Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Fiction
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-09-2007, 03:20 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Southampton, England
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Lillimoth is on a distinguished road
Lightbulb Just Out Of Reach

Silence filled the sorry excuse of a garden. Timber lay sprawled randomly over the dark mud. The trees gnarled, un-kept, branches clawed at the darkness, drawing it to them and enhancing the shadows that fell on the ground in the moonlight of the full moon. Little or no grass grew from the ground and the trees had long since lost their leaves, their bitter hearts hatefully leaching life from the ground. From somewhere just out of reach church clock chimed midnight, but not even the pure sound of the bell could wash away the silence in the garden.
Time ticked by, but that was little comfort to anyone in this realm. The animals had long turned to the darkness, and the plants had joined them soon after; all that was left now was the people. These same people hid behind locked doors and pulled curtains. These same people ignored the world around them and, as they always had done, got on with their meaningless little lives in the vain hope that it would sort itself out. But as more and more people turned bad each night, their neighbours were forced either to take notice or turn their backs; and sadly, the cowardly option was often the preferred one as is with many things.
Something scrawny, and barely recognisable as what it once was, crept slowly out from underneath a leaf-bare hedge. It was not cautious in it’s entry of the garden, it was just biding its time. Sneaking under what once could’ve been a green house the thing waited – it was early.
Still time ticked by, but as with anything, time seems slower if you are waiting for something. Still the thing waited. Still the branches of the trees grabbed at the darkness. Still things turned to the night and shuddered into unrecognisable shapes.
In the distance the same church clock struck thirteen, it was not a fault; the clock had been built to repel evil and, in this realm at least, the number thirteen was lucky.
But not this night.
From somewhere, considerably nearer than the church clock, another bell rang. The bell was harsh, and clattered as if it had been made without a tune to play. Then, out of the ground, a Lift appeared. It was made from harsh dulled metal and at the top a dial with many numerals sat. The hand on the dial was pointing to a number thirteen – this was not a coincidence; this realm had once been seen as one of the luckiest. Now the realm neared collapse. This was why The Lift was here.
The two doors on The Lift slid apart to reveal a velvet interior to The Lift, two men stepped out.
The first of the men wore a midnight black top hat, a pair of polished black shoes, a black suit and bowtie, a pristine white shirt and, although he was obviously too young to need it, a monocle over his left eye.
The second man looked out of place with the first and wore a pair of, very worn, denim dungarees, brown work boots and a red and yellow horizontally striped shirt.
Both men had violent red hair and bright green eyes though the first mans hair was very short compared to the second mans long dreadlocks.
The first man, whose name happened to be Jeremy, looked around… he had been here before, but this was not how he remembered it. The garden had once been as beautiful as the woman who lived here; he remembered her laughter filling this garden. Now the garden was silent and bitter. Her laughter, if still the same, would’ve filled the garden and made it grow good, but now that he saw the garden and the way it had twisted, he doubted very much that she was the same.
Jeremy turned to the other and took out his pocket watch. He flipped it up nervously and glanced down at it; then he put it away in his pocket once more,
“She’s late Tom,” he said seriously to the man next to him, “Sliders are never late, it’s part of the Code!” his voice was rich and thick as well as slightly posh, almost as though he thought of himself as superior,
“Your watch is probably a few minutes fast,” answered Tom lazily, as he inspected his hands and began twisting the signet ring around his middle finger, “stop worrying, she said she’d meet us here and she will…”
“I’m not sure…” said Jeremy voicing his worry for the first time, “Tom, I think this realm’s collapsing… it used to be better than this here, it used to be beautiful…”
“Oh stop worrying, it’s just because it’s dark,” Tom did look up and around though, indicating that he too was starting to feel nervous, “too many realms have collapsed already this year. This one can’t be collapsing too… can it?”
A rotting apple fell off the tree above Jeremy’s head and hit the ground with a thud making them both jump.
They waited in the dark as a wind picked up and whistled through the trees. A set of, once immaculate, wind chimes, which were now rotten and rusted over, swung gently in the breeze and created a ghostly melody, which seemed only to deepen the silence. Neither of them spoke, it somehow seemed wrong in this death-like place. In the distance the church clock chimed, declaring that it was quarter past one. Both men heard and listened. Jeremy flicked open his pocket watch;
“One fifteen,” he said nervously, he turned to Tom, “what should we do?”
“I don’t know,” replied Tom with a shrug, “we could go back to The Library I suppose,”
“Without Val?”
As Jeremy said this there was a sudden noise further down the garden. Tom and Jeremy looked at each other, both thinking the same thing: did they want to know what that was?
They moved closer to the place where The Lift still stood, almost backing into it. The darkness crept closer to them. There were several more noises coming from the lower part of the garden… it may have been both of their imaginations, but the noises seemed to be getting closer.
__________________
Lillimoth (soon-to-be URL here)
Lillimoth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2007, 04:45 AM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1
*starlight* is on a distinguished road
brill , fab , love the end
*starlight* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2007, 06:20 AM   #3
Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 126
sierra alpha is on a distinguished road
I love the feel of this piece, it reminds me a bit of Garth Nix - I don't know if you've read any of his books?

There are a few parts where the prose is a little untidy, for example:

Quote:
The garden had once been as beautiful as the woman who lived here; he remembered her laughter filling this garden. Now the garden

There's too much "garden" here. Maybe: "The garden had once been as beautiful as the woman who lived here; he remembered her laughter filling this space. Now it was..."

Quote:
though the first mans hair was very short compared to the second mans long dreadlocks.

Firstly, you need some apostrophes - "first man's", "second man's". This phrase sounds a bit childish in comparison to the rest of the piece. Maybe you could describe them in a more active way, something like: "the first man ran his freckled hands through his choppy hair"... then a bit later, "the second man (or probably his name, by this point) shook his dreadlocks out behind his shoulders"... something like that, only better!!

I'm a bit confused about the time - the clock has just struck thirteen, but the time is quarter past one... shouldn't it be quarter past thirteen?

On the plus side, I love the description of the lift emerging from the ground.

Quote:
The two doors on The Lift slid apart to reveal a velvet interior to The Lift

Although you'd do well to lose the second "The Lift" in this phrase and go with, "velvet interior. Two men stepped out."

Overall, a promising start, keep at it, I want to read more


__________________
Ice is forming on the tips of my wings.
sierra alpha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2007, 10:01 AM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Southampton, England
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Lillimoth is on a distinguished road
Thanx

This is only the first draft, so that will be changed/improved later... but thanks for pointing this out.

as for reading Garth nix books... i'm quite a big fan of him. his work is really fun to read. i guess some of his style might have rubbed off on me.
__________________
Lillimoth (soon-to-be URL here)
Lillimoth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2007, 04:15 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1
Solicity is on a distinguished road
awsome like the rest of your writing Lillimoth - well done! keep it up - you might become a famous writer one day

I like the use of descriptive language here, how the piece seems to say just enough about the environment without overloading you, and still leaving you to paint some of the picture in your mind for yourself. awsome stuff.
Solicity is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:58 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers