The Horror Of Satan - Writers Forum

cadaver · 03-16-2007, 07:40 PM

This is an excerpt from my latest story...

All my life, I have been lonely. My name is David. I was just leaving school when the school bully, James gave me a knuckle sandwhich. I stumbled over onto a razor sharp screwdriver that must have been left behind by the workers who had been working on the roof and interior walls of the school. 5 minuets later I passed out. I woke up two days later in a hospital bed with stitches on my arms and hands. The stitches were covered in a lot of sticky red blood. I had pain throughout my arms.

to be continued...

dead bunny · 03-16-2007, 07:51 PM

Hey kid,
You know, it might be a good idea to dress up and streach out the story.
{another tremendous tip by big brother}
keep up the good work

dead bunny · 03-19-2007, 04:35 PM

" bro, get back on the pc"

Jericho's Downfall · 03-19-2007, 07:30 PM

this story seems way too straightforward...it is more of a chronological list than a descriptive narrative...but this is just a paragraph so maybe it is better, who knows?

Its Not A Tumaaa · 03-20-2007, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cadaver

This is an excerpt from my latest story...

All my life, I have been lonely. My name is David. I was just leaving school when the school bully, James gave me a knuckle sandwhich. I stumbled over onto a razor sharp screwdriver that must have been left behind by the workers who had been working on the roof and interior walls of the school. 5 minuets later I passed out. I woke up two days later in a hospital bed with stitches on my arms and hands. The stitches were covered in a lot of sticky red blood. I had pain throughout my arms.

to be continued...

This seems to be a lot of jumbled text and out of place syntax. In one paragraph you managed to do what it takes entire chapters for authors to do. This seems to be written like it were the cliff note to the story itself.

You need to really input more description instead of jumping from scene to scene. For instance, you take the time to write: "All my life I have been lonely." Instead of describing "Why" David feels lonely, you instead move to: "I was just leaving school when the bully gave me a knuckle sandwich." So, did it really matter to explain to the reader that David is lonely?

It also doesn't make a bit of sense. Why are Screwdrivers Razor Sharp? I've never seen a Razor Sharp Screwdriver before, and even so, was it sticking out of the ground? How did he fall onto the Screwdriver if it was laying flat? It would only bruise him and not pierce him. Why did a puncture to the arm make him pass out for two days? Why did the construction workers just leave a "Razor Sharp" screwdriver on the ground? Did it fall off the roof? Did they drop it out of their Tool Box? If you are going to have ridiculous occurences in your story, you need to actually explain through action how they happened to be, otherwise it's just nonsense.

Anyway, at least you're writing, that's the first step. Now just put more emphasis on action as opposed to abstraction.

onyxprop · 03-20-2007, 11:35 AM

Quote:

It also doesn't make a bit of sense. Why are Screwdrivers Razor Sharp? I've never seen a Razor Sharp Screwdriver before, and even so, was it sticking out of the ground? How did he fall onto the Screwdriver if it was laying flat? It would only bruise him and not pierce him. Why did a puncture to the arm make him pass out for two days? Why did the construction workers just leave a "Razor Sharp" screwdriver on the ground? Did it fall off the roof? Did they drop it out of their Tool Box? If you are going to have ridiculous occurences in your story, you need to actually explain through action how they happened to be, otherwise it's just nonsense.

lol

, I think cadaver will in future. So, one can't fit all of that in one paragraph? Oh trust me, it IS possible!

dead bunny · 03-26-2007, 07:13 AM

....WAKE UP!!!!
You snooze you loose kid!

writer wanna B · 03-26-2007, 09:21 AM

Ok, so as someone else said, the screwdriver is not a good idea. Have him fall on glass, or make it so he he gets knocked over in the parking lot of the school and hits his head. That way you can just forget the 5 minutes later , have him be knocked out right when he falls. Also, if a person is in the hospital for 2 days, I doubt he would still have dried blood on him. The nurses do a good job of cleaning stuff like that off.

Also, if this the beginning of the book, I would start with the name first.
Have it like this. "My name is David. It seems all my life I have been lonely."
I think that that makes it smoother, but it is your story.

Then go into detail about how/he feels lonely. Then you can give the whole getting punched as an example.

Jericho's Downfall · 03-26-2007, 09:33 AM

it isn't worth it...this kid is never coming back to write

cadaver · 03-28-2007, 03:32 PM

What? Who ever said I wasn't coming back? It was just that my PC is on the fritz and there wasn't much I could do. I'm sorry if anyone doubted me but I can't help it when a virus attacks my modem.