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Old 03-29-2007, 02:55 PM   #1
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Rabbit Rue

I've recently started a serial fiction site, and though I've built an entire display engine, outlined several chapters ahead, and have about three chapters either posted or queued and ready, I'm still a little rusty and inconsistent. I won't bore you with details, but I will post the first entry. For imagery? Think HP Lovecraft meets Silent Hill. The story is meant to build momentum, and it's part of a 4-book mythos I've been mentally sketching out for the past four years. Tag my Sig to see the rest. And so:
"The rabbit, he won't let me,
Go where I will go,
My family is under his spell,
And he lives in my home."
– Adriana Calloway
Winter has set in for more than a few months, here. Such a crisp and hard cold; void of life, yet chillingly alive. A naive nursery rhyme might call it "a winter wonderland." Fresh undisturbed snow still accumulates under a light flurry; a child's paradise. Were it earlier in the day, a few would be building forts and snow-men, hurling snowballs between trees, and laughing all the while.

But the sun has long since set, and all the children are at home. Some drink hot chocolate to remove the deep chill from their bones, while others sleep soundly dreaming sweet dreams. The wheels of daily life have all but stopped in this quiet little town, for all but a select few. For some, the cold quiet is a welcome change to the normal fury of the day.

For Kyle, it's paradise. Tonight, he sits on an old hill overlooking Tammond Dale, letting glistening flakes whiten his black knitted cap. The cap itself is new, something he never needed before moving to this secluded burg with his parents a few days ago. Kyle has never lived so far North, and the cold bit and froze almost viciously, something Kyle didn't expect. As calm as the night seems, the malevolent weather taints the beauty of it like a dark shroud. He doesn't care of course. Sitting atop Craig's Hill staring down on the houses and streets as a regent or King, he is warm and alive.

But besides the absolute silence, forgetting the breathtaking sight below him, Kyle has a system he's used for years. Even at his age, almost fifteen and chafing to escape the puberty and awkwardness of being a teenager, Kyle is the brooding sort. Oddly enough, this has been the case for years and nobody—least of all Kyle—knew when the walking started. Every night excepting rain, Kyle was apt to wander whichever neighborhood seemed interesting. Sometimes this was his own, but often it was blocks, or even miles away. One thing he did know: walking relaxed his mind, even as the exertion drained his muscles. No matter where his family has moved over the years, Kyle never deviates. Tonight the most enticing location was an obvious though unusual choice, and opportunities present themselves in the strangest ways.

Just like the seemingly endless "opportunities" which kept his family on the road, veritable gypsies in a world seeking stability. Kyle didn't want to brood over the unfairness. Leaving his friends year after year, trailing in his Father's endless and vibrant wake. Brooding was all he could really expect to keep, no matter where they landed. How many was it, now? Somewhere along the years, Kyle had lost track, and assumed the cycle continued even in his infancy.

Last week Kyle enjoyed his first day of school, something dreaded by children and teenagers alike. As usual, he arrived late in the school year; a more bitterly cold January, he could not remember. First impressions made their mark before the car even passed the "Welcome to Tammond Dale, Pop: 462" sign. Kyle could only imagine what possessed his father to drag his beloved family to such a terrible and worthless place. Cold always trumps beauty, yes-siree. Freezing, inhospitable, oddly malignant; when can we move in?

Though initially truculent, the here and now is unquestionably beautiful. The very hill where Kyle sat presented a sweeping majesty over the vista below. Can't discount that. So far, this was only one good thing, with at least four dozen other marks against the sleeping hamlet. No doubt about it, Kyle hated this place and resented living here already. Handful of days? So what. Get me outta here, man. Show's over.

As with all things desperately craved by humanity, it wasn't that easy. New jobs always did that for his father. Make a few more bucks, meet a few hot chicks you haven't seen before and flirt just for the Jesus Razing hell of it; live the life of adventure! Why everybody didn't live like this, was anybody's guess. It was the same story every time: get bored with sales at Wacky Widgets, take a promotion and shill for Stupendous Stuff. It didn't matter what salary he made at the previous employer, what they offered him to stay, or even the desolation of their pleads. A couple of times, good ol' Frank had been offered the Presidency of the entire sales department. What's that, Jack? Nope, don't wanna get tied down, gotta go and experience life. So long, and thanks for the memories. In the end, Frank always left as if Cerberus were hot on his heels.

By now, Kyle was sure his father was notorious in every company in The States. That didn't stop them from hiring Fantastic Frank, as Kyle dubbed him like some kind of knight, immediately after he applied. Ser Fantastic Frank, Esq. It was impossible to ignore that Frank frequently performed sales miracles, was great to work with, and any company lucky enough to have him often enjoyed a future flush with cash and investments. Nobody knew how he did it, Kyle least of all. Through everything, Frank could always count on his coy and supportive wife Jamie. That thought always prompted Kyle to chuckle, as his mother was precisely the exact opposite of a shrew, as if her very existence were for Frank's benefit.

Jamie Cemtes, loyal matriarch and completely spineless wonder, was Kyle's loving mother. No doubt she was busy hand-crafting a new culinary masterpiece to try and impress Frank. It was a tired exercise at which she always managed to wildly succeed, with each increasingly overzealous attempt. She never seemed to care that Kyle was unfailingly late to her amazing dinners, so long as Frank uttered the customary "Wow Jamie, when did angels learn to cook? Or did you teach them that, too?" It was as if she were perpetually lost in her own little fantasy world that Frank was more than willing to encourage if it meant a docile and loving woman around the house. Yes sir! Frank sure was living the life of his dreams, Kyle thought to himself bitterly.

They never fought, either. Maybe Frank was determined to have a happy and fruitful life, but problems never seemed to enter their collective consideration. Not that Kyle wasn't above trying on occasion to fit the tired cliche of teenage rebellion. They didn't exactly ignore him, for the reality was unbelievably worse. They humored his little complaints, as if they knew each was half-hearted and merely an obligation of his age. Kyle sighs and shakes his head, dislodging a sheer cliff of powder that threatened to transform him into a snowman. Nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, nothing to do but sit on a cold snowy hill and contemplate life. And why not? His problems were admittedly small ones, and Kyle found it impossible to forge depression on such a blissfully refreshing night.
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Old 03-29-2007, 03:36 PM   #2
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For what you have so far, I'd have to spend a lot more time picking it apart, because on first inspection it's very well done. You're spot on in style and grammar. You're well-written and express your ideas and scenarios in a clear manner. It's an easy read, but far from simplistic or stark.

I think you write really well. I'm anxious to read more...so that's good. I can't break it down, and I don't think I really am qualified to anyhow. I can only give my undergrad advice.

The only thing I can say is you have a very slight formulaic style to your writing. As of a student trying to work out his punctuation perfectly and impressively. Semies and Emdashes...I love them and use them too...but something is a little robotic about yours. But again, like I said, you write really well.

Last edited by Slartibartfast : 03-29-2007 at 03:40 PM.
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Old 03-29-2007, 03:54 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slartibartfast
The only thing I can say is you have a very slight formulaic style to your writing. As of a student trying to work out his punctuation perfectly and impressively.
Hard to get the ball rolling. Mostly it's because I just finished reading Neal Stephenson's The System of the World, and perhaps it addled my style a little. I loosen up a little in subsequent entries. I think you pegged it, though. Trying to get the words to match the vision in my head without sounding like a robot relating just the facts, mam is a constant battle; I'm highly pedantic about such details.

See, I just did it again.
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Old 03-29-2007, 11:51 PM   #4
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Quote:
For imagery? Think HP Lovecraft meets Silent Hill.
So I'm guessing it's going to be a bit gory? or is just the setting that looks like Silent Hill?
Good job in your description, I like it.
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:55 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onyxprop
So I'm guessing it's going to be a bit gory? or is just the setting that looks like Silent Hill?
The second one. So far I've made a few important reveals on the site, and the nightmare scene in chapter 2 is only the beginning. An excerpt:

"The response came not in words, nor did any foul creature directly accost Kyle. Instead, the already tortured and twisted landscape began to decay and rot as if composed of flesh. Some rocks bled and burst like gorged ticks, pelting the earth with muffled thumps instead of rigid clatter. Others opened like horrific disembodied eyes, looking about crazily before sizzling and melting into putrid gooey puddles that turned Kyle's stomach. Broken walls became an unsettling waxy skin, which flaked and fluttered to the ground, burned and blackened by unseen furnaces. Beneath each discarded scab of skin lay a steel mesh caked with gore and clumps of hair, finally revealing the facade as mere artifice. Inside these newly exposed frames slithered indistinct multitudes of endless entrails equipped with teeth which chattered and chewed themselves as they pulsed and churned in the tightly woven cages. They bled profusely and somehow wailed high-pitched agony imploring Death, who either ignored the piteous pleads, or somehow unable to respond. From these, Kyle covered his mouth with a shaking hand and retreated backwards by a single step, mentally pushed by the infinite finality of suffering rudely thrust into his unwilling brain."
There's supposed to be a deep wrongness here, and chapter 2 only reveals the tip of the iceberg. No gore in this series unless you count the imagery, but it's certainly disturbing.
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