Emily Duchane

This is the prologue of a story I am writing. I have almost finished it but I am in dire need of help with the editing process. Please point out errors and things that could be better. Thanks all
Em

Prologue

I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. Damp hair was stuck to my forehead and I reached up to brush it away. Moaning, I rolled over and kicked off the blankets. As I laid my head back down on my pillow I noticed a flickering light just outside my door. It reminded me of fireflies, thousands of fireflies that were all trying to get into my bedroom. I reached out to catch them in my hand but a wave of heat hit me and I pulled away.

After a moment I realized what it was, a fire. Thick smoke was coming in the cracks of my door, clouding my room. The room had no windows for me to get out of and I realized that I was stuck. Scared, I began screaming for help.

The crackle of the fire was getting louder. Flames were eating away at my door and desk, quickly working their way over to my bed.

Thoughts ran through my mind as I watched the flames draw closer. ‘I’m not going to survive. I’m only seven years old and I’m going to die,’ tears ran down my small face, only to evaporate moments later from the heat.

I closed her eyes, trying to block out the sight of the flames. Soon I could hear sirens coming toward my house. They sounded far away, like I was hearing them through a thick cloud of smoke. Crawling under the blanket, I tried to hide from the fire but the heat inside the room was more than my little body could handle. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I was going to die. I was going to die. I was going to die…

The next thing I knew I was in the hospital with an oxygen mask over my face. I didn’t know where I was and started to scream. A nurse heard and came running in, followed by my parents.

“Emmy!” they cried from relief. My head hurt and I was having a hard time staying focused. Their faces were getting blurry. I was scared and started crying. Mom held me close and rocked me until I fell asleep.

The same thing happened over and over again. I would wake up screaming and mom would rock me to sleep, her soft arms cradling my head. It happened for days, weeks, even years. It was still happening today.

I woke up from another bad dream. It took a minute before I realized I was screaming, crying. I hid my face in my pillow trying to control my breathing. At sixteen years old I was still having nightmares from something that happened when I was seven.

We lived in a different town now. A different city. A different state even, we moved to Utah. The state was so dusty and dry. Ellisville, the city we moved to, was so different from New York. Mom and Dad said that they wanted to make a fresh start after the fire. A “Clean Slate”, as Mom called it. Well, it diffidently was a clean slate, all that we started with a patch of dirt. From there we dug a hole and made the basement, then built a house.

While this was going on we lived in a trailer in the yard. Five people living in one camp trailer was very crowded. There was my older sister, Brittany, who was nine, me, at seven, and my little brother, Jason, or “Big J”, who was five.

The house took about six months to build and during that time mom had another baby, Jessica. She was so cute and little and I would beg mom to let me hold her. Now I beg her to let me leave so I could get away from her.

We had mountains on either side of us. On one side they were beautiful, covered in luscious green trees. The other side was covered in a thick brown dirt. People referred to the valley as Afterlife Valley, one side as paradise, the other side was the worse way to go.

Mom and Dad loved the dirt hill, they said that was why they moved us out here. I loved the trees. I may have grown up in the city but I loved going camping. The forest was one of the only things I liked about our town.

I went to Paradise Mountain every opportunity I got. My friend, Hillary, and I went hiking every Saturday and I loved it. Then my sweet, little, brunette friend moved away and I had no one to tell all my secrets too.

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Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

MiloDaePesdan

H'lo Emily.

While your writing flows it is meagre at some places. Typos. Watch the passive tone. Yes, it is adequate. Yes, it could be better.

The style is simple, matches the beginning perspective of a seven-year-old. That works. Keep it.

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Opening sentence is cliche. IMO it'd be better if you started the story here:

"I noticed a flickering light just outside my door." The next bit about the fireflies hooked me after that. Waking up is just dead and done with.

Kind of long-winded. This is the point where a one-liner would be effective for emphasis, i.e. "Fire. Thick smoke was coming in the cracks of my door, clouding my room."

Sentence after that had its problems too. Thick smoke was coming in the cracks--passive. Try giving the smoke a more menacing presence. i.e. "Thick dirty smoke crept from under my door, clouding my room."

Passive again. Also make the fire more alive. Give it that presence. "The crackle of the fire grew louder. Flames ate away my door and the sparks leapt inside, bringing the inferno closer and closer to my bed." Usually see crackle paired with flames, the crackle of the flames, but that's a option.

I think it's a given her thoughts are obviously racing around in her head. Kinda redundant. Omit.

"I closed my eyes", you mean? Otherwise it'll sound like there's somebody else in the room.

There is a thick cloud of smoke in her room. Hellooo, there's a fire in your bedroom. The simile doesn't work, try something else.

*groans* Waking up from a flashback. Cliche. IMO this interrupts the flow of the previous par. You could boil that entire thing down to a couple of sentences. Try something like this:

Then to deal with the jarring repetitiveness of two 'nows', rephrase the opening sentence of the next par. "We lived in a different town now." to something like "We moved to a different town."

"To", not "too".

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The end of the prologue felt kinda abrupt, loose. It needs a statement to tie in with the incident of nine years before.

Just my thoughts.

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Minka

Hi there
I quite liked what you've written so far, but I have to agree with everything MiloDaePesdan said. I won't repeat anything he picked up on, but I think at times the story moved a little too fast. This could just be my opinion, but overall it was a good prologue just in need of a few tweaks to iron out cliches.

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Emily Duchane

Thanks guys. I will work on fixing that stuff and hopefully it will get better as it gets further along. Again, thanks

__________________
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.