Shortened Maker - Page 3 - Writers Forum

Isonmeh · 03-21-2007, 11:28 AM

Well gee, who here doesn't see that allusion? I would be surprised if there is anyone here that can't recognize that. it's just a piece of my honorary truibute to the game cause i love it so much. I deliberatly insterted several simalarities, but trust me, after this chapter my story goes in a completley different direction.

Mystery · 03-21-2007, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isonmeh

Well gee, who here doesn't see that allusion? I would be surprised if there is anyone here that can't recognize that. it's just a piece of my honorary truibute to the game cause i love it so much. I deliberatly insterted several simalarities, but trust me, after this chapter my story goes in a completley different direction.

The only part I noticed Similar between this story and FF8 is how kurin dresses, and the general time set or background. And the helping rebels part.

Isonmeh · 03-21-2007, 03:58 PM

well, there you go. that's pretty much it. I have put thought past this but i haven't yet thought of everything that will transpire. in otherwords i haven't got the whole story down in idea. here we continue the third chapter.

He nodded once and stepped up to the platform and opened the second to last car’s door and yelled something inside and then ushered them inside briskly. After he turned around Selphia made a face at his strange cheer.
Inside the car there was a metal walkway that led to a clustered computer room to the left side, and to the right a hallway with windows lined at the right and doors to the left. Kurin awkwardly stepped into the computer room where were three excited people jumped up to greet Kurin and Selphia with swift and strong handshakes.
“I’m John. Selphia, right?” said a young man in battered clothing and clever eyes.
“Quinta, at your service.” said a middle aged woman wearing a strange, blue postal uniform.
“I’m glad you can make it. Call me Tip.” said a small and jittery man that Kurin was sure spent most of his life facing a monitor.
The three went separate ways and there was a commotion as two more rebellion members came to welcome and greet the cadets. One of them was a tall man with a small tuft of hair on his chin and long dark hair that was tied into a long braid behind him. A small medallion on a silver chain caught Kurin’s eye, and he felt as if he recognized, it, but Graitus disagreed. Still, Kurin’s eyes lingered on the medallion for a moment while he spoke.
“I’m Turce. And this here is…” he motioned to the heavily built and muscular man beside him.
“Gyhm. It’s about time we’ve got some real support; even for ones so young, you’re sharp. I know it. Just like our chief.” he said in gruff voice.
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s keeping her,” said Wilkes from behind, “She should be in her compartment. Third door down. Oh, and uh, Selphia! There’s a note here from your commander, it sounds urgent.” Selphia looked back at Kurin and nodded her head as Wilkes led her off back into the next car past the computer room. The other two standing before Kurin also hastily dispersed to do something that seemed equally as urgent, leaving him in the middle of the walkway. Someone had already closed the door to the car, and Kurin heard the rebels talking loudly in the other cars, and Tip sat quietly at one of the computers, lightly clicking and tapping the keyboard. Graitus was asleep, or as he liked to call it, hibernating, although Kurin still wondered how or why he ever did that since he almost never had to do anything in his physical form. But Kurin relaxed his shoulders because he knew Graitus shut down only when he was absolutely sure there was no risk. He walked slowly down the hallway and stopped at the third door. He rapped the door softly and waited. After no response or sound from inside he tried again, louder this time. Still, there was no response. Kurin gulped hesitantly, and being used to taking orders as he was, he grasped the vertical handle and pushed the door open.

unionxyz · 03-21-2007, 08:15 PM

how can you be writing and not have an idea? wow i have to start writing mine how many pages are you at? damn tb is killing my life. but ill quit and start again, but yeah good story

Isonmeh · 03-21-2007, 09:32 PM

You're sounding like this is the first time you've read this. I have my idea, it's just not all the way to the end, like i don't have any major themes or i don't know how i will wrap up the story and what will happen to all the characters. I only got stuff that's in the relative future, a basic idea.

Some compartment…Thought Kurin as he stepped inside. He immediately recognized space compressing technology simply because there was no way that a six by seven meter room could fit in a single train car. Kurin felt silent awe- space compressing was a highly sophisticated technology used only by either the wealthiest people of the world, or by military drop and battleships. As he closed the door behind him, he let his eyes dance across the room’s décor and construction. Ivory crown molding lined the dark blue ceiling. At the center there was a gemstone chandelier that resembled a small version of the chandeliers at the ceremony. The walls had a hue of deep burgundy, while the floor had carpet of the finest material. A lonely desk stood to Kurin right while the rest of the room held smooth, metallic furniture that in which some had books and folders of documents and reports.
Kurin’s eyes drew slowly left, where an elegant bed stood against the wall. On it, there lay a girl. She lay facing the wall with her legs drawn up to her, so Kurin could only see the back of her head, which had smooth brown hair that reached past her shoulders. Her clothes were casual and in the fashion of what Acoscians wore. She wore a long, light blue sweater that had a wide ribbon of cloth extending down behind to ankle length. Her white, thin shorts were down to the knees, and her worn shoes were black suede, and closely sculpted to match the shape of the feet.
As he took in all of these details Kurin suddenly realized his rudeness and reddened in embarrassment. He cleared his throat.
“Um, excuse me, I’m sorry to disturb you, but…” He paused while the girl stirred and picked herself up. She stretched and turned on the bed and let her feet off the edge. Sleepily, she blinked at Kurin. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she sat up from her slouch beaming brightly.
“Yes!” She let out a cheer and ran to hug Kurin tightly. She pranced around with him in her arms and then released her grasp as Kurin stood still and surprised. The girl was shorter than him down to his chin, yet she somehow managed to squeeze the breath out of him. Her eyes were shining with excitement.
“You have no idea how long we’ve been waiting! My name is Julie. And you’re Kurin, huh? Well, you’ve probably heard that enough already, if you’ve met the rest of the crew. Where’s the other one? Come on.” He followed her out of the room and she walked into the computer room. “Tip, where’s the other cadet?” Tip pointed at the next car. Inside, there were two rows of lockers lined up against the wall, and a short table stood in the middle with chairs circling it. In one of the chairs Selphia sat reading a sheet of unfolded paper with a frown.

Mystery · 03-22-2007, 09:14 AM

Going good going good, just enough of a balance to give off the FF8 feel but not feel like a copy of it.

Isonmeh · 03-22-2007, 07:05 PM

Holy-crap, Mystery you know how to tell people what they want to hear. You're the only one noticing the things i want to establish, and I find that amazing. It's super super super great for me to hear that. This is the last peice of writing that i have; the posting has caught up with my writing. from here on out there will be a longer wait between posts, and i hope there will be patience for them. I know i don't have much to worry about though, since Mystery is the only that really has kep posting from the beginning. But that's enough for me. I'll post on other threads though. Right here i would like to hear from others (guess it'll be just you Mystery, huh ?) on where this plot should go from here; this would be concerning characters as well as plot and other elements. I've already had my thoughts, and have been shifting them through not knowing what exactly to do.

Julie and Selphia exchanged greetings and Selphia slipped the letter into her jacket pocket. She looked at Julie as if her head was about to explode with enthusiasm. Kurin asked what was in the letter but Selphia distractedly said that it wasn’t anything important. Kurin felt worry over this because there was rarely anything that Selphia wouldn’t discuss with him, only if it affected her in a strong way like Terry’s death.
Julie moved about the train with energy and called out to someone up front to start the train and head for departure. She then turned her attention to Kurin and Selphia.
“I think it would be best if we went over the plans as soon as possible. But first let’s give some more feedback of the situation.” She sat down at one of the chairs and beckoned them to do the same. “You see, everyone in this group has had some sort of loss or conflict because of Graham, and can’t let him cause more destruction, especially if he’s trying to twist you into helping him. We’ve desperately tried to get some sort of help outside of our world, so it wouldn’t just fuel into more hatred. Ever since we’ve heard you’ve come I’ve tried to get a message to any of you that wouldn’t be caught by the council’s watchful eye. That’s why I’m so glad; for you two to come it took or greatest efforts to draw the spies’ attention away from you. And now that you’re here,” she smiled at both of them fondly, “I feel that there isn’t anything that can stop us.” After receiving blank stares from them she blushed and then quickly added, “Sorry, I’m just a little… these past months have been difficult.” There was a small moment of silence when suddenly Wilkes came in from the computer room.
“Are you guys hungry? They’re sandwiches in the lounge. The bread’s made with Paltan grain; good stuff.”
Kurin looked back and nodded his head.
“Sure.”
They all got up and with Wilkes leading the way they went past the computer room, past the hall and into the next car, which was apparently the lounge because there were two sleek couches around a large coffee table that had a plate of sandwiches jam-packed with vegetables, meats and sauces. Sitting on a chair next to the couches was Quinta, drinking a glass of what Kurin thought was water.
As they sat eating, Julie asked both Kurin and Selphia about their magical abilities. After Selphia finished describing the physics of her techniques, Kurin told Julie about his abilities, and halfway through she interrupted.
“Really? I’ve read in books saying that spirit wielders are extremely rare- oh, may I see him? The spirit?” She asked with great fascination. Her question had caught him off guard. He did not often socialize with civilians or anyone not of the UPC, and others have seen his spirit, but never actually asked to see him.
“Uh, alright, hold on.” He tapped Graitus with his mind. He had been listening ever since his name was mentioned. Then the air around Kurin quivered and then burst into silver mist. This time Quinta was leaning on the back of the couch to see, and then the mist wafted a meter above Kurin and smoothly formed into a towering mortelus. His brilliant wings parted and stretched all the way to both sides of the room. He was dressed in a flowing robe as white as pure snow that almost covered all of his cloth boots. His hair-which he swished in a majestic motion-was lustrously silver and went down to the middle of his body. He peered curiously at Julie with his diamond-like eyes. Julie looked back with an unwavering expression. Selphia quietly smiled at Graitus, and Kurin could hear Quinta give an almost inaudible stutter. Julie gulped before softly saying,
“A…A mortelus… I don’t believe it.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.” Graitus lulled in a suave, even way.
“Graitus,” said Kurin, “this is Julie and Quinta.”
It didn’t take too long for everyone to come and see Graitus, and to their great surprise, find out that he could not achieve a solid form. This was due to the Kurin’s age-he needed to reach the right level of mental capacity in order to sustain Graitus’ full presence in the material world. He told them that it wouldn’t be long until he was able to do so. Everyone was still impressed with the fact that Kurin had a mortelus as a spirit. A being that had a reputation including legends telling of morteli capable of destroying entire planets. After enough awe had been experienced, Kurin hid away Graitus who reluctantly complied.
Everyone had gone back to their business on the train and Julie decided that since everyone was now settled in the train that it would be an appropriate time to discuss the plans in which they were going to go about capturing President Graham.
“Ordinarily, we wouldn’t be able to do half of what we’re planning to do since it requires magic, and none of us can use it.” Julie started. “Right now we’re on track K200, a long track extending all the way from here to Okron Bay over in Chenil. We’ve left north-east of Acoscia at exactly four...forty-two and are now in the Nulan plains.” Kurin looked outside the window to his left and saw a darkening sky with wide spread plains, and past the plains on the horizon there was a dark outline of distant mountains. “Our destination is the Altan Station... (to be continued)

Isonmeh · 03-22-2007, 07:13 PM

This is an edited post-ignore it. i accidently posted twice so i deleted the text.

cat1010 · 03-25-2007, 08:10 PM

Hey... the story looks like it's coming along pretty good. I think the beginning was the best. You made me care about Kurin right away, but I think his personality is kind of getting lost in the latter parts.

I'd also like to see a little more depth and expression from the other characters too. It would make your story much more engageing... at least to me. But keep in mind that I'm a fantasy reader and this genre (fantasy/sci-fi) might have different techniques than I'm used to... so maybe you're fine.

I'm enjoying the storyline and I really like your ideas on technology and magic in this world. Any ideas on a major theme for you story yet?

Mystery · 03-26-2007, 07:49 AM

Rofl, graitus is a show off.
Just a few thing's about him though, the angel thing is starting to wear out, if you want the audience to read this and feel wander, make him a bit more original xD
Sorry for my delay on well, everything, had a busy weekend, hope I get to send you my preview later.

Isonmeh · 03-26-2007, 07:05 PM

Thanks for the posts guys, and thanks Mystery for the preview. I think I might get a small portion of the story done today.

Isonmeh · 03-26-2007, 08:59 PM

Alright, I made it. Although, it is a little short. I am going to insert some more emotion (there is a little peice in the end) in now. Kurin will have to start interacting more with Selphia if he's going to help her through the crisis she has. I am hoping that Graitus' role in the stroy will seperate him from the rest of the angels seen in other stories.

It was midday, and the sun’s rays shown on a gleaming, private train that stood on a security embankment in the middle of a narrow valley surrounded by a gray and green landscape. A small cabin-like security structure stood next to the train. Two people stood on a wide landing platform.
The fat man stared at Quinta with a scrutinizing expression.
“Delivery?”
“Yes. You’ve seen our load. Our forms. We’re on the list. What else do you possibly need?”
“…You’re not getting it, miss. I am not being pestering. You’ve arrived here from Acoscia; defense has got to be tight. What do you need all of that equipment in that car over there for?”
“The computers? Well, have you ever been in postal? Never.” She leaned back on the railing behind her and pointed. “All of our deliveries require the most specific locations and times. To keep up and organize-”
“Well yes, I understand that, but postal trains run through his checkpoint often. None of them require half of the equipment you have for a load like that. What do you take me for?”
Quinta bluntly took of her cap and ran her fingers through the short, wavy lengths of hair. She pointed again at the train.
“What is this? A private train. Private. What we deliver is none of your concern. What you do need to know is that it’s important. The equipment is necessary for the maintenance of the packages on board, and security has to be tight, kind of like what you said about you security. Look, this is not healthy for our schedule. Are you going to approve us or not?”
The man jutted his chin and punched in some keys in a small electronic pad he was holding.
“You’re clear.” He turned and shuffled towards his cabin reluctantly.
“Thank you sir. You’re doing your job!” Quinta ran up into the train yelling, “Move it!”
Just as she had said it the train grunted into motion and the pistons began exerting pressure smoothly.
Selphia and Kurin have been riding with Julie and her group for two days now, and Selphia had not shown Kurin the letter she had received. Kurin had never asked, but hoped that she wouldn’t hold it in for too long; he had seen Selphia on numerous occasions like this, and all the time she was able to blow of the steam with a simple talk with Terry Morrigne. Now he wasn’t sure how Selphia would be able to hold up.

Isonmeh · 04-05-2007, 12:27 AM

Short one

He found her sitting in her compartment on a wide armchair facing the window.
“Sorry I didn’t knock, do you mind?” Selphia shook her head without looking and continued staring out the window. Kurin took a seat next to the wall on a couch behind her armchair. For a while he sat looking down and fiddled with his thumbs. “If your problems are getting in the way of the mission, I think it would be best if you discontinued your part in it.” Selphia smiled.
“Don’t beat around the bush. The letter was a message from UPC. It was notifying me of my next test. It’s only for any cadets that have the ability to sustain any molecular shifting in the body. So I was just thinking about it just now.”
“You don’t need to stress yourself. You got past all the tests just fine.” Kurin tried to sound sympathetic, but his training was completely different than Selphia’s so he didn’t know what she had to go through.
“…Terry. He was always with me.” Kurin noticed her hand clench into a fist and tremble. He slid along the couch closer to the armchair and hesitantly reached for her hand.
“If you did it when he was with you, you can do it just as well without him. I don‘t want to come out harsh but that‘s the truth.” He tightened his hold.
“I know that, but this is a MAP test. My ranking in the future depends a lot on this test.”
“Don’t worry. You have on your record an assist with the destruction of a shell. If you were chosen to intervene on another planet, that’s saying something. You’re just nervous; it’s only natural.” Selphia sighed and tightened her grip.
“You’re right. I need to…snap out of it.”
“Soon we’ll be there, and I think we can turn this whole thing around. Commander Xephula chose us for a reason. Out there, on other worlds there are fully trained UPC soldiers doing the same thing we’re doing. I think there is more to our lives than what it seems.” Kurin stood up. “Uh, I hate doing these speech things, so just, hang in there. Alright?”
Selphia beamed at him and affectionately released his hand.
“Thanks.”
As Kurin closed the door on his way out, he spotted Julie standing close by.
“How is she?”
“She’s fine. All she needed was a pep talk.”
“You do this often?”
“Hmm?”
“I mean missions like this.”
“The experience is a requirement, as it is a part of our training.”
“I’m glad you two are close. I just wish I had someone like that.”
‘Well don’t you have this crew? You all seem very acquainted.”
Julie looked at him with a new expression. She smiled slightly.
“I think we’ve misunderstood each other…”
“Uhh, what?”
The girl lightly blushed and walked down the corridor past Kurin.

Mystery · 04-05-2007, 02:50 AM

You should leave a paragraph between speech and adction, or it becomes really hard to tell who is saying what.

Isonmeh · 04-10-2007, 10:20 PM

As Kurin slept through the night, he felt chills. He floated in his dreams, and came upon a familiar experience. He once again dreamed about a single person standing on a green hill. Again he woke repeatedly with his spine tingling and limbs numb. And again he was not ready for the morning; but something was different.
“Hey, come on, let’s go… WAKE UP!” Selphia knocked loudly on the compartment door. Kurin did not feel Graitus’ presence, so he assumed he was still sleeping.
We’d better be almost there.
Kurin groggily sat up and feebly threw aside the bed sheets.
“’Kay, I’m up.” he croaked.
He stared to slide himself off of the bed when he realized something was wrong.
What? To Kurin’s horror, Graitus could not feel it. He did not wake.
Kurin looked down at his legs. They had a tinge of blue, and he could not move them. He stared in shock as he felt it slowly creep up.
What the hell is this? Graitus!
Kurin grunted and fell hard on the ground. He convulsed violently and from his mouth spurted out dark blood all over the smooth carpet. He vision clouded and his breathing became difficult, and he could not move or feel his legs. For the first time in a long time, Kurin felt vulnerable and helpless.
Poison! Graitus!
Kurin thought quickly. The door’s locked! No…
He opened his mouth to shout out but instead his mouth flooded with blood and he choked. He began to panic as his breathing started to cease. Impatient knocking came from behind the door.
“Are you up?” Selphia’s voice cut in. Kurin quickly thought and groaned loudly. “Quit your groaning, what is it with you and sleeping?” Kurin looked around desperately and then grabbed the bed, feebly shaking and banging it against the wall.
“What are you doing? What’s going on? What-” she tried the door and then said urgently, “We’re going to be at the station in thirty minutes, so quit your little tantrum and get up. You know we’ve talked about this before. If I come back here in five minutes and you’re still here I’m going to have to force the door open.”
Damn it, I don’t have five minutes!
Kurin’s arms were running out of strength so he frantically started dragging his body towards the door.