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| Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc. |
03-04-2007, 11:36 AM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 18
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Unleashed
Unleashed
Have you ever wondered if there was another realm?
There is
Have you ever wondered if there are other species not on our planets?
There are
Have you ever wanted to venture into another realm?
You don't
Guess what, there are worse things than death
And you thought hell was bad.
Last edited by evlddd : 03-04-2007 at 01:06 PM.
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03-04-2007, 11:49 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 5,932
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Quote:
Have you ever wondered if there was another realm other than ours...
there is
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You don't need "another" and "other" in that phrase. I'd change "another" to "a". I'd also suggest dropping the ellipses and going with a question mark, since, after all, you're asking a question. Capitalize the second line.
Quote:
Have you ever wondered if there are other species other than the ones on our planet... there are
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This could use a good rewrite. But, if you're intent on leaving this as is, I'd at least drop the superfluous "other," as you don't need two. If this sentence remains as is, drop the first "other." Again, use a question mark.
Quote:
Have you ever wanted to venture into another realm...
you dont
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Don't is a contraction... don't forget your apostrophe.
Quote:
Because in the other realm known only to a few as the Necrosphere are creatures that you could not imagine. Creatures that will torture you, hurt you, and eventually, they will not be afraid of killing you.
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This is awkwardly worded... clunky. You could probably remove a lot of this and increase whatever effect it is you're going for, unless you are trying to get people to put the book down.
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03-04-2007, 01:04 PM
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#3
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 18
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Prolugue
Prolouge
Its late. Pitch Black except for the light of the full moon shining down upon the cold concrete jungle of the city. A cold howling wind blasts out across the night sky. Two noises alone can be heard. One is that of music beating out from a night club sound system. The other noise is that of a Snarling beast that is just waiting for its next victim.
A girl walks out of the club. Its her eighteenth birthday and she has been out partying with her friends. She is alone, but to out of her head to realise that this night is her last. She has long blond hair and blue eyes. She has had the night of her life. The only noise she can hear is the music from the club, becoming fainter the further she walks away. She can not see anything but she knows how to get home with her eyes closed. The howling wind hits her acoss the face as if it was trying to push her away from the fate that awaits her. She continues walking down the street in a daze thinking about the great day she has just had. She continued walking, in a daze, not really thinking about what was around her. That all changed the instant she hears a crunching sound behind her that makes her jump out of her daydream. She looks around trying to find out what had made the chilling noise, looking for anything that can justify it, but she could not see anything in the black abyss of night that surrounds her. She continues walking but this time she quickens her pace just in case the thing that had made the crunching noise is still behind her. She notices there is a noise that has the faint sound of footsteps behind her, just much heavier than any humans footsteps. she quickens her pace but the noise continues behind her, getting louder and louder. Whoever, or whatever, was making the noise is definetly following her. She begins to run as fast as she can, believing that she has a chance of survival. When she thinks that she has managed to escape from whatever was following her every move she slows down her pace and realizes that she had absolutely no idea where she was, she is lost, and in a dark alley. the home of her final few minutes.
She feels around as the area she was in was even darker, if that was even possible, than the area she had just left. No light could reach this alley, as if it holds a secret so evil that it should never be seen. There is a terrible smell just floating around. The smell is disgusting and it makes her gag even when she holds her breath. The wind did not seem to be able to reach her as there were walls surrounding the area. Wherever she reached out to there seems to be something blocking her path. That is when she hears it. A deep beastial breathing that makes the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. Whoever, or whatever, is breathing begins to move towards her. She backs up right into a wall that was right behind her, no chance of escape now. The wall is damp. That was when she realizes what the the damp on the wall and the smell is. It is blood. The blood of the beasts victims, a list she was about to join. She freezes in fear at the sight of the beast. Whatever it is has stone grey fur that covered the length of its body. It has sharp shiny claws that can probably cut through anything that gets in its way. The beast lifts its claws and prepares to take its preys life. The girls screams a bone chilling scream as the beast flashed a fanged grin as its claws come down upon her throat. Her cold blood drenched corpse hit the ground with a fearful horrified look still plastered on her face. Her soul being released into the dark peaceful abyss that is death.
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