surreal_girl

He was of average height, olive complextion, and his musclular body was built on a sturdy frame. His black hair short, spiked with cheap gel which flaked into a white powder when rustled. His eyes were as bright as day and yet I cannot recall their color. His arms are muscular and tight under his shirt. He smiles a big goofy smile, his teeth are beautiful. Straightly lined and his canines cause one to stare.

Its funny how fast you move when you think your in love. You meet one day, you kiss, you caress, you love and then it turns out it was just lust anyways.

We loved each other, we both felt the energy between us. The way that our hearts pulsed with each other. The way our bodies hugged together for a snug fit. Our lips passed over each others smooth skin. Hands flowing like water over each others backs.

Breath passes through both of our lips, mutally tainted by the feeling of fullness. We smile, lay back together, kiss passionately and joke tenderly about the fullness of a nude buttock.

Our parting time comes all too soon. Clothes are reached for with sudden haste. Time has past so quickly that we are unaware of our surroundings. We walk quickly outside to pass rushed kisses between each other and then be on our seperate ways.

The same scene happens frequently between the two lovers. Meeting in the shadows so that no secrets will pass to those we do not speak of.

Today his smile does not show as bright. His eyes are a bit duller then what I remember. He has a aura about him that makes me want to pull away.

"I love you," he says, but his body pulls my heart in a different direction. His heart pulsates beneath his shirt. I listen closely, I cannot do this. I pull away. "I know you want this, we both want this." he says in his most convincing voice. So being the silly, love drunk girl that I am I listen. I am pulled close and we love again.

Later that night after we have parted our ways he says to me in a heartless tone, "We just need to be friends. You don't know what I've done in my life. I don't want you to know." So I reply with "I dont mind where you come from, as long as you come to me."

My words pass a lifeless face as he replies with "You can't help a schizophrenic when they don't know that this is real."

So our time had ended, he did not want the help of a romantic girl and with time the romantic girl would heal but not before many tears had been shed over such a lustful boy.

Doodles

OMG Julie You should be a writter seriously....I love this story you captivate the esense of every word and it's so real...I am wanting more

Featherpen

Good solemn read. I especially like the part

"His eyes were as bright as day and yet I cannot recall their color."

Very skillful forshadowing.

The only mistake I saw was really minor:
"His hearts pulsates beneath his shirt."

Good piece

surreal_girl

Grazie, I fixed it. Thank you for the nice words.

sardpete

ne thing I noticed in the first two paragraphs you change from past to present tense. Was this deliberate? Apart from that I really like the pacing.

Lyonidus

A really good read, i really enjoyed this, the length is perfect, please dont change it, the briefness of the piece reinforces the briefness of the relationship and the quick passing of his feelings for her.
Everything seems to compliment each other and i enjoyed this piece alot.

Wellwritten andenjoyable.

Charlie_Eleanor

I really liked this. Again, it nice not to have happy endings sometimes. Very realistic, and for some reason it puts me in a better mood? Yeah, I'm nuts.

Well Done.

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BillinNC

All I can say is WOW!! I loved this story and speaks volumes beyond anything i've read... You should develop this into more unless this is what you conveyed to get across...

Mike

'hair short' - hair was short (or: hair is short, depending on which tense you want to write in
'are' - as someone mentioned, you are switching between past and present tense.
'under his shirt' - i see this more as under his sleeves rather than shirt. it's a locational issue.
'straightly lined and...' - fragmented sentence.

'Its' - It's
'your' - you're
'anyways' - anyway
',' - splice issue. i suggest a semi-colon
'The way that our...,' 'The way our bodies....' - fragmented sentences. Again, the 'way' ties into the first sentence. You'd need a semicolon to link these together. However, style is also important. Sometimes grammar gets in the way.
'each others' - each other's
'flowing' - flowed/flow (depending on tense)
'each others backs' - each other's back (singular)

'parting time' - 'time' is redundant with the word 'soon.' I suggest deleting 'time.'
'are' - again, tense issue. which is it: past or present?
'pass rushed kisses' - awkward with the adjective 'rushed.'
'each other' - us
'be' - passive verb. 'go' would suit it better; 'go our separate ways'
'seperate' - spelled wrong: separate

'the two lovers' - suddenly you've switched to another point of view.
'Meeting in the shadows' - fragmented and it's confusing. not sure what you mean here.
'show' & 'bright' - invalid comparison. 'show' is a verb that is not used with the adjective 'bright.' words like shine, glow, illuminate are more appropriate verbs. however, you're describing a smile. since when do lips shine? hmm...it's a convoluded description. not sure....
'then' - than
'a' - an
'his body pulls...' - confusing description.
'closely, I...' - closely; I
'...this." he says' - ...this," he says... - comma instead of period
'love drunk' - a compound adjective; you need a hyphen: love-drunk
'...am I listen.' - am, I listen - comma
'we love again.' - make love again?

'So i reply with' - makes it sound nonchalant. I suggest using a paragraph, first, because you need one. Second, i think that "I don't mind where you come from," is more important than "So I reply with," so you need to switch it around so it starts with: "I don't mind...." After, you can add a 'I replied," if you want.
'come to me' - makes her sound like she's just using him for sex. 'as long as you are with me,' would be a better choice.

'pass a lifeless face' - unsure of whose face it is. the girls or the boys?
'he replies with' - as he replies. "You can't help..."
'schizophrenic' - too out of the blue. there was no mentioning of this anywhere else. it just seems too random. it seems that you wanted to end the story.
'so' - delete
'ended, he' - semi-colon
'romantic girl' - redundant. you have the same description in the previous sentence.
'heal but' - comma
'a lustful boy.' - inadequate description. There doesn't seem to be much thought in this story between the lustful and the romantic. Didn't the girl say: 'you love and then it turns out it was just lust [anyway.]'? I think it's inappropriate to label the boy as lustful and the girl as romantic when really it could be so easily switched. You should draw more of a conclusion on what lust is and on what romance is.

Overall, I think it needs work. I would also suggest creating more of an environment. The two seem to be interacting in a void.

surreal_girl

I appreciate your corrections I'll get right on them when I have some more time.

Conserning the story its self. I appreciate the advice but there is suppose to be a 'void', as well as switching between tense in the beginning. This isn't a story based on environment, just the way the two act and how full it is at one time and empty the next.

I do appreciate your advice and critism though. Thank you.

__________________
"I miss the comfort in being sad."- Nirvana
____So at least Im addicted to something good____

valeca

Aside from all the issues Mike pointed out, this piece is done entirely with 'telling' and no 'showing'--meaning you basically lead the reader by the hand the whole time rather than letting them form a picture on their own.

Some 'telling' is expected. All 'telling' is a no-no.

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

belmont

This is sweet and endearing