AXB

This story is a written form of a Flash animation series I'm in the process of creating. I encourage constructive criticism, and I'd really appreciate it if you read this. I hope you enjoy it.

Kane Water Resort

Kuro Kushiro, a young boy from Japan, was on summer vacation with his family. Their jetliner was heading for Snow Cone Sea, an archipelago of cays that contained a huge water park, Kane Water Resort. Before their departure, Kuro purchased a book containing information about Snow Cone Sea. He was fascinated by its contents.

"Look at this, Akuro." Kuro told his cynical little brother, who sat in boredom, staring through the glass windows.

"You've been reading that book since we left. Give it a rest. What is it?" The five-year-old kid answered.

"According to this book, the archipelago we're going to was once the location of an ancient civilization. The legend says that a geographic cataclysm sank the island, leaving a cluster of smaller cays, like Atlantis. Isn't that amazing?" he said.

"... ... ... I really don't care, Kuro. I'm a little kid, but I'm far beyond fairytales." Akuro said in a cruel tone.

Kuro scoffed at his little brother, narrowing his eyes. He gazed out the window, into the sparkling blue water. Before long, he caught a glimps of a beautiful island. It was unlike any he had ever seen before. The scenery was brilliant lime-green, with a fine sandy beach. He looked up at the sky, and there wasn't a single cloud in sight. The sky was a brilliant shade of blue, mirroring the color of the sapphire sea itself.

In the distance, Kuro could see the misty shapes of several other islands. The jet turned, gliding past the lush island Kuro had first viewed, and toward a conical island on the horizon. Kuro concluded that the cone-shaped island was the cay on which Kane Water Resort was set. As the plane drew closer, Kuro saw that the cone was actually a large volcano, surrounded by a misty rainforest and a coral beach, more beautiful than on the previous island. Under the ocean's surface, Kuro saw a mysterious, white structure, but the rippling waves distorted its shape, and he couldn't identify it. He shifted his gaze to a huge water park on the island, and surely enough, it was their destination.

The plane landed on the beach, and the passengers departed. Kuro's parents headed straight for the hotel to check out a room. Kuro and Akuro explored the water park. Kane Water Resort had a distinct pirate theme, with flags depicting a skull with crossbones, and wooden cabanas built over the vast pool, connected by wooden planks and bridges.

Among the people enjoying themselves at the resort, Kuro spotted his best friend, Saku. Saku had long, purple hair, blue eyes and a slightly feminine appearance. In fact, Kuro had mistaken him for a girl when they first met as toddlers. Kuro greeted his friend in a most excited manner, glad that he wouldn't be alone on this vacation.

"It's great here, isn't it?" Saku asked Kuro.

"Looks like it, but I want to see some of the other islands across the archipelago." Kuro answered.

"Those other islands are just clusters of huts. They have villages and towns. We could probably get to a few of them by boat, but we'd need someone to come with us."

"I'd like to see these towns. You think we could go find someone willing to come with us?"

To be continued

Dawne

Well quickly I could tell you that from a readers perspective the names of the brothers confused me. Akuro and Kuro are maybe just a little too similar. Also, how old is Kuro, from reading this I am imagining a teenager? I think maybe some of the dialogue maybe a bit above that of a small child. Not to insult the intelligence of any child, but sometimes maturity leads to a more comprehensive dialogue. If you are going to quote a five year old, you need to talk like him. "You've been reading that book since we left. Give it a rest. What is it?" The five-year-old kid answered.

Just from a personal view, and from working with kids, I could see a teenager maybe saying this but not a five year old.

According to this book, the archipelago we're going to was once the location of an ancient civilization. The legend says that a geographic cataclysm sank the island, leaving a cluster of smaller cays, like Atlantis. Isn't that amazing?" he said.

I have a hard time believing a teenage boy or worse if even younger would talk like this to his five year old brother. Again a personal view, but I had a hard time with it in the story. Rather, I could picture a Mom saying something like this.

Overall though, I liked the story and felt you were descriptive enough that I could see myself there. It would be interesting to see where the story leads you and what happens on those islands.

Idec Sdawkminn

I agree about the dialogue. It sounds a little much for a younger kid. I liked the peaceful feel of the description of the islands. Overall, this doesn't grab my attention because it sounds a little too normal for me. Normal is okay if the main focus is the characters' personalities and emotions, but for this type of style, I need something fantasy-like to keep me reading. It was good as far as the writing skill, though.

__________________

Crash_Tomas

Couldn't agree more with what the others above me said. I have nothing to add.

__________________
I'm Gonna Be A Modern Day Drifter...

"Life is Like a Novel With the End Ripped Out."
-Rascal Flatts, "Stand."

"Broken Promises and Endless Lies, Mindless Guesses and Darkened Skies..." -Thanks Tham~

AXB

Thanks for the responses, everyone! The reason Akuro speaks that way is because he started off as a parody of my little brother, who's too smart for his age. Kuro is 13, and holds intelligent conversations with Akuro, to the surprise of bystanders. It's just for comic relief. And don't worry, Idec, the main focus of this story is fantasy, but it starts off a little normal. I don't want it to feel rushed.

Across the Archipelago

Saku paused for a moment, thinking of an answer. Suddenly, he remembered that he had made friends with the son of Kane Water Resort's owner. He led Kuro and Akuro to the heart of the water park, where they met Reji Kane. He was no older than Kuro and Saku, with a solemn glare.

"Hi, Reji. This is my friend Kuro. We want to know if you could give us a boat so we could ride to a few of the other islands." Saku said.

"Of course, I could get you a boat, but you need someone over 21 if you want to travel between islands. Your parents are here, aren't they?" Reji responded, in an almost monotonous manner.

"Yes, but... I don't think they'd like it if I left the island. We'd probably need to find someone else..." Kuro trailed off, thinking of a solution.

Before he could think of an adult willing to help out, a senile old man with thick, hazy glasses approached him. Kuro recognized the man as his history teacher from back home, Professor Rekishi.

"You... you're here too?" Kuro asked the tan old man.

"Of course, my boy!" the forgetful and mildly insane man answered. "I came to Snow Cone Sea in search of clues to the ancient civilization. Eh... what was it called again...?" Professor Rekishi trailed off in a daze.

The old man rubbed his chin, trying to gather his thoughts, as the four boys stared in amazement at his dementia. About five minutes later, Professor Rekishi's memory returned to him in a most explosive manner.

"Ah! Of course! Yes... the ancient civilization of Alru. Legend has it that the islands of this archipelago were once connected. This formed a larger island." Professor Rekishi announced.

"And we want to go to one of those islands, Professor. Reji here says we need someone over 21. You're... way over 21, am I right?" Kuro asked.

"I'll be happy to escort you between the islands of Snow Cone Sea. If we find anything interesting, it could make for an engaging history lesson when we return home." Rekishi concluded.

"I'm not counting on that." Saku said.

Reji, after asking his father, picked out a motorboat. They took it to the beach and pushed it out into the water. There was just enough room for all five of them to fit inside. Reji revved the boat's engine, and it sailed off at high speed, toward a distant cay that could faintly be seen on the horizon.

After a three-minute trip, the boat landed at the beach of Ice Skate Isle. The island was shaped like a blade, and had a peaceful little village consisting of brick houses and wooden huts. The name 'Ice Skate Isle' didn't fit the appearance of this island, Kuro thought.

"Why on Earth is a place like this called 'Ice Skate Isle'?" he asked the Professor.

"The true reason is unknown. It's part of the reason I'm drawn to research Snow Cone Sea. Some legends offer explanations as to why this archipelago has islands with such titles, but they are so fanciful that I'm puzzled." the old man answered.

Professor Rekishi intended to uncover the reason that Snow Cone Sea had such a name. He hoped that Ice Skate Isle would have a source of information that could provide the truth.

To be continued