Noumenon - Living life in a whisper - Writers Forum

Mystery · 04-14-2007, 04:00 AM

He could feel the massive torrent of energy surge through him, the power was overwhelming his body and slowly breaking it apart, he was deteriorating just from being so close to it, but it had to be done. If the massive shards of crystal that had impaled him weren't enough to stop him, neither was this.

He looked back, and saw her standing... reaching out to him in a moment of desperation as he pressed harder against the Ark, his eyes turning into a fiery portrait of his own will fighting the Ark's. He saw something in her eyes which he had never seen before, something he had felt only once, and had eternally wondered what it would be like to see.

With a final push, he thrust his very being, his soul and exarch in unison. The ark detonated with a mighty flash... this was his end.. this was the end of his story... he had completed his life's goal.

... Now... he knew what she had felt all those years ago.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's an intro that I had stuck in my head for a story. I wrote it here because I love how it goes, and I also want to continue it, I'm gonna write a small segment beneath as I go, but I mainly want to know how that small prologue sounds when read.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ah, welcome sire, it's good to see you again!" the slave trader exclaimed with enthusiasm, gold was coming his way. He quirked awkwardly as the his familiar customer walked up to the bar, wearing a robe covering all by his hands and mouth.
"Hi, got any new exotic toy's today for me?" He asked, not letting his eyes peak with excitement, how would he bargain if he gave away his enthusiasm?
"Oh, I've got a grand prize for you, she was just handed over to us by one of the Common rebel's, they say she's a princess mind you" He said, rubbing his two fingers against each other in anticipation.
"A princess eh?", this was what he had been looking for, "let me take a look at this princess of yours".
"You know our policy, even for a good friend like yourself, money first, women later" the slaver maliciously commanded.
"Ah, all work and no play" He answered jokingly and handed the slaver a small pouch.
"Ah, generous again I see! Follow me, don't be slow now".

The slaver took him through the bar's back door down into the "cellar". There he opened one of massive wine containers to reveal an empty passageway, one that both he and the slaver, as well as many other men around here, where all too familiar with. It led to the underground brothel where any woman captured without a man to speak to her was doomed to end up.

If there was one thing he could detest himself for, it was this. He had no time for relationships in his life, no love in his heart left to give. He was a man though, and thus he was always teetering on the edge with a desire for earthly delights such as women. That was one of his weaknesses.

The slaver ran down one of the several corridors, each splitting up in a branch where many rooms where, each with an exotic treat for eager travelers, or common townsmen. It had been build to mimic the shape of a tree, almost maze-like. It made it easier to guard the place, and also harder to get in.
He pushed open one of the side-corridors door open with a weak thrust, he wasn't a particularly strong man, and dragged him further into the complex jingling the pouch of gold.

"You're slacking off, hurry up" He shouted to the man.

They came to a rest halfway down the corridor to a large door, which has an almost toy like portcullis in front of it. The man pulled it up and unlocked the door.

"You first, come take a look at your little toy" The slaver edged him.
"As you wish" He answered back, holding the portcullis with his left hand and pushing the door ajar with his right. A wind of exotic and expensive perfumes flushed through the door, and soon a room full of pillows and see through curtains was revealed. In the center was a bed, and on it was a girl, on her knees, with a steel collar around her neck. The chain was fastened to the wall.

There was no doubt about it, she was the princess. Her hair was long, silky at first look but then almost like a wave of blue from the ocean. Her eyes were iridescent even in this shallow light, and their green shone back through her eyes. She was slender and even without touching her skin felt softer than any of the pillows around her.

"Common girl, what do you say" The slaver commander her.
"Azil neth namar, gontei" She spoke in a strange puzzle language.
"Don't be so shy, our friend here doesn't speak your language, say it like you're meant to" He commanded again.
"I will be your pleasure, master" She said in embarrassment.
"You said "this is my collar master"", he told her shocking both her and the trader, "too shy to say it in a language you think I understand?".

He didn't speak Agilean fluently, but he knew a thing or two. The neth namar was what gave it away. He knew it was a submissive term, something slaves say to their master to welcome them.

"No, master, I just know little of the common language" She said almost in fear as the slaver skewed his face in a tiny fit of anger at her.
"I didn't know you spoke their heathen tongue" the slaver remarked to the man.
"I don't, but I've picked up a thing or two" He said, eying the girl. She had that look on her face, that look that speaks of having given up.
"Well then, I'll be leaving you alone, I'm sure you both know what to do" the slaver snickered to himself as he locked the portcullis in place and began to pull the door closed. Before he could close it completely he stopped with a jolt as a superior force seemed to block the door ajar.

"Is there something wrong?" The slaver asked the man
"I'm sorry old friend, I'm going to have to kill you" He said, grabbing the small mans neck with a quick jab and throwing him against the wall. His limp body fell down on the many cushions, blood dripping from the back of his head.
She convulsed in horror as he walked near her, she had had the good wit not to scream immediately, but the urge was overcoming her.

"Don't worry Milady, I'm not going to harm you" He said, grabbing the thin chain that held her to the wall. He clenched it and snapped it in two with bare force. He then grabbed the collar around her neck and she pulled back and shut her eyes in fear. She felt his hand rub against her cheek and she timidly opened her eyes again to see he had broken the collar off her, without so much as a small crack.

"Why are you helping me..." She asked him.
"Because it's my job to do so" He told her, pulling off his cloak to reveal a very standard uniform. He was wearing a long white jacket, that covered him down to his feet, inside she could see, only at his chest, a black undergarment and the hilt of a weapon pocking out the middle. Just beneath his shoulder was a military bandana. She let out a cry of rejoice as she recognized an Agilean military mark. Along with the awkward long white jacket, his identity started to clear up, he was a high ranking officer, an Espadon, sent to retrieve her.

"Can you walk?" He asked her, gaining a more authoritarian stance, even though his face was shrouded by his long reddish hair. She turned her head left to right to signify that she couldn't. He grabbed her from her feet and back and picked her up. He kicked the door off it's hinges and slowly started to make his way down the corridor, her lying softly in his arms. She tingled inside and blushed as she thought of a knight in shining armor and her being the princess.

As they walked out of the wine container that doubled for the slave pen entry, two of the more bulky slavers were waiting for them. They appeared to actually have been trying to steal a drink, to their misfortune they had run into them.

"Hey, where are you taking that girl!" The one slaver called out.
"He's wearing their uniform, get him" The other said as they readied their spears"
"If you recognize this uniform you should also know I'm an Espadon, are you sure you want to try to take me with those meager weapons?" He mocked them, the one didn't even bother acknowledging him and thrust forward with his spear at the mans face.
He moved out of the way with ease and grabbed just beneath the spear head, pulling hard sending the one flying behind him, connecting face first with the wall. The other man looked at him viciously.

"I guess you're smarter" He told the other slaver who slowly lowered his weapon. The Espadon officer walked up to him slowly.
"I'm sorry, but I'm sure you also want to be knocked out, otherwise you'd be killed for treachery" he said as his knocked the slaver gently against the back of his neck, sending him into a forced sleep.

They made their way up the stairs and out of the tavern with many odd looks coming their way. Getting out of the bar was easy... getting out of the town... that was a different story.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Made some changes, starting to write second part now.

Renos Babe · 04-14-2007, 04:42 AM

i like it, it flows nicely and is very capitvating, i want more, is all i can say.

Mystery · 04-14-2007, 04:47 AM

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He stopped at the door, and looked around to see dozens of men hard focused on him. For a minute it stumped him, no one was very eager to draw attention of an Espadon.. Then he turned a little more and it hit him.

He lowered her down slowly and sat her onto a table, he pulled off his Hamaka(I think the japanese word for those long semi robe/jackets is the same, im going with it for now) and handed it to her.

"Get dressed quickly," he urged her as he pulled off the arm band that was under the shoulder and wore it at the same position again. Underneath the Hakama he had been wearing an almost identical, but thinner and looser robe. The hilt of his weapon remained the only visible part she could see, but a time like this was ill a moment for curiosity. She took the clothing reluctantly and wore it to cover her semi naked skin, blushing a bit as she realized just how many people had been starring at her body.

"Hey you, that's not what I think it is" Said a scruffy looking patron from the far side of the tavern. He turned around and a small grimace of urgency and distaste painted his face.
"What do you mean by that?" He asked
"That dress robe, it's... I've seen it before, it's what those soldiers wear" the thug stuttered. Many of the other sitting men were now shuffling about.
"What is one of your kind stealing a whore for?" Another called out.
He shrugged off the questions and turned his back to the yelling men.
His... kind? she pondered for a moment.

"I'm going to need you to walk this time" he told her, "it's going to draw too much attention if I carry you outside, and I don't want to make a scene here".
"I think I can manage now" She told him. He led her to the door and pushed it open, going first outside and looking around, then waving for her to follow. The night was starting to take over In Demir. It was good news for him, better news for her.

"THEY KNOCKED OUT THE SLAVERS!!...", a cry came from inside, "... they killed the owner!!".
"Damn, run" He told her, grabbing onto her hand and pulling her along. Her legs were weak and muscles aching, she had not been given a minutes rest from all the traveling it had taken her to get to Demir. Soon people were coming out of the tavern behind them, weapons in hand, scouring the surrounding for them.
"There they are, follow them!" Someone called from behind them. He knew better than to worry himself with looking back. He made a sudden tug on her arm and pulled her off her feet. She fell hard and drops of blood oozed from her palms onto the concrete. He didn't say anything but a troubled look on his face was truly worth a thousand words. He picked her up and began to ran again, having given the small mob behind them some time to catch up, his pace quickened.

"Run faster!" She urged him in a mockery of motivation.
"Heh, hold on then" He scoffed at her. She grabbed onto the cloth on his shoulders with all her strength as he ran faster and faster through the streets. They were too wide for him to hide or lose them in an alleyway, and there weren't many alleyways anyway, houses crowded his left and right, neatly packed one against the other made out of a dull gray stone.
Soon however he came to the docks. Two guards were sitting lazily against the wall of the Dock's arc entrance smoking. They lazily turned their heads to him, the mob was too far behind him now for them to see it, he'd manage to get through.

"Excuse me sir, identify yourself" The taller, chubbier of the two called out.
"I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry..." the guard immediately seized his weapon.
"Identify yourself. We're here to keep slavers out of the docks, if you don't identify yourself we have no choice but to arrest you, you're carrying a woman, you can't expect us to let you loose easy." They said.
He walked up to them slowly, with a big sigh.
Was he honestly going to bother with this now? With a mob behind them?
"Listen, men, I'm sure you have an important job, but so do I, this woman is in need of medical attention desperately" He blurted out to the men who seemed to buy the story at first.
"What's wrong with her" The chubby guard said again.
Before he could give an answer the mob caught up, noises and ruckus were heard just past the street leading to the dock entrance.
"What's that?" The other guard remarked and they both lost their focus on the Espadon.

He didn't waste time, he pushed through the guards quickly, nearly stumbling but recovering his balance with a few odd steps. He ran quickly as the guards turned on him. The stairs leading down where brutal on her, she jumbled and bumped about in his hands, nearly falling off twice as they made their escape.

When all seemed like it would be okay, another problem.

"You ain't getting away" a small crowd of well armed men, in matching uniform called out to the two escapee's.
"Damn, how did they get here so fast!" He half yelled. They were obviously slaver's, or slaver guards. How DID they manage to get here so fast?
Crossbow arrow's went zipping past them, gunshots were heard but the bullets were too fast to tell if they were going past them. He didn't slow his pace or speed up, but kept running with a dire urgency on his face.
As they neared the water the small wall that shadowed the steps down to the pier came in sight. As they had been nearing the pier a small layer of mist had surrounded them, she was hoping this would help them.

She gave a small cry of surprise when he jumped over the wall, landing nearly 15 feet lower on the wooden pier which creaked and cracked under strain. He didn't loose his pace once more and continued to run to the end of the peer, cries from the slaver group behind them becoming louder. The mob must have joined up.

The end of the pier came in sight... no ship.
His face betrayed his feelings as surprise and anxiety took a hold of him, his eyes light up with anger and at the same time a great encumbering worrying. She had no idea of what his plan had been, or just what was happening all along except that he was rescuing her, so she couldn't feel the same.
"Don't look like that, I'm right over here" a voice pierced the thin layer of mist.
His head shot to the right where a young man was standing in a boat, waving towards them. He quickly made for the boat, putting her down the minute he stepped on.

"For a minute there..." he exclaimed to the other man
"You make me sound like I'm not trustworthy!", he answered, "and who's this fine little lady"
"You don't need to know, just get us out of here, NOW!"
The man pushed violently against the edge of the pier, sending the boat out rocking hard. They both quickly picked up a set of oars and began rowing hard. They were in the clear. The deeper into the water they got the more the angry shouts of slaver and thug alike got fainter and less disturbing as before.

Once the shouts were left silent, he turned towards her, abandoning his rowing post while his companion continued to row.
He grabbed a small sack from under the seat and pulled her hands towards him.
"What are you doing?!" she tried to pull her hands back but stopped when he pulled out a roll of bandage from the sack. He didn't say a word as he tied up her palms.
She couldn't help but feel both immensely relieved and confused at the same time.

"Who are you?" she burst out with the curiosity that had been nagging at the back of her head ever since he broke her chains.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written on the go, shifty mood and rewrites are guaranteed, get criting.

Renos Babe · 04-16-2007, 12:11 AM

*drops to knees* more more please please its really good

Mystery · 04-16-2007, 02:57 PM

To clear something up, the setting is a sort or medieval/technological brew, there are things like phones, microwaves, TV's. No cars or massive iron cruisers, and guns are mostly decently developed while massive artillery isn't really all that progressed, warfare is still typical infantry warfare and so on, it will become more clear as it goes on.
In this world, there are Metropolis' which are epicenters of technology and civilization and then theres places with NO technology at all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He smiled and looked down at her.
"Grimsoul" He told her, making sure he didn't look at her as he said it.
"That's an awkward name..."
"It's what I'm called none the less"
"You whole name" She demanded, assuming that face that women her age took when they wanted something they weren't being given, half outrage and half childish desire.
"I forfeited my full name when I joined Espadon. My name's Grimsoul"

Espadon...
At first, Espadon seemed like a prestigious military rank... and in one way or another it could be assumed as such.
Espadon were top ranking members of the 2nd Order Military. As if it wasn't bad enough that they were the dog's of war of the 2nd Order, they were the ones who had been stripped of their ranks as captains because they were beyond and above that rank, they were expertises in combat or assassination, men molded for taking life. And yet there he stood, smiling as he panted softly from their escape only moments before. He looked satisfied with himself.
She didn't particularly know anything about the Espadon, no one did, but she was thankful none the less that he had saved her before she could become the toy of some rich creature.

They soon came to the shore, she didn't know how far they had traveled or how long, or where they had traveled too, but she felt reassured and safe by his presence. If he could get them this far, chances were he knew what he was doing.

"So, going to introduce yourself" He told her as he pulled her out of the boat and onto dry land.
"Oh, I'm sorry I forgot about it." Truth be told, she was too absorbed in thought to even care.
"It's okay" he handed the man in the boat a pouch of what appeared to be money, but it didn't jingle or shuffle when it changed owners.
"You lay low for a while, no one saw you so you should be okay, but we don't have any means of contacting you in this primitive town so if you get in troubl it's gonna be hard for us to know, play it safe" he dictated to the man and pushed the boat back out into the water with a kick. The mist around the water was in several layers, each later thick but in between them almost no mist at all, the night also helped make it harder to see past a few feet.

"So, mind telling me then?" His voice broke her thought
"Uhh?"
"Your name"
"Oh... Simone" she told him timidly
"Well Simone, we'd better get moving, if anything we want to make as far from here as possible" He told her
"Where are you taking me? 2nd Order? She asked him, allowing a faint bit of home to escape her voice.
"No, we were recruited by an isolated independent government to bring you back" Her hope, although faint and fleeting, was shattered.
"Back there...." she let slip from her thoughts
"What?"
"Oh, nothing"
"Then common, we better start, we couldn't ask for better cover" He told her as he began trudging through the wet grass, making a strange slushing sound every time he stepped on it.

They walked on through the night, staying close to the riverbed for quite some time but eventually abandoning it's guiding side. They marched steadily, the Espadon constantly making sure she kept pace when she lost herself in thought and anxiety, though scarce forest and eventually out into a small hilled plain. The morning sun hit them with an awful amount of fatigue from how much they had ventured.

"How much further?" She demanded
"More than you would think if I said a lot, you ended up very far from your home" He told her
"So we're just going to continue walking?"
"No" He told he as he pointed across a few hills to a column of smoke rising, "we'll be resting there".

They continued to make their way until they finally reached the other side of the hills, into a small welcoming town. There where only dirt road's but this town was in a much better shape than the slaver town. Merchants everywhere with portable stoves cooking food for travelers. Stores littering both left and right, dresses, food, accessories, anything you could imagine.
IT obviously wasn't as well supplied with technology as a Metropolis would be, but it had the basic comforts of life. He led her to an inn and got her a room, motioning for her to get some rest.

"Where are you going?" She asked him
"For a walk around" He said as he closed her room's door.
It wasn't a luxurious Inn, but since hotel's didn't accept travelers they were stuck here. It was a 6 by 8 meter room with a separate room for the back room and a walk in closet. There was a TV in the corner but no phone's and there was only one light for the entire room. She jumped onto the bed and fell on her stomach, embracing the soft blanket. It felt good to be free again. She went into the bathroom and was met by an unusually large bathtub and was excited by the warm water that flowed from the taps. It was still cold outside so she quickly set her priorities to her comfort.

"Ahh, can't be helped I guess" He told himself with a nagging voice as he walked through one of the many streets of the town, holding a stick with some strange food the merchants were selling. It tasted like some kind of sweet doughy ball with honey in its core. He prowled the streets looking at the various stores until one met his eye. A weapon store.
"Might as well look for anything worth value since I'm here" He told himself to ease his conscience for leaving her alone.

When she got out of her bath she wrapper herself in towels, making an elegant headpiece for herself as she heard a knock on the door. She pulled the Espadon Hakama over herself and opened the door.
"Oh, it's you" She said as the owner of the uniform piece looked down at her. As he looked at her a slight bit of shock overcame him.
"Your hair...?" He asked timidly
"They dyed it, I washed it out" She told him. The ocean blue that it had been had now vanished, and replaced by it was a light black color and her iridescent eye's seemed to have even lost their shine from fatigue. Even though her extravagance seemed to have been lost, she looked more like a princess now than ever.
"Here, I though you might need these" She looked in his hands into a large paper bag with a store logo printed on it. She eagerly grabbed it and pulled out a new set of clothes.
"I'm sorry if my sense of fashion is lacking, I don't usually care for things like clothes" he told her. He had however done exceptionally well, bringing her a casual shirt and jeans outfit and a fitting jacket. Strangely enough everything fit her almost perfectly and it surprised her at first. then again, his eyes would have inspired Jealousy in any hawk, a deep burning red to match his hair, his eyes... they made her feel as though a warm, welcoming fire was burning inside her chest.

"So, how far do we have to go?" She asked him, sitting on one of the tables of the restaurant next to the inn. It wasn't anything fancy, a wooden floor with only a line in the middle on ground level, the sides being a foot or so higher with small stairs in the center and two pairs of wooden tables. It was made for travelers.
"Pretty far", he said, pointing to a small map that lay in front of him, "right now we're at this town, I don't know it's name but its nicknamed merchants knot. We need to heart North Northeast about a hundred miles before we reach the shore of West Biechure(Bee-E-CHuhr). From there we need to take a ship to south and then to the mainland of Vafor. From there it's only a few days walk to get to your home metropolis"
How the hell did she get so far from where she was. She only remembered traveling to the outskirts of the Metropolis, there she was knocked out... how long for...

"Well, order something and eat up, we've got a long way ahead of us".
Going home... even though at first she was excited to be saved... going home didn't look much better than going back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Gonna write more in a bit, revealing the central plotline and some things about Grim.

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 02:53 PM

ahh, so much to read. I read your first post cos that's all my eyes could take in one sitting and I loved the beginning. It flowed smoothly and was very interesting. However, "he" and "his" are used a lot. I just found it kind of repetitive in that way, but it's really hard to get around that...cos I do he and his all the time too...but ah well...

I'll continue reading when my eyes stop hurting and then I can hurt them again! yay!

Mystery · 04-17-2007, 02:57 PM

Lol, you remind me of a friend of mine when we had a 24 hour CS marathon.

Me - "Dude, aren't you tired?"
Him - "No, my eyes just burn"

xD

I had to use His and hers a lot, didn't want to give names, but ill work on finding some other form of naming for them when I rewrite it.

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 03:02 PM

sounds good, but my eyes still hurt and will hurt until about 9 o clock...cos that's when I get back from work~ yay again!

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2007, 08:25 PM

Just read the second post...You're missing some punctuation, like question marks, periods, and stuff like that. But, my eyes are burning yet again, so I'll wait until tomorrow before reading the next part. This is truly turning out to be a hell of a story. But, I'm a little stuck on how to pronounce Hamaka...is it the h sounds or the y sound? like a jewish hat thing?

well, that's all I guess. Great job~

Mystery · 04-18-2007, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Just read the second post...You're missing some punctuation, like question marks, periods, and stuff like that. But, my eyes are burning yet again, so I'll wait until tomorrow before reading the next part. This is truly turning out to be a hell of a story. But, I'm a little stuck on how to pronounce Hamaka...is it the h sounds or the y sound? like a jewish hat thing?

well, that's all I guess. Great job~

Haa-Kaa-Maa

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 09:51 AM

Espadon!!! That word is fun to say. It rolls off the tongue. Es-pa-don. Eh-spah-dun, ih-spih-din. OK, that's enough of that. My eyes aren't burning now, so I think that's good. I read the last part and might I say, it was really really interesting...one thing I found that didn't make much sense to me was this:

"They died it, I washed it out" She told him.

isn't it dyed? not died...cos died is when something, well...dies? cos, dye is the change in color thing...

well, that was all that I saw that confused me...

I like how you group all the dialogue into one giant thing...it's a killer on the eyes, though... *rubs eyes*

anyway, I enjoyed all the dialogue, it was fun to act out...especially the "died" part, haha~

Mystery · 04-19-2007, 10:19 AM

First part(this one) - Grimsoul
Second part(next post) - Central Plot theme
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
As she lay down her knife and fork he shuffled, sighed and got up slowly. He hadn't moved a muscle from when she started to eat till when she finished, constantly in a state of meditation from which no busy town could wake him.

"Finished then?" She saw his red eyes scan over her plate and then fix themselves on her.
"Yeah, let's get going" She answered

They both got up, and she walked out while Grimsoul payed for their food, or her food, since he hadn't really eaten.

It was the first sunny day she had seen in a long time, clouds were in the sky but with no ill will of blocking out the heat, and even though they didn't the cool wind still kept the temperature low enough for her to have to wear her jacked and shake a bit while she waited for it to get warm.

"We have a stop first, before we leave this town" Grimsouls voice came from behind her, as he half ducked and half pushed the pieces of cloth dangling from above the door.

He stood quite a bit taller than her, and she was 5ft10, in the sun his white garb almost shone from being lit and his red hair looked more and more like a live fire as the wind gave it motion.

"Where are we stopping?" Simone asked him as he walked ahead of her, leading the way.
"I saw something I liked earlier, I want to see if I can still buy it" Grimsoul told her. He took her only a few meters from where they had been eating and turned left into a long street full of stored, people bustling about. He stopped outside a weapon store and made a hand motion for her to wait outside while he went in. She wouldn't have it. Following him inside there were dozens of exotic weapons littering the walls, guns, crossbows, halberds, scythes, kamas, clubs, swords. He stopped by a barrel of katana, eastern swords. He slowly shuffled through them and eventually picked one of the swords up, having a red handle, golden hand guard, and a red scabbard to complement the blade. He walked up to the counter and put the sword down, the young man behind it looking surprised.

"Sir, are you sure you want to buy such a poor quality weapon" The clerk said. Simone looked again at the barrels, they had a tag on them to signify that their all low quality weaponry, costing less, but like in every weapon store, only being worth what one payed for them.

"Yes" He said, handing the man some paper money stacked in a bundle.
"Okay then, but there are much finer weapons for an Espadon in here..." The clerk persisted. He took the money and stored it in a small metallic box, giving Grimsoul some change.
"Who runs the store?" Grimsoul asked him as he picked up the apparently meager Katana.
"My father" Said the young man
"Hmm, you should tell him to learn what his selling better" Grimsoul said as he drew the sword.
"What do you mean?"
"This sword that he priced as low quality, it's a devil arm" Grimsoul told him.
"A devil arm?" Asked the man
"Yes, weapons that can only be drawn a certain way" Grimsoul continued his lecture.
"But you've drawn it already" The clerk pointed out.
"No, I've taken it out of it's scabbard, come with me" He said and the clerk followed him outside, Simone close behind.
He motioned for some people to step aside as he threw the sword in the air, kneeling down under it as it rotated in the air.
"Are you mad!?" Several people shouted. Something had changed about the sword, as it spun in the air it seemed to reflect the light more and more, and it's texture became smoother and smoother. It began to descend and as it neared Grimsoul several people turned in horror, Simone also jolted her head away.
A gruesome stabbing sound was heard, echoing through the silence.

"What the hell did he just do" she demanded inside her mind.
A sudden cheer was heard and she opened her eyes and turned to see that the sword had landed and stabbed into the ground, all the way down to the hand guard, and that Grimsoul was still kneeling, unharmed. For a minute she was puzzled, but she heard a nearby man explaining how the blade danced right on the tip of his neck, and had it been at any other stage of it's rotation it would have taken his head clean off.

"Why did you do that?!" The clerk asked him, surprised but confused at Grimsouls actions. The people had began dispersing now, passing off what had happened as a mere act of entertainment.
"Come" he dictated to them again, going back inside.
When they arrived he had sheathed the blade again.
"What going on!?" Simone demanded this time.
"I will now draw the sword" And with that he pulled the weapon from it's sheath. It was no longer the cheap looking dirty weapon they had seen before. It's blade, although still one sided, had straightened and smoothed completely, now more resembling a blade at a weapons museum that was polished daily. On the end of the hilt hand a small chain and at it's tip a strange symbol she hadn't seen before. It's hand guard had even changed, while keeping the same color like the hilt had, it had changed from a plain round shape to one resembling a star. It had one metal ring with 4 flat spikes sticking out horizontal to the blade, and two more exactly like it on the top and bottom, angled differently to make a strange pattern. The clerk stood there dumbfounded as he gazed on the weapon.

"Deilos o' Enga'Tey Lymenos", Grimsoul said, smiling at the blade, "The Abandoned Coward" he translated for them, "That's this weapons name".
The clerk looked dumbfounded and Simone could understand. Without a word Grimsoul walked out of the store, leaving them both to ponder at what had just happened.

She quickly ran after him after her temporary vertigo had passed.
"Care to explain what happened back there to me?" She said as she caught up with him, walking towards the city exit.
"Devil Arm's, also known as demon arms or Kataras Men, weapon's that choose their master by a specific trait" He explained to her, he now had the sword sticking out of his robe, just above the other one he was carrying, "This one responds to anyone daring to take the risk to trust in it's cut".

For a minute, it was as if he had answered nothing, but slowly it sank into her and she understood what had happened.
"I see, but why didn't the owner recognize it?" She asked
"It's possible they got this weapon while the real owner was away, since the other two there were priced correctly. I didn't think I'd find something like this here." Grimsoul had a look of satisfaction on his face, not the same as on the boat, this one was over a material possession more than it was of his ability.

"Well then, now that that's settled let's leave, I really shouldn't have delayed and stayed here this long but it's not like I was given a time limit" He told her.
They walked out of the gates together, the sun still high above their heads with much time to travel ahead of them. As she took her first step outside she couldn't help but echo in her mind:
"Going home... going home... going home..."
It was all coming back to her, why she had left in the first place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mystery · 04-19-2007, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Espadon!!! That word is fun to say. It rolls off the tongue. Es-pa-don. Eh-spah-dun, ih-spih-din. OK, that's enough of that. My eyes aren't burning now, so I think that's good. I read the last part and might I say, it was really really interesting...one thing I found that didn't make much sense to me was this:

"They died it, I washed it out" She told him.

isn't it dyed? not died...cos died is when something, well...dies? cos, dye is the change in color thing...

well, that was all that I saw that confused me...

I like how you group all the dialogue into one giant thing...it's a killer on the eyes, though... *rubs eyes*

anyway, I enjoyed all the dialogue, it was fun to act out...especially the "died" part, haha~

I make some horrible typos

I try to separate into new paragraphs whenever the main feel changed even a bit, so there's usually a shift from dialogue to action

Espadon is after the spanish Espada(ten swords). I got it from bleach and I liked the word, but I changed it to Espadon because it sounds more like a rank and it's mine ^^

Oh, and I pronounce eh-Spah-Don

I'm looking for two major critiques.
A - where I overuse a word/phrase or description
B - where you feel there isn't enough description and makes it hard to visualize or get a feel for the setting.

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 10:32 AM

I don't care how you pronounce it...I was just trying out some weird ways of saying it...lol, and in reality it doesn't matter how you pronounce it...the reader comes up with their own things, right?

Mystery · 04-19-2007, 10:33 AM

Just said it so you know how I say it xD