Noumenon - Living life in a whisper - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 04-19-2007, 10:35 AM

lol, alrighty. I can do the critique stuffs no problem...but right now, I'm in a recovering state...literally~

Mystery · 04-21-2007, 01:44 AM

Actually going to put in the main storyline now
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They'd been traveling for a few hours, Grimsouls face was emotionless and at times it was almost as if he was falling asleep walking. They hadn't spoken to each other in hours and she had this burning awkwardness about it, almost embarrassment. Ever since that fiasco at the weapon store all she could think about where the strange weapon he now had peaking out from his Hakama and home, if she could call that place home anymore.

By now the sun had sunk back into the horizon and night had come, she was cold but didn't want to say anything, he obviously wasn't much better off and she didn't want to force him to extend kindness to her, too many people had already done that, and what he was doing was more than she would ever be able to repay him for.

"Aren't you a bit mad?" He asked, breaking the silence that her thought hid itself in.

"Mad, for what?" She snapped

"I left you alone to go look at swords, I'd think you'd be a bit mad that I didn't keep to my orders of protecting you and returning you" He told her. Come to think of it, she could have been, even he wouldn't have blamed her, but at times she wanted to feel that they were more companions than her the damsel in distress and him the brave warrior who does the work for the night in shining armor.

"No, it's okay, it's not like anything can happen now, I doubt they'd follow me this far" She told him, in reference to the slavers.

"Yeah" their conversation ended and a prologue to another great silence began.

Soon there was cause to talk again as they came to an inn located in the countryside for weary travelers and all sort of bandit and highwaymen.
He opened the door and led her in, she noticed he was being watchful now instead of his usual calm attitude. "Even if he is an Espadon he's only one man... he can't protect me from all of the people here, just like at the slaver inn" She thought to herself.

"We need a room for the night" He said as they approached the counter.

"We don't give rooms to the likes of you" The innkeeper said in a vicious howl.

"The likes of me?" He asked innocently.

"You know what I mean, now get out of here" He commanded to Grimsoul.

"If I can't have a room can she at least have one?" He asked. She grabbed on his wrist as he finished with a demanding face. How could she get a room and let him sleep outside.

"It's okay with me as long as you stay out of my Inn" The man said.

Why was he so overbearing to Grimsoul? There hadn't been any trouble at merchants knot, but then again the innkeeper there was a woman, so was the restaurant lady and the man at the weapon store was just a young boy, so there was a chance they didn't want to anger him. OR maybe they didn't mind?

"Here" He intruded into her thought again.

"Wh..what?" She asked

"The key to your room, I'm allowed to see you to it but not stay here" He told her.

"Where will you sleep?" She demanded from him, trying to extend the courtesy the innkeeper lacked to him.

"Outside" She knew from his voice and face that there was no arguing about it. He had a half apathetic face, almost blowing everything off and not caring at all, and on the other side she could see he was angry but holding it back.

"What if someone attacks me?" She asked.

"Here" he handed her the red sword from his Hakama.

"Why are you giving this to me? I can't fight with it" She said.

"Don't worry, it'll protect you, just draw it and don't forget it's name" He said.

As she picked up the sword she immediately felt another presence near them, almost being emitted by the sword, overpowering the presence of everyone else, even Grimsoul. IT was as if she had been isolated in a world between it and herself.

"Go ahead then and get your sleep." He said escorting her to her room and then walking down to leave the inn.

All in all, even thought she wanted to feel like a companion to him, even thought she was scared of being a lone all this way from "home", this worked for her. She couldn't return, all the thinking and dreading, the knot in her stomach and throat had built up the determination in her. She felt bad that she was going to get Grimsoul in trouble, but she couldn't go back there.

The room had a window on the far side, a one person bed as well as a drawer with a light on it. She dropped herself on the bed, the ill feeling of betrayal in her heart, but the stern of logic of freedom in her mind. She threw the sword away in mock anger as she was torn apart becoming as bad as those she was returning to, and being free.

"Hey, don't throw me around like that, I'm a sword not a rag" She heard. She spun around the room quickly looking for an assailant, grabbing the sword he had given her and drawing it immediately.

"Hey hey go easy don't worry, I'm in your hands" She heard, and she looked down at the sword curiously.

"Oh great, a fairy tale sword that speaks" She mocked it angrily.

"Say "take flight"" It told her.

"What?"

"Say, "take flight"" It repeated.

"Take flight" She commanded it and the blade twisted and convulsed, almost exploding into a green wind that spun around the room, landing in front of it.
The green light slowly took the form of a child, a hood hanging over it's head covering it's eyes.

"Whats happening?" She asked in fear now, her anger had subsided.

"I don't know who you are, because my previous owner was much stronger than you, but calling me a Fairy tale sword crosses my line. I am Deilos" The child to spoke out to her.

"The sword?" She questioned herself.

"Yes, the sword" it spat at her, "I thought I'd let you see from now so you know not to mock me with those little stories they tell children, this is what I am as a devil arm, the living essence, the soul of a child turned into steel, into a weapon, human hate and anger manifest" It told her.

So this was a devil arm. Although it had happened so suddenly and she barely had the time to grasp it the boy blew up into a thousand green whispers again and slithered back into her hand in it's original shape. It was silent and she could no longer feel the overpowering presence it initially had.

"I'm sorry... I didn't know..." She tried to apologize, but it was clear whatever this thing was, it didn't like her now.

She lay it down carefully, leaning on the drawer in the room, almost as if she was a salve to it. She dropped herself on the bed again, her confusion and shock overpowered her previous feelings for just long enough for her to fall asleep.

In her sleep she saw that place, those horrible memories that she suppressed with hate and purpose. She saw his face, and then his face and even in her dreams she felt sick and possessed. She saw her home in flames and the foot of a conqueror stamping down on it. She couldn't go back there, not now, not with this opportunity she had been granted.

She shot up, turning around quickly making sure no one was around her and that it was still night outside. She quickly grabbed the sword. It's presence had returned but it felt dormant now, maybe it had also fallen asleep.
She opened the door and ran downstairs giving the key to the innkeeper and reassuring him that everything was alright, she told him not to tell the Espadon anything about her fleeing and he nodded acknowledgedly.

Slowly she pushed the door of the inn open and walked outside. The cold nights breeze overtook her and she shivered and let out a slight shaky breath. Her lungs were frozen over by the cold and her eyes frozen at the full moon. "What a beautiful night to waste on something so ugly" she thought. She saw Grimsoul, sitting down with his back against a wall, his knees close to him to provide support for his head, his sword leaning up against his shoulder with his arm around it. Her feelings overpowered her for an instance and she almost felt the urge to wake up him and tell him she was leaving... she knew he wouldn't let her. Slowly, almost as if pulling her own body, she began to run, she didn't care where she ran but she ran. Of the three roads leading away from the inn she took the middle one.

The night was still. She had gotten far from the inn, her body shaking from how much she had ran and her breathing heavy and almost painful. She looked back to make sure no one had followed her and then slowly began to walk again. IT wasn't long before she came across a tiny village. She walked into it and was greeted by the villagers who were already up, as the sun just started to lazily pick itself up. She walked into what looked like a restaurant and sat down, tired. She slowly put down the sword, not wanting to cause a scene with one of it's anger fits.

"Good morning there, you're an early bird" A king looking woman told her.

"I guess I am, could I have something warm to drink please" She said. She had a bit of money that she had found in Grimsouls Hakama. She felt guilt as she took it out of her pocket to pay.

"It's okay, first ones on the house" The woman told her.

"Oh, thank you" She said, feeling ease that she didn't have to spend his money.

It wasn't long before she was sipping on some warm confection, it tasted like honey and coffee, but she wasn't sure if it was either. She felt relieved that she could sit down... free.

The restaurant doors blew open from a hard push and a gang of young men walked in. They looked around and as the leader saw Simone he smiled and moved towards her, they all sat around her quirking at her.

"What's your name then?" The one who had first seen her, the leader of the gang spoke out to her.

"Simone" She said reluctantly.

"Well that's a pretty name for a pretty little lady" He said, rubbing his hand on her cheek. The woman from before came out of the kitchen with an angry look on her face.

"What are you doing here? Get out!" She shouted at them.

"Relax lady, we have money see?" he said pulling out a small pouch of gold, "get us some food, and get some for this lovely little thing here" He said.

"GET OUT!" She screamed at them.

"Who do you think you're talking to" The leader said motioning for one of his thugs to get her.

"This man is the enforcer around here" the thug said grabbing hold of the woman, "So you better show your respect". He forced her onto her knees and then left her to pick herself up.

"Now, get us some food". He commanded her and she shot to the kitchen in fear.

Even thought she didn't like it, there wasn't much she could do. She wasn't a fighter, even thought she had a sword. Grimsoul had told her it would protect her, but with it's name in mind and the fiasco she had from drawing it out, she didn't feel like risking it. "Trust in it's cut" She thought and scoffed at the notion.

The woman came out quickly with some food, all the time the men had been staring at Simone and taking turns at having liberties with her, rubbing her face or smelling her hair, running their grubby little eyes all over her.

When the food came only the leader still kept his attention on her. They all started eating messily with their hands, like the thugs they where.

"Aren't you gonna eat something little lady" He asked Simone, tempting her with his finger rubbing under her mouth.

"Not hungry sir" She said

"Ha!, you hear that? Sir!, thats the respect I want" he bellowed out, "You make a find woman, knowing your place and all".

His eyes strayed to the sword that was laying next to her.

"What's that for milove?" He asked, picking the sword up. For a minute she saw his eyes focusing and his pupils dilating as he almost seemed to be in horror at just lifting the sword, he quickly put it back down.

"It's to protect me... from... a friend" She said.

"Well when you're with us you don't need any protection milove. We're second order enforces, no one here dare attack us lest they want the Gran marea de Espada(Great tide of the 10 swords) to come down here and take justice" At first she didn't believe it, but then again it was 2nd Order, and she wouldn't put anything past them.

"I've given you your food, now get out" The woman insisted.

This time the leader got up, he scoffed at the woman and then pulled his thumb from one side of his neck to the other to tell her she was done for. He drew a club and pulled the woman from her arm outside without a word. His underlings knew to follow, she grabbed her sword and ran out as well.

"Everyone, come and see what happens to an insolent dog" She found the leader outside announcing to everyone as he forced the woman onto her knees. Everyone turned or came out of worry or curiosity, but no one dared move too close or say anything, it was obvious they all had a great fear of the thugs. She could see that there were no tears in the womans eyes, no fear. She saw pride in her eyes and at the same time a sense of abandonment. Simone tried to move to her.

"You!" She called out to Simone, "stay back".

And with that the thug leader kicked her sharply across the face. She let out a small cry of pain but kept it in. Simone tried to hold herself back as she saw the woman being beaten, the woman who had been so kind to her, risking her life for Simone's comfort. Something she was all too familiar with.

"You pride will be the end of you" He told her. Simone couldn't stand back anymore. As he brought the club down on the woman Simone blocked it with the sword, not drawing it from it's scabbard.

"That was a bad move love" He told her, hitting her across the face hard.

He motioned at one of his underlings and they handed him a sword of his own.
The woman had lost her pride, and it had turned to fear now that Simone was also involved, she could tell from her expression that she felt responsibility.

"Let this be a lesson, let this make you all understand that the 2nd Order is NOT TO BE MESSED WITH" He screamed and his underlings let out a roar followed by cheering as he raised his sword above Simone.

"Sorry milove, but you shouldn't have angered me". He pulled the sword down with all his force, and Simone clamped her eyes shut. She head a horrible cutting noise and blood gushing out. But felt no pain. Was this dying?

She opened her eyes and recoiled in horror to see the kind woman standing above her, the sword of the man having cut deep into her back, she was chocking up blood and it was pooling out of her back.

"Get away wench" He said, kicking her off of Simone. Why... why did she do that, she only delayed the inevitable.

"I've had enough"

The man brought the sword down a second time while Simone was too focused on the woman, lying half dead in the road. She felt a sharp pain in her heart that no wound would overpower. In a moment, she hoped for death.
She closed her eyes and embraced the oncoming sword.

Yet again, she did not see it, but a horrible slicing sound echoed out, this time followed be steel meeting steel, the horrible blood gushing sound wasn't there, she only heard the man above her choke and cough. She opened her eyes and saw him paused mid slash, blood flying out of his mouth but none from anywhere else on his body. Behind him she saw something familiar. That shining white, that flowing red.

"Grimsoul!" She cried out tears of hope streaking gently down her face, she felt relieved to see him even thought she knew what it meant, he could save the woman, he could stop all this, after all it was his job to protect her, he was Espadon.

"I don't know if you think it's because I've been nice to you and everyone else We've met so far. I don't know if it's because I ran away from those slaver instead of slaughtering them. I don't know if it's because you doubt me, but I'm going to make something clear to you now Simone"

Grimsouls voice came as he turned to show a face she hadn't seen before, it was anger and pleasure, a sadistic pleasure of eating hope, of killing "you will never get away from me, even when I sleep I know where you are, and I let you go because there is no place far enough from me to run. You will not catch me off guard for there is no rest for the wicked, and should you think about killing me when I sleep or to my face then I will cut off your hands and take you back without any." He spat at her, a wicked voice replacing the one she had come to know as comforting. A roaring hatred peaked inside of her as he spoke at her.

She opened her mouth to reply, but a rush of blood like a river stopped her as she watched the thug leader, still stuck in mid slash, fall down. Or so she thought at first. His torso slid off his feet, and blood shot in the air. Grimsoul was holding his blade in front of him without a speck of blood on it, he whipped it as if to clean it and then sheathed it and started walking toward her.

She drew the sword.
"Get back" She yelled at him, but he didn't move.

"I warned you, should you try to kill me, I'll take your arms." His pace increased.

"IT's your duty to protect me, you wouldn't DARE!" She said motioning with the sword, but even the people standing around her, in shock, knew that her words were pointless and hollow.

"I'm an Espadon, don't confuse me with a lap dog or a mercenary, should I feel like it I can return to 2nd Order right now and tell them I didn't feel like guiding you to your master, and should he not pay me then I will collect my payment from the blood of his people"

And with that, he drew his sword as he approached her, and she slammed her eyes shut for the third time. This time there was nothing. She opened them and saw the womans bloodied and dirtied face, a fresh bruise forming where she had been kicked. Grimsoul was behind her and his blade was beneath her chest.

"Why?" She asked the woman.

"I couldn't... just... watch..." The woman tried to say. She fell onto Simone and Simone grabbed onto her as she let out a cry of pain and tears streamed down her eyes.

"Please, tell my son... tell him... I'm leaving him... the restaurant.... Gathick..." She said, slowly dying in Simone's arms. Slowly the deep cut in her side became visible as blood stained her torn clothes. She looked at Simone with a smile and rubbed her hand on her cheek, dirtying it with blood.

"You look so much like my daughter, thank you for letting me see that smile one more time" She said without a stutter or a quiver in pain, and then dangled lifelessly from Simone's arms. Tears gushed out of Simone and she screamed in pain. She turned to Grimsoul to see him looking at her heartlessly and angered, her face was wrought with pain and the question "why". She could tell it didn't phase him.

"One life for another" He said and sheathed his swords, "thank that woman till the die you die, because until you do, you owe her your life".

She looked at him pleadingly and began to cry again, the villagers around not daring to even move in his presence, that thug kids already running in case he turned on them.

Companions... she hated that foolish feeling... more than ever now she realized just how desperately she needed to get away from them, just how badly Niznaeth needed her, just how badly she wanted to escape this hellhole and go there.
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Crash_Tomas · 04-21-2007, 03:32 PM

I'm gonna have to print this one out...cos that's way too long for me to read without going blind. So, with your permission, can I?

Mystery · 04-22-2007, 12:33 AM

Go ahead

Renos Babe · 04-22-2007, 03:24 AM

me liked a lot XD

Mystery · 04-23-2007, 10:08 AM

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Sorrow, that which consumes. There is no definite of exactly what it eats, because there has never been something which it's teeth do not pierce, it's claws do not rend. There has been no man who can stare into it's face as he would stare down death. There has been no woman who's beauty was worthy as a price. There has been no child who could remain innocent to it's taint

Simone gazed into the far reaching sea... she looked and looked, and as hard as she tried she could not focus on it's calm, serene surface. On a small hill, past the forest and far from the village, in front of her lay a grave, and a tombstone that had been mounted by those who were accepted to mourn for the woman. She did not know her name. She did not know anything about her, and yet she had stood in between Simone and an Espadon's killing intent, when ever "man" had stood frozen by the mere scent of the air that passed through his hair.

She held back her tears as hard as she could. He could see her eye's almost shake in the light of the setting sun, she didn't hold them from pride or strength, she simply dared not show remorse around something like him. It was never something he had gotten used to, how does something such as that become habit? It wasn't conscious but no longer did the treatment of a beast, or even worse, of a demon cause him anger. He was a monster.

He watched Simone put her hands on the fresh soil and lean her head down on it, her body quivered as her sorrow overpowered her. He couldn't feel anything, and his face barely even moved. The wind caught him off guard and he sneezed abruptly, causing Simone to shoot around. Their eyes connected directly, not a second apart. She couldn't hold her emotions back, her face moved without her wanting to, her jaw tensed and her lips broke, her voice gasping out of her opened mouth. She cried out and tears streamed down here face once more. He looked at her, unwavering, as she pulled her face from his sigh and once more concealed it within her hands, on the soil.

"Finish your weeping, you have a duty now" He commanded her.

"Shut up!" She screamed at him

"I said you have a duty." He repeated

"SHUT UP!" Again, she felt an immense hatred building in her chest, slowly the horrible face of the urge, the need to kill impeded itself inside her soul. Grimsoul turned away from her, recognizing her thoughts

"You've left a son with no mother, what do you intend to do about that?" Simone's face rose slowly. She couldn't stand him at all, his insolence, how dare he blame her, "You have a will you must deliver".

"The villagers will do that" Trying not to let herself slip from sanity, she held onto the sword he had given her, gripping it with every last ounce of strength in her arm. She could feel his presence on it, and imagined it being his throat.

"That doesn't matter, you have a duty, and I assume you have a sense of honor" He spat at her.

She shot up and stared at him like a beast gone berserk, he looked at her in the eyes and she could hear his words echoing out of his mind "... should you try to kill me in my sleep, or to my face, I will take your hands and return you without them".

"You bastard... how dare you..." Grimsoul scoffed at her and turned to walk away.

"You!" a foreign voice called, "you're him!"

Grimsoul turned around, facing a small child running at him, crying, screaming. In his hands he had a knife, and as he reached Grimsoul he held it in front of him, hand's shacking from grief.

"What are you doing, child?" Grimsoul patronized him.

"You killed my mother!" he screamed, "I won't forgive you!"

"Ga... Garrick?" Simone asked, but her voice did not penetrate the hate that surrounded the child's mind.

Grimsoul put his hand on the hilt of his sword, and the child, surprised, jumped back.

"Come on then, if you want to fight me I won't refuse you, that would only dishonor you." Simone couldn't believe how he spoke to the child, as though oblivious to his nature or age, "do your best to kill me".

At first, the child didn't know how to react, but his gaze crossed Grimsoul and Simone, to his mothers grave, and she noticed him say something, but she couldn't hear it. He charged at Grimsoul stabbing the knife viciously toward him as he came in reach. It stabbed into Grimsouls leg, tainting the deceitful white of his robe with a deep dark red. Blood flowed from him and the child pulled the knife back in horror.

"I thought you weren't going to forgive me" Grimsoul said, he turned on the child and although nothing seemed to change, Garrick Dropped the knife he was holding and collapsed to the floor. He wasn't unconscious, she made out his next few words out without flaw, as he spoke, fixated to his mothers tomb."I'm sorry Mommy, I can't be with you".

Grimsoul took his hand off his sword, and the bleeding from his leg seemed to have stopped. She looked up at him plea fully as he towered over the child, but not once did he look at Simone.

"You expected to Avenge your mothers death like that? When you only have the nerve to stand before me because you seek death? How pathetic, that even this spoiled Girl knows more of honor than you do" He scolded the child, picking him up from his collar and throwing him at Simone.

"HIS A CHILD!, WHAT DOES HE NEED TO KNOW OF HONOR" She bottled up the courage to speak. Grimsoul turned away from her.

"It's been a long time since I have had to use my blade without purpose... I will not apologize and I will not do this for your or her sake. I wish to remove the taint of your mother blood from my sword," Grimsoul said, as they both looked at him in surprise, "those children pretending to be part of 2nd order, I will rid you of them".

Quicker than they could react he disappeared, and it was not long before screams were heard in the distance, to the direction of the town.
The boy looked up at Simone. "Misery... why do I see so much Misery?" She thought as she saw the pain in his eyes. He did not hurt for his loss, he hurt because he had failed to die, because he did not have the courage to stand up to Grimsoul.

"Why?" he whispered, he speech fluttering, "why did my mommy protect you?"

"I don't know... I didn't want to" Simone tried to excuse herself, but she had nothing that could remedy the child's state.

"Could you help me?" The child said.

"With... with what?" He pointed towards his knife, and Simone walked over toward it, picked it up and move back toward him.

"Kill me" The words shocked her into paralysis, gripping her mind in fear, "Kill me, if I kill myself I can't go see mommy again, the Angels won't let me in heaven. You took my mommy's life, so let me be with her!"

How could such a young child, think such thoughts. Thought's she had never once considered herself, thought's she could barely comprehend as an adult.
She slapped him and threw the knife over the rising.

"Your mother, the last thing she wished was for you to live, how can you desecrate her love for you with something so stupid?" She said, and the Child burst into tears, even thought she could not tell if he had understood her.

"You'll NEVER understand!" He screamed and pushed her away, running as fast as he could down the rising and back to the town. Grimsoul crossed him as he did so, and she could see his despicable face, emotionless. She fell to her knees, emotionally exhausted.

Awkward silence befell the two as they met face to face, and yet they both knew what had to be said.

"Get up, we're going. I've repaid your debt." He told her and started to walk off.

"Why should I?" She said, putting her hand on the sword he had given her, and that still lay by her side.

"Don't you dare draw me against him" She heard it say. And she could tell that Grimsoul knew what it had said as well.

"Even your sword knows better. Now get up and follow" HE commanded. She rose to her feet and slowly pulled herself toward him. At the first chance... she would murder him at the first chance she got.
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I don't know how I'm doing with language and description(if it's repetitive or lacking) or if Grimsoul looks maniacally evil(he isn't, but that doesn't come until much later), but since this is the first rough draft I need you to let me know so when I rewrite all of it, It's much better and accurate.

After I write the next part, I'm rewriting for general quality and storyline accuracy.

Renos Babe · 04-24-2007, 12:11 AM

i like how this is written, and it gives it a good edge. The language is fine as with the description. no compaints here.

darcy · 04-24-2007, 11:13 AM

I enjoyed reading this story.
Keep writing!
Very good!

Mystery · 05-04-2007, 01:00 PM

Late on update, will get it on in an hour or so.

cat_smh · 05-09-2007, 04:36 AM

I have nit-picked my way through your first post. The story is good and the plot is clear enough, but you need to re-read it for silly mistakes and typos. There were a lot of punctuation errors, and some of your sentences were clumsy, but don't take this as meaning that your story sucks, it doesn't at all. These are just thing that need looking at.
I've put the changes in red.

First things first, never underestimate the power of the semi-colon. Its a great way of breaking up the sentence without losing the flow of it.

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the power overwhelming his body and slowly breaking it apart; he was deteriorating just from being so close to it, but it had to be done

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"Ah, welcome sire, it's good to see you again!" the slave trader exclaimed with enthusiasm; gold was coming his way.

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He quirked awkwardly at his familiar customer

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wearing a robe covering all but his hands and mouth

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"Hi, got any new exotic toys for me today?" he asked, not letting his eyes peak with excitement; how would he bargain if he gave away his enthusiasm?

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"Oh, I've got a grand prize for you! She was just handed over to us by one of the Common rebels. They say she's a princess mind you," he said, rubbing his two fingers against each other in anticipation.

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"A princess eh?" This was what he had been looking for. "Let me take a look at this princess of yours".

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You know our policy, even for a good friend like yourself: money first, women later," the slaver maliciously commanded.

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"Ah, all work and no play," he answered jokingly

I won't point out many more of these small punctuation errors, but you might want to look through and find the others, and always make sure your punctuation is inside your speech marks when you end a sentence:

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"Ah, generous again I see! Follow me, don't be slow now."

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There he opened one of the? many? massive wine containers

either or both will do.

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as well as many other men around here were all too familiar with

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It led to the underground brothel where any woman captured without a man to speak for her was doomed to end up.

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The slaver ran down one of the several corridors, each one branching off into many rooms, each room with an exotic treat for eager travellers or common townsmen.

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It had been built to mimic the shape of a tree

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The slaver pushed open one of the side doors open with a weak thrust; he wasn't a particularly strong man. He dragged his client further into the complex, jingling the pouch of gold.

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"You're slacking off, hurry up!" he shouted to the man

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They came to a rest halfway down the corridor by a large door, which had an almost toy-like portcullis in front of it.

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"You first; come take a look at your little toy," the slaver edged him in.

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"As you wish," he answered back,

you don't need the back

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a room full of pillows and see-through curtains

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silky at a first glance

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and their green shone back through her eyes.

I'm not quite sure what this means.

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She was slender and even without touching her skin felt softer than any of the pillows around her.

This doesn't make sense. I know what you mean, but you need to rephrase it. Something like: 'even without touching her, he knew that her skin would feel softer than any of the pillows surrounding her'.

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"Common girl, what do you say?" The slaver demanded.

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"You said ‘this is my collar master’," he told her, shocking both her and the trader. "Too shy to say it in a language you think I understand?"

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swiftly grabbing the small man’s neck and throwing him against the wall.

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The woman convulsed in horror as he walked towards her. She had the good wit not to scream immediately

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He clenched his hands around it and snapped it in two with brute force.

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He then grabbed the collar around her neck and she pulled back and shut her eyes in fear. She felt his hand rub against her cheek and she timidly opened her eyes again to see he had broken the collar off her, without so much as a small crack.

This is clumsy and could do with rephrasing to make it clearer.

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He was wearing a long white jacket, that covered him down to his feet, inside she could see, only at his chest, a black undergarment and the hilt of a weapon pocking out the middle.

Again, clumsy and slightly confusing.

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his identity started to clear up. He was a high ranking officer

Quote:

taking a more authoritative? stance, even though his face was shrouded by his long reddish hair.

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He grabbed her from her feet and back and picked her up.

You don't really need to put it like that, its a bit stilted; you could have 'he scooped her up into his arms, cradling her safely against his chest' or something like that.

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They appeared to have been trying to steal a drink, but to their misfortune they had run into them

I'm sorry, I re-wrote the next bit. You knew what you wanted to happen, and we knew, it just didn't come across all that well:

Quote:

"Hey, where are you taking that girl?" The one slaver called out.
"He's wearing their uniform, get him!" the other shouted as they readied their spears.
"If you recognize this uniform then you should also know I'm an Espadon. Are you sure you want to try to take me with those meagre weapons?" he asked mockingly. One didn’t even bother to acknowledge him, thrusting forward with his spear aimed at the Espadon’s eyes. His target dodged the clumsy stab with ease and grabbed the spear shaft, pulling it hard and sending the slaver crashing into the wall face first. The second slaver glared at him but stepped back, seeing the futility of an attack. The Espadon officer slowly walked towards him as he lowered his spear.
“I guess you’re smarter than he was, but I’m still going to knock you out or you’ll be killed for treachery.” He jabbed the slaver in the back of the neck and watched as he thudded to the floor in a forced sleep.

And that's it

I know it seems like a lot, but it isn't really, I just pulled it all apart. The punctuation has to be fixed, but the other bits where I've rearranged the sentences and stuff are only suggestions, you don't have to change them at all, its just how I felt as a reader.
I hope this is the sort of thing you were looking for in a critique (if not I'm really sorry I pulled your story apart

).
Overall, I liked it, and I'll carry on reading the next bits

Mystery · 06-04-2007, 12:33 AM

You'll have to excuse me for lying a lot

I'm going to restart the story, and take what I liked but write it how I want it, a lot more serious and thought intense(as it was meant to, the reason this one was so childish and had so many mundane things is because after the extremely serious-ish piece I wrote a bit before, I felt like writing something simply for the sake of writing something simpler).

In any case, expect this story revised soon, I have a LOT of concepts I need to go through and get on paper and a lot of planning to make this new one good, but I'm going to be working hard today(coffee supply just came in) to get a worthwhile piece up.

Hold your breaths