Charlie_Eleanor

Okay, I have finally completed a RUFF DRAFT of chapter one. Whew, I'm exhausted. Please note that if you visit my blog you can read the whole edited story thus far, but anyways. Here is chapter one (PS-there is a prologue on the blog, thanks.)

Please let me know what you think. Let me know anything you think needs to be changed. And know, that eveyr moment you spend reviewing this is greatly appreciated:

-One-





The boots would be blue with black embroidery of Reezin Tree Blossoms. Spearwa knew Fel hated blue, and boots for that matter, but it was the only thing she was comfortable in. Blue had been her mother’s favorite color. Her brother, Jay, detested the idea as well, but gave into her tantrum with the stipulation that she had to look ‘pretty’ for the Zuname Festival.

What did pretty mean anyway? When she asked Jay he had simply told her to grow up. Ever since her father left, and Jay became the head of the household, he insisted on acting terribly mature. Spearwa certainly didn’t think Brid was pretty, with her short legs and scraggly hair. She wasn’t even graceful in her movement, and therefore, could not help in the water field. Jay and Brid had taken vows last winter when it became obvious that they had not waited to consummate their rights as a couple. She was now five months with child, and the way she looked it might be more than one.

In the end Spearwa decided that everyone thought flowers were pretty. Of course, she would need a new black tunic to match. She decided to visit Crow, the weaver, for this task. After all, she had been making her own boots since she began working in the water fields, but she had never dared to attempt a tunic. Such precision was meant for a more feminine hand. Not that of a farm-maid.

She walked down the path through the center of the field. The hot breeze beat against her neck, and she could taste the scent of flowers on her tongue. She breathed deeply, closing her eyes, and that is all the time it took. Fel jumped from behind the hollow tree and pushed her to the ground.

“Felicjan!” Spearwa exclaimed. Not willing to allow another sound from her lips, Fel kissed her with fierce passion. For a moment Spearwa let herself go. She felt his tongue against hers, his longing body pressed against her thigh, and his hand softly touching the small of her back.

“Stop Fel,” She whispered, “no one can see us like this.”

“Why? Everyone knows that you are the one I love!”

“Everyone may know, but not everyone approves, especially my brother.”

“Your brother is…..”

“I know,” she said as she touched her lips to his ear, jumped up and ran towards town.

Fel continued to lie on his back, savoring the taste of Spearwa on his lips. She had become such a beautiful woman. Her long dark brown hair hung in waves over her ivory skin, and her exotic grey eyes seemed to entrap his soul. She looked like no other woman in the village.

Felicjan and Spearwa had grown up together. They had become very close since her mother disappeared. He had taken the soft spoken, grey eyed girl under his wing when she was not more than seven years of age. Together they explored the stream, dreaming of it becoming a river that lead to the sea, and what worlds lay beyond. Often Fel would help in the water fields. He did not exhibit the grace and beauty that Spearwa had while working with the myriad of plants, but he made up for it with his patience to learn. Spearwa’s brother, Jay, never really warmed to Fel, but he tolerated him. After all, Fel’s talent with a bow provided them dinner many a winter’s night.

It became clear a few years ago, after Fel passed the age of adulthood that he had fallen in love with Spearwa. He paid her every attention and defended her when the other children teased her for being so different. She too returned his affections with the occasional touch and soft word, and before long they found themselves in each others arms.

But, their love was forbidden until Spearwa herself became an adult. They had each counted the days until this upcoming Zuname Festival. This was the year Spearwa’s calling would be declared, and they would be free to be together.


******


Spearwa could now see the village. The buildings were so heavily decorated with foliage that an outsider might become confused and think that there were no houses at all. In the center of the buildings that made up the town was a circular lawn called the Green. People were busy setting up tents and tables for the festival tomorrow. Spearwa hoped that she had not come too late for Crow to be able to finish the tunic before the festivities began.

She entered the dark shop. Crow was sitting at a table, carefully stitching together yards of fabric. Who knew what she was making? The magic the chubby dark skinned girl worked with cloth was not a magic Spearwa understood.

“Crow, do you think you can make me a black tunic by tomorrow?”

“A tunic? At the festival? You must be joking Spearwa. You should wear a dress.”

“I’ve already made boots. It is too late for a dress.”

Crow looked at her. Spearwa knew what she was thinking. The kind of boots she wore were not socially acceptable. They were thigh high boots meant for working in high water. She didn’t even wear any pants with them, only a tunic that she fastened with a belt so that it resembled a make-shift dress.

“I want the tunic extra long. That should be acceptable enough,” Spearwa smirked. She was sick of people judging her. Crow grumbled under her breath. “What was that?” Spearwa snapped, instantly regretting her haste.

“It will be ready in the morning,” Crow chuckled. “There is no taming you, wild Sparrow.”


******


As she stepped out of the shop door she was encompassed by the bright sunlight. She could immediately hear Fel’s breathing, but could not see him for the temporary blindness caused by the daylight in contrast to the dim-lit shop. He had been waiting for her.

“Tomorrow you will be an adult,” he said. Spearwa could finally see him, and looked into his face with knowing eyes. “Will you meet me in the tent at the edge of the Green before the festival?”

She smiled and walked away towards the farm. No words were needed for him to know she accepted his invitation.


******


Spearwa entered the tent at dusk. She was alone. Had Fel forgotten? Every second seemed like hours as she waited. Boxes of supplies surrounded her, full of food, drink, and decorations. Suddenly, she felt his hands behind her. He kissed her neck. “I am in love with you Spearwa.”

“And, I am in love with you.”

He lifted her new black tunic, and cupped her breast in his hand. He remembered how he used to make fun of her for having strange pillow like objects on her chest. Now he only longed to caress them. She pressed into, and knew he was happy, for once, that she didn’t wear trousers beneath her boots. Slipping her undergarments down, he entered her from behind, feeling her gasp from within. In these moments their love was not judged. They could hear the crowd gathering outside as he pushed further into her. Squeezing her tight he began to sweat from the excitement. Her muscles were beginning to spasm. Finally, he let himself release. “I love you,” he whispered.

“And, I love you.”


******


Fel watched as Spearwa straightened her clothes. “So, do I look pretty?” she asked.

Fel laughed. He knew what she was asking. “Yes, except for one thing.” He pulled the string from her hair and admired it as it fell down her back. The dark brown curls matched her skin brilliantly. “Now you look beautiful.”

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Charlie_Eleanor

The Zuname Festival marked the celebration of children entering the life of adulthood. Enock was the towns Divinite, sometimes referred to as the seer. He was in charge of the main festivity at the Zuname Festival, the Reezin Tea Ceremony. In this ceremony each child that would be entering into adulthood would sit in a circle and drink tea made from the Reezin Tree bark. The tea was usually made to aide in the ability to have visions, and was drunk only by the Divinite. However, on this occasion, the tea was meant to help the children and Enock to discover their permanent role in the community.

After the tea was gone each child would lie down, and Enock would move around the circle slowly. He would guide their spiritual journey through gentle whispers, and when he came to a conclusion for each child’s place in society he would help raise them to their feet. A final whisper that revealed their destiny was spoken into the child’s ear, and they would go to a private place of their choice to contemplate their future. Thus, they entered adulthood.

The tradition had been conducted longer than any of the elders knew. Over the years it had become understood that the male’s prophecies were far more significant than the females. They would be the ones to take on the role of the healer, warrior, or hunter. Every one waited in anticipation for the boys to return from their contemplations, and reveal what life task they had been given.

This year was even more significant for the males, because Enock would be choosing his apprentice. That apprentice would eventually take on the key role in the community as the Divinite.

Of course, the girls were not without expectation. They might have the prestige of being named as a mid-wife, seamstress, or, on rare occasions, a second healer. Spearwa had known for a long time that she would be named a farm-maiden. After all, working in the water fields was her greatest skill, and a skill that few people had. For her the tea drinking ceremony was only another step to being able to take vows with Fel.

With these expectations Spearwa walked towards the Green. The circle meant for the Reezin Tea Ceremony was on the far side. Tapestries depicting different scenes of battle, farm life, and nature were situated on the outside edge of the circle. Spearwa sat on one portraying a beautiful tree that had different birds adorning each branch. She watched as the other children she had grown up with sat in their places. Three girls and five boys waited patiently for the ceremony to begin.

The villagers grew quiet as Enock entered the circle. He carried a basket full of Reezin Bark to the center, where a black caldron was boiling over a small fire. He began to whisper something that Spearwa could not quiet hear, but somehow she knew is was a prayer. He dropped the bark into the water, one piece for every child and himself.

Each child lifted their cup as Enock filled them with the steaming liquid. Spearwa looked into the water with suspicion. She wondered, like she often did, if this moment would change her life. A smile crept onto her face and she glanced up at Fel. He stood there, eyes meeting hers. He was so tall and strong. His brownish-red hair curled from his head, and brushed softly on his shoulders. For a moment she couldn’t breathe. He smiled back at her.


The drink tasted like the earth, like sand in ones mouth, and the feeling of sand started to run throughout the veins in her body. It made her heavy, and she fell back onto the tapestry. She felt her soul escaping its prison through her grey eyes. It lifted itself into the air far above the village, and for an instance she could see the entire scene below. It was gone quickly though. Her conscience turned north, and she saw a man lying in a field. He was alone and sleeping. He opened his eyes and saw Spearwa above him.

“Soon,” he whispered.

Suddenly she was in the grove, and her mother was telling her a story. She tried to cry out and kiss her mothers face. She had missed her. What had happened to her? But she was unable to move.

“Spearwa, you must listen to me when I say this. You are not like your brother. He is a good man, and will contribute to our people throughout his life. But, you cannot put down roots here. This village is like the tree, each person a root that holds it to the land, but you have been born with a different calling. You are only a bird that has rested on the tree until your time has come to fly north.”

Spearwa heard herself laugh. It was not her voice, but that of young child’s. Her mother smiled. Oh, she had missed the warmth of her face!

“You might laugh, but this story will come to you again someday. You have to know that not everything is what it seems. They will come for you if you do not fly away, and I may not be here to help.”

Suddenly she was yanked away. No! She clawed at the invisible ropes that pulled her. This isn’t enough. I want to see more. I want to remember her words!

A bright white sky filled her vision. A tree on a hill was blowing in the wind. Slowly it was being pulled from the earth. Each root tried to hold itself in the ground, but the wind only blew harder. Spearwa tried to help it. She tried to grab the tree and pull it back down to the ground, but it was gone.


She was back in the circle. Enock had lifted her to her feet.

“It will be okay, little one,” he whispered. He saw the look in her eyes, the longing to see more. “Soon…Now, you must lead your people as the Divinite your mother and I both knew you were meant to be.”

She was shaken. What? She would be the Divinite? Her mother had known this? She had spoken with Enock about it?

Enock nudged her before she was able to consider another thought. She dumbly stepped out of the circle and began to walk. Tears inadvertently streamed down her face. Spearwa collapsed when she reached the Grove, laying her face down on the earth where her mother had set in the vision. She cried for her mother like she had never done before. Her tears, testimonies of grief, ran down the bank to meet the stream.

The water field was made up of three different land elevations. The plants grown there were used to make different breads particular to the Cunaie. They were raised in three stages. In the first, the seeds were planted on the highest elevation that barely held enough water to cover an ankle. Once the plants were ready to bloom they were moved to the second elevation where the water easily cleared ones’ knee. And finally, shortly before the harvest, they were transplanted to the lowest elevation where the water was as high as someone’s thigh. It was very important while working in the water fields not to disturb the plants. A dramatic ripple in the water could destroy an entire harvest.

When Spearwa came in sight of the farm Jay was in the midst of moving plants from the first elevation to the second. Brid was laying on the edge of the field, attempting to be of help by telling Jay what an awful mess he was making of whole affair. Fel sat near her, looking contently at the water, waiting. Spearwa knew he was waiting for her return, and swallowed the tears that now rose to her eyes.

“Finally,” Brid said flatly. She was the first to spot Spearwa. Fel leaped to his feet and ran up to her; he clasped her with restraint, not wanting to offend her brother. The look they shared was enough to tell Spearwa how much he had missed her.

“We were worried.” Jay said, barely looking up from his work. “All of the other children returned within the hour. You were gone all night.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, afraid to tell her brother what she must. “I had a lot to think about.”

“Like what? Being a farm-maiden?”

She looked at them. Her brother was working hard; sweat ran down his back, soaking his tunic. Brid lay there; looking up at Spearwa questioningly, and twiddling a piece of grass between her thumb and forefinger. And Fel; he looked at her intently, happy, lovingly. She suddenly realized that she didn’t care anymore and kissed him. Brid gasped, and her brother turned, but Fel kissed back. They smiled as their lips pulled apart, slowly opening their eyes.

His eyes were what gave her strength to tell them. She knew he would always love her. “He ordained me his apprentice. I am to be the Divinite.”

Spearwa didn’t know how her brother and Brid reacted. All she saw was Fel. His eyes went from emitting such joy to the deepest wells of despair.

“You are joking,” Jay said, as Fel turned and walked away. Spearwa didn’t answer, she only followed.


He finally stopped on the crest of a hill that overlooked the forest and mountains beyond. His hair blew madly in the breeze as it kissed away the tears running down his face.

“I love you, Felicjan,” Spearwa said. She wanted those words to make the rest of the world disappear.

Fel turned, rage pouring forth from his eyes, “If you loved me you would not do this!” Spearwa was stunned. It was understandable to be angry, understandable to be hurt, but why was he turning on her. As she thought it his body crumbled to the ground. The strong man she knew began to weep. Spearwa leaned down and placed her arms around him, “I will always love you.”

“But, we will never be free,” he sobbed. “The Divinite does not take vows with anyone. Our love will always be a shameful yoke.” He looked at her with hopeful eyes, “Tell him no, Spearwa my love. Tell him you have promised yourself to me. Tell him that my love is your destiny.”

She did love him. Spearwa loved Fel with all of her being, but there was something else. Her mother had known of this. It was not simply an outlandish suggestion to be Divinite. It was something foreseen.

She held Fel close to her, the way her mother had held her when she was just a child, “Change is never easy, my love. Let us speak to Enock. He is very wise and I am sure he has some advice to give.” The crying stopped. “I am not giving up on our love Felicjan. I want to know why this is happening to me. Please, will you stand by me?”

He looked at her. Something in his eyes again had changed. A forbidding resignation seemed to take over his body and his voice, “I will always love you. I will follow you where ever your life path may take you. I only dream that someday you will be completely mine, and for that hope, I will follow.”

THANK YOU!

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Kamisama

You lose ethic and care when you use "ruff" in a joke. It's not very relevant to your writing. Deduction of three points.

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Charlie_Eleanor

I guess I will hope for a 97%. Thanks Kamisama.

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nineteen

ok i've printed it off. i'll read it soon. too many distractions. latets tommrow
i have a driving lesson amoung other things.

pls you should see what Roland just did in the RPG :O

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(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Paige Turner

certainly worth waiting for, charlie. alex said to use this smilie:

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i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

nineteen

wonderful!!!! i was hooked.

i can see now a trend. like Iris Spewra is like this really bitchy, takes-no-shit woman. this is really the only thing of yours i've read though. there was a lot of passion and emotion. esp in the sex bit, it was VERY intense i felt. it's a very complex and imaginitive world. obviously well thought out i must say. i think it's cleanly written and easy to understand. the charachters are very real and easy to belive too. her bother and her BF are just great tbh. you know i accually wanted to read the rest. i felt sorry for Fel at the end, but i'm not sure if Spe really wants to be with Fel now. it seemed that she maybe just wanted to take this chance.

i feel thier love is very good. it feels young and stupid and it's just really good the way have to hide it, it adds exitement. overall: loved it. would have read on. but i have a question. do you feel it all goes too fast? it seems you gloss over thigns that could have been longer. maybe that's just me, i mean you could streach things out a bit, but then you'd risk being rambling. just for the sake of inreasing chaper-length.

plus there's no spelling errors either, which is good from my point of view. i'll try to do that too

but i just feels very real, very tangible. it's like so many realtionships that i've had to keep secret from one person or another. but i can see you have a bigger plot. but maybe it's just me but i felt you kinda sprung that whole bit where spe finds her destiny on me. i mean as soon as you say "no woman have ever..." i know it's going to be her. mind you my fingers still tingled when she found out. i dunno, if i wrote that it'd be like 10 pages longer, but then i ramble. pfft, never mind. well anyway great stroy, keep writing. i hope you find the time to write more, cause i will accually read it as soon as it's posted. lol.

keep writing... or else.

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(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

The Thing

This critique also includes the prologue from youe blog.

Interesting opening, but then what you do next is why I don’t generally read fantasy: you start introducing me to your world. I would rather you showed me it was a tribal village; that they worshipped Zuname; that they live a peaceful, self-sufficient life and that they show no interest in the world beyond their territory. You could get several chapters out of that and show you characters interaction with this world and help us get to know both them and the world they live in.

Same goes for when you summarise Spearwa’s life. You could show us that in a couple of chapters. Then, instead of us being told what Spearwa’s life was like we have experienced it with her. Or, an alternative would be to have Spearwa interact with other characters and let her tell her story. Either way, it builds her character without you having to spell it out for the reader.

With the prologue I would either cut it completely and work the details established into the main plot, or focus on the chase. I think if you focus on Sperwa's mother running away that would be the hook that draws the reader in, because you then slow it down for the first chapter - which would be too slow to get me hooked if it didn't have the exciting prologue that asks the questoin: what just happened?

I don't think this paragraph is necessary. It has been established that Fel has a crush on Spearwa through his actions.

The rest of the chapter is fine, but it did drag on a bit after the ceremony. You style is easy to read, but this isn't my cup of tea. If you post any more I'll give another couple of chapters a go... see if you can grab my attention again.

Keep up the good work.

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Nero's Mistress

Magic Dust Productions

Grey Dog Software

velo

I agree with The Thing that one of the biggest dangers in fantasy is focusing too much on the scenery and not on the characters. I read a lot of fantasy in my younger days and would point you to Stephen R Donaldson's "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant" for a way to do it.

The fantasy world (called The Land) in this lengthy series is introduced to the reader piecemeal, as Covenant (the protagonist anti-hero) discovers it, piece by piece. THere are the requisite "explanation soliloquies" as characters tell Covenant about various aspects of The Land but it all works because it flows well with the story and you don't feel like you are reading a travel brochure.

Go ahead and explain your world, you have to of course, but break it up so that explanation and descriptions follow from the main characters' experiences. The real trick to this kind of writing, and is one I personally struggle with a great deal, is learning what not to say and letting the reader fill in the gaps.

It's a very hard choice sometimes and is likely even harder for fanstasy writers as they know for a fact that the reader knows nothing about the world being created in their mind ahead of time.

In fact, after writing this I realize I have to go cut up my own prologue....I have way too much in there, lol...

[EDIT] actually, it sometimes works very well to refer to things and *not* explain them until later, or let the reader make assumptions. This can build suspense and interest when done in moderation. Too much of it and the reader may get too confused but it's a good tool.

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Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

Charlie_Eleanor

Wow guys, thank you so much for your suggestions! I agree with you, and I think I am going to edit what I have so far a lot. I really do appreciate all your time you put into reading and giving me your opinion. Hopefully the second draft(s) will be a little better.


Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

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