At last, the recruits saw their barracks. The sergeant stopped the group at the door.

“You are all weak as of now. By the end of these next few months, you will be machines…” He paused and looked towards the horizon. In the light from the spotlights, everyone could see the last recruit running. “Son, you are two minutes late. Congratulations, you are running this again tomorrow. I’ll wake you up. By the way, the mess is closed so you won’t be eating. We will commence weapon training now. Follow me.”

The sergeant walked to a hatch on the ground and unlocked it. The weary group of recruits climbed down the ladder in the hole. They appeared in a room full of guns. Ahead of them was a hologram projector. The sergeant turned it on.

“This is a Gun Training hologram projector. It will project an enemy; you must kill the enemy in the designated way within the time limit. It gets harder as it goes on. You will be using these holo-caps as your bullets. They are non-lethal and only affect the enemy hologram. You will begin with the O22 SIAR, the Standard Issue Assault Rifle. It’s a brand new issue of assault rifle that was created back in 2070…three years ago. So I guess it isn’t that new. But you will learn it. You will use it. You will live by it or you will die by it. This and your armor are your lifelines.”

Jericho's Downfall · 04-22-2007, 08:22 PM

do i add more...or wait for critique?

Jericho's Downfall · 04-23-2007, 01:19 PM

Richardson took a rifle from the rack lining the wall. It was heavier than he expected. With the combined weight of his armor, his felt like he would collapse into a pile of flesh and bone on the floor. When this horrific thought left his mind, he loaded the rifle with the holo-caps and walked to hologram projector.

“Ready?” The sergeant, Richardson thought, most likely didn’t care if Richardson was ready or not.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good. Begin.”

The hologram appeared and Richardson saw an enemy soldier materialize in the dim light of the chamber. The soldier was obviously from the Northeast Quatrasphere that the Walls of Jericho broke the earth into. Richardson fired his rifle and easily vanquished the hologram. The sergeant pressed a button and two soldiers appeared. They were eliminated quickly. Then four soldiers. Three down, then a shot fired that hit the armor. The armor responded with a flashing light, and an automated voice sounded the words “Survivable…Continue.” Richardson fired at the last hologram. Then a massive group of at least 18 appeared in a ring around Richardson, who instinctively began to spin with his finger on the trigger. He took out 10 and then was hit several times. The automated voice sounded the words “Soldier Eliminated.”

The sergeant approached Richardson with a strange mix of pride and rage on his face.

“You are a decent marksman, recruit. But what the hell kind of shooting was that. Spinning around like some wind-up, dainty, ballerina? You will work at it until you have perfected it. Now report to your bunk. You have a few hours to rest before the first war game.”

Richardson was unfazed by the condescending remarks but he didn’t show his ignorance. He climbed the ladder and trudged to the bunk. Instantly, in his full armor, he fell into sleep.

An alarm sounded. Richardson bolted upright and looked out the window. He heard a booming voice over the intercom.

“This is the first war simulation. Strap in boys. It is bunks 1 and 2 versus bunks 3 and 4. Once you reach the forest, weaponry will be strewn about the grounds. The bullets are paintballs full of red paint. They are state of the art and will behave as bullets. They are non-lethal, but you may want to protect your face. You begin now. The winning team has the night off. The loser is gunna have some special plans later on.”

The other soldiers in the bunk were strapping in their armor and Raven was already at the door. Richardson and Raven began to run towards the forest and noticed that a green light was shining on their armor as well as several other soldiers. Others had red lights. Now they knew the enemy. Raven spoke.

“This is gunna be insane. You ready?” He was excited.

“I guess.” Richardson wasn’t sure what to expect. He was nervous, tired, and on top of that, he was starving. “This damn war is pointless anyway.”

“I know what you mean. If the equator and prime meridian had remained imaginary lines rather than having these damn walls, there would be no power struggle. I guess Jericho, being the ruler of earth, needed a way to make himself known forever.”

“The Walls were as far from peacemaking as possible.”

“Yeah I know James but we can’t talk politics now, we got a battle to win.”

“Whatever you say.”

The soldiers approached the forest. Richardson found an O22 and Raven found a weapon with two barrels labeled AAAW. He looked at the ammo and it held a large paint grenade in the bottom barrel and regular paintballs in the top barrel.

“These weapons just get better and better.”

killned3 · 04-24-2007, 07:27 PM

Just basic advice...

Show, don't tell for your first post. Boring to read.

Write numbers out. It's more seamless that way. Numbers distract and interrupt the flow of the story.

Seems interesting enough otherwise, but if you want it to be even more interesting, you have to give your story life.

Hope I've been of any help.

Colt

WriteStuff · 04-25-2007, 04:53 PM

I love it. Post more. Post more. And then post some more. I will read it all. Besides a few minor errors (like forgetten 'the's') it is awesome. I'm intrigued by the characters and by the situation. I want to know more about Jericho and the Walls. Keep it up.

This is one of the best pieces I have read in these forums.

Jericho's Downfall · 04-25-2007, 05:20 PM

Gunshots were heard far off and Richardson and Raven ducked down into the underbrush. A soldier from Delta Team walked cautiously through the forest several feet from the two concealed recruits. Richardson looked over at Raven. Raven had seen a .45 handgun on the ground and was reaching carefully for it. His fingers wrapped around the handle and he propped it up and fired two shots at the other soldier. The disabled soldier’s armor light turned off and the auto-armor released and fell to the ground. The soldier began to jog back out of the forest.

“Nice shot Mason.”

“Thanks, but I’m gunna need a shitload of nice shots if we’re gunna win this thing.”

The two stood up and began to run deeper into the trees. Richardson saw another gun on the ground. It was a sniper rifle. Raven was a few feet ahead and picked up a shotgun. The two soldiers put their other weapons on a clamp on the back of the armor.

Richardson knelt down behind a tree with the sniper rifle and he beckoned Raven over.

“I think I saw something.”

“Where?” “Raven was looking around.

“To the right.”

Richardson saw more movement. A green soldier ran towards them and was gunned down. His armor came off and he jogged away. The red soldier that had been responsible for this takedown scouted the area but saw no one. This was because Richardson and Raven hid under a mass of leaves, moss, and mud. Richardson raised himself up enough to see through the sniper scope and he aimed for the red soldier. Finger squeezed trigger and the force of the paintball jerked Richardson’s arm backwards and pushed the target forward slightly. He lost balance and fell over. The armor released and the soldier looked around for his attacker. He found nothing and ran from the spot.

Several hours had passed. It was dusk and the siren signaling the end of the war game hadn’t sounded. Raven and Richardson had met up with Ellsworth but he had been shot down shortly after because he couldn’t hide quickly enough.

In the near dark, Richardson saw a Delta soldier walking slowly; clutching what seemed to be a rocket launcher. Raven ducked and pulled Richardson down.

“We need to take him out. Whoever controls the biggest weapon controls the war.” Raven had excitement in his voice. He’d gladly stay out in the forest as long as needed. Richardson didn’t care what happened. Nonetheless, he took out his sniper rifle and realized the scope had changed to night vision. It apparently adjusted to the dark. Quietly he pressed down a button on the side that zoomed the lens. The enemy soldier now took up most of Richardson’s sight. He fired and hit his target. Raven ran to pick up the rocket launcher as the soldier jogged away. Suddenly a barrage of rounds was unloaded on Raven. It had been a trap. Raven laughed good-naturedly even though all those rounds would have inflicted even a slight amount of pain even with the armor. Richardson stayed hidden.

Three soldiers extricated themselves from the brush and made their way into the clearing where the rocket launcher lay. One of them picked it up and Richardson took him out. A second soldier had seemed to have seen the flash of light the rifle had emitted and picked up the rocket launcher; diving out of the way at the same time. The soldier fired a rocket before Richardson had a chance to fire. The explosion was strong for a non-lethal weapon. Richardson felt the force in his chest and was blasted backwards, colliding with a large tree. He was covered in red. Some of the red was paint but some of it was Richardson’s own blood from twigs and rocks scraping against him. The siren sounded. Alpha Team had lost.

Jericho's Downfall · 04-25-2007, 07:29 PM

btw WriteStuff...read Wars of Jericho after this or it'll either be confusing or it will give away every little thing that i haven't yet explained in this one...if you don't care if you know everything in the backstory then read Wars now if you feel like it...cause in the case of this it will still have some shockers that aren't mentioned years later in Wars of Jericho

ghent96 · 05-11-2007, 10:32 AM

Interesting, but definitely continues to need revision and refinement. 4 walls encircling the earth seems a bit unrealistic for only 60 years into the future, as does 1 sole ruler over the world. Usually the first story in a series explains more of the history and backstory, no? It's always annoyed me a bit that some authors write a series and expect every reader to know EVERYTHING in every single previous book - there should be enough duplication, rehash, and info inside each work, each book, for it to standalone fairly well. Sure, have extras and special bits for loyal readers to understand, but draw in new readers rather than turning them away because they don't get what's going on in one of your books.

Jericho's Downfall · 05-11-2007, 12:22 PM

well...i learned from the book that succeeds this that i don't wanna put too much info...in walls of jericho i basically just put the entire backstory in leaving no suspense or anything