twitch

chapter 1
they still live
dan webber


is this h.ell? if you had told me this would happen a few months ago i would have laughed in you face, i'd have told you ' when pigs fly.' zombies don't exist, do they? if they don't how could i possibly explain the rotting, disgusting corpses roaming the city, just searching for a bite to eat? i sat in my kitchen leaning against the fridge, the cold seeping out into the kitchen. the tiles shined brightly, the checkerboard pattern of black and white reflected the cieling fan, which spun in slow, deliberate, dizzying circles. nestled against the far wall a table sat, the tan would seemed almost waxy from my position. i couldn't believe the state the world currently was in, it was heck, that was the only possibility. heck. i'm in heck. i must be....right?

to think, me, dan webber, had killed a man. no, not a man, not a somebody-a something. a somebody doesn't have heavy strips of rotting flesh hanging from it's bones. a somebody doesn't smell like death, no. it was a zombie, that's what they called them on the news. the broadcasts stopped about a half hour ago, and above anything else, that simple fact unnerved me. no more news, a sure sign that i was dead, the news always stayed on. it was kind of amazing actually, that in here it seemed so calm, but only a few steps away, in the living room was a bloody mess, and my long dead nieghbor. i couldn't' help but remember.....

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about an hour ago, i heard a scratching at the door. that was followed by a morose, desperately sorrowful moan. i crossed the room, my bare feet thudding the carpet, making my feet itch. i reached for the shiny knob, and without a second thought, yanked open the door to ask whoever it was to stop the damn scratching. i should have thought twice.

it's a terrible sight, the one of a dead man. especially if that man has been mutilated. i swung open the door, only to the sight of the brittle peeling corpse of my nieghbor. his skin had mold spread across the back of one bloody, rotten hand. his cheek had been peeled down allowing the sight of his crooked, cracked and yellow teeth. blood seemed to fill his mouth, and poured out of his shredded cheek. it's tongue writhed inside of it's mouth. his eyes were gone, no. not his eyes. the normal electric blue had faded away to a zombified white. his hair was thick with sticky blood, matting to his forehead. the creature groped at me with a groan of hunger, and lurched into my home.

i remember backing away, a shout of horror dieing in my throat, terror welling in my chest. as it inched towards me, the thought never passed my mind to just run. the next thing i knew the back of my legs hit the armrest of my plaid couch, sending me head over heels into the cousins. it stood over me, its teeth knashing together as they fell towards my neck. my face held a twisted mask of horror, but somewhere deep down i found the courage to try to live through this. i lashed out with my foot, connecting with it's lower jaw, sending its neck cracking to the left. i dove of the couch, landing shoulder first, and unsuccessfully tried to roll out of it. my blow hadn't harmed the creature at all, as it was stumbling towards me, and i was once again laying on my back, at the mercy of this monster.

i rose at top speed, the creature, however slow it was, did not have much room to cross, seeing as my living room is very small. i barely was on my feet when a decaying hand wrapped around my arm, and squeezed. i was mildly suprised, seeing as this things muscle tissue was rotting away, it was strangely strong. not that i wasn't able to twist myself free of its bony grip. i swung my fist around, cracking it in the jaw again, but this time with enough force to spin it's entire body and pull its hand off my arm. i raised my foot and booted it as hard as i could with my heel, sending it stumbling forward. it's feet swung out from underneath it, like a long dead pendulum. the corner of my coffee table connecting with its temple, and a horrible crunch filled the air. the side of its skull caved in, demolishing half of it's brain. the zombie hit the ground with a muffled thud, and blood slowly spread across the living room floor. i tossed myself against the door, and the door seemed to shudder as it slammed close.

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now i stumble back into that room, the decaying body still there. so many times had i forced my eyes shut, wishing for all this to be over. no more zombies, no more dead nieghbor, no more giult. but when my eyelids slid back up, it was all still there, just as i had left it. i had slid a kitchen knife into the back of my belt, and covered it with my red and black denim shirt. i needed to see how bad things really were, and check on my family. without them, i would begin my descent into madness, if it has not already started i swung open the door, seeing a blood spattered hallway, but no bodies. i took a deep, heavy breath, and stepped out into the hallway of my apartment biulding. i was terrified at the fact that they still live. the dead still live.

Yaphee

God, I didn't even finish that. Do you really feel the need to capitalize EVERY single word? Isn't it tiring to press shift so often?

twitch

i dont see how that happened.......

twitch

Bumpilicious

twitch

chapter 2
were am i?
Jon renmore

I groaned, sitting up. The room was half covered in blood, it was spattered across the far wall as warning of the danger to come. The ground was cold and grimy, laying on it for as long as i did made my back stiff. The plaster walls seemed like a sanctuary, to some sort of outside terror. There was a lone cracked mirror hanging on the far wall, reflecting the door behind me. The bullet proof vest that hung from my shoulders was made slightly heavier by the shotgun strapped to my back. I shook my head to wake myself up all the way, but afterwards i still felt dizzy.
I stepped towards the door, and fingered the solid black beretta that was strapped tightly onto my waist. My fingers slid slowly onto the doors handle, and pulled open the door with a slight creak. And i groaned at the sight in front of me. A helicopter, flames sprouting from the shattered cockpit, crackling into sparks as they reached their full hight. The memories rushed back to me at a dizzying speed. My team had went to land, and we didn't slow down fast enough. Team Bravo's helicopter had hit the ground nose first, And had bucked me from the side of the 'copter. From there on it was slightly fuzzy, i remember stumbling up the path to the house, and explosions. And then collapsing to the floor, breathing heavily until I passed out.
I Took another step towards the blackened wreck of a 'copter stepping by the cracked pavement and squinting slightly as a figure moved beyond the flames. The creature emerged with a hideous groan to match it's hideous features. The skin was peeled away around it's eye revealing the entire, glistening, wobbling orb. The other eyes was popped, and pulpy wet juices ran down it's cheek. A thick chunk of its rotting, misshapen nose seemed to have been torn off long before it's encounter with me, Jon renmore. I noted dryly that four bullet holes rested gently in it's chest. I tugged on the weapon by my waist hearing the shallow pop of the snap on the holster letting the gun come free into my hands.
The slide snapped back and an empty shell clattered to the silent streets. A bullet tore into the soft decomposing flesh of the zombies neck spraying blood behind it, the salty red droplets disappearing into the bright orange flames. I stared in disbelief as the creature continue its agonizingly slow advance towards me, blood ran down it's chest making disgusting smears across it's dissolving skin. Two more shots spun across the open air, the gun bouncing across my palm. One bullet smashed into it's jaw sending tiny chunks of bone, and think spurts of blood through the air in my direction. The second bullet ripped the rest of the zombies jaw off with a disgusting squelching sound. It was on me, a squeaked with pure, unbridled terror as I extended my arm until the barrel of the gun touched the monsters forehead. I snapped the trigger back, tearing off most of the zombies head. It sprayed me with blood, droplets ran across my closed eyelids. I shook my head with disgust as my eyelids snapped open. I shivered, and spun around, pumping my legs and fleeing the thirty or so creature that stumbled in my direction.

twitch

bump-a-licious

twitch

Chapter 3
This sucks
Dan Webber

I stumbled down the long, unbearably bloody hallway. The walls were red and sticky, thin lines of fluids ran across he ground, reminding me of a spider web the way they crissed and crossed. The occasional body strewn across the floor, some moaning, just to broken and eaten away to rise from it's deathbed of a carpet. Some wouldn't have been able to rise at all, they were really dead. And that worried me, because those bitten seemed to rise, no matter what. And not all of the dead seemed to have holes in their rotten carcasses.

My shoes squished through the carpet, squelching underneath my weight. Terror seemed to pulse through my very veins, forcing me to tug out the kitchen knife I had tucked into my belt. I wished that i was somewere else, anywere else. Sweat poured down my head, starting at my hairline making a salty path across my head. I shivvered, forcing myself on, Dragging my feet across the ground, regretting everystep. Each one proving that i could have a deeper level of fear. My knife shined, reflecting the gruesome images that surrounded me. The yellow handle slid underneath my sweaty palm. Anger and fear seemed to come out of my body as dripping beads of sweat.

My gut screamed for me to turn, run as fast as I could the opposite direction then I was going. As I twisted around yet another corner, about to run into his ticket to ground floor; the elevator. The sliding metal doors swam into view, as I approached them a thin smile spread across my face and my eyes shined in happiness. i saw my face in the elevator that served as a mirror, crinkled lines of fear and anger shook my face. I had made it almost to the exit and hadn’t run into anything, or anyone that was hostile. I would pay for that thought.

A deep throaty growl seemed to burn through the air behind me, forcing me to whip around at top speed. A creature, fur about my height, covered in hair and hunched over like a dog. The hair was gray and wiry, just over two inches long. It was black all across it’s back, turning a lighter gray on it’s chest and stomach. It had no snout just a gaping, dagger toothed hole that held a lashing tongue. Its back legs were more muscular then it’s front, much like a frog. And it lunged, also like a frog would, its three inch claws swiping towards my head.

I ducked, barely avoiding losing my head, and landed hard on my knees. I crawled to the left, and as fast as I could jumped to me feet. The monster approached once again, slower, more cautiously this time. I jabbed with the kitchen knife that I held in my hand, and backed slowly towards the elevator. My back smacked the steel doors and reached out my left hand towards the down button and smacked it repeatedly, lighting it up. The creature jerked its claws at my stomach and I quickly slid to the side, but not quick enough. The claws tore into me, pushing a yelp past my lips. Blood dripped down towards my belly button. It lunged, gaping mouth first this time.

"oh god oh god oh god oh god," The words barely escaped my mouth, twisted in fear before i moved. I was fast enough this time, and dove to the side. A dent appeared in the metal doors, splitting them open, showing an empty elevator shaft. The buzzing of the elevator could be heard and I sprang into action. I kicked at its side, producing a heavy thud as it stumbled out of the way of the elevator.

The dented doors slid open and I dove through and the doors quickly closed and I mashed the first floor button. Before it could move the monster shoved its snarling face against the now large cache in the elevator door. It was big enough for me arm to fit through and the things teeth slid up and down along with its mouth. I thrusted the blade into its mouth and it jerked away, pulling the knife away from me with a bloody gurgle. I slumped againsted the now moving elevator wall, now weaponless, and sighed.

twitch

should i continue?

twitch

cmon guys, read it!

trifthen

It has been read, and as always, Zombies make for good subject matter rife with potential. Unfortunately the character in your first-person narrative describes scenes with no emotional weight or context. It's all action, all the time, like a college kid in a bar relating the harrowing tale, while simultaneously stoned out of his mind.

Your grammar definitely needs work. Please consult one of the resources located on this site and through the web on methods of combating this shortcoming. Your verb tenses are inconsistent, sentences meander like lost children, and somehow the character relates everything almost exclusively in passive voice.

"I stumbled down the long, unbearably bloody hallway. Streams of ichor criss-crossed the disturbingly wet carpet and painted the walls a sticky crimson. A sea of bodies lay before me, some struggling to moan and thrash, most too battered, chewed, and twisted to rise again; the lucky were truly dead. Some of the corpses bore no mark, their death a total mystery. That, more than anything, sent my stomach churning with fear."

Do you see the difference? The narrator above impresses concern into his words, makes it artful and significant. First-person does not excuse sloppyness. Think about telling the story in front of a campfire! It's not even a case of the character losing his personality to the will of the writer. Here's another version, from the perspective of someone who is stoned or otherwise confused:

"There was blood everywhere, man! The walls, the carpet... woah. Someone went nuts with a spirograph and stage-blood in there, like a drunk spider, ya know? There were so many bodies, an' some of 'em moved! It was like some zombie orgy or somethin'. But ya know, a few... they were just dead. Dead, right? Just plain dead, not a mark on 'em. Time to leave, man; this is too much."

Who is your character? Is he a guy who reaches for "shiny" doorhandles? Where terror only seems to pulse through his veins? He has no conviction, no fire, no rage! Make your character real. Terror should rip through his veins. Horror should send hot bile to his throat. Find a thesaurus and abuse it liberally.

I want to read a zombie story about a guy who finds his neighbor has attacked him, who roams his apartment complex in search of clues and his family, the dead hounding his every fevered step. You've got a good start, but the language needs desperate reworking; it's very hard to read in its current form. I often found myself rereading a sentence several times to try and derive your original intent, and that should happen rarely, if ever. Find a good flow, and stick with it.

This may be one reason you haven't received many replies. The issues here are numerous, but not insurmountable. I can see how someone wouldn't quite know where to start a critique, where almost everything needs improvement, without seeming rude. But you do have enthusiasm, so channel that into learning better style and solidify your grammar.

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The Tale of Rabbit Rue: Serial fiction, one book at a time.

twitch

Thank you so much for the review. I love when people tell me how to do better, instead of good good, or it was terrible. This is my first time with first person so i don't really know how to convey emotion well... with the next capter ill do better, and sometime i'll go through and fix the first few chapters, again, thank you so much but what do you mean the person who reaches for the shiny door handles?