4gofailure

Here is a piece of a story I've been working on. I'm sure its full of bad grammer. I'm wondering how it catches the reader and generally, what people think.



The heavy chains rattled softly as he flexed his raw, swollen wrists. The guard shuddered as he glanced at the figure, huddled in a dark, filthy corner behind the iron bars. His gaze did not linger long. Never again did he want to see those piercing eyes that sent daggers through his heart and savagely ripped into his soul. His arm hair stood on end as he relived the memory and he shook his head willing it to leave his mind.

Shadows seemed to creep down the mossy stone walls of the small damp room; they slowly clawed their way toward him across the cobbled floor. The air became more dense and thick; it engulfed him, steadily spreading a black cloak over his face trying to smother him.

A heavy grating noise jerked him fiercely into reality. He swallowed hard, trying to stop the fear from escaping his lips, as a huge mountain of a man easily pushed open the foot thick, solid wood door. The guard stood at rigid attention, one hand grasping the pommel of his sword, the other clasped over his heart as the Master Guard entered. His frame filled the open doorway; he looked at the quivering guard with distain, a look of amusement crossed his pock marked face.

“Bring him.” He jerked his baldhead in the direction of the cell.

The guard’s eyes bulged from his head and his veins ran solid with pure terror. He screamed at his legs to move, but they wouldn’t. Sweat trickled down his face, but his hand couldn’t move to wipe it away.

The Master Guard seemed to inhale what air remained as he entered the room. He ripped a large ring of keys from the guard’s belt and sent him careening into the opposite wall. He hit the stone with a solid thud and slid to the floor where he stayed, grateful the task was no longer his, no matter what punishment he might now face.

The cell door made and eerie cry as the Master Guard opened it, just wide enough for himself to fit through. He locked it securely behind him. He never took his eyes off of the figure in the corner, it hadn’t moved, even to breath, it seemed. He could feel it’s presence stronger and stronger the closer he got, as if it were trying to ward him off, willing him to leave. He smiled, that essence was considerably weaker than the last time he had felt it, a fortnight ago. Amazing what a moldy cell, starvation and isolation could do for a person, or creature, as the case may be.

“Get up.” He growled, to mask his trepidation.

He roughly kicked the figure in the leg and then drew back quickly, expecting some sort of retaliation. He frowned at the creature who sat with his legs drawn up, arms curled around them and his head resting upon his knees. The chains upon his wrists arched around his body and fastened to the wall above his head. They looked like hideous, evil black wings, ready at any moment to unfurl and carry their owner away.

The Master Guard crushed the growing knot in his stomach and snorted. Some powerful, evil being this was. He could hear it’s shallow, ragged breathing, and see the festering sores upon it’s wrists and ankles where the iron bit savagely.

“I said get up.” A roar erupted from his throat as he drew a solid burl club. He held the lantern high, casting it’s light upon the prisoner.

The figure finally moved; he slowly lifted his head, his dark face flushed with sickness. The Master Guard fell back against the bars as the creature’s white eyes flashed in the lantern light. He shook his head, the creature’s eyes were now the color of an emerald and they watched him, dancing with the amusement of a cat toying with its prey. He held the club ready and gestured again for the creature to get up. The chains clanked loudly as the prisoner painstakingly lifted his arms; he grasped one of the chains above his head and slowly pulled himself up. He stood uneasily upon his swollen feet, swaying slowly back and forth.

The filth and grime of the cell could not hide the highbred features, native to a foreign world. Nor the lack of sustenance completely demolish the frame of a magnificent warrior. His height nearly equaled that of the Head Guard, though his build was more lithe. High on his left cheek, a tattoo ran in a semi circle around his eye. The incredibly intricate and delicate scrolls were the color of ashes and stood out drastically against his brown skin.

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<<A tiny blip on the radar of existance can make one heck of an explosion>>

crazed scribe

I liked it and thought it was very gripping and I particularily liked your use of description. Although very little happened and if you were to continue the story the whole way through like this I think it may get slightly tedious.

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4gofailure

Thnx a bunch for the reply. I really don't know myself where this story is going to end up, but here is a little more on it.


The Master Guard began to trace a meandering scroll, his eyes following the fragile curves and swirls. Swiftly it flew, with him entranced within its bonds, to a far away place, in an unknown time. The light was shocking to his system, but he liked it and he drank deeply of its crystal clear warmth.

The young guard groaned as he pulled himself up from the cold floor.

The Master Guard drew a piercing breath and was dropped roughly back into the present existence. His light blue eyes wide with confusion, he stared at the creature who was leaning against the wall, watching him intently. His lungs were slow in filling and the thick air of the dungeon that he had always thrived upon, now felt as if it were strangling him. He pulled a burmial sack from his belt and quickly but cautiously stepped up to the creature, drawing it roughly over his head.

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<<A tiny blip on the radar of existance can make one heck of an explosion>>

crazed scribe

I love your story and your way of writing (hopefully you'll post more!) but I have one critiscism...
For some reason as I read this it just didn't gell it's probably just me but that's it. Good luck in your future wirting!

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Azmakna

heavy chains and softly seems a contradiction, although i think i know what you mean. 'Daggers....' this sentence feels cliched. 'His arm hair'? 'The hairs on his arms'?

Quote:

Shadows seemed to creep down the mossy stone walls of the small damp room; they slowly clawed their way toward him across the cobbled floor. The air became more dense and thick; it engulfed him, steadily spreading a black cloak over his face trying to smother him.

i get the sense that you are actually close in achieving the style you want, but there are occasions when it sounds awkward. 'The air grew dense and thick' fits the style better.

Quote:

A heavy grating noise jerked him fiercely into reality. He swallowed hard, trying to stop the fear from escaping his lips, as a huge mountain of a man easily pushed open the foot thick, solid wood door. The guard stood at rigid attention, one hand grasping the pommel of his sword, the other clasped over his heart as the Master Guard entered. His frame filled the open doorway; he looked at the quivering guard with distain, a look of amusement crossed his pock marked face.

either lose easily or put more emphasis on weight with the description of the door. 'The guard stood to attention' is better than 'rigid attention' its already implied by attention.


again, almost there but still clumsy. 'The guard's eyes bulged, his head and his veins throbbing in terror.'? bad example, but you can see what i mean. would he scream at his legs? or would he curse their inability to bare him up?

'thud' is enough here, 'solid' is unnecessary

'eerie cry' seems like an inappropriate description for a cell door.

Quote:

He roughly kicked the figure in the leg and then drew back quickly, expecting some sort of retaliation. He frowned at the creature who sat with his legs drawn up, arms curled around them and his head resting upon his knees. The chains upon his wrists arched around his body and fastened to the wall above his head. They looked like hideous, evil black wings, ready at any moment to unfurl and carry their owner away.

'arched' gives the impression that the chains are not actually touching him

Quote:

The Master Guard crushed the growing knot in his stomach and snorted. Some powerful, evil being this was. He could hear it’s shallow, ragged breathing, and see the festering sores upon it’s wrists and ankles where the iron bit savagely.

you suddenly turn into Yoda here lol. 'where the iron bit savagely' try: 'where the iron had bitten savagely'



is a burl club anything but solid? 'now the colour' what colour were they before?

Quote:

The filth and grime of the cell could not hide the highbred features, native to a foreign world. Nor the lack of sustenance completely demolish the frame of a magnificent warrior. His height nearly equaled that of the Head Guard, though his build was more lithe. High on his left cheek, a tattoo ran in a semi circle around his eye. The incredibly intricate and delicate scrolls were the color of ashes and stood out drastically against his brown skin.

i like your style a lot and with a little work this could be as tight as a gnats nether regions. good work. loving it

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A story that's having a go at being epic fantasy...but with the modern world, vampires and werewolves mixed into the cocktail as well...