Light - Writers Forum

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-03-2007, 12:12 AM

I wrote this story when I was a freshman in high school. I wrote it for fun. I was very excited about writing it. I really hope you enjoy it. I'm only posting this much so far so as not to overwhelm everyone.

What you are about to read is a story about a 15-year-old boy with an unusual name: Jordan. That's not the unusual part though. His uncle named him that because of his last name, which was also Jordan. His middle name was Michael, which he went by instead of "Jordan Jordan." Speaking of names, I bet you would like to know his uncle's name. Okay, get ready: Uncle-Grandpa Jim-Bob Bob-Jim. Yes, that's his name. Mike calls him "Uncle Jim-Bob" for short.

Mike climbed the ladder and dried off. Then he changed his clothes in the locker room and found Josh, his best friend.
"What did you learn today, Josh?" asked Mike.
"Well, not much, just common sense rules. How about you?"
"You know, I didn't learn anything today. I haven't in a long time. It's as if the water doesn't have anything else to teach me," answered Mike.
"That is ridiculous! The only way that would happen was if you were going to die or something else that would prevent you from getting a job. Or maybe your job only requires your present skills and knowledge."
"Well it's weird anyway," said Mike as he dressed and started to walk home.

Around corners and along streets he walked, until he came to the faded "Dead End" sign where the asphalt ended and the dried field began. He ran through the tall, dry grass and reached Nowhitma Forest. Even after the many years that Mike walked through the forest, he always felt a little uneasy about this forest. It was always dark and spooky and every time he entered it, he felt weak and out of breath. The light he wore on a string around his neck helped the feeling pass. Mike hated the dark; come to think of it, so did everyone else.

Without another thought, Mike raced into the forest. He started running full speed, but then slowed to a jog. He knew that he would be exhausted if he sprinted the whole 2 1/2 miles. He looked around at the all-too-familiar trees and noticed certain objects that he saw almost everyday. He shivered at the thought of darkness surrounding him. The only source of light was the glowing blue mist that hugged the ground and floated through the trees, and his light of course.

Finally the end of the tunnel of trees came in sight. He knew he would come to the end when he did since he had run through there millions of times. He didn't stop running until he was out of the forest. Then he stopped and let a sigh of relief. In front of him loomed a huge cone-shaped mountain. He wasted no time climbing the 386 notches in the side of the mountain, which he had counted many years ago.

Once he reached the top, he saw a gigantic hole in the middle of the mountain going straight down. He stared at it, still amazed at the shear size of it. It must have been a thousand feet deep! He could hear the familiar ghost-like howl of the wind as it blew strongly over the top of the hole. He was used to it. The sound was constant, especially during the night. He turned around to enjoy the fantastic view from up there. He could see way over Nowhitma Forest and beyond. Mike would often gaze at the city from up there. He knew where most of the buildings were and the ones that were out of sight, he would guess their identity.

Renos Babe · 03-03-2007, 12:43 AM

i like it...umm whats a freshman??

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-03-2007, 12:44 AM

In the U.S., it is the first year of high school. Usually age 15.

Renos Babe · 03-03-2007, 12:51 AM

okay, i'm 16 what would that make me...how long ago was it that you wrote this??

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-03-2007, 12:56 AM

Hmm, well usually Freshmen are 15, Sophomores are 16, Juniors are 17, and Seniors are 18. I actually wrote it when I was 14 and 15 and I'm 24 now.

Renos Babe · 03-03-2007, 01:07 AM

wow no offence but that was a long time ago

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-03-2007, 01:26 AM

Yeah, but I still hold the stories up pretty high. I plan on posting all of mine so I might as well start with the earliest one.

Well, to keep from this becoming a chat thread, I'll use this post to post the next part:

He had just turned back around when suddenly, he felt a push and he nearly fell! He caught his balance and immediately turned around to see the one responsible. There wasn't a whole lot of space on the lip of that volcano, or whatever it was. He made a complete circle but found no one. Seeing that no one was around, he started down the notches that he had not too long ago ascended. He had only taken one step when he saw something move. Another step, it was someone's hair! Obviously, someone was hiding on the stairs.
"Josh, is that you?" asked Mike, not amused.
"Yes, I scared you! Ha, ha!"
"Yeah, you almost killed me too!" exclaimed Mike.
Josh stopped laughing, "How?"
"How do you think? By me almost falling into this hole right here!" There, that did it. Now he'd listen. This was serious.
"No way, how could that kill you?" replied Josh.
Mike realized he had underestimated Josh's stupidity all these years. He put his arm around Josh's shoulders and said in a suspiciously, friendly voice, "Josh, Josh, Josh, think! You don't go to pool for nothing. Now why don't you walk over there and take a good look at that hole, and tell me if YOU would like to fall down there."
Josh just stood there and had the nerve to say, "I already know what it looks like down there."
Mike was shocked; "You dare defy me? I suggest you do as I tell you."
"Alright, jeez!" Josh moved toward the narrow crater and peered down into the darkness. "You are right, I would not want to fall down there in the condition it is in right now, it is too dark," Josh said after his inspection.
"Right," continued Mike with his friendly voice, "and exactly what do we do about that?"
"Light it up?" guessed Josh.
"Well, don't expect me to do it. Go and do it yourself since you're the one who almost killed me."
"Sorry, I thought the lights were on," said Josh softly and then knelt down. He felt around the edge of the hole, careful not to accidentally fall in.
"What are you looking for?" asked Mike.
"What do you think? The ladder," answered Josh.
"Why?"
"Um, maybe to climb down and light the candles, are you stupid or something? And why did you even have the lights off? You know it is against the law to have them off," Josh said.
"There's no ladder so don't waste your time looking for one, and it's not against the law for me." Mike walked over to a nearby rock and lifted it up. There he flipped a switch and lights suddenly were lit throughout the inside of the hole.
"Wow! Oh, I did not know you had controlled light. I guess it is not against the law for people with controlled light to turn their lights off in their voc," Josh thought out loud.
"No, it's called e-lec-tri-ci-ty," Mike said as if talking to a child.
"Actually, it is both. Remember, I am the only one of us who pays attention in pool," Josh replied back.
"Hey, I can't help it if the water doesn't teach me anything! I'm in there just as much as you are!"
"Yeah right, you are just a slacker," Josh teased.
"Well, you're a wuss. I bet you won't even do this," Mike challenged and walked to the edge of the hole. Josh just watched.
"Ready, here I go!" yelled Mike as he jumped forward and dove into the hole! He retained the diving position.

Fictionfreak · 03-03-2007, 12:23 PM

Idec Sdawkminn- I don’t mean to sound rough or anything, but unless you intend to re-polish this story, people don’t always want to read about something you did in the past. And it makes them hesitate to give any criticism, because they may feel like you aren’t going to use it.

Anyways, on a scale from 1-10, I’d give your story a 5.

Reasons being…

1. Character development: I hardly know your characters yet. You need to really add more dimension to them before getting too far into your story. I know that Josh isn’t always the smartest one, and Mike can get a bit cocky. Which are equally good traits in a character, but, you need to really build onto these characters more. Describe their appearances, and explain things about them by their actions. You do some of this already, and you already have some good character thoughts, like Mike being afraid of the forest at dark. But you still need more. Anyone can be afraid of the forest during the dark. Define Mike for me, why is he worth reading about. And Josh too…

2. Detail/Description: I think you could have more descriptions. Describe the setting better, talk about how it affects the characters. What color was the forest, why does it feel so intimidating during the night, (dark and spooky doesn’t cut it). Describe the mountain more, I still don’t know what the hole is even doing there. Is it a volcano or not?

3. Clarity: The reader needs a better sense of what is going on. Why is Mike running through a forest that makes him want to pee his pants anyway? Why does he always go to the mountain? Is there a reason, or is it just for the view? Tell us. What the heck is that hole? Why is there a hole? Wouldn’t Mike have some idea of what it is, since he always comes to this place anyway? Don’t flat out tell the reader, but do provide enough hints to make your story clear enough. Why does Josh suddenly show up and know what he’s talking about, how does he flick a switch on a mountain side? Wouldn’t Mike have noticed the switch?

If you do intend to polish this story, these guidelines should help. I really appreciate the feedback you have given me, it is uplifting. I know the stuff I said was harsh, and I’m not sure how skilled you are since your freshman year, but man I’m only trying to help. Your story is better than others, but not the best by far.

Nice read- Fictionfreak

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-03-2007, 01:35 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I've already re-written this story once, but that was still a while ago. I would be very willing to improve it based on the criticism I receive. I don't find what you said to be harsh at all. I like it that way. Keep it coming. You're supposed to wonder about the mountain until I explain it more.

Don't hold back. I'll most likely use what people say to improve this story. I'm still going to post the rest of the story as is so I can get comments on the whole thing. Next part:

"What are you doing! Mike!" Josh's voice echoed throughout the large hole. Wasting no time, Josh jumped in after him! "Mike! Stop falling upside-down!" yelled Josh.
"No, just watch," Mike responded.
"But you will be paralyzed when you hit! Turn...sideways or something!" Mike remained upside-down. It would seem pretty fun to Josh at any other time, but not when Mike was going headfirst!
"Did you memory run out of your ears in the pool? The light will not affect you if you are upside-down, remember?" reminded Josh, getting a little impatient. Mike wasn't paying any attention to Josh. He was busy watching the lights on the side of the hole zoom past him 300 mph.
"You are hopeless. Fine, get paralyzed for all I care! I am not going to."

Josh was upside-down to keep up with Mike, but wasn't about to end up paralyzed too, so he quickly turned and fell horizontally as Mike passed him. It was hard to breathe with all that wind in their faces, like when you stick your head out a car window, only six times worse. Mike saw the bright light on the ground up ahead, as did Josh. Mike pressed a button on his ring, which made a circular door open on the ground below, and he fell right through it.
"Why you sneaky little jerk! You had this planned all along! You almost gave me a heart att--” Josh’s body hit the ground.

Meanwhile, Mike was having real fun as he flew down the twisting tunnel that was connected to the hatch he fell through. It never got boring no matter how many times he did it. The ride ended and he slowly came to a stop. He got off the edge of the slide and ran across the room, which he was now in. It had carpet, lamps, everything you would think to find in a regular room.

Mike opened a door and ran up a flight of stairs that took him to another room, which had a dirt floor and lights on the walls identical to those in the big hole. He pushed a button on the wall and a camouflaged door opened by rising off the ground. Light poured in from the adjacent room. There was Josh lying on the ground.
"I should have known you planned something," Josh replied as he got up and walked over to Mike. They walked through the doorway that Mike was standing in and into the room with the lights. "I never knew you had an entrance like that."
"Yeah, it's better than stopping at the ground, ha, ha."

Pool the next day went pretty much the same: Mike didn't learn anything, and everyone else did. After they got out, Josh found Mike and said, "I did not know that more than 4 years of pool is not a requirement for becoming a pool instructor."
"That's nice," Mike said back.
"I am going to go home now and tell my mom that she does not need to pay for more pooling than 4 years," Josh continued.
"Wow, I'm just so happy for you; and stop with this proper speaking nonsense! Say 'don't' and 'can't', not 'do not' and 'can not'," instructed Mike.
"But you learn proper speech in basic pool. Besides, anything else would not be right," acknowledged Josh.
"So what? I don't care if it's 'right' or not. You sound like a retard," insulted Mike.
"No I do not! YOU sound like the one who does not know how to talk!" said Josh back.
"It's 'you DON'T know how to talk'. Not 'DO NOT'!" corrected Mike.
"I like saying 'do not', okay? It is what makes us different," pointed out Josh. He had a point.
"But you don't ALWAYS have to say it right. At least say a word with an apostrophe in it once in a while," Mike whined.
"Well, why does it matter to you so much?" asked Josh.
"I don't know. It's just that it seems weird every time you talk that way and it bugs me," Mike said still whining a little.
"Well, get used to it. You are going to hear it all of your life," Josh explained.
"That's what I'm afraid of."

Mike ran toward his home. Through the field, through Nowhitma Forest, and zoomed up the stairs in the side of the mountain. After he flipped on the switch under the rock, he eagerly hopped into the vertical tunnel. He slowed to a stop at the end of the slide and quickly walked into a different room. The light in this room was off as he had left it, so he promptly flicked it on. Suddenly, a deep voice called Mike's name.
"Hello Jordan," it echoed as if coming from a nearby speaker, but there weren't any in sight. Mike's response to this mysterious, booming voice was "Hi Uncle Jim-Bob."
"Jordan, did you learn anything in pool today?" the voice continued.
"The usual: nothing," Mike answered.
"Nothing, huh? I am beginning to believe that you may stay unemployed your whole life. Have you ever thought of that as a possibility?"
"Yeah, but why wouldn't I get a job? I'm not different from anyone else," said Mike, confused.
"But you ARE different. Listen to yourself: 'why wouldn't' instead of 'why would not' and 'I'm' in place of 'I am'. No one else talks that way. You definitely are different," his uncle pointed out.
"Yeah well, pool was pretty boring today and I would like to go do something with Josh if that's all right with you," requested Mike.
"THAT IS all right with me," Jim-Bob corrected.

The rest of that week, in fact the rest of that year went along pretty smoothly. One day Mike overheard a poolmate telling one of his friends something about light going through water. He found Josh and asked him if he had heard anything of that since it caught Mike's interest.
"Yes I did in fact. I think everyone learned about that subject, except you of course."
"Well, what about it?" asked Mike.
"Let me see. If you get in the water when you are sick or hurt and shine a light over you, then you get healed."
"I know. Everyone knows that, even me."
"No, we learned why it heals us," Josh elaborated.
"Oh, I see. Then explain please," Mike said nicely.
"I think it goes something like this: the slowing process of light is altered as it passes through water..." "Dr." Josh started.
"In English," requested Mike.
"Well, water bends light..."
"Yeah," Mike said, waiting for a reply.
"...and light slows things down..."
"Wait, I didn't know that!" interrupted Mike.
"Yes you did. Let us see...oh, remember when we jumped in your voc last year and I thought you were going to be paralyzed? I did not go through your circular doorway; I did not need to. There was light around me. Let me put it this way: light travels through our atmosphere faster than that of any other planet's. Because of this, the light slows the matter down that is shines on.
"Back to last year. The reason I did not die or even get hurt when I landed was because:
1. There was light on the walls that slowed me down a bit.
2. The light on the ground slowed me down enough so it was like landing from a foot in the air," explained Josh as if he were a scientist, "The reason I was concerned about you was because light does not affect you when you are upside-down."
"Wow! That's amazing! I knew that you couldn't die if there was light around you, but I didn't know why. I've always wondered about that. Cool!" exclaimed Mike.
"Yes well, back to the water," continued Josh, perfectly calm, "Since light slows matter down, the water bends light and somehow causes it to affect only the damaged or foreign objects inside the organism that is shines on. Please do not ask me how it is done. I am not a genius you know. I do not know everything."
"Could've fooled me," muttered Mike under his breath.
"I beg your pardon."
"Nothing," answered Mike.

Now the only shade of white light in their world was pure. There weren't any grays, only pure white. Mike had never seen any other shade or even known that there were such things as different shades of white. But that was only with white, there were different shades of colors, just not grays. Whenever anyone got ill or hurt, they would go underwater in the pool and there was a light above the pool for nighttime. This light was constantly checked to make sure it still worked in case someone needed it. If they didn't feel like going to the pool, they would just go in their bathtub and turn on the light in there. This process would heal someone in about five minutes.

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-04-2007, 11:29 AM

Next part:

One day while coming home from a day of non-educational pool, Mike's mind started to drift and he started thinking of how light reflects off of things and makes color. (Jim-Bob taught him all about light.) Then he remembered his special light that his uncle gave him on his 6th birthday. He ran home and after he got off the slide, he ran to his room and closed the door. Next he got a glass of brown water that was on his shelf and took a big gulp. After he replaced the cup, it refilled instantly. Suddenly, the room started to change colors rapidly as if a strobe light that changed colors every time it blinked was shining on the walls. Then a small, white circle of light appeared in the middle of his wall. It stretched to a thin line from the ceiling to the floor. It gradually widened and the two sides of the wall moved away from each other. The room was splitting in half!

Then everything went black except for the white line, which was now a big opening in the wall. Mike walked forward into the rip and it closed behind him and his room returned to normal. Mike found himself in a room with no walls and no corners. Just like in space with colors swirling around him. In front of him, Mike saw his special light floating in the air. Mike walked toward it. His uncle referred to it as a "black light" but Mike could swear it was violet. He grabbed it off its invisible shelf and returned to his regular room. He wasted no time getting to the pool.

Once he arrived there, he was a little disappointed for some reason. I have a hunch why. Maybe it was the sign in front of him saying, "CLOSED." He wondered why it was closed, but he didn't want to spend all day wondering so he went and did something worth while.

The following day, he came to pool as he usually would when the learning hours were starting, but he brought his special light with him. All of the other kids who saw it asked what it was. After explaining it to them, they still didn't understand. How could a light be black? Black is the absence of light. The pool instructor who was thought of to know everything from being in the pool so many years even asked what it was. Mike said it was a special light.
"Well what makes it so special?" he asked.
"It's black," Mike answered.
"You mean 'IT IS black’...BLACK! Oh no, no, no, you cannot bring that here! It is evil! Go away with that! Shoo! Better yet, I should confiscate that," he said.
"No, it's mine!" Mike yelled and ran back home.
"You mean 'IT IS mine' corrected the pool instructor, but low enough so Mike couldn't hear.

Mike stayed home until pool was over. Then he returned when it was public hours and the knowledge element was turned off. No one really inspected you then or cared what you brought in.

The pool was empty for some reason. Then he remembered it was Monday and no one came until 4:00, which was fortunate; the fewer people watching, the better. Mike walked in and placed the special light in the light holder used for healing when the sun was down. He turned it on and got into the warm pool, then went underwater and swam around a bit. The tiles on the bottom looked cool with the black light shining on them, the white ones seemed to glow.

Noticing nothing out of the ordinary, he lifted his head out of the water and climbed out. Then he realized it was HOT probably 100°! He didn't want to dry off because the water on him felt good. Mike turned around and was just about to jump in when he saw that the water had all dried up. "What is happening here?" he asked himself. Puzzled, he turned off the light and left out the door.

The ground outside felt very rough and sharp to his bare feet but it looked smooth. He started searching for some shade to get away from the heat and he hadn't even gone thirty feet when he saw three men sitting by a fire! He was almost sick to his stomach. "Those guys are crazy, I'm not going NEAR a fire." He found a tree and sat beneath it. Strangely it didn't cool him off any; maybe it was just humid.
"Hey, aren't you guys hot?" Mike yelled to the men.
"No, aren't you?" one yelled back.
"Yeah, that's why I'm not by a fire," said Mike.
"You don't make sense! Come over here so we don't have to yell."
"Oh well, at least they use apostrophes," Mike said to himself as he advanced toward the fire, expecting to melt by the heat. Surprisingly, the strange fire gave off cold energy, like an air conditioner.
"Whoa, that actually feels good! It's...cold," Mike explained.
"Well, what did you expect?" asked one of the cloaked figures, hunched by the fire.
"Not this," answered Mike and, in curiosity, moved his hand near the fire.
"Stop!"
"Huh?" Mike muttered and jerked his hand back.
"Don't touch it!" one of the men said.
"Why not?" asked Mike.
"Why not? It will burn you," the man said.
"Burn me? But it's not hot, because you said it was..."
"It's cold. Things that are really cold can burn you just as easily as things that are hot," the man explained.
"Oh," replied Mike, "so how did it get hot so fast?"
"What do you mean?" was the man's response.
"You know, a minute ago it was the regular temperature, and all of a sudden it's really hot. Didn't you guys feel it?" he asked them.
"I don't know what you are talking about; it's always been this temperature. And you know what? You are talking too much, just enjoy the fire," said the man and he looked up at Mike. Mike saw that he had violet eyes and so did the other men.
"Whatever," said Mike, "I'm going home now. There's air conditioning there that's way better than a cold fire, so bye!" He wasted no time getting away from the strange, new people. After he was out of eyesight, he slowed down because it was so hot. He came to the end of the road and walked through the forest. I didn't frighten him or seem so strange to him as much now.

Idec Sdawkminn · 03-05-2007, 12:48 AM

Alright, I'm going to revise it before I post anymore. I've already started on it. I'll post the first part of it in a new thread once I get enough of it done.