The Dark Prince- Legend of the Black Spiral - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 04-16-2007, 09:38 PM

Well, this is the beginning of a story I'm writing. If you think it is lacking description, you'd be right, but that's because I have held back on a lot of things you might find necessary, but if you take into account that most of what is going on is vague, then you won't have a problem, I do promise that it will clear up in time, so please bear with me for at least the entire chapter, cos this is only the first half~

Chapter One

Do not fear me. I will not show mercy if you do. If you reveal any weakness I will see it. Wear your heart deep within your chest and never let fear escape it’s hardened walls. Bury your shame and have pride in what you do. Never let go of something that you want. Be reckless, be extraordinary, be darkness itself. Rise up against all odds and never give in to anyone. A wise man once told me to be myself and live life as if there was no tomorrow. I have lived my past years in this way and continue to do so. I am The Dark Prince, and this isn’t an adventure, it’s my life.

Reach down in your sympathetic hearts and try to picture living each day as if it was your last. In reality, it just may be so. Do not be eager and let your head get filled with thoughts that you are better than anyone else. For reality will shine its daunting head and say otherwise. Throughout my life I have learned that life itself is to be what you choose to be. It is not for you to be told, but for you to figure out. Days will come and go and time will not stop for anybody. Take the risk and take life by the horns. Be sure to hold on as tight as you can because life will throw you off once it gets the chance. Sadly, I have been thrown off before, but I jumped right back on.

“Please, Aldric. Come back to me.” Her voice blazed in my ears and repeated themselves a few more times.

“You know I can’t promise you that, Kara,” I whispered in response.

She stared at me in some sort of disbelief. Her beautiful green eyes glimmering in the torch-lit room. I admired the way her black hair fell upon her shoulder and rested there as if it belonged. She held her hand out to me and I took it, the feeling of her porcelain skin flooded back to me and I missed it.

I lay in a puddle of mud, covered from head to toe by blood and dirt. My
arms and legs were sprawled out and I stared up at a moonless sky. I truly don’t know why I remembered saying goodbye to Kara, but I was glad I had.

“I know,” she said. “But, at least try and come back.” Her voice soothed me and somehow always made me feel like I could live forever.

“You know that I’ll try,” I said and gave her a farewell kiss.

“I will always love you,” she said.

“You’ve told me many times.” I smiled.

“I know,” she said. “I will tell you as much as I can.”

If only I would have said something to her afterwards. Maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have been in that puddle. I turned to my side and coughed. It made my head throb and my lungs feel as if they were going to explode. I grunted and attempted to sit up. Just as I had sat up, I went dizzy and fell backwards into the mud again. I grunted and opened my eyes to see only darkness.

“Why?” I asked. “Why me?”

My memories took me back again. Three men surrounding me. Each with a sword and shield in hand. I glanced between them and slowly pulled my sword from its scabbard. A small smile came across my face as the three men looked to me with confused eyes. They wore brown hoods and a black mask covered their face but left their eyes to see all.

“You don’t want to do this,” I said.

“Of course we do, Aldric,” he said and spat towards me.

My chest moved in and out as I shook the memory off. The men were somehow clear to me, as if they were standing above me. The curves of their faces--how the hoods blew backwards. They each had a brand on the back of their necks. The brand of the East. It was roughly made, probably a novice’s work. Three intersecting lines with a small circle appearing from where they all met. All three of them also had brown hair and because of their masks, I couldn’t tell the colors of their eyes.

I let out a rough breath and tried to sit up again. This time, I sat up and somehow managed to get to my knees. I could feel my knees sink a little in the mud and I looked up at the empty sky. The stars were covered by clouds and occasionally one would show itself but be masked again.

“I told you before,” I said. “You don’t want to do this.”

“Ha!” He unsheathed his sword. “Just you and me,” he said with a hint of doubt in his voice.

As I said before, I can sense fear. This man, whoever he was, was scared for his life. The man lunged at me and swung his blade. I blocked it with mine and he quickly pulled back. Something took over me, as it always does, and I began to take charge of the fight. I faked a swing to his left and made him jump backwards and fling his sword towards mine. He let out a satisfied breath and eased his stance.

The man gripped his sword tighter and I saw his lip curl up a little. He swung at me and I blocked it again. He held his sword this time and tried to push me away. I pushed back and we went back and forth for a few seconds. I glared at his eyes, finally seeing them. They were full of fear but a bright blue still shined. By the looks of it, he was only a few years older than me.

“Do you fear me?” I whispered and pushed him away.

He flailed backward and let his guard down again. His mouth hung open in disbelief of what I had asked. I’m not sure of what became of the man’s accomplices, but I think that they had fled as soon as the fight had started.

For that split-second I let my guard down and the man struck, swinging his blade across from his right. I dodged and turned myself to face the blade. I blocked it with my sword and swung upwards violently. I grunted in success as I saw his blade fly from his hands and land on the ground away from us. I pointed my blade towards him and tilted it down slightly to signal for him to get on his knees. He quickly obliged and I stepped up to him, lightly holding my sword to his neck.

“I warned you,” I said. “Any last words?” .

“Yes,” he said. “Tell my wife Erin, I died with honor.”

“Done,” I said and slit his throat. The man collapsed to the ground, to never utter another word again.

To Be Continued...it's ready if you want it...

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 01:26 PM

Too long? if so, I can tone it down and make it a 3 part thing...

Mystery · 04-17-2007, 01:30 PM

you dragged a non-important fight scene too long.
It's boring to read if it isn't very plot central.

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 01:32 PM

I see, thanks. I'll take what I can out and make it less long, I suppose...any suggestions on how I would go about that?

Mystery · 04-17-2007, 01:53 PM

You just have a lot of useless things. Lines that repeat and dialogue that repeats or is just too cliche after the first use. A cliche reaction(cocky fighter). You also need to pick up technical fighting terms.
Parry, dodge, lunge, sunder, they all make the fight seem better because it's like you know what you're talking about. Also try to not give extremely accurate detail about fights, leave a few things open to the reader. Describe how he dodges once in laymans, second/third time just say he dodged or parried to the left/right.

Forgot, try to not give direction to attacks unless you want to make some kind of trademark move. A lot of people will get confused with having to constantly think between left and right.

And no offense but

Quote:

Do not fear me. I will not show mercy if you do. If you reveal any weakness I will see it. Wear your heart deep within your chest and never let fear escape it’s hardened walls. Bury your shame and have pride in what you do. Never let go of something that you want. Be reckless, be extraordinary, be darkness itself. Rise up against all odds and never give in to anyone. A wise man once told me to be myself and live life as if there was no tomorrow. I have lived my past years in this way and continue to do so. I am The Dark Prince, and this isn’t an adventure, it’s my life.

Reach down in your sympathetic hearts and try to picture living each day as if it was your last. In reality, it just may be so. Do not be eager and let your head get filled with thoughts that you are better than anyone else. For reality will shine its daunting head and say otherwise. Throughout my life I have learned that life itself is to be what you choose to be. It is not for you to be told, but for you to figure out. Days will come and go and time will not stop for anybody. Take the risk and take life by the horns. Be sure to hold on as tight as you can because life will throw you off once it gets the chance. Sadly, I have been thrown off before, but I jumped right back on.

You lack profoundity or a complete understanding of the shallow morality you're preaching, so it comes off as preachy or cheesy and made me think twice about continuing to read. It got better after but the cockyness/cheesiness is present in those repeating fight lines/scenes so it gets tedious.

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 01:56 PM

Oh, I see what you mean. I'll try to see what I can do. I wanted the first two paragraphs to be thought of throughout the entire story, I guess I lost the effect easy...well, isn't that what drafts are for? to find mistakes and fix them~

Thanks a lot, but do you want more? or is this dead for you?

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 02:34 PM

I edited the first part...is it better?

Mystery · 04-17-2007, 02:38 PM

Yep, it's much more captivating this time, keep posting but im too tired to get into it now so good critique will have to wait

AND LEAVE ME A COMMENT XD

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 02:41 PM

It's a deal~

Crash_Tomas · 04-18-2007, 09:21 AM

Continued...

Sadly, I never found Erin. She would never know of her husband’s last wish and would never know exactly who killed him. She would probably be told a gruesome story of how he was slaughtered by a man with the darkest green eyes and the lightest brown hair. They would probably go as far as to saying I was a giant compared to him, when in reality, I was around his size. Erin would most likely hate me for what I did, even though she would be misled. What a shame...

With each passing day her hatred would grown until the day I would find her to try and sort out her husband’s death. He died a gruesome way, I’ll admit that, but he did die with honor. In times like these, honor is all a man can have that can’t be taxed, stolen, or bought.

“Aldric?” I heard Kara’s voice.

“Kara?” I asked and looked around for her. “Kara?” I called again. Nothing. Nothing but a memory. “Kara...”

Finally, I got to my feet and wandered the area to get used to standing again. Trees surrounded me, giant in size and flourishing with green, brown, and yellow leaves. Patches of grass lay in random places where in the day, the tree’s shade couldn’t prevent it from growing. I truly wanted to stay there but knew within that I wouldn’t be safe. I found myself on a path that led deeper into the forest. I fixed my eyes to see where it would lead but could see only the vast expanse of darkness.

“Let darkness lead the way,” I said and began walking down the path.

“Please Aldric, don’t go,” I heard Kara’s voice again. I stopped and spun around to search for her. All I wanted was to see her beautiful face again.

“I shouldn’t have left,” I said and continued to walk further, realizing it was another creation of my heart.

The moonless sky seemed to smile on me, with all of its stars. I looked up at them and thought about my adventures up until then. I have had my share of adventures and I have a feeling that more are on their way. I have fought in epic battles, I have found great treasures and I have seen extravagant places crumble before my eyes.

It was then that I realized how much I had gone through to get to this point in my life. The Battles for the West, and the Crusades for the North. I had led warriors into battle in each of these and have lived while others died. I sometimes wonder if I deserve to live or somehow I have cheated death and it is only a matter of time before it catches up and finally makes me succumb to its immense power. But then again, I have followed my heart and somehow I have ended up here.

I remember quite vividly the awful details of war. To see someone that you know in their last seconds on this earth is hard, to live on after they die is harder.

“Aldric!” Char yelled.

He was about to die and I was the only one close enough to help him. I had known him since the beginning of the few years I had spent on the Crusade for the North and somehow had formed a bond with him.

“Aldric!” he yelled again.

I could see the blood gushing from his side and saw his sword still gripped tightly by his hand. A bloody arrow lay on the ground next to him, where he had pulled it from his wound. His face was covered in dirt, blood, and black tar. I saw his armor was broken and as I knelt next to him, I began to tear it off of him.

“What are you doing?” he asked in between coughs.

“The armor is putting un-needed pressure on your wound,” I said sternly. “It needs to come off.”

Char coughed again and I saw blood start pouring out of his mouth. He wiped it with his hand, but only smeared it across his chin. I knew he was going to die but he didn’t need to know.

“Aldric,” he said and then paused. “I don’t want to die.”

“I know,” I said. “but, don’t be scared to die.”

“I’m not.” He coughed again. “But, I don’t want to die now! Not like this!”

“I know,” I said and started to breathe heavily. Char stared at me, his light eyes becoming empty.

“Aldric?” he asked. “Is this death?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Tell me so that I know.” Even in his pain, Char smiled. He somehow found the strength and managed to laugh a little to himself.

“I see darkness,” he said. “But at the end, there’s a light.” His eyes looked into mine, but somehow I knew he wasn’t staring at me. “The light...” he said and paused. “Goodbye, Aldric...I’ll wait for you.”

Char died on that field, with me kneeling next to him. I closed his open eyes
with my right hand and took in a few breaths of the stale air.

I felt tears begin to fall down my cheeks. With one hand I wiped them away and sniffed in to regain myself. The memory had gotten to me.

“Char...” I said and looked up towards the sky. “I hope you’re still waiting.”

Somehow I had survived the Crusade for the North. Don’t ask me how I did because I honestly don’t know. Each battle just drove me further and further into some sort of darkness. It is difficult to describe but it makes everything else fade away and all that is left is you and the target.

During the Battles for the East I had finally gone over the edge and stepped fully into the darkness. A force beyond my comprehension forced me over the peak of darkness and light, I was in its control.

The air was stale again. We were surrounded by forest--trapped by the warriors just within the tree’s darkness. By that time I had learned to dwell into the darkness and become it during the battles, but I always was able to come back into the light.

“Attack!” our sergeant bellowed. We were going to try and break through the
trap by brute force. It was a last resort.

“Become darkness...” I whispered to myself as I unsheathed my sword. “Let darkness lead the way...”

And the battle began.

My heart began to race. The hairs on the back of my neck rose and my sense of smell, touch, sight, and sound peaked. I followed the perimeter of the trees and saw the outline of every man standing in its shadow. I calmed my breath and started to walk towards the trees. I did it casually, as everyone else ran and wasted their energy. By the time they had reached the trees, they were winded and tired. I, on the other hand was at full strength.

“Ah!” an enemy yelled and charged at me. I switched my stance to defense and plowed my sword into him. I flipped my sword around and felt darkness take over. It was about a second after that I blacked out.

As I was awakened, I became aware of my surroundings again. I was standing on the other side of the trees, covered in blood and dirt. My chest heaved in and out as I struggled to catch my breath. It was the furthest I had stepped into the darkness and I hated it. Usually I could recall what I did, but this time I couldn’t remember anything.

“What have I done?” I asked as I heard cheers of victory from all around me. We had broken through the trap and somehow had managed to capture our would be captors.

“Aldric?” someone called for me. I turned and saw no one. “Aldric?” I heard again and turned to look the other way. “Come, Aldric.” The voice was stern and gravelly.

“Who are you?” I asked aloud.

“Silly Aldric,” the voice said. “I am the darkness in your heart.”

End of Chapter One

Mystery · 04-18-2007, 11:51 AM

While the first part was odd and kind of boring/made it feel cheesy, this second part is REALLY REALLY good, great philosophical feel and profound statements, spot on with the emotions and it has that hook(His friend waiting for him and Kara) and it also has that character giveaway(that he tried to find Erin and is disappointed in not).

10/10.

Change on little line. Where you talk about death catching up, immense power seems obvious and mundane, replace it with something a little more fitting to the general profoundity.
This is a really well built character, everything you write here made me think you've sat down, know what his like and pinpointed the emotions he needs and how to portray them, they come across perfectly.

Crash_Tomas · 04-18-2007, 12:16 PM

Thanks a lot. But, I am unsure of how to put the "immense power" thingy. "catches up and finally makes me succumb to its..." I have no idea~

But, anyway, This is my favorite character that I've created. He varies with my other ones and is a nice twist to have. He has the prophetic feel like some of my others, but he also has something extra that just makes it fun to write.

Mystery · 04-19-2007, 09:39 AM

"catches up and finally makes me succumb to its..."

-Unwavering will
-Unending duty
-Everlasting Judgment

"catches up and finally makes me succumb to MY..."

-Unavoidable demise

And so on

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 09:43 AM

ohh, I see now. I like the unwavering...it's such a cool word~

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 09:57 AM

Chapter Two

You’ll have to forgive my digressions, but they are the reason for me being who I am. I could tell you many stories of places I have been, things I have done, and people I have met, but that would be a waste of time. With each new experience, my story grows larger and branches off in every direction imaginable. When you meet someone, your stories intertwine and become one. Their story before they met you is branched off and the story after they have met you continues. When you part with people, their stories are still a part of yours.

As I stood there on that battlefield, the voice’s words repeated themselves to me. ‘The darkness in your heart.’ Questions emerged with those few words. Was there truly darkness in my heart? Or was it just my conscience playing games with me? I hoped I just imagined the voice, but with time I figured out what it truly was. I had somehow become darkness.

I shook off the memory and continued my journey down the dark pathway into the trees. They seemed to be enveloped by the shadow of the night, just as I was. To me, it was a symbol of what I had become. I wasn’t evil, but I was somewhere close to it. I hadn’t been completely overtaken by the darkness, at least not yet.

At the end of the trees, there was a clearing with a small village. I could make it out by the lanterns sitting in the windows of cottages. I had been to this place before, although, I can’t remember the name. I walked slowly towards it (I wasn’t in a rush) and continued to think about anything else than death and darkness. I wanted to find light; whatever that is.

Branches cracked beneath my feet and gravel crunched. The air was dry, with the scent of stew still lingering. I sniffed it in and automatically became hungry. My stomach growled and I could feel my mouth water. I quickened my step and looked around for a place to stay for the rest of the night.
Each cottage looked the same, with the lanterns in their windows and smoke pouring out of the chimney. They were small, but looked to be cozy. This was a small village with probably a little over twenty people in it. I walked along the main path and looked for someone that could help me.

I stopped at a cottage at the end of the road and saw a man walk past the window. I wanted to just yell out to him, but decided it best to knock on the door. I walked up to the cottage’s wooden door and knocked lightly. I heard rustling from within and the door slowly opened to reveal the man’s round face.

“Yes?” he said, his face turning red. “May I help you?”

“My name is Aldric,” I began. “I need a place to stay for tonight.”

“I can’t help you with that,” the man replied and cleared his throat. “But, three houses down is an Inn.”

“Thank you,” I said and quickly turned from the cottage. I walked hastily three cottage’s down and saw a sign in the window that read: “Trish’s Inn.”

A dirt pathway led back to the Inn and I quickly walked down it. I knocked on the door and waited. A woman opened the door and stared deeply into my eyes. I was reminded again of Kara. This woman resembled her in a way.

“Yes?” the woman asked. Her voice was soft and welcoming.

“I need somewhere to stay for the night,” I replied.

“Come in then,” she said with a smile.

The woman showed me into the house and into a bedroom at the end of a tiny hallway. A single bed sat in the corner along with a lantern on a side table.

“Enjoy your stay,” she said and closed the door before I could say anything further.

I let out a long sigh and un-strapped my sword from my belt. I leaned it against the side table and began to pull of my dirt covered shirt. A sharp pain jolted up my left side and I grunted in agony. I held my hand over it and felt the jagged outline of a fresh wound. It was covered by a bandage that I didn’t remember putting on.

“What the?” I whispered.

“Aldric!” I heard someone yelling. I turned around and felt my heart begin to race. “You must fight, Aldric!” the voice yelled. It was the darkness again.

“I won’t!” I yelled.

“You must!”

“No!”

“Then you will be mine!”

“No!” I yelled again. I waited for the voice to speak, but it didn’t. I let out a sigh of relief and lay on the bed.

Chapter Two...To be continued...