The Dark Prince- Legend of the Black Spiral - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Mystery · 04-19-2007, 10:31 AM

This is a good relax from the philosophy. You describe well, keeping an almost textbook method(using the sense's), something I should adapt to my own writing to give a bit more specification to it since it lacks it atm.

Also, I like this darkness thing, Grimsoul has something similar but it doesn't appear until second arc with him, so I gotta finish the first before I can write about it

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 10:47 AM

Why thank you, Mystery. I needed to progress the story a little bit and thought it best to do it this way. I'm glad that you caught on to the description. I'll slowly be working it in, because that's how I wanted to write this one. Be vague and slowly work it in without the reader really knowing it's there. Sort of complicated...but that's just how I roll, lol~

anyway, I have an update ready, but since you're my only commenting reader, I'll hld it back until your own eyes can recover from the awfulness of this awful story, lol~

Mystery · 04-19-2007, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Why thank you, Mystery. I needed to progress the story a little bit and thought it best to do it this way. I'm glad that you caught on to the description. I'll slowly be working it in, because that's how I wanted to write this one. Be vague and slowly work it in without the reader really knowing it's there. Sort of complicated...but that's just how I roll, lol~

anyway, I have an update ready, but since you're my only commenting reader, I'll hld it back until your own eyes can recover from the awfulness of this awful story, lol~

I'm used to reading 300 papers in a day, I don't need to recover from anything

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 11:34 AM

OK...then maybe later~

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 02:34 PM

Chapter Two...Continued...

My eyes opened and closed a few times--sleep was coming. I tried my best to fight it, but there was no way I could win. Darkness always wins...no matter what.

“Excuse me, sir?” the woman called from behind the door. She knocked lightly afterwards and I sat up as she opened the door.

“Yes?” I grunted and grabbed my side again.

“You’re hurt,” she said. I noticed she held a plate with food on it.

“It’s nothing,” I reassured her.

“I bet,” she said. “I’ll get some clean bandages. Don’t move,” she ordered and lay the plate on the side table. She paused as her eyes focused on the sword that lay against it. I could tell she wanted to say something, but instead she shook her head and walked out of the room.

“Ugh!” I grunted again and fell backwards on the bed. I saw the ceiling begin to spin and the lantern’s light flickered. It didn’t occur to me that my eyes were closing. Before I knew it, I was asleep.

When I awoke the next morning, I found myself laying under the sheets of the bed and had a new, clean bandage on my side. I attempted to sit up, but was stopped by a jolt of pain. I held in my yell and let out a long breath instead. I rested my head back against the pillow and continued to stare up at the ceiling.

A knocking at the door came again and the woman came in. I turned my head to face her and stared into her deep brown eyes. She held a content smile on her face and brought another plate of food on a tray. She placed it on the side table and looked at me with her beautiful eyes.

“Who are you?” she asked. I didn’t expect a question like that, so I remained silent. “Answer me,” she ordered.

“A-Aldric,” I finally managed to say. My voice was dry and it sounded like a hiss.

“Let me help you up, Aldric,” she said and tilted my head forward a little. She moved the pillow up to the head of the bed and then grabbed me under the shoulders. “One, two, three,” she counted and heaved me up towards the pillow. She wouldn't have gotten me far if I didn’t help her. But, I do give her credit, she was strong.

“Thank you,” I said with my dry voice.

“Drink this,” she said and handed me a cup from the tray.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Water,” she answered. I nodded and drank.

“Thank you,” I said, my voice becoming normal.

“You’d better eat,” she said and turned to the tray.

She lifted it and placed it on top of my lap. I looked down at the plate and saw a bowl of porridge, a sliver of bacon, and a bunch of eggs. A fork sat, wrapped up in a napkin and she unfolded it for me. She handed me the fork and placed the napkin over my chest. I scooped up some of the eggs and shoved them into my mouth and began to chew. Before I finished, I opened my mouth to speak.

“Wuh--” I managed to say before I coughed.

“Careful,” she said and continued to watch me eat. She stood on the side of the bed until I had finished.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome, Aldric.”

I hadn’t been hurt since the Battles for the East. Even then, I continued to fight without being held back. It was only a wound to my left arm, and it
healed--leaving a jagged scar.

“Where did you come from?” she asked.

“Cape Ashburn,” I replied.

“You’ve come a long way,” she said.

“Yes.” I nodded.

“You should get some rest,” she said and turned to leave. “You can stay as long as you like.”

“Wait,” I said and she turned back to face me. “What is your name?”

“Trish,” she answered with a smile and closed the door behind her as she left. The door clicked and I stared at the wall.

“Kara misses you,” the voice said. “She wants you back in Ashburn.”

“I know,” I said.

“Go, Aldric,” the voice ordered.

“I can’t,” I replied.

“Why?”

“I must do what I came to do.”

“To fight?” the voice asked eagerly.

“No,” I answered. “To find the Black Spiral.” I waited for the voice to say something, but it was silent. I let out another long breath and closed my eyes to go back to sleep.

To be Continued...

Crash_Tomas · 04-20-2007, 12:51 PM

3 posts by me in a row...I hate doing this...anyway...there's an update above...for my one reader who comments~

Renos Babe · 04-20-2007, 07:33 PM

okay, i like it, the whole lot. interesting, it kept my attention focused, and it has a good plot line.

Mystery · 04-21-2007, 12:16 AM

It was well written and didn't get boring anywhere in, this story gets better/more focused as it goes.

playstation60 · 04-21-2007, 01:15 AM

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
Chapter One
[/center]
Do not fear me. I will not show mercy if you do. If you reveal any weakness I will see it. Wear your heart deep within your chest and never let fear escape it’s hardened walls. Bury your shame and have pride in what you do. Never let go of something that you want. Be reckless, be extraordinary, be darkness itself. Rise up against all odds and never give in to anyone. A wise man once told me to be myself and live life as if there was no tomorrow. I have lived my past years in this way and continue to do so. I am The Dark Prince, and this isn’t an adventure, it’s my life.

Reach down in your sympathetic hearts and try to picture living each day as if it was your last. In reality, it just may be so. Do not be eager and let your head get filled with thoughts that you are better than anyone else. For reality will shine its daunting head and say otherwise. Throughout my life I have learned that life itself is to be what you choose to be. It is not for you to be told, but for you to figure out. Days will come and go and time will not stop for anybody. Take the risk and take life by the horns. Be sure to hold on as tight as you can because life will throw you off once it gets the chance. Sadly, I have been thrown off before, but I jumped right back on.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

I didn't care for how this was written. Too wordy in spots. And, the first line of the second paragraph should read;" Reach into your sympathetic heart", not hearts. Sorry, changed the wording slightly, but you get the idea.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
“Please, Aldric. Come back to me.” Her voice blazed in my ears and repeated themselves a few more times.[quote=Crash_Tomas]

I would change repeated to repeating.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
“You know I can’t promise you that, Kara,” I whispered in response.

She stared at me in some sort of disbelief. Her beautiful green eyes glimmering in the torch-lit room. I admired the way her black hair fell upon her shoulder and rested there as if it belonged. She held her hand out to me and I took it, the feeling of her porcelain skin flooded back to me and I missed it.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]
The first line is too wordy. You lose so much of the meaning of things, of the tension you're trying to build by using too many words. She stared at me in disbelief, would have been more than enough. Remember the KISS method, Keep It Simple Stupid.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]

I lay in a puddle of mud, covered from head to toe by blood and dirt. My
arms and legs were sprawled out and I stared up at a moonless sky. I truly don’t know why I remembered saying goodbye to Kara, but I was glad I had.

“I know,” she said. “But, at least try and come back.” Her voice soothed me and somehow always made me feel like I could live forever.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]

Ok, WTF happened here. He's talking with the chick, and then suddenly he's in a puddle of mud? And first she's staring at him in disbelief, because he can't promise that he'll come back, and then she's soothing him? No, don't work that way. Pick one emotion for her, and go with it. Don't make this more complicated than you need to.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]

“You know that I’ll try,” I said and gave her a farewell kiss.

“I will always love you,” she said.

“You’ve told me many times.” I smiled.

“I know,” she said. “I will tell you as much as I can.”
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

Seemed awkward to me.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]

“You don’t want to do this,” I said.

“Of course we do, Aldric,” he said and spat towards me.

My chest moved in and out as I shook the memory off. The men were somehow clear to me, as if they were standing above me. The curves of their faces--how the hoods blew backwards. They each had a brand on the back of their necks. The brand of the East. It was roughly made, probably a novice’s work. Three intersecting lines with a small circle appearing from where they all met. All three of them also had brown hair and because of their masks, I couldn’t tell the colors of their eyes.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]

If they are standing above the character, how does he see the back of their necks?

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
“Ha!” He unsheathed his sword. “Just you and me,” he said with a hint of doubt in his voice.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

No, no no no and NO. Don't do this. NO! The "soldiers", whatever you want to call the guys surrounding our MC, have the advantage via superior numbers. They should have confidence at this point. You don't make a statement such as "Just you and me", and be doubtful about it. It's a bold comment, cocky.

[quote=Crash_Tomas] I pushed back and we went back and forth for a few seconds. I glared at his eyes, finally seeing them. They were full of fear but a bright blue still shined. By the looks of it, he was only a few years older than me.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

What does the guy's age have to do with anything?

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
“Do you fear me?” I whispered and pushed him away.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

Good, I like this. It's the type of comment that helps give the MC some character.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
He flailed backward and let his guard down again. His mouth hung open in disbelief of what I had asked. I’m not sure of what became of the man’s accomplices, but I think that they had fled as soon as the fight had started.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

Going back to what I said before, you need to pick one emotion, one stance, and go with it. The man and his accomplices are the types of characters that prey on what they perceive as the weak, enter your MC. They cannot enter into an engagement with anything other than utter confidence that they are going to walk away the victor (survivor if you want to be technical), or they lose all credibility. This paragraph openly contradicts the tone you set with the comment about his voice betraying doubt.

Secondly, what kind of fighter would be surrounded by opponents and then lose track of them? The kind that doesn't live long. And again going with the character types, how often does it happen where you have an uneven fight in terms of numbers and it ends up being a one on one thing, with the other parties standing by idle? Almost never.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
For that split-second I let my guard down and the man struck, swinging his blade across from his right. I dodged and turned myself to face the blade. I blocked it with my sword and swung upwards violently. I grunted in success as I saw his blade fly from his hands and land on the ground away from us. I pointed my blade towards him and tilted it down slightly to signal for him to get on his knees. He quickly obliged and I stepped up to him, lightly holding my sword to his neck.
[quote=Crash_Tomas]

I would change struck to attacked. Struck, to me, implies that he made contact, but you then say that the blow was dodged. Makes things murky.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
“I warned you,” I said. “Any last words?” .

“Yes,” he said. “Tell my wife Erin, I died with honor.”[quote=Crash_Tomas]

NOW is the time to put in a comment about him betraying a sense of fear.

[quote=Crash_Tomas]
“Done,” I said and slit his throat. The man collapsed to the ground, to never utter another word again.[quote=Crash_Tomas]

Don't think you need anything after the comma in the second sentence. Just extra garbage.

Overall, it's not too bad. Needs some mechanical things fixed, and you DEFINATELY need to clarify things, but it was a good first post.

Crash_Tomas · 04-21-2007, 03:28 PM

thanks, that the kind of stuff I needed, but I think you missed something. Some of what you said you might have not noticed. A lot of the things with the woman and him were memories...I think it says so in there somewhere...and the things with the men standing over him...If I remember correctly he says they seemed to be right in front of him, but weren't actually... maybe you missed it or I wasn't clear enough....but it's meant to be vague.

anywho, thanks for your comment, play~

Azmakna · 04-21-2007, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Too long? if so, I can tone it down and make it a 3 part thing...

try to avoid phrases like 'hardened wall' a wall is by its very nature 'hard'

playstation60 · 04-21-2007, 09:08 PM

I didn't care for how you transitioned between current time events and the flash backs. There really wasn't any kind of prompting, it was just one and then the other. Confusing, and often took me the entire paragraph to catch on that I was in this period of time or that.

Az, that's not entirely accurate. A wall is something that prevents the flow of something. It does not need be hard to be a wall. But I do agree that under most circumstances you don't need to qualify it as a hard wall.

Crash_Tomas · 04-22-2007, 11:16 AM

I see what you mean, play...but after all, it is a first draft and I don't expect everything to stay exactly how it is right now. In my next draft I'll b sure to establish between the memories and the real...I'll make it longer and have it much better. I'm surely capable of it, so thanks for poninting out what you didn't like, I suppose~

Crash_Tomas · 04-23-2007, 02:17 PM

Here's mroe of chapter 2

I was running. The cold air whizzed by my face as I darted in and out to avoid trees. My chest heaved in and out and I struggled to breathe. How long had I been running? Who was I running from? More importantly, why
were they chasing me? In my years, I have never been the pursued.

“You can’t run forever!” I heard a screeching voice from behind me.

I turned my head to see, but quickly regretted it. I felt my feet lift off of the ground and a sinking feeling took over. I was falling. I collided with the hard earth with a thud and let out an agonizing yelp of pain. Footsteps slowly moved in behind me and I felt the presence of someone standing over me.

“I told you so,” the voice said calmly.

“Could you be any more childish?” I asked and turned over to face my pursuer.

“Yes.”

My eyes followed up the figure of a man. His body was shrouded by the darkness of the night. We were in the woods. He wore black clothing and as my eyes fell upon his face, I saw only darkness. His eyes burned a brilliant yellow and his black hair just lay past his shoulders. He looked like me. He was me.

“Who--?” I began to ask.

“You’ve asked this before, Aldric,” the man said, his lips barely moving. “I am the darkness in your heart.”

“No!” I yelled and sat up. I was in bed, under the covers. Trish’s Inn.

“Aldric?” I heard Trish’s voice along with light knocking. She opened the door and peaked her head in. “Are you alright?” she asked and noticed I was sitting upright. She ran over to me and spoke again. “Lean back,” she said.
“Slowly...slowly...good.”

“Trish?” I asked.

“Yes?”

I thought for a few seconds and then said, “Thank you.”

“For what?” she asked.

“Everything.” Trish smiled and turned to leave again.

“Goodnight, Aldric,” she said with a giggle.

“Goodnight...”

I felt sleep come again and found myself standing in the middle of a barren forest. The trees were dying, the entire area was either dead or on the verge of death. My feet were both bare and I wore my usual tan slacks. I wore a light chest plate and held my sword firmly with both hands.

“The time has come, Aldric,” a voice spoke softly.

“I know,” I said and paused. “Everything will change now, won’t it?”

“Yes, everything will change.” The voice paused. “Lower your sword.”

“No,” I replied. “I still don’t trust you.” I was talking to someone, but didn’t know who it was. In the dream itself, it was as if I knew who I was talking to. Was it truly a dream? Or was it something more?

“Don’t drift too far from your path,” the voice continued. “Your story is not what you think.”

“My story doesn’t include you,” I said defiantly. “Now, leave!”
The voice chuckled to itself. “Suit yourself,” it said and everything was silent.

My eyes slowly opened and I realized I was back in bed at Trish’s Inn. I wondered about my “dream” and then was pulled back into reality by the soft knocking on the door.

“Aldric?” Trish’s soft voice came as she opened the door.

“Yes?” I said as I turned my head to see her.

“The wars have followed you,” she said.

“What?” I asked. “I don’t understand.”

“The watchman says the Western Army is heading this way.”

“Then I must leave,” I said and attempted to sit up.

“No!” Trish stopped me. “You must stay here!” She sounded as if she was scared for me, but she hardly knew me.

“Why not?” I asked.

“If you’re seen, they will kill you.”

“They can try,” I replied.

“If you want to die, then leave,” she ordered.

“I don’t want to die,” I said. “At least, not yet.”

Trish stared at me and seemed to look through me. Her eyes became concentrated on mine and I knew she was searching for something in me. I stared into hers and did the same. We stayed like that for a few minutes until she finally spoke again.

“Do you fear anything?” she asked.

“It matters your definition of fear.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“I know,” I said.

“Fine,” she said and left the room.

If I would have stayed in that town, I know I would have had a better chance of dying then if I left. So, that’s what I did. I left.

After Trish left the room, I slowly sat up, grabbing my side and tightening my body so the pain didn’t stop me from going any further. I lifted my legs over the side of the bed and stood up defiantly. The pain came, but I didn’t feel it. I was heading into darkness again. I tried to fight it, but as I said before, Darkness always wins.

I remember walking over to the side table and attaching my sword to my belt. Trish had left me new clothes sometime in the night and I looked through them. A black shirt sat on top and I quickly pulled it on. The darkness would take me over soon, but I was still fighting to keep myself aware of my actions.

“Let go, Aldric,” the voice said menacingly. “I’ll handle everything.”

“No,” I replied. “I can handle this by myself.”

“Then I’ll help you.”

“You can try,” I said and made my way out of the room.

“Aldric?” I heard Trish’s voice.

It didn’t stop me, though. Nothing would stop me. I was on the verge of darkness. It was where I still had more control. One slip of will and the darkness would consume me again. I couldn’t allow that.

As I walked, I whispered the few words that seemed to always help me. “Let darkness lead the way...”

To Be Continued...

Crash_Tomas · 04-24-2007, 06:45 PM

There's an update above this one...