All reads,reactions, comments, criticism welcomed...
CHAPTER 3
What I did not know is that "
What you don`t know will and does hurt you!!" The title of this book is about as gentle as a sledge hammer against an infants skull. ouch...just the mere thought of the title caused some unknown new pain within my being. Standing in front of the copy machine trying to balance my book and the mound of papers to be "xeroxed", I position myself just right. There no one can see what I really have in front of me. Now just a little more to the left, I turn , perfect, no side glances through! When I hump my shoulders up and lean a bit forward over a mass of papers, my back gives off the appearance of being totally engrossed in my work. I learned this neat little trick from Pam, the office darling who in reality never does even half of her share of the work. She spends the day walking busily between the copy machine, the coffe machine and the bathroom, all the while looking busy and totally engaged in her work...on a mission as it were. During her little busy like a bumble bee flights, she drops off pages of her work on unsuspecting office workers ..a bit here, a bit there, a little pleasant chatter. For those about to catch on to her game pleasant chatter takes the form of needed compliment, or the juicy gossip either one works as a fool proof distraction . Her philosophy? If fooled then your a fool and no one has mercy or pity on a fool.
Shifting my weight from one leg to another, moving my head back and forth as if comparing something, ( another Pam- tactic) I secretly tried to read the first three sentences in my new found book.
"
For those of you who have lived by the adage no news is good news...well this news may be unsettling...you are wrong wrong wrong. The mere fact that...."
Kah-bung!,this concept hit me with migrane magnitude and persistence. I have always lived by that old adage no- news- good -news- thing...on top of believing that fools were indeed happy! How much more truth can a poor soul stand, but now with just the twist of these few words, well my word, all of my safety nets have been rudely snatched away...and here I stand on the edge of a 3 mile high skyscraper with unfriendly and penetrative winds blowing up my dress! Let me tell you a Marilyn Monroe moment it is not!.!Feeling that urge to stop all daily life activities and just jump into bed ( again that baseball umpire`s voice yelling Safe!! hmm with a Japanese accent no less) -- yes defintely feeling that urge to dive deeply into the book that will save me, make me new again ( images of "Mermen" swimming seductively by while flashing flexed and flawlessly irresistible wet biceps,triceps and pecs, not to mention nice asses...yes boys we do look at the derierre!! I must say...these Mermen definitely have got some junk in their trunk and it is looking real good under the hood too!! Nothing better than pure lust.. Ah...Mermen donning that innocent come hither I can rock your world dimpled smile.If you thought doing it in the pool was good....I reach out to touch that wonderful bulge that seems to be wanting to reach out for me. .ahhh.) glub glub.glub..water went down the wrong way..oh my gawd I`m drowning!!! In the real world, however, the glub, glub,glub is the glass of water that I unknowingly knocked over on Carols desk...oh no! her manuscript..it begins to bleed black ink...air. air..I need air!!!! I try to reach back into reality-- grab on to anything...to pull me up. I reach out for my best friend Composure ( she has gotten me through many a
faux paus and tragedy
) but today Ms. Composure is just not having it. or my bad French. .In an instant she twirls around with a ..not this time sister attitude and deserts me more completely then a one night stand before dawn, and just when I need her most..shit !.I shuffle the papers a bit, hiding the mess..move the glass over there..good. now if I can just get the last papers out of this copy machine..oh no!the machine has a paper jam shit shit oh no, no please Jesus no! ..as if this were not bad enough...here comes that little bleached- not- so- good blonde blabber mouth
Pam. shit , shit shit and double shit!! The bitch is heading concentratedly toward me.with that " I got you now hefer "smirk..that makes those razor sharp thin lines for lips protrude out of the middle of the huge pink mouth that she draws for herself everyday..
Determined to blow my game.She hastens her stride.click, click , click.click click like a dog in heat with nails too longs trying to rush across a waxed wood floor. A nervous giggle escapes my throat...no time for nervous joy fool..get those papers out of the machine and get the heck out of here!!! I scold myself angrily..my mind pipes in with ".thank god for office dress codes and tight skirts. she can not take larger steps. that gives you time" not today!!!!..good got the paper..out...click click.click click Let me just balance this book, keep my page...and I am out of here..come on faster I yell to myself.."you only have 2 clicks more and you are dead meat!" . An imposter can surely spot another.Pam is on a mission..did she actually hike her skirt up a bit so she could walk faster?
The crowds are roaring....run run run!! I hear them yell....don`t look back, never look back..keep your eye on the homebase. She is gaining.....I can not lose...panic gives me a burst of energy...sticking my chest out..I slide into home. BONSAI!! The Japanese empire yells “safe-fu!!!” The crowd roars and does a Japanese version of the wave, amazing how they can with a minor alteration come up with a whole new thing.
plop in my seat..papers in desk..book behind my back..I swirl my chair around....
"Oh Pam...you startled me....didn`t see you...oh girl..those ear rings are awesome!!!!" Disgusted but accepting defeat her eyes twinkle..I will get you bitch, just you wait..and when I do!!!!!
Between the lines of the small talk banter, the mental telepathic battle roars.
“You ain`t never gonna catch me bitch cause I got your game and mastered it.”
“like them? I love them! Where did you ever find them?”
With a Thai kick boxers intent she kicks back...”Bitch, you are just never going to master the master! I know that you are hiding something behind your back and I will find out what it is, and once I do I have plans...oh do I have plans”
The kick breezed by my confidence making contact, not full force but caught me off guard. A bit shaken I listen to her thin razor sharp pleasant voice...
“oh, I don`t find things silly, they just find me!”
Confidence is building in her eyes, as she realizes that I have been hit, with a sharks thirst for blood she swims in for the kill
“Pam you are amazing! I have never seen someone with so much luck. Oh, be careful , the back is loose on the right one..”
she jumps to secure it only to realize that it was snuggly in place. Touché the voice screams within...made you jump bitch...and I got a few more jumps in for your laser treated behind!!! Pams eyes flashed shit, you are really in for it “B”. I settle for the little victory of making her jump. A german past life calls out “reingelagt!!” which in this life translates...faked you out
bitch!!!
Somehow, probably the grace of God..the day went by quickly. I even made it home without too much traffic...now I am convinced that God is on my side.... light dinner, sip wine, a bit of evening news. quick warm shower..and ahhh to bed...to books my favorite part of the day..
Settling down in my bed , I began my ritual of arranging my serious reading, by arming myself with a liter of gas free water, a few cookies,and Cnn turned on in the background as Muzak. A gentle breeze passes my shoulders, which glistened with anticipatory moisture. I`m gonna read till I bleed!
Hummpfh, got it, the book pulled out of the green, yellow pink disguise and lays naked and awaiting on my bed. With macho pleasure I part the virgin pages, that probably are not virgin at all. As crisp and unspoiled as they appeared, I sensed that other fingers had been inside. Pushing all disturbing and power deflating thoughts from my mind, I opened the pages with a gentle roughness and dug in.
What you don`t know….
The title emblazed on a definitely off white sheet….Following an incredible list…I mean should I know all of this. A familiar panic rose in my throat which reminded me of my first blow job. I mean I had it almost all in..and then I started to gag. Humiliating..I mean when I do anything I do it good. Imagine gagging!!! No way! So now as before, here I am with it all almost in and I begin to gag mentally!!!
I decided that I better rearrange all disturbing thoughts by neatly pushing them to the side( another blow job trick, the tongue can do wonderful things..almost gymnastic!) and I continue on with my work. I try to read, however Insecurity was not be be assuaged . She is no a push over. No sirree Insecurity is not going to be appeased..not so fast and not so easily. With a stubborn fierceness she refused to let go or be let go.. My goodness, haven`t felt such dread since taking the SAT`s. Like you should know this stuff, but there you are opening page one and saying What the fuck.? How can it be that one studies and studies and studies…and NONE of it and I do mean none of it appears on any test which would be a meaningful indication of who one is!. WHO AM I ANYWAY? How did I get here? More importantly how do I get out again? "Again" triggers off the memory bank which transforms an almost- thought thought into on long and wide imaginary tongue, I lick all problem areas away and continue to read:
“What you don`t know will and does hurt you.”
Well , well what I did not know was:
What my mother ate for breakfast, lunch,snack and dinner while I was embryonically detained. What I did not know was: what my father was thinking when he ate his breakfast, lunch, snack and/or dinner.I definitely did not know, and could just about guarantee you that they too had NO idea of what they both were thinking in that split second when he came and when she came or pretended to come, whatever the case might have been…just adding to the list another item that I would not know….and she wou ld never ever admit.
Another important detail w hich somehow they failed to listed under list entitled "Major factors" or even "Minor factors" was :what if they did not eat breakfast at all or never did? Then , then what?
However, ignoring this oversight the book goes on to list other variations on the theme. What did your parents eat during the week of conception? what time, did they eat ? Did they eat together? Did they eat each other? sorry, no the book did not say that...just my mind has a tendency to veer off....Back to the book. Did the breakfast room lay on the north , south, west, east side of the house? Breakfast room, they got to be kidding...what socio-economic level is this designed for? House? who is to say they lived in a house...breakfast room...you mean kitchnette!! I mean folks...do your homework!!! “Don`t open doors and not walk down the corridor.” Now what in the world does that mean? anyhow...maybe if i read further...Patience, patience my child...Impatience raises its head and shouts..."patience may be a virtue, but it is about as useful as a virgins hymen..it only gets in the way of pleasure!!And once it is gone, you don`t miss it!!"
Was it raining, hailing, snow or sunny? I feel Impatience tapping her foot 3/4 time. Was there a pet, what kind and did it sit near or under the table at feeding times. The tapping is getting louder and syncopated. Oh, let us not forget that one must definitely know the color of the bed sheets and what kind of vibrational signals they were emitting. 3/4 time turns into 6/8, sycopated and erratic. Did your mother or father smoked before, during , after? Please tell me it is not true...a cigarette after sex, me I go for a glass of milk and a baloney sandwhich with mayo and mustard on .raisin bread,.
I read further: Was there music playing, what kind? Plants or flowers in the room. The color of the paint or wallpaper, the intensity of the light bulb and so on and so forth ad nauseum….
Before I could ask myself was IT REALLY necessary to know all of these things, I concluded that I was absolutely fucked, whereas, before I would have described myself as being mildly fucked. Fuck!
FOR GODSAKES WHERE IS THE HAGEN DAAS!!!
