Saner

This is a small cut from something I am working on, its still in a very rough form as this is a first drawt and I havent proof read it yet, I just finished typeing this as I posted it, I think I have ironed out most typos, anyways worth continuing with or not ? I will post . attacth the full thing later in the writers workshop when I have finished the first draft.

EDIT //


Eww formatting is horrible


Have attatched it

EDIT 2//

Attatchment removed.

Rob

I'm put off reading it because I don't want to download a Word document and you say you haven't bothered to proof read it yet.

Cheers,
Omni

Saner

Hiya Omni,


I am sure it reads fine, i just may have made a few typos (none that I could see however (but I always leave a few until I print and read it)

However,

What format would you reccomend I re-post it in when I have read through it again.

I did originally copy and paste it, but it lost any kind of formatting and looked a mess.

didnt give it a thougth with Words documents and the attatched problems to them, so I will remove it now, just to be doubly safe.

Saner

It had taken him an hour to walk to his next destination, once he had hit Highbridge he had walked through Apex Park and along the beach. The beach was tidier than he remembered it, he knew they had once won the Blue Flag award and had been the joke of the area as the beach was a dump, but it was reasonably tidy. He wandered along the now old sea wall passing the Jetty and the small pier that had an amusement arcade at the end and strolled on. Heading down towards where the town diverted away from the beach on his right, he was left looking at the sand dunes. He passed the large man made rocks that were placed on the beach, he had been told as a child they where put there to stop invading forces during the two world wars, the towns in this area oozed history.


He walked on and saw the small lighthouse to his left, when he had been a child it had been decommissioned, seen as too old and fragile to do its job correctly, in recent years it had been re-opened and it stood proud on the sands. Opposite the lighthouse in the dunes was the path he was heading towards, he walked towards it and seemed to disappear between the dunes. He walked along the path and it was as familiar as he ever remembered. Unlike the beach that was cleaned the path was as bad as ever, for every “Please clean up your dog mess or be fined” sign he could see at least five dollops of dog mess, it was a shame for if it where clean it would have been the perfect end to a good walk.


As he approached the end of the lane he turned to his left and strolled down a small path that opened onto an estate, he looked across to the bungalow there and smiled, it had been too long since his last visit. The alcohol had been cleansed from his body by the cool fresh sea air and as he arrived at the front door he took a deep breath. Kicking the sand from his shoes he looked over at the (now) defunct lighthouse and smiled, he much preferred the small lighthouse on the beach, the one they had built to replace it when he was young was an eyesore and had he been in charge he wouldn’t have sold it, he would have demolished it.



He opened the door, as he knew the person who lived here was one of old memories and still believed it was safe to leave the door open during the day, and who was he to argue for she had never been burgled, he walked inside and entered the kitchen and closed the door, locking it out of habit.

An old frail lady approached from the front door and it took a good 30 seconds for her to appear at the doorway to the kitchen. She was frail there could be no doubting that, but what she lacked in physical strength she made up for in her mental ability. “Hello Grandma”


“Well it’s nice of you to visit, I bet you are shocked I am still alive the lack of visits I get” this was a game she played, and he was sure it was something she did rather than something she couldn’t help. He knew his direct family would have been paying regular visits but he enjoyed it, he enjoyed her company and really did regret not visiting more often. “I am sure Dad has been around”


“Yes he has, but you haven’t, I could have wasted away here and you wouldn’t know”


“Don’t be soft” he walked over to the side and flicked the kettle on, he grabbed one mug from the cupboard at the end “Want one?”


“Please, my cups in the front room” He went into the front room and picked up the cup and saucer, she always used a cup and saucer. The kettle boiled and he added a spoonful of coffee into his mug and half a spoonful into her cup and poured the water.



“Want to sit down” She asked


“Would love too” They both headed into the front room.

Rob

It seems like a reasonable start. There are some nit-picks, but really I think you need to finish this so that we can see where it's going and judge this part in context.

There were a lot of 'had's in the opening, and I think you can remove many of them. For example:

It took him an hour to walk to his next destination. Once he hit Highbridge he walked through Apex Park and along the beach.

There are parts you can trim, remove some unnecessary details, stuff the reader doesn't need, but you might look for those yourself during revision.

You have some run-on sentences which should be broken up, using a full stop where you currently have a comma.

It feels a little slow in the opening, but you've set a scene quite nicely, and now you need to follow up and make something happen.

Cheers,
Omni