As Yet Untitiled - Writers Forum

Tsaeb XIII · 03-03-2007, 02:34 PM

Okay, this is my first ever actual attempt at writing a decent story, so I would much appreciate honest critism and, more importantly, ways to improve on these points. In your critism I would also like two questions answered: would you want to keep reading because of the style of writing?, and would you want to keep reading because of the storyline?

As the thread title would suggest I don't have a title yet, so suggestions would be appreciated if anyone can gain enough story info from the prologue to come up with one.

Prologue:

Darkness surrounded the citadel of Fortress Alpha. It was the night of the new moon and, as midnight approached, the city was consumed by darkness. High in the northern tower, Z’Nean’diitr’h sat calmly in the corner of his room. His black robes concealed his face, and blended into the darkness perfectly. Within his sleeve he hid a blade, the cloth of the robe carefully wrapped around its edges, almost as if he feared even a small scratch.

Silence surrounded Z’Nean’diitr’h, almost as if it was a living creature devouring all traces of sound. A loud creak shattered the silence as the door began to open. Z’Nean’diitr’h rose out of his chair, still carefully covering the tip of the blade. As the door opened fully, a new cloaked figure entered the room. This new figure radiated power, even the darkness seemed to retreat from around him. The figure’s powerful voice broke through the silence. “I would take it, sorcerer, that you have not invited me here on a social occasion.”
Z’Nean’diitr’h’s voice dripped with contempt as he replied. “General,” he sneered, “it has come to my attention that you are part of an order dedicated to an organisation I happen to be part of. As you well know, enemies can hardly just be left to live, and therefore I shall be forced to kill you.”
Before he replied, the mysterious figure’s hand flicked upwards and a dagger flew across the room, like a shadow through the darkness of night. The blade struck Z’Nean’diitr’h in the chest, piercing his heart. As the figure turned to leave, he spoke one last time. “Sorcerer, at least you were right about one thing: enemies most definitely can’t be left to live.”

Just as the dagger pierced Z’Nean’diitr’h’s heart, his hand clenched around the blade concealed within it, allowing it to slice through the cloth of his cloak and penetrating the flesh of his hand. As his muscles relaxed in death, the blade cut across the palm of his hand, fell to the ground and slid underneath the nearby bed.

An eerie crimson glow began to emanate from the blade as scores of small bloodstains faded away from the metal. As these disappeared, a new, individual bloodstain appeared on the edge of the blade. In the light of the glow it became visible that the tip of the blade was jagged; as though it was once part of a greater weapon.

An hour before dawn the next morning, two guards carrying a long chest entered a room high in the north tower of the citadel. Minutes later it was reported that they left the room carrying the same chest, although this time they seemed to struggle considerably with the weight.

Over the next week, rumours abounded that the General had been seen heading towards that room the night before, however, they seemed to disappear as the people spreading them were slowly, mysteriously removed from the fortress.

Near midday a young girl entered the room quietly. Her eyes were red and bloodshot from crying, tears still running along her cheeks. Misery contorted her face; what little innocence she had retained through a difficult childhood now shattered. Suddenly, and irresistible pull entered her, drawing her towards the bed in the corner. She leant over and looked under the bed, finding what appeared to be a broken blade. Although everything else in the room seemed to have been taken away, this appeared to have been missed. Reaching out her hand, she gripped the hilt of the blade.

Memories seeped into her mind; memories which did not belong to her. Graphic memories. Memories of the night before. The images in her mind were as clear as day, although oddly, the sound was dull and muted. Emotions which she had never even experienced before dominated her mind. She knew who had done this, and she knew what had to be done to avenge the only person who had ever cared for her.

Garden of Kadesh · 03-03-2007, 06:37 PM

Alright, here's what I found wrong with this piece:

The first sentence was weak; it should be stronger to pull the reader in.

Some sentences were flat (uninteresting), and many others will cliche. Also, it seems like the story is going to be one big cliche as well, although at this point is difficult to tell for sure. Don't fall into the typical fantasy mold, it's hard to climb out of.

"Z’Nean’diitr’h" - I have no idea how to pronounce this. Whenever it came up, I found myself getting distracted. An easier name should be used. It sounds like it would be cool if I could pronounce it though.

Some sentences were confusing and could be tweaked:

"almost as if it was a living creature devouring all traces of sound"

This would sound better if it read "almost as if it were..."
"it has come to my attention that you are part of an order dedicated to an organisation I happen to be part of"

This sentence makes it sound like the mysterious man that enters the room if a friend of Z’Nean’diitr’h, but then they start killing each other. Confusing.

"Just as the dagger pierced Z’Nean’diitr’h’s heart, his hand clenched around the blade concealed within it, allowing it to slice through the cloth of his cloak and penetrating the flesh of his hand."

This reads awkwardly, It kind of sounds like the dagger is hidden in his heart, and it took me a while to realize that he was grabbing the blade of the dagger, which is seems unlikely unless it went in handle first

.

There were a few other sentences similar to these in error.

You did pull it all together nicely in the end, and for some reason you started writing better towards the end as well.

To answer the questions you asked, honestly, I didn't find the writing itself particuarly interesting. The plot was better than the writing, and does leave me wanting to know what's going on, however, don't fall into the fantasy cliche trap.

Renos Babe · 03-03-2007, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Z’Nean’diitr’h’s voice dripped with contempt as he replied. “General,” he sneered, “it has come to my attention that you are part of an order dedicated to an organisation I happen to be part of. As you well know, enemies can hardly just be left to live, and therefore I shall be forced to kill you.”

Hey tsaeb, yes i've already crited this at school but hey anyway you should proberly drop the he sneered part it would sound more fluent because you have already said that there was contempt in his voice

Tsaeb XIII · 03-03-2007, 10:27 PM

Okay, thanks for the critism. I'll go rewrite it later and try to use some of the advice.

Quote:

To answer the questions you asked, honestly, I didn't find the writing itself particuarly interesting. The plot was better than the writing, and does leave me wanting to know what's going on, however, don't fall into the fantasy cliche trap.

To Garden of Kadesh, thanks for being honest. I appreciate the fact that you didn't pull any punches; I want to know where I can improve. Some of the errors that have been pointed out were elaborate typos, but others do need reworking. Thanks again for the crit.