Isonmeh

This one's really short, but at least it's a cliff hanger. i paragraphed them, so i hope its more convenient.
Chapter 5: Alta
As Kurin slept through the night, he felt chills. He floated in his dreams, and came upon a familiar experience. He once again dreamed about a single person standing on a green hill. Again he woke repeatedly with his spine tingling and limbs numb. And again he was not ready for the morning; but something was different.
“Hey, come on, let’s go… WAKE UP!” Selphia knocked loudly on the compartment door. Kurin did not feel Graitus’ presence, so he assumed he was still sleeping.
We’d better be almost there.
Kurin groggily sat up and feebly threw aside the bed sheets.
“’Kay, I’m up.” he croaked.
He stared to slide himself off of the bed when he realized something was wrong.
What? To Kurin’s horror, Graitus could not feel it. He did not wake.
Kurin looked down at his legs. They had a tinge of blue, and he could not move them. He stared in shock as he felt it slowly creep up.
What the hell is this? Graitus!
Kurin grunted and fell hard on the ground. He convulsed violently and from his mouth spurted out dark blood all over the smooth carpet. He vision clouded and his breathing became difficult, and he could not move or feel his legs. For the first time in a long time, Kurin felt vulnerable and helpless.
Poison! Graitus!
Kurin thought quickly. The door’s locked! No…
He opened his mouth to shout out but instead his mouth flooded with blood and he choked. He began to panic as his breathing started to cease. Impatient knocking came from behind the door.
“You up?” Selphia’s voice cut in. Kurin quickly thought and groaned loudly. “Quit your groaning, what is it with you and sleeping?” Kurin looked around desperately and then grabbed the bed, feebly shaking and banging it against the wall.
“What are you doing? What’s going on? What-” she tried the door and then said urgently, “We’re going to be at the station in thirty minutes, so quit your little tantrum and get up. You know we’ve talked about this before. If I come back here in five minutes and you’re still here I’m going to have to force the door open.”
Damn it, I don’t have five minutes!
Kurin’s arms were running out of strength so he frantically started dragging his body towards the door.

Isonmeh

hold on, wait, its not working. i edited it, and its still not paragraphed. what the hell?! either i'm not doing something right or its the way it is. some tips?

unionxyz

well i liked the addition, but some of the beginning sentences were rather choppy like these two can be made into one

He floated in his dreams, and came upon a familiar experience. He once again dreamed about a single person standing on a green hill

lets say "He floated about in his dreams,"maybe instert something here like jumping among pig shaped clouds until he came to land on a green hill, in front of him he could see a slender frame of a young girl, her golden hair flowing softly in the wind. and then him waking up, yeah.
and forums dont do paragraphs you have to bouble space between each paragraph so its easier to read, oh and delete the double post

Isonmeh

this isn't like teenagewriters, i can't delete it. i chopped the beginning up on purpose, it's supposed to sound like, i dont know how to explain it, but dits just deliberate.

unionxyz

okay its youre story but you should submit this to imelda see whta she thinks i bet shed be on my side, now im of. UP AND AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Mystery

It's better this time since I can tell who's talking and who's acting, but write more, being left in cliffhanger = not fun xD

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Isonmeh

Ah, i'm slowing down. o well. trying now to give some more info on Eunelys's situation. I'm not quite sure how to pronounce that, Eunelys's(?).

Kurin’s heart painfully raced and he continuously called for Graitus with no effect. Blood was now steadily dribbling from his mouth. His arms burned with a strange and unfamiliar fatigue. He could barely see in front of him and his breaths were becoming more short with every single passing second. He realized this and urged himself with all of his might to move his arms. With his bursting energy he caused himself to spray blood with every struggling breath.

When he finally reached the door handle, he rose his trembling arm to turn the handle down. Holding the handle down, he used his other arm to push the door open. That last drop of energy was for Kurin to pass out. As his vision completely blackened, his last thought was of Clistis, which left him confused.
Eunelys stared irritably at the situation before him. Fatu Lorsen, being a “blundering fool” as he was, managed to destroy a military transport, several square meters of courtyard marble-floor, a national monument, and half of the windows of a commerce building with a single badly aimed ring bomb (a wide ring of aura that continuously explodes along the rim until the conjurer has lost control or his or her strength). On a distant building’s staircase Eunelys’s targets turned on their heels to see what had happened behind them, and in doing so spotted Fatu (who was standing in the middle of the wide courtyard, completely dumbfounded). Eunelys watched the disaster transpire from the top of a building across from the one his targets were approaching. In his opinion, the entire mission should have been conducted accordingly to his plans, simply because he did not consider an aura bomb as a reasonable means of trapping a single pair of targets. However irritated Eunelys was with his commanders’ orders (especially that of Xephula‘s), he was deep down a person of sincerity and loyalty, so he obeyed and did his best not to do exactly what Fatu had done.

For team four things were not going so well. Just as soon as the targets turned around, a horde of random people that came seemingly out of nowhere surrounded the two men, allowing them to make their escape in a small hovering vehicle.

Mystery

Eunelys seems like an interesting character, but too little for me to really say anything of value.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Isonmeh

uhhhh..........stuck. i'm stuck. this may take a while. sorry, but i have to wait for everything to kick in. i'm sure everyone around here has been through the same dilemna.